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Call me crazy, but I’ve come to realize something: I’m entirely way too into this season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Some people have accused The Gauntlet 2 of being slow or predictable, but I’m still a bit hooked. I would say it’s the non-stop bickering, but I think it’s more than that. In fact, as much as I hate to say it, I think there might be one person to at the heart of it: Beth. I know, I know. Beth. Osama Beth Laden. Truth is that Beth always seems to be gone after two or three episodes, so we really haven’t been able to revel in her awful-ness. As such, she’s never truly been as hate-able as Veronica, as idiotic as Tina, as bitchy as Coral, or as self-important as Rachel, but for once, with all those girls no-shows this season, Beth has the villain spotlight all to herself, and she’s taking full advantage. I don’t know what’s more enjoyable: witnessing her sadistic rule as team captain or watching the Veterans grumble and sneer under her tyranny. Either way, it’s solid escapism.Now, before I write anymore, I have a confession for all you Alton fans out there (and I know there are many). On Monday morning, I actually had the opportunity to meet him, but I opted to sleep instead. I know, this is sacrilege to many of you — how could I pass up the opportunity to take a photo of ALTON?!?!? Well, I got home at like 5:00 AM and would have to wake up at 8:30 AM and yada yada yada, no Alton/TVgasm love. By the way, anyone who saw Tuesday’s Reality Remix, might have noticed that Alton’s “cartwheel of rage,” a term we coined as a joke, actually surfaced on the air. Kennedy happened to interview Alton, and the very first question out of the gate: “So you did — maybe you’re most famous for the cartwheel of rage during a challenge. You did a cartwheel of rage when you didn’t like a call!!” We’re starting trends, people.
Anyway, enough babbling. Let’s talk about Monday’s show. So the episode began with Jillian talking to Cara and Suzie, a.k.a. Team Pariah. For those of you who missed last week’s episode, a scandal erupted when Jillian gossiped that Cara and Suzie were intending to ally with Brad, David, and Timmy (on the opposing Veteran team) to create some axis of evil that would throw missions to further their cause. Who knows if it was true — something tells me this was just a giant game of Telephone. Anyway, now Jillian wanted to tell Cara and Suzie that it was she who had blabbed to Kina and started this whole mess. And that’s about as far as I could get before I was totally confused by the situation.
Yes, two seconds into the episode, and I was already completely lost. I mean, there were some things I could understand, like when Suzie told Jillian, “But why do you say ‘you guys’ when you were there and you were involved.” But then my brain was completely stumped by Jillian’s response: “Because if I would have said something, it would have looked bad. Rather not say anything at all.” So did Jillian just admit that she didn’t implicate herself because she wanted to look like the hero? Does that mean that she lied? And who did she not want to look bad for? Anyway, before I could really grasp the crux of this discussion, the girls then found Kina and Ibis and tried to explain to them the situation — whatever that was. Furthermore, they wanted to call a team meeting to clarify (READ: confuse) the situation more. However, Ibis was not a fan of that.
“If she’s gonna say, ‘Well, she told us’ in front of the whole group, it’s gonna really make you look bad,” Ibis said, not really making any sense to me. Maybe I’m just on crack. Or maybe the very sound of these people’s voices is enough to make my brain rot in real time. Anyway, there was more back and forth, with Ibis now saying that Jillian said that Cara approached Brad about an alliance. Not so fast, girlfriend. Jillian retorted that Cara approached her and Suzie about an offer made by Brad. And to that, Cara asked how could she just ignore this vital information. Should she laugh it all off? If you’re confused, don’t worry. You’re not alone. Maybe if the cameras had ever caught this controversial meeting, we’d be in better shape.
Ultimately, Kina flipped out (of course) and said, “The fact that you would even have a conversation that would entail f*cking people over on our team is pissing me off right now and will piss everyone off as well. So please take my advice and don’t rehash it!” Well, we don’t know if it was a conversation about f*cking people over on the team. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. Kina’s Jersey Alert Level then went from orange to red as she swiveled her head and told Cara to have her “damn meeting.”
“What was I thinking to think taht you were ever approachable because you’re so NOT approachable,” Cara whined. And to prove that she was, in fact, approachable, Kina simply recoiled her head and walked away. Like any approachable person would, mind you. The best part of the whole thing was how when she stormed away, so did Ibis — almost as if she were her royal servant, which she probably is.
Meanwhile, this scandal had spread its way over to the Veterans, who were so concerned, they were throwing around big words like “supposebly.” In an interview, David disavowed himself from the alliance, saying that he could barely trust Cara and Suzie. Brad also denied any relationships, saying he had no motive to betray his team like that. After all, he’s in “very good spirits” with his team. Don’t know about his standing, but the spirits are great. Ultimately, Brad dramatically addressed the Vets by stating, “I feel very violated right now. I feel VERY violated right now!” Oh, calm down. Wait until one of your teammates butt-rapes you before you start throwing that word around. (Then again, he did receive an atomic wedgie from The Miz, so he probably does know a thing or two about male-violation.)
Well, the new day brought new dramas, and this one was called “Beth.” You see, it was women’s Gauntlet day, which meant that if the Vets lost, Beth would be headed into the Gauntlet, most likely taking Montana with her.
“Everyone knows that Beth is a weasel. Beth has all the credibility of a late night informercial,” Montana said. I don’t get it. Are infomercials not credible? But those midget twins know the secret to success! Are you saying that they’re lying?? Does this mean the Ab-Slide might not actually work?? C’mon, Montana. You’ve said a lot of loony things, but this is by far the looniest.
Anyway, at the Challenge, groups of two people from each team had to balance on a ropes course over the ocean. Each person would be on a tightrope, and the couple would have to balance using only rope they’d hold between them. If either teammate were to let go of the rope for any reason, they would be disqualified (and most likely halfway en route to a watery demise). Well, Landon and Alton were up first, and even they — two of the most agile players — were having problems; so we knew this would be a tough challenge. After a few false starts, the two guys made it across, thus making them the first and last duo to complete the course. Everyone else failed miserably. Just another poorly thought-out challenge (hey, let’s have two people push three tons instead!).
Nevertheless, we were treated to an amusing montage of various people falling in the water, including Mark Long who described his harrowing defeat: “Luckily, I landed in the water feet first because it was a pretty nasty fall.” Man, wouldn’t want to hit that water faux-hawk first!!
Later, Kina took a rough fall, but sadly, she did not yell at gravity for conspiring against her: “The fact that you would even have a conversation about making me fall is really pissing me off right now!”
There seemed to be some promise with Katie and Derrick, but of course, between his constant state of drunkenness and her general lack of coordination, they were a not a perfect match for this ropes course. “Alright, I got you,” Derrick said to Katie, just about two seconds before she plummeted down to the ocean. Way to go, Derrick.
Cara and Suzie managed to get about halfway across the course before they fell in, and when they resurfaced on the dock, we were privy to some classic female phoniness as the two joined into a group hug with Kina and Jillian. Idiots. And speaking of idiots, why the hell was no one pulling the rope as tightly as possible and using each other’s weight as counterbalances? Okay, okay, easier said than done. I understand. Hey, I’m a blogger. I have nothing better to do than to complain and act like I’d be totally awesome in other people’s situations. (I’d be falling off those ropes so fast, you wouldn’t even know what had hit you.)
Ultimately, it came down to the Veterans’ last couple: Timmy and Beth. If they could cross the course faster than Alton and Landon’s time, the Vets would win the challenge. “I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!” Beth chanted to the camera. For a moment, I thought she could, but then her teammates began yelling at her to hurry up, and well, that old passive aggressive bitch came out again. “Everybody’s screaming. I can’t do this. Forget it,” Beth said, opting to throw the mission to spite her team rather than give it an old college try. Of course, to hear her say it, Beth would explain that she tried, she really did try, but her teammates psyched her out and blah blah blah, I didn’t really care. All that mattered was that Beth was headed into the Gauntlet, and her team was P.O.’d at her.
After a dumb Rookie celebration, we then headed to the Gauntlet deliberations where Derrick (who seems to have grown a Brillo pad on his chin) expressed his frustration by dropping his water bottle on the coffee table from HOSTILE HEIGHTS! Oh man. This was gonna be tense! Well, only sort of. Because of the nature of the show, we could hardly spend thirty seconds on this segment, lest we cut into precious Gauntlet time. Ultimately, Beth and the team selected Montana to go into the Gauntlet, and as for the event: Captain’s Choice (are there any other options on that wheel?). Beth selected her forté, the Reverse Tug O’ War, and then we were off to the sandy showdown on the beach.
“Welcome to the Gauntlet with Beth versus Montana. It’s definitely going to be a bitch fight. Reeoowwwr!” Beth said, making a little kitty claw at the end there (gotta work on my onomatopoeias, I know). Anyway, because the Rookies were so happy to see these two rivals go at it, they showed up bearing “monster truck rally” signs which made them look like bigger dumbasses than usual. (Still don’t know how a “D-Fence” sign really applies to monster truck rallies, but hey, what do I know?)
Anyway, TJ called the girls down to the pit and warned them, “You’re gonna have to try your hardest.” And knowing TJ, he really really meant that. Seriously, he looks forward to this all week long.
Well, no need to stall. Montana and Beth went at it with the Reverse Tug O’ War, which meant lots of close-ups of the girls clawing at sand, writhing against the rope, and grunting for domination. This was intercut with both teams yelling back and forth — the Vets pushing for Montana, the Rookies supporting Beth. Alton in particular was yelling so hard, he looked like every vein in his body might just pop by the end of the competition.
Ultimately, Beth won (as if Montana even had a chance), and as she retreated to her team, she snipped, “Thanks, even though I’m sure you wanted Montana to win.”
“I did want Montana to win, definitely,” said Derrick, adding, “You’re the meanest f*ckin’ person I’ve ever known.” Oh no he DI’INT! This resulted in Beth throwing her head back in shock — a moment that was amusingly highlighted by the sudden use of slow motion and low, electronic synth noise which seemed to say, “OH SNAP!!!”
Yes, the Vets were pissed because now they had old Beth to answer to once again. I think Aneesa put it best when she said, “Beth is just… BEETHHH.” I guess it doesn’t translate to text as well. Just take my word for it: it was funny.
Anyway, after Beth and Derrick exchanged a few pleasantries (She: “Asshole.” He: “Bitch.”), we then found Montana washing away the sand and pain in the ocean. “It was hard,” she said, “It was just no way I could pull her. She has twenty pounds over me.” Translation: “Whatever, at least I’m not FAT like BETH!” She then concluded, “It just goes to show you good doesn’t always win over evil.” I personally like to think of it less as good and evil and more like conniving versus manipulative.
As for Beth, she was relishing the turn of events, as she gloated to the camera: “Montana, I’m so sad I had to kick your ass… Buh-bye!” And with that, she let out an impish cackle and skittered off screen. Normally, I’d say “What a bitch,” but honestly, she’s having way too much fun. I can’t begrudge her that.
Back at the house, the Rookies all gathered together for a team meeting where all the controversy and chaos was brought to an end. The hatch was buried, the water: under the bridge. After all, this was just high school, emotional drama, as Jamie put it (in a rare on screen appearance). Yes, we were all moving on, especially that bastion of emotional maturity, Kina, who said, “I don’t trust Cara and Suzie. Whatever.” Okay, so maybe not everyone was over it, but as Mariah Carey once said, “Love takes time / to heal when you’re hurting so much.” So true, so true.
As the show ended, we saw Montana scuttling off in a Trinidad cab — off to another great adventure in her life (perhaps Blair’s internet party?). We then heard Beth’s cocky voice once again as she warned, “Karma’s a bitch, and you got yours!!” Something tells me she’ll be getting hers too, but until then, please keep terrorizing your team.
What did you think about this episode? Are you enjoying the Beth vs. Veterans battle as much as I am?