Maria Menounos is given the task of getting to the bottom the Duel 2. Unfortunately, she spends more time talking about things that didn’t happen on the show and about people who aren’t at the reunion. I sat through it anyway (a decent amount of Landon face time didn’t hurt) to bring you all the dirt. Except it’s more like dust. Not much happened kids. I’m just warning you now.
Am I really doing this?
Maria introduces the cast of the Most. Extreme. Challenge. Ever. I wasn’t impressed. As I recall, there was a lot of hanging from stuff suspended over various bodies of water. Not that I would ever think of getting my butt off this couch and doing anything physical but a spelling bee thirty feet above a river is still just a spelling bee.
Any excuse to post this again.
Landon is back with a cute haircut. Aneesa tries the same and fails miserably.
I missed you.
Evan and Rachel look douchey and mean, respectively. Brittini is confused by the camera.
Is this thing on?
Kimberly, Dunbar (what’s wrong with his hair?), Brad (what’s wrong with his eye?), Tori, Diem, Mark, Jenn and Paula round out the group. Paula shimmies and I weep.
First, we’re tortured by a flashback of Rachel beating everyone to the finish and asking “Did I ween? Did I ween?” and Evan racing to victory in a manthong. Yes, I know it’s a mike pack but “mike pack” is rarely as funny as “manthong”.
Is that your mike pack or are you just happy to see me?
Maria asks Rachel if it was that much sweeter to beat the boys and Rachel is gracious enough to mention that the boys had to wait for the girls at one of the checkpoints so it evened out. Maria, whose listening skills are severely challenged, asks the boys how it felt to be beaten by a girl. Reading my mind, Mark asks Maria if she missed the part where Rachel said the guys had to wait for her. They could have picnicked in the time it took the girls to catch up. Of course, I would have mocked incessantly if this had come out of Evan’s mouth, but I let Mark get away with a lot. Because he’s like a dad to me.
He’s like a brother. To my dad.
Evan’s excuse was that he intentionally ran behind Rachel.
He does have a point.
Asked what they did with the money, Rachel says she’s been enjoying herself, buying drinks and going to Hawaii. Evan is saving it, waiting to meet the right girl and is ready to be a housedad. Reality check, money bags: $100,000 (before taxes) does not a sugar daddy make.
Then we flashback to the CT/Adam beatdown. Mercifully, I wasn’t recapping when this episode initially aired but word on the street is that CT lost his mind after finding out that Diem was talking to Adam and assumed Adam was telling Diem that CT slept with Chauvon. (Is that a real name?) Personally, I think CT punched Adam in the head for wearing pajamas.
Do those things have feet?
The cast talks about what an animal CT is (as though the video didn’t speak for itself) and that even production was too scared to do anything about it. Sorry kids, but this is the “real” world. Man up and break up a fight. Maria says that it looks like it was Diem’s fault. Diem says she cares about CT as a person and she’s worried about him. She loved him with all her heart and honestly thought she was going to walk down the aisle with him (because when I think of CT, I totally think of marriage material).
I do, bitch!
She then tries to convince us (read: herself) that she and CT broke up because she is SO career-oriented. She is not getting married until she’s 100% where she wants to be in her career. Yeah, that was the problem.
I don’t think I believe you.
At the time, Chauvon denied she had sex with CT but Aneesa (the black Susan Powter) says Chauvon knew what was going on because you know when things are going into your body. At least I think that’s what she said. MTV bleeped it out but I can’t figure out why. Kimberly’s sedative wears off and she announces that Chauvon is just a dirty, dirty whore. Which, of course, is un-bleeped. Kim goes on to say she was woken up by sex noises (which she felt compelled to reenact) and not the nice ones like “oh that feels good” but the dirty, dirty whore ones like “ow, you’re fucking killing me.”
Note to self: Do not have sex with Kimberly.
Rachel smartly states that CT should never be allowed on the show again and I hope the MTV execs are listening. That guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Back from the break and Maria says she’s the cruise director of sorts of this reunion. “Speaking of lesbians. . . Oh, I wasn’t? Well, I am now. Someone thought she could rock the boat with two hot ladies but that boat went down.” Oh, I get it. You’re the cruise director on some lesbian row boat. And it went down. Which is like, sexual. That makes perfect sense. There are so many things wrong with this but it’s clear that there is a desperate need for script writers at MTV. Hi MTV! I’m right here!
We flashback to Rachel and Jenn and the wrestling that brought them together. Wouldn’t it be nice if any of these kids ever evolved from their days on the school playground? Maria asks Rachel about the Aneesa/Rachel/Jenn love triangle and didn’t she know it was a bad idea to hook up with both of them? Rachel says she wasn’t talking to Jenn when the show started and didn’t expect anything to happen. When it did, she stayed with Jenn.
Aneesa wants to protect Rachel’s privacy and says she won’t mention that Rachel hooked up with her and then went down the hall and slept with Jenn. When Maria asks Aneesa and Rachel how they kept their hook up under wraps, Aneesa said she also wouldn’t accuse Rachel of being the one to keep it under wraps and wouldn’t complain that Rachel refused to admit that she ever hooked up with Aneesa. Rachel tells Aneesa that she really cared “about ‘cha” (which is like signing your girlfriend’s birthday card with “love ya” and means you’re breaking up as soon as she finishes opening the present) and she’s willing to admit she’s human and has emotions that change. Yeah, that’s what Aneesa was getting at.
Stop the insanity!
Jenn complains that this love triangle isn’t really a love triangle since she’s not so much involved. I’m sure that if I was on a reality show and had the opportunity to keep my sex life private, I would. Jenn and I are dissimilar in this fashion.
And we’re going to talk about the hot lesbian when?
Jenn knew Rachel hooked up with Aneesa and that Rachel was denying it but she didn’t care. Rachel will deny it until the day she dies and that by not talking about it in order to protect Jenn’s feelings, Rachel just stirred up a lot of drama. I think Rachel may be pathological.
I am trying very hard to keep track of my lies.
In an attempt to be relevant, Brit defends Rachel by asking what anyone else would do if there were two people in the house that they cared about? Was Rachel not supposed to talk to Aneesa? Um, that’s not the point at all. Go away.
So the first half of the reunion is about an almost-relationship that Aneesa and Rachel had while NOT on the show and I’m desperate to hit fast forward. I’m glad I didn’t because I would have missed Rachel telling Aneesa that they didn’t live together but that Aneesa moved in with her (which makes me question my understanding of the concept of ‘living together’), Evan swearing at Aneesa for saying she had more hair than him (further evidence of good with the dishing but not so much the taking), and Jenn saying that Evan is completely up Rachel’s ass (which is the ass I would choose if given the option).
Thinking that anyone cares, Jenn asks where she fits into the love triangle which gets a laugh from the boneheaded cast for the second time. For those of you on the edge of your seats wondering about Jenn and Rachel’s relationship, they are just friends. And they don’t have sex. Now you know.
Then we flashback to an even less interesting love triangle: Paula, Dunbar and Kimberly. Even though Dunbar had a girlfriend, he spent a good deal of his time flirting with Paula and making out with Kimberly. Paula got jealous and territorial because Dunbar wasn’t focusing on the game. Dunbar says trying to have a stable relationship with Paula is like trying to balance on a pin on a thousand feet in the air. Terrible analogy but the bottom line is that Paula is bonkers. We knew that.
Did I take all of my pills this morning?
Maria asks Dunbar why he always has a girlfriend whenever he comes on these shows but never acts like he does. He said that he and his girlfriend were fighting every day before he left and they didn’t have a relationship like Tori and Brad. You know, one where they like each other and love each other. If you’re holding up Brori as the bench mark of a healthy relationship, you should probably invest in a good therapist.
Aim high, Dunbar.
Paula and Dunbar admit they had sex but not on the Challenge (so I care why?) and Paula explains their complicated relationship by saying she wants to hug Dunbar and stab him at the same time. Kimberly agrees and says Dunbar will say the most hateful, mean and derogatory things to you and then he’ll hug you and apologize and then it’s all okay. Hateful, mean and derogatory? I think Dunbar is kind of a dolt but that’s giving him far too much credit.
Kimberly and Paula team up and beat on Dunbar who snaps. He feels like he’s being attacked and he never hit on Paula and never hit on Kimberly. Kimberly has an aneurysm. He says he never did anything but stand up for Paula and fall in love with Kimberly. I know I’m supposed to swoon but Kimberly’s voice makes me want to smother her so I can’t believe this statement. Again, for those of you dying to know, Dunbar and Kimberly saw each other in Mississippi after the show and tried to make it work but they both realized they were too immature to maintain an adult relationship and they’re just friends now.
This may explain the attraction.
Maria asks what it’s like to walk into these shows and realize you hooked up with half the cast? Mark says it’s like summer camp. They’re not allowed to go out and meet New Zealanders to hook up with so you get what you get and have no choice. Why is Mark the hook up spokesperson? When was the last time he got any on these shows?
Breaking News: Paula and Brit kissed. It was Brit’s first girl kiss. She liked it. Good. Stay away from Landon.
Then we flashback to Paula and Evan screwing each other over. As far as I can tell, during one duel selection, Paula was supposed to pick MJ but she went rogue and chose Dunbar. As a direct result, Evan’s impeccable reputation for trustworthiness was brought into question and no one could rely on him. Yeah, because Paula picked MJ. Not because you’re a snake. In retaliation, in the next duel selection, Evan picks Kimberly (Paula’s nemesis!) and not Paula.
I think she may be pissed.
Maria tried to get Paula and Evan to clarify what happened but they just ended up screaming at each other for seven minutes and I’m no closer to figuring this out. And I could have used that seven minutes for more important things – like anything else. Paula says their alliance is over and Evan shows that he’s a teeny bit human by sort of apologizing. He knows he did Paula wrong on the Challenge and he doesn’t feel good about it, especially since Paula showed her boobs to his younger brother who’s going through puberty. Thursday was probably a rough day for Evan’s brother.
So are they friends now? Paula says it’s just whatever (ah, it’s all clear now) and she wouldn’t trust him if they were on another show together. How about real life, crazy lady? Oh yeah, they’re not friends because he lives in another country. A mysterious, far away land called Canada. Not possible to maintain a friendship there. Maria forces them to hug and I cringe.
Losing my respect, Landon congratulates Evan on playing the game well. Shady or not, he wouldn’t have won if he didn’t play the way he did. And then we get a montage of actual physical activity. They don’t call it a “challenge” for nothing. Mark and Landon thought the challenges were easy. I can’t disagree but Landon slides in a comment that the other players were weak and I know I’m supposed to hate him but . . .
“You’re kidding. Digged isn’t a word?
And if you thought you could escape without witnessing the Brori gag-fest, guess again. Flashback to Tori berating Brad for not having a real job and to Brad explaining that the challenge really isn’t the time or place. Tori said it was all real and she didn’t do any of it for camera time. No kidding. Who would orchestrate hours of camera time designed to make you look like a harping shrew? Maria asks Brori if there is any truth to the rumors that they were engaged then un-engaged then engaged again. Tori says that they are 1000% engaged and getting married in April. She assures us (phew) that they are going to be together for the rest of their lives. Or until she spends the $35,000.
Like a thousand percent.
Maria calls Mark out for “retiring” from the network in March 2006. He even gave his bandana to Derek (from the first Road Ruler to the last Road Ruler) which was supposed to make it really, really true. Mark says everybody likes a comeback. I’m thinking more like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler or John Travolta in Pulp Fiction but I guess Mark Whatever in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel 2 is totally like that. Fortunately for all Mark fans, he said he’ll be back, be single and be stirring the soup. Redeeming himself for his earlier Evan-praise, Landon commends Mark for being above all the drama and for being a true positive element on the show. Oh Landon. You’re so pretty.
For old times’ sake.
We get a quick update on other former cast members: Robin is having a baby boy (which is not Mark’s); MJ’s wife is having another baby (also, not Mark’s); Paula has a boyfriend who was never on an MTV show (which makes sense since she slept with the rest of them); Katie is engaged; Brooke lives with her girlfriend; Rachel is dating someone and refuses to tell us more (as though we care); and Kimberly is single as of her landing in San Francisco on Saturday. Way to filter.
Then the best part of the whole hour: a sneak peak of The Real World: Cancun. We see cliff jumping, girls kissing, hammock cuddling, ripped abs, a stripper pole, a passed out drunk, a boy crying because he ruined something that is everything to him, someone who puts up a wall but wants to leave a better person, screaming, fighting, glass throwing, drunken falling, hysterical sobbing and someone is terrified of what someone is going to do next. And if you haven’t seen a roommate hook up with a mother, you’ll see it in the very first episode. And I. Cannot. Wait.
Thank you all for the warm Tvgasm welcome! Until we recap again,