Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Are you Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

***PopPrincess got busy with a real job, but you are still owed two more recaps! So please welcome your Auditiongasm winner, Tiny Elvis!!

Previously on The Duel: Stuff happened that I didn’t see but I’m willing to bet that Landon won something, Rachel didn’t smile, Jenn was annoying, Diem wore pink, and Tori and Brad called each other ‘babe’ sixty-seven times.

The remaining duelers have lost their minds and organize a fashion show. Mark is the emcee, Brad is judging, and Landon is going to be a contestant. Best. Decision. Ever.

Grandpa Mark, in his best gay fashion show emcee accent, introduces our first contestant, Brittini. According to Mark, she’s a secret agent sneaky bitch and would be a Black Labrador if she was a dog. I’m not sure why the girls are required to be a dog breed but I guess it’s funny in New Zealand. She’s wearing a white bikini, arts and crafts wings, and an attitude. She wants to win and get to the finals and prove she is one badass person that can’t be beat. There is no one I want beat more than her.

Tori is next in a silver toga-like ensemble and a Burger King crown. She is the opposite of sexy and Mark says that if she was a dog, she would be a wiener schnitzel. I’m pretty sure that wiener schnitzel is a fancy German way of saying chicken cutlet but what do I know. I’m new here.

Tori says that for her and Brad, $100,000 is a lot of money but that $200,000 would be even more. Really? $200,000 would be more than $100,000? For you and Brad? Fascinating.

Rachel comes out in a motorcycle jacket, a towel and knee-high, stripper boots. (Because why would you travel to an island in the middle of the South Pacific without knee-high stripper boots? What would you do if there was a fake fashion show competition and you didn’t have them?) She drops the towel and stuns the men boys into silence. I don’t blame them. Her butt is hanging out of the bottom of some sort of bikini/underwear hybrid and (in the immortal words of Steven Tyler) it’s F. I. N. E. Fine.

The women are finished and the men are up. Mark introduces Aneesa (see what I did there?) as a naturalist who enjoys all shapes and sizes of womens. She’s wearing a torn trash bag, pieces of toilet paper and the inside of a comforter like a cape. See, if Aneesa had packed the knee-high boots, we might have had a competition here.

Diem walks out in a homemade bikini, a bunch of twigs secured by a giant green bow on her back, and tremendous teased hair. What part of “fashion show” did she not understand? She says she’s a strong competitor, a force to be reckoned with and not an easy person to take out. Yeah. Just ask CT. (I’m here all night. Try the veal.)

Finally, Mark introduces Landon but calls him something that, as best as I can tell, sounds like “key goat” but I can’t re-watch the same three seconds without losing my mind, so Key Goat it is. I’m not sure but I think he’s crafted a belt made of juice boxes. I think Mark says something about Halle Berry and kegel exercises but Landon tears off two boxes and I lose focus. Forget what I said about re-watching the same three seconds.

The fashion show is over and it was a five-way tie. I think it was fixed.

Back en la casa, Evan asks MJ to tuck him in the same way he tucks in his daughter. A little creepy but MJ is happy to oblige. He tops it off with a kiss on the forehead and the sweet music makes you forget this is a competition and one of them is going home the next day. Even with the tuck in, Evan wants MJ to go home. He’s sure MJ will call him into the duel if given the chance. These kids have it all figured out.

Tori and Brad are fighting about real life and the fact that Brad is unemployed. Tori bitches and moans that Brad doesn’t have a real job even though her uncle gave him every tool to find one (because that’s not emasculating) and she feels like an idiot. Brad thinks this isn’t the time or place for a discussion like this. Really? You don’t think you should discuss your financial future and your inability to support a family while competing in a spin off of a spin off of a reality show? With as much sincerity as he can muster, Brad tells Tori that he’s trying to be supportive and to be the best person he can be for her so, of course, her reaction is “if you’re done with me, just be done with me” and storms out of the room. I hope we’re missing at least eighteen hours of conversation between them because, if not, Tori is a total nut ball.

Brad is upset because Tori jumps to conclusions and it’s disrespectful to their relationship for her to take off her engagement ring. Just keep the ring on your damn finger. Tori’s sane reaction? She tells Brad that if this is the lifestyle he wants then he should take the ring back because she doesn’t want to marry into this. Um, this isn’t a lifestyle but a television show. Does she think they’re going to live in New Zealand, hang from ropes and fall off platforms with a dozen other desperate fame whores? Forever?

Tori continues to storm off and starts packing. Diem just loves Tori and Brad and tells us that we just want them to be okay. Nah. I don’t care, to be honest. Figure it out or don’t. I’ll still sleep well. Diem wisely counsels Tori that she shouldn’t leave it like this and that the challenge can tear a relationship apart. Then she gives us a knowing look. Sorry to break the news but the challenge didn’t tear your relationship apart – your boyfriend, his serious anger-management issues, and your desperate insecurities did.

Brad is holding court with the boys like Danny Zuko preaching to the T-Birds. He’s complaining that Tori harps on him because he doesn’t have a job but it’s a tough economy and this isn’t the time or place to talk about it. Except that you still are. MJ is worried that Brad is starting to crumble and Evan tells him he should follow his heart but no one listens to him because he’s wearing his grandpa’s sweater.

Danny leaves to go for a run and the T-Birds continue to discuss his relationship. Landon thinks Tori is a flake, MJ is ready to offer Brad a bag to pack his stuff in (and – rightfully – mocks Evan’s cardigan), and Mark says that Brad and Tori have reached the peak of that pinnacle (but not yet the apex of the peak of the pinnacle) of letting the game get to them.

Back to the Pink Ladies. Tori admits to Diem that she did the challenge more for Brad than herself. Her heart is 99.9% going home which is great for the other girls because it gives each of them a one in four chance of being in the finals. This girl loves numbers and fake statistics! But Diem will not let her go home – she wants to run with her in the final and wants them to cross the finish line together and hug and say “see you at the wedding!” I bet at least half of these things never occur.

Brad is back from his run and tells Tori that bugging him about a job makes the challenge ten times harder. He says he can’t sleep good {{cringe}} if she keeps hounding him and telling him how financially unstable she feels. She collapses in hysterics and asks Brad to stop raising his voice. Which he not doing even a little bit. She says that he’s intense and always at 110% but she’s mellow and communication is the most important thing. She then says “I’m so out of this,” turns on her heel and walks out of the room while Brad is mid-sentence. Such the communicator.

This goes on for 76% of the episode (see, I can make up numbers too) but it can’t be put to rest until Brad gets the sage advice of the T-Birds again. Landon says they both need space and maybe that space is a long flight home. Amen. At this point, I’ll pay for both tickets. First class. Eventually, Brad and Tori kiss and make up because Brad is so good with his words and is able to manipulate convince Tori that staying in the challenge is best for both of them.

Super-enthusiastic TJ Lavin then introduces the challenge. Oh, that’s right. This is a competition, not Dr. Phil. The challenge is called Spelling Air (the creatives at MTV must be working overtime) and it’s a mid-air spelling bee. Each person is suspended on a platform 100 feet above the river. Spell your word right and you stay. Spell it wrong and you’re in the drink.

Last week’s winners, Landon and Rachel, get to pick the order. Diem freaks out because she’s scared of heights. And of Rachel, and she’s going to get screwed because Rachel is picking the order. Except that order doesn’t matter for a spelling bee since the winner will have to spell one more word correctly than the loser did. But I really don’t expect any of them to understand.

Mark is confident and thinks he’s a fantastic speller. F. A. N. Tastic. MJ tries to spell gnarly and spits out KNARLEY and KNARELY. Brad manages to spell GOLDEN correctly. Now I know why we spent 48 minutes on Brad and Tori – this challenge is going to be over in less than three.

Brad is going to give this challenge 110 percent (I guess Tori was right) and he thinks that Tori is on the same page. Cut to Tori sobbing on the platform and dry heaving over the side. Hmmm, maybe not.

Brit is enjoying all of this a bit too much. She points out that Diem is huddled in a corner, crying and praying, and Tori is gearing up to hurl. Tori says it’s not a joke and she’s not being dramatic but she thinks she’s going to have a panic attack. I’m no doctor but I think you’re already having it.

They start with fourth grade words and Diem goes first. ARITHMETIC. She misses an “I” and hits the water. Aneesa is next and gets EXERCISE. She switches the “I” and the “S” and she’s down. Brit can hardly contain her laughter at how easy their words are. Oh Brit, I eagerly anticipate your demise.

Tori gets POISON and silences the heaving long enough to spell it right. Of course this is followed by the requisite “yeah baby” and “I did it baby” and “I’m proud of you baby” and I’m the one heaving. Brit is up and gets FREIGHT. I’ll let the screen grab speak for itself.

Rachel gets CUCUMBER and spells it (unsurprisingly) without issue. From the safety of the ground, Evan says they need to go back to grade school. If he was the professor he would make them walk the plank pirate-style. Um, what other style of plank-walking is there?

The second round is seventh grade words and Tori gets MILLENNIUM. She butchers it with MELLINUM and she’s down. If Rachel can spell her word right, she wins. She gets PINNACLE (must be the word of the day) and nails it. She’s not only strong! She’s smart! Yeah, because spelling two elementary-level words makes you smart.

The boys are up and make only a slightly more impressive showing. MJ gets through with ABNORMAL and Evan manages YESTERDAY. Brad is up and spells THRONE without the “E”. Mark gets by with SIMILE and Landon is eliminated by misspelling EXTREMELY. Of course, as Diem points out, this throws everyone for a loop because the golden child has lost and Landon realizes his neck could be on the line.

Moving onto the sixth grade words . . . MJ gets IMMACULATE and because we cut to him saying he hasn’t won a challenge yet and has to win this one, we know he won’t. And he doesn’t. Compounding the embarrassment, he sounds like a gravely wounded hyena as he falls.

Now it’s between the young lad and the old dad, as Evan puts it. Check your sweater buddy. There’s only one of you who’s dressing the part.

Evan manages to spell CURRICULUM and Mark neglects the “E” in SVELTE so young lad takes the day. At this point I would look forward to strategic negotiations from our winners but we cut back to Dr. Phil, and Tori and Brad worrying about their relationship. He asks her to comb his hair so he can at least look cool going into the duel. Because that’s going to do it.

Rachel and Evan are trying to figure out who they want to send into the duel. Rachel doesn’t want to shake it up but it’s her chance to make a big power move. Apparently, a big power move involves screwing over her good friend, Aneesa, and convincing her to take on Tori and letting Rachel take on Diem should there be another duel after this one. She thinks that Tori is her biggest competition because they’re both athletic. If Aneesa, Rachel and Brit are going to be in the final, they’re going to have to take Tori out now.

They go through the selection process and MJ and Aneesa end up last. MJ gives a ten minute dissertation on why he selected Brad. It was important and well thought out. Trust me. Aneesa picks Tori because she hasn’t been in a duel and no one deserves a free ride. On her way to Aneesa, Tori mutters something about Rachel sending Aneesa to do her dirty work and It. Is. On.

MJ picks Duel Pole Dancing and Aneesa picks The Elevator. Unable to control herself, Tori jumps up and down as if she’s already won the thing which pisses off Aneesa. Come on Tori, don’t poke the beast.

Landon and Brit are ruminating about how nice it would be to know that they were done and already in the finals. Landon thinks he deserves to be in the finals and it would be a huge let down if he didn’t win the whole thing. This is the primary reason I can’t stand Brit and I know I’m supposed to hate him too but he’s just so darn pretty.

Aneesa, Rachel and Brit are planning their challenge domination. Rachel is so glad that she and Aneesa have stuck together through this whole competition as they originally planned. Oh, except for the part where you ditched her for a relationship with a fake lesbian. Apologies and “I love you”s were exchanged. Blah. I’d rather watch Brad and Tori.

The latest in 1980s, lesbian, mafia-wife fashion.

Tori and Diem are sitting on the kitchen counter (feel free to put your butt where people put their dinner) and are giddy about The Elevator. Aneesa walks by and Tori explains she was excited, not because she thought she was going to win, but because she didn’t want a physical challenge where Aneesa could get ugly (too late) and pummel her. Aneesa explains what it’s like to be sportsmanlike and competitive and wishes they could do it like the guys do (not touching that one) – where they’re friendly, they battle and then peace out. Tori asks Aneesa if she wants a hug and I commend Aneesa for not pounding her into the ground.

I would give anything to see Aneesa and Tori in Push Over or Hook ‘Em but I’m going to have to settle for a bunch of contact-free chain pulling. The challenge starts and it looks like they’re both putting up a good fight. Based on the editing I know that’s what I’m supposed to believe but I can’t imagine (or live in) a world where Tori beats out Aneesa.

Stay tuned for the very exciting finale next week (which was actually three days ago) and I’m going to figure out how to post these things in a timely fashion so you might actually get the last recap before The Challenge XXVI begins.

Be gentle. I’m new here.
TinyElvis.

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