Picture it: Somewhere off the coast of Panama. Actually, that’s not true. It’s not just anywhere. It’s in Bocas del Toro, or “the mouths of the bull”. Because apparently bulls have two mouths now. But that’s not all that’s different. This time times are tough. People are washing up on shore. Rachel has no friends. The margarita machine only has ONE FLAVOR! For the love of God someone is petting a bug! Brace yourself Gasmii.
I don’t think we’re at the I.O. anymore, Toto
Welcome back Gasmii! As you’ve seen from the previews, we’re in for a totally new kind of show this season. All the rules have changed! Some old folks are back with a vengence! It’s survivor meets the real world, meets Britney opens the VMAs. Only without the weird hair extensions, and the subtle letdown. So pick up your drinks and put down your concept of dignity and self respect, as we prepare for the best Mexican vacation since that time you made out at the soap suds party in Cancun. Or maybe that was just me. Anyway, grab your best Under Armour outfit and let’s get goin’. It’s The Island, bitch.
But first, some reintroductions. The crew has been reworked and we’re updated on where their lives have gone since we last saw our cast. There are far too many cast members and I had far too much to drink last night to mention each one individually, but as a brief summary here’s what we’ve learned:
Derrick got married and found out he has a baby on the way. Uh, more than likely not quite in that order. Nothing screams, “Fuck, why didn’t that bitch just go to the clinic?” like a 24 year oold guy getting married. Except maybe a 24 year old holding a bottle of jack and a coat hanger.
Tonya is also back, and she’s gotten her life under control since the last time we saw her. Which I’m assuming means that she’s stopped throwing people’s clothes in the pool, and crying for no reason. More proof she’s a normal girl now: she’s moved to a town in Nebraska with a population of 520 people…
And one hungry hippo
Dumby Bear may have lost Julie, but he hasn’t lost that tremendous ego of his, as he tells us that no one is a good as him, or as fast as him, or athletic as him. So if he loses this game it will be his own fault. Oh Dumby, we’ve seen your work before. We know it won’t be your fault. It’ll be Ashli’s fault, cause she’s a “stupid slutty bitch.”
After a somewhat long hiatus Rachel is back. I will forever be terrified of Rachel. Maybe it’s because she’s tough and intimidating. Or maybe it’s because she appears to split her time away from the challenges bench pressing Toyotas and having her genitalia removed.
It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose
Oh, and that guy Dan is back. I don’t really know Dan, but I’m glad he’s there because it seems like he’ll get drunk a lot, and I suspect he has a drug problem.
Damn, this is some good blow
Come to think of it, I think Dan’s from one of those Road Rules Viewer’s Revenge seasons. You know, back when MTV was going through that phase where production actually took into consideration which cast members the viewers want to see on television. MTV is very much OUT of that phase now. In a related story, Colie’s back.
After a quick synopsis of our cast we cut to TJ and friends on a boat where they’re explained the rules for this season. First and foremost, there are no teams. Accordingly there are no challenges. The cast will be stranded on a deserted island. It will be just like “Cast Away.” Only in this case, the castaways will have sleekly designed bungalows, and immediate access to T-Mobile sidekicks. On sporadic occasions supplies including food, water and materials to build boats will be dropped off by the US Army. Cause, you know, the US Army has nothing more important to be doing. Fuck the state of Louisiana, Kenny Santucci needs some Q-tips.
As a poor New Orleans woman named Lucille continues to drink from the puddle outside her house, TJ continues: There are twenty cast members, but there will only be two boats and each boat will hold four people, and- oh for the love of God TJ, I’m hung over today, enough with the math. Just give it to me straight. Okay 12 people are either going home or will be left on the island playing checkers with Jacob in the cabin. Fine. The 8 finalists will head over to another island where there is a buried treasure chest containing $300,000. You need 4 keys to open the chest which means the loot gets split four ways. Wait, did I really just call it “the loot”? Wow. The residual effects of Captain Morgan are alarming.
After the rules have been laid out the cast is kicked off the boat and sent swimming to their deserted island. Upon their arrival there’s no toilet paper, limited water, and the show is relatively boring for a moment. Then it hits me: they’re gonna give them booze right? They need booze! I’m telling you right now if they don’t get booze, I’m done recapping this show. At this point everyone (including me) is looking around wondering where the US Army is.
Right on cue the supplies are dropped and we’re back in business. A couple mouthfuls of rice and two margarita’s later Rachel and Jenn are making out (but Jenn’s not gay). Moments later Ryan’s tongue is down Ashli’s throat (but Ryan’s not straight). That’s the great thing about these challenges, they’re always good as a refresher course on the complexities of sexual preference.
Meanwhile Johanna and Kenny have apparently become a couple. I think. I’m struggling to figure out whether they actually like each other or the two of them are just doing their best to insure a double feature Stuff Magazine photo shoot.
Okay Johanna, now arch your back. Good.
Meanwhile, Tonya starts crying for no reason.
Cohutta and Kellyanne go for a walk and we’re told that despite their flirty nature, they’ve decided to just be friends. That said, Cohutta’s a southern gentleman, so he tells us that he cares very much for Kellyanne. So much so, in fact, that he’d take a bulllet in the ass for her. Somewhere in the background Ryan is laughing about how if you want to prove you care about him, you’re gonna have to take a little more in the ass than just a bullet.
Cohutta walks his very drunk friend back to her bunk where she lays down and promptly pukes on the floor next to her like this:
And then smiles proudly like this:
The next morning Abram gets a couple of the guys together to try to start making a boat. Kenny calls him Huck Finn, diddles around with some rope and then decides to go inside and see if he can find one of those drinks with a cute little umbrella in it.
On his way to the fridge he bumps into Tonya and some others where after Tonya rightly points out that he does more time complaining than actually helping, Kenny replies by telling Tonya she’s crazy and then calls her a “retard.” All the while dressed like Jasper Parnevik. Kenny has a way of finely walking the line between entertaining and douche bag. But I’ll tell you what: it takes balls to resort name calling when you’re dressed in purple argyle.
Tonya gets upset, and goes outside by herself to cry on the beach for no reason. And maybe hyperventilate a little. It’s nice to see her under control.
Dunbar and Dan start hanging out and talking about how they need to stick together, while Derrick Kenny and Johnny form their own alliance. Hmmm. The veterans teaming up against the rookies. Yes this is VERY different than every other challenge. Next thing you know, the guys are gonna be teaming up against the girls.
Later that night, the booze comes out, immediately followed by the hormones. Having discovered that the carpet DOES, in fact, match the drapes, Johanna tells us she is done with Wes and is ready to move on. Cut to her standing on a chair telling Kenny to “take her.” Sluts are so funny.
Kenny happily obliges and carries her out to the water while everyone cheers them on. I’d like to tell you why they were all cheering but I frankly I haven’t the faintest idea. All I know is by the end of the night Johnny Bananas was hand delivering them condoms on a coconut platter. I see nothing else to deduce from this string of events but that Johanna and Kenny have somehow convinced the island people that they are deities of some sort, and the island people have agreed to become their servants. Keep an eye out for Paula to be knitting Kenny new Kangol hats any day now.
And YOU!… Find me a bow tie to go with this vest
The next morning TJ is back to explain more of the rules to us. Oh no. Every time TJ comes out to “explain” something to us, I end up more confused than I started. Today there will be a (cough) “faceoff.” Faceoffs? Haha, oh I get it, MTV. You’re really sticking with this “no challenges” claim, huh? Three people will battle in the face-offs. The winner gets a key and then the remainder of the casts decides which of the two face-off losers to give the second key, and which to send home, based on how good of a job the losers do at begging.
The cast goes back to their bungalows to decide which three people to send into the face-off. Abe immediately volunteers, deciding that he’d like a key as quickly as possible. Kenny feeling like he has a chance against Abe, quickly volunteers as well. The cast begins the voting as to the last person to send in, while Tonya feverishly tries to scrub the bulls-eye off of her forehead. Then she starts crying for no reason.
Unfortunately for Tonya it’s no use and most of the group sends her in. Including Ryan who tells her that she’s a complete psychopath, but he loves her. Uh….very sweet of him. I think.
The face-off requires them to swim into the water, pull color coded pegs out of some wood, climb a leaning wood pole, and place the pegs in their respective holes. First person to place fill all their peg holes and ring the victory bell wins.
Kenny gives a speech about how if he loses to Tonya he’ll kill himself. Half the MTV viewers immediately start rooting for Tonya. Tonya gives a speech about how everyone underestimates her. She immediately proves them all wrong by actually doing worse than anyone even anticipated.
Fuck, I can’t believe I forgot to pack my A-game
In the end Abe wins and Kenny and Tonya are forced to plead their case to the rest of the cast members who are oddly positioned above, below and to the side of each other like they’re seated on some sort of council. Or about to replace the Brady’s in the opening credits of the Brady bunch.
Tonya commences her pleading. But first, she starts crying for no reason. She finishes her begging with what can only be described as an “I suck, therefore I pose no threat, please let me stay” case. Shrewd. Actually, it’s probably a good move on her part, as I fear the “it’s just not as mentally stable here without me” case would have fallen on deaf ears.
Most of the group gets rid of her, and Ryan again tells Tonya that he loves her. And that she’s a psychopath. Ah, true friendship. Then, in what I consider the most intriguing comment of the episode Cohutta tells Tonya he’s sending her back to pizza hut. Then everyone laughs. I’m still deciding if this comment is to be interpreted literally, and I’m just missing a key part of the joke, or if this is the southerners version of a “yo mamma joke.” Reader feedback here is appreciated.
Well gasmii, Kenny lives to see another week and we bid Tonya farewell. I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’s sad to see her go. She says goodbye and then tells us off camera that she’s okay leaving because she just wanted to come back onto the show to prove to everyone how much she has changed. And then she starts to cry for no reason.