This week on The Island, Dave suggests ranch is something more than just a flavor, Bananas shows us his rotten side, and I develop a small crush on Abram. I know! I’m as shocked as you are!!
We open our second episode in the wee hours of the morning (read: 11:00 am) and all of our favorite challengers are waking up and rubbing the crusties from their eyes. We cut to Johanna who is awaking with Kenny, presumably after night three of, um, cuddling her way to three hundred thousand dollars.
Kenny is telling Johanna how hungry he is and that at times like this, when the conditions are so poor and your biggest concern is survival, all you can think about is food. Am I missing something here? What’s really so bad about the conditions on this island? Outdoor toilets? Twin size beds? Have these people never been camping? The dingiest part of this island, as far as I’m concerned, is that there’s a high probability of contracting an STD. And the last time I checked, every Real World house in the last 8 seasons has contained that type of a hazard anyway.
Cut to Hollywood Dave, who tells us that he has “so much bad ass stuff” on his resume. Are you wondering what all this bad ass stuff is? Yeah me too. Don’t worry, Hollywood Dave’s gonna tell us. In addition to wearing bad ass camouflage outfits, he once broke his wrist, had staples in his head, and get this: played college lacrosse. Hmm.
Now let me preface what I’m about to say, my dear gasmii, by saying that it’s been about 5 years since I’ve been in college, and I mean no disrespect to Mr. Johns Hopkins or the entire state of North Carolina for that matter, but last time I checked, the requirements for being a college lacrosse player amounted to speed, a helmet, and occasionally, the ability to slip a sorority girl a roofie. And by “slip a roofie” I mean wear your lacrosse jacket to the bar and put your hand up her skirt while she pretends to be too drunk to notice.
“Four hat-tricks senior year dude. I’m serious.”
Speed ahead to dinner and Johnny Bananas is playing chef, and handing out rations of chicken and rice. KellyAnne and Bananas start fighting, because supposedly KellyAnne took extra rice the other day and didn’t give it to Ashli like she said she would. Bickering ensues and ultimately KellyAnne tells Bananas to shut his mouth. I can’t help but wonder what state of affairs has made KellyAnne so aggressive. Remember the good old days in Sydney when she dedicated her time to self-consciously following Trisha around, and handled her anger by passive-aggressively spitting on glass windows?
Anyhoo, as with many of our lives, all the good stuff happens when the sun goes down and the alcohol comes out. So let’s get to the evening. Dave asks Abe and Derrick what their significant others think about them being in Panama for a month. Abe answers by making that tongue through the lips farting noise you make when you’re seven and think that mouth imitating ass constitutes high comedy. Derrick nods a little but pleads the fifth when it comes to discussing wifey. I don’t blame you D. Sore subject. Icksnay on the Ocked-up Knay.
Dave tells us that he’s got “something good” going on back home so it was hard to leave. Then he tells us that they’ve known each other for a month. A month huh? Solid. Yeah, Dave I’m sure that just like you, Something Good is back home telling all her friends what a great guy you are. Or at least she will. As soon she gets your best friend’s dick out of her mouth.
Next we cut to drunken Dan, which leads us to a little something I failed to discuss last week. And that is the fact that Dan calls himself “Dantastic.” I…I mean…who would ever… it’s just…I can’t even begin to… It’s ridiculous. Not to mention corny and laughable. Laughable at you, not with you. Who gives themselves their own nickname? Besides Bananas I mean. And when you find yourself in a situation where you have to give yourself your own nickname, who comes up with Dantastic? It’s absurd. I spend the next five minutes ranting about this to my roommate when it occurs to me that when I first started writing these recaps I nicknamed myself McSteeny. Let’s move on, shall we?
After a drunktastic montage of Dan in a stupor, we cut to Dave telling Bananas that Dantastic is a liability, and that Dave wants him gone. Cut to Bananas confessional-style insinuating that he’s going to tell Dantastic what Dave said. Bananas justifies this devilish behavior by telling us that if you want to win this game, you have to have a little scum bag in you. Well. In that case, sign me the eff up, because I can tell you with no level of uncertainty that over the course of three overly-trusting and naÃ¯ve years I myself had not one but TWO little scumbags in me.
Eventually Bananas does indeed tell Dan what Dave said, at which point Dan starts yelling at Dave.
If you think I’m a weak player, then you’re living in Dantasy Land, asshole!
The next day Abe and a few other boys are hunting for crabs (um..why not start in your beds?) when they notice a fruit tree which Abram promptly begins to climb. See, this is why I love Abram. If you find a fruit tree with the average guy, the average guy’s gonna throw shit at it till something falls, and when that fails start googling the local A&P produce department. But not with Abram. No, find a fruit tree with Abram and not only is he gonna climb the hell up it, but he’ll rip the thing open with his bare hands, and squeeze you fresh juice with it. How can you not love Abe?
Anyway, Abe climbs the fruit tree, MTV dubs in some audio of bees swarming and next thing we know Abram’s diving in the water and running away like a lunatic, removing his shirt as he flees. Somebody calls the medic as we discover that Abe has some nasty wasp stings all over him, including his lip. Which, in case Abe is wondering, I will happily kiss for him.
“Hey, while you’re back there, I have an itch on my right shoulder. Little help?”
Just when we think Bananas can’t be more prickish, he starts talking shit about Robin and KellyAnne being on medication. Which KellyAnne rebuts by suggesting that perhaps she will “not take her meds, and just punch Johnny in the face.” I could be wrong, but isn’t a straight denial a better approach to this type of insult? A simple, “I’m not on medication, dick” would have sufficed, but hey. If you’re trying to distract him from any potential mental illness by refocusing his attention on your anger management issues, then by all means my dear, consider yourself successful.
Never to be outdone in a prick-off, Bananas moves on to KellyAnne’s recent plastic surgery. Which is odd, because I don’t notice anything but the new tatas…what am I missing?. Bananas even at one point suggests Botox. Now I’m completely confused. Is Bananas just a moron? Eh, don’t answer that.
Ev takes KellyAnne for a walk to try to seduce her, I mean, calm her down, while the US Army comes to drop off some more supplies. Meanwhile I silently pray the big wood box contains Patron. And that the army’s next stop is my apartment. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Turns out the box contains boat materials and a cell phone with ten minutes of talk time on it. Fuck, how are they supposed to drink THAT? Abe calls his company (which I’ve discovered is some sort of green architecture company) only to find out that an important deposit was not made. Oh. So basically Abe is going home. You and your blatantly obvious foreshadowing MTV… I’ll never tire of it.
OMG, pls snd Evan. I cnt do ths alne. From, Kenny
That night Dave gets shit-housed, annoys people, pukes, and then decides he wants to go home. Guess what Dave? I kinda want you to go home now too. After wheeling/throwing his suitcase into the dark, Jenn chases after him and convinces him to sleep on it. Dave reluctantly agrees, then he collapses on his bed and cuddles up with his mosquito netting.
“Before you go, I’m taking a poll… do my eyebrows look better like this?”
This is the point of the episode when Kenny mentions that Dave “may have been the man in Hollywood,” (he may have?) “but he’s swimming with the sharks now.” I know Ken. Imagine if Dave ever came back to New Jersey with you and had to swim with the sharks and their mommies?
The next morning Dave tells Derrick that the reason he wants to go home is because he just wants to eat pizza and ranch while Something Good plays with his hair. Or as they say outside of Hollywood: Because I’m a big pussy.
TJ comes out to provide us with some information, while simultaneously fulfilling his role as a human billboard. Schwinn advertising quota: check. Anyway, he calls Dave a quitter, and then follows it up by calling him soft. Ouch. Meanwhile Dave covers his face in shame and pretends to still be hung over. Then he quickly leaves. See ya later Dave. Give Something Good a kiss from all of us when you get back. No worries, I’m sure the semen’s off her breath by now.
TJ tells the group it’s time for the Face-off, and Bananas and Derrick immediately volunteer. No sooner do they get the words out of their mouth, does Abe, who already has a key, stand up and volunteer for the last spot by announcing, “I’ll have a little of that.” Everyone is shocked, myself included, but we all shrug it off based on the fact that Abe’s a lunatic. Cue pants shitting on the part of Bananas.
Later that night Kenny reminds Bananas that he needs to win because everyone hates him and he doesn’t stand a chance if it comes down to a vote. Way to be supportive Kenneth. Bananas talks up his own abilities all the while cutting into a coconut and running episodes of Gilligan’s Island in his head desperately trying to recollect if the Professor ever turned a coconut into A Chance In Hell of Winning.
This week’s Face-off is basically the same as “Pole Wrestling” from last season, except this time you have to hold on to a ring instead of a pole. If you take your hands off the ring, or step out of the circle in which the match is being held, you get a point. If you get two points you lose the Face-off. Everybody caught up? Okay.
Just before TJ starts the match Johnny Bananas leans over to Derrick and whispers something in his ear which we are lead to believe was an agreement to team up against Abram. Of course, being the cynic that I am, I have other suspicions.
” Yo, I turned a cocunt into a radio last night. I’ll let you listen to it if you let me win.”
Bananas and Derrick successfully team up against Abram, but not before Abe gets Johnny out of the ring once. That leaves Derrick and his wrestling background to finish off Bananas and gain immunity.
Knowing that Banana’s survival is in the hands of the voters, KellyAnne reminds us that Bananas is a sexist prick. Then she tells us that if he gets voted off she just might take her clothes off and do a little dance. Brilliant. Because nothing shuts up a sexist like behaving like a stripper.
Cut to the Brady Council scene and Abe is up first for his pleading. Sadly, he tells us that his company is having an issue and he has to be home to resolve it. Then he asks to be sent home. Then I throw a shoe at my TV and maybe cry a little. Left with not much pleading to do, Bananas comes out, talks sorta tough and “refuses to kiss ass.” Awesome, tough guy. You’re the most bad ass thing to hit Panama since Hollywood Dave’s resume.
Sadly a majority of the council respects Abe’s request. Shockingly though, Bananas was able to piss enough people off that they still voted for Johnny even though Abe asked to go home. Everyone is shocked by this, including Abe.
“Holy shit dude, McSteeny’s right, you really are rotten”
Upon his departure Abram has to give his key away, so he gives it to Dunbar. Dunbar is in shock, and tells us he’s quite humbled by this. Dumby Bear, you’re the only male left that’s not gay or entirely useless. Spare us the humility. Nobody’s buyin it anyway.
“Thanks man. I will guard it with my life, and occassionally beat my girlfriend with it”
And so it is Gasmii. With that our (read: my) dear Abram is gone. Off to make the world a greener place, and apparently to have a milkshake. Next week promises some high intensity and a dramatic catfight. Until then gasmii…