This week on The Island, Johnny has a birthday party, Ashli makes me hate her; and Johanna does her best Slutty Drunk Shotgirl impression.
“Good one! Now do Stupid Spoiled Whore!”
We open with reminders about the terrible conditions, and are informed that Colie, Jenn and Johanna want burgers. Oh please. Like these girls eat. What’s Johanna gonna do with a burger? Stuff her bra with it?
Meanwhile Paula is talking to Ashli about how Paula wants to go in the next Face-off, to which Ashli replies, “I want to go in too.” Ashli is sort of like your younger sister that’s constantly fucking up your plans by insisting to your parents that she should be able to go wherever you go. Do you have any idea how many times I didn’t get to go to Playland when I was younger, just beccause my friend’s parents didn’t think to invite my little sister? To this day I can barely hear the word “dragoncoaster” without tearing up.
It’s not that Ashli is trying to be annnoying. It’s just that she’s frustrated, because she’s starting to feel like maybe she’s being used as a pawn. Ashli honey, what’s frustrating to me is that you followed Dunbar around Sydney for two months removing your panties at the drop of a hat, and it’s just NOW that you’ve begun to understand the concept of being a pawn. If you want to be served in the Frustration Department, my dear, you’re gonna have to take an effing number.
Anywho…over at the bunks Ev is talking to Robin, Kenny, and KellyAnne about how everyone is intimidated by her. Ev says that she works very hard to get in shape for these challenges and she doesn’t think she should be punished for it. For once I actually agree with Ev. I mean, it’s not her fault she was born with more adrenaline than any biologically correct woman should have. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the scientists who mixed extra testosterone into her mom’s testube. In the meantime, you give those boys a piece of your mind Ev! They’re not half the man you are! No, really. You’re kind of a man.
As Ev continues to talk about how Johnny is always picking on her, Johnny has his head out of the window of the bungalow next door and is listening to the whole conversation. As a result, Johnny gets upset and tells the camera that “when you put your nose where it doesn’t belong, I will bite your head off.” Complaints about things being put where they don’t belong? Interesting complaint coming from a man who once made a girl hump a banana.
In the kitchen sometime later, Johnny is cooking and complaining to Ev that since food is so sparce, she shouldn’t be allowed to eat fish if she still has eggs left from previous meals. I’m so over these two fighting. Wake me when they’ve both gone home. Or have at least resorted to hate-fucking.
Cut to the evening and we discover that it’s Johnny’s birthday. In celebration of the occassion, everyone gets dolled up in war paint, and starts slapping each other’s asses. Nice.
Jenn slyly waits for Johnny to pound his last Jack and Sea Water of the night and then pulls Johnny outside to tell him that he’s a bit of a ring leader, but that she doesn’t care, she just wants in. In to The Family? In to the Face-off? In to Robert DeNiro’s Circle of Trust? Jenn, sweetie, I realize you’re one malibu and pineapple away from thinking that you actually are Pocahontas, but you’re gonna have to be more specific here.
Whatever she meant, Johnny gets it, and he replies by telling her that he would rather Jenn have a key then the other girls. Even the other girls who are already in his alliance. There’s nothing like a cloak of disloyalty to really dress up a douchebag. Someone remind me again why Jenn’s trying so hard to get this prick on her side?
Suddenly they are distracted by the sounds of Ashli yelling something about a pageant. Pageant? What pageant? Cut to the wife beater party. Oh so that’s what game they’re playing… The Domestic Violence Victim Pageant. Well that’s not even fair, obviously Paula is at an advantage there…
“There’s just something about this guy that reminds me of my ex. I can’t put my finger on it…”
Apparently Ashli is upset because Robin called her a rookie, but more importantly than that, Ashli is upset, because the way Robin talked to her was like Robin thought Ashli was below her. Oh Ashli, darling, why split hairs? When it comes to reality tv stars you all pretty much have no where to go but up.
Robin fires back, and says she earned he right to call Ashli a rookie. Feeling the need to defend herself, Ashli gets pissed and tries to insult Robin by reminding her that she’s 28 years old. Then Ryan tells us he’s never seen Ashli like this before.
Of course you haven’t. She’s got a fuckin heart sharpied on to her face
Cut to a commercal and and cue some rain. Ashli is very upset about her tiff with Robin so she starts walking around outside and steps on a piece of glass. This cuts her toe and we hear her scream. Then she tells us her “toe fell off.” Riiiiight. Have some more vodka Ashli, sweetie.
“They’re not amputating my right leg are they?”
Turns out the cut is pretty bad, and the medic comes out and tells us that Ashli needs to go to the hospital and get stitches, and we learn that Ashli can’t get her foot wet or walk on it for the next week. Robin seems a bit pleased with this as she tells the camera, “Karma’s a bitch.”
The camera’s got news for you honey: So is that temper of yours.
The next morning Robin and Ashli make up, and soon after an airdrop follows. Jenn tells Tyrie to go get it, since he has never gone out to retrieve the box before. Ty says he’s not getting it, to which Jenn replies that all he does is eat. Which is unfair to Ty. In his defense, he also drinks and poops.
“Don’t listen to her dude. You’re doin fine.”
I have to mention the fact that when the airdrop was finally pulled on shore and Robin noticed two beams sticking out of the box, she started yelling in excitement, “Yay, stripper poles.” I’m just gonna leave it at that. I don’t know, I just feel like you can only suggest that a person is a slighly insane slut so many times before it starts to come back to haunt you.
When Ashli gets back from the doctor and tells the group that she has to stay off of her foot, Dunbar says that Ashli has become “just another mouth to feed,” so she should probably just leave. Why the sudden Ashli hate, Dumby Bear? She was rather unuseful in Sydney and you were just fine with her being there. Teach me the ways of your philosophy Mr. Bear. Ashli being just another mouth to feed is somehow a problem, but Ashli being just another mouth to bust a nut into is okay?
Dan is actually cool and says Ashli should do what she wants, but Dunbar has had it, and starts to lose his temper. You can see him slowly start to creep towards total psychopath while he forcefully cuts into the steak. Dumby’s youth must have really been tormented. I mean, really, it’s amazing what a couple of uncomfortable Sundays behind the chapel with Father Pickletickle can do to a boy.
The next day Johnny The Don takes his thrown. Then he annouces to his handlers that Paula and Jenn shall volunteer and then the rest of the peasants shall vote KellyAnne in. God, this makes me sick. Johnny and Kenny leave and Johanna and Paula start questioning whether throwing KellyAnne in over Ashli is a good move, all the while whispering like two girls trying not to get caught staying up past their bedtime. Then Paula and Johanna have the nerve to suggest that they also may be being treated as pawns. What’s that? Questioning The Don!? Why this is blasphemy! Something must be done with them at once!
“I don’t know Johnny…I’m thinkin’ maybe Chinese water torture.”
Eventually the girls convince Kenny and Johnny to let them send Ashli in because mentally she is already on her way home anyway. I’d say mentally she’s on her way to the fifth grade, but okay, we can go with “home” if you’d prefer. Kenny and Johnny reluctantly agree, but not before threatening the girls with being pushed out of the alliance if their plan backfires. Honestly how do these girls sit around taking orders from these guys? Where are their backbones and basic concepts of self-respect? I think the two of them should take a walk with Heidi from The Hills and see if they can’t find themselves some on-coming traffic.
Meanwhile, a bunch of bugs come to terrorize our challengers. After some over-dramatic complaints from practically everyone, Kenny starts referring to the bugs as one of God’s dreaded plagues. Get serious, Ken. As if the list of God’s many plagues doesn’t include the infestation of New Jersey guidos into the remainder of normal society. Here’s some advice. It’s very simple: focus on your goal, and pretend they aren’t there. It’s how I get through the Garden State Mall in one piece.
When voting time comes, everything goes according to The Don’s plan. Jenn, Paula, Ashli, Ev and someone else (I forget) all volunteer, but only Paula, Jenn and Ashli get enough votes to head into the face-off. Curses!
Short commercial, and we’re back at the face-off which is called “ball buster.” To keep it short and sweet, each girl teams up with a guy of her choice and the task is to get a giant ball into her own goal. First team to get two goals wins. Paula picks Dunbar, Ashli picks Derrick and Jenn picks Tyrie. The way the face-off ends up looking is best summed up by Colie, who accurately described it as being just like little kids’ soccer where everyone runs around looking confused and accomplishing nothing. Add to that aimless physical activity the exicitability of those kids in Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory, and boom, there’s “ball busters.’
“Come on Derrick, help me get this giant gobstobber back to my bunk”
Paula gets knocked around quite a bit which provides me with much needed laughter. Eventually Paula and Dunbar team up with Jenn and Tyrie and agree to let Paula win, in exchange for everyone agreeing to vote to keep Jenn in the game and getting rid of Ashli. Ugh, this alliance crap is nonsense. If not for the fact that I despised Ashli by the end of this episode and actually wanted to see her go home, I would have written MTV a letter just to express my discontent with these alliances. Actually, it wouldn’t be a letter to MTV to express my discontent as much as it would be fan mail to Brody Jenner to express that he has a cute tooshie. But I’d add a line or two about us perhaps visiting Panama together and getting drunk a lot. So that sort of counts.
Vote off time!! Jenn and Ashli are up to, eh hem, plead their cases. Jenn tries to give a big motivational speech, which I find fantastically boring. Also, her outfit is rather distracting. I really don’t get the headband/braid thing. Apparently neither does Ashli.
“Hmm..is it, like, Panamanian Halloween?”
Ashli’s is up next, and her speech basically goes, “Yeah, I’m probably not much use around here, so you should probably just keep Jenn here and send me home. If you want.” Is she fucking kidding me with this?
I’m practically screaming at my television screen about the fact that this little bitch is ruining everything, when finally TJ cuts her off, to rightfully point out the fact that she is basically quitting and had no business going into the face-off to begin with. The conversation between them is something like this (okay fine, it’s not exactly like this, but it might as well have been):
Ashli: Send me home.
TJ: So you’re quitting.
TJ: But you’re telling them to send you home.
Ashli: No…I’m telling them to do what’s best
TJ: And you’re saying that what’s best is to send you home.
Ashli: But I ended it with “If you want”….
TJ: You’re quitting.
“God I hate you.”
We end with the plan being to never let Ev go in, but just you wait, Gasmii! Next week the rules changes and it looks like The days of the Don may be over! Until then…