Real World Road Rules Challenge: Episode 4: Quitting means never having to say I suck.

The Challenge

By Dr. McSteeny | Wednesday, October 8, 2008 | 2:01 am | 16 Comments

Tagged: challenge, funny, hilarious, recap, spoof, TV, tvgasm

This week on The Island, Johnny has a birthday party, Ashli makes me hate her; and Johanna does her best Slutty Drunk Shotgirl impression.

“Good one! Now do Stupid Spoiled Whore!”

We open with reminders about the terrible conditions, and are informed that Colie, Jenn and Johanna want burgers. Oh please. Like these girls eat. What’s Johanna gonna do with a burger? Stuff her bra with it?

Meanwhile Paula is talking to Ashli about how Paula wants to go in the next Face-off, to which Ashli replies, “I want to go in too.” Ashli is sort of like your younger sister that’s constantly fucking up your plans by insisting to your parents that she should be able to go wherever you go. Do you have any idea how many times I didn’t get to go to Playland when I was younger, just beccause my friend’s parents didn’t think to invite my little sister? To this day I can barely hear the word “dragoncoaster” without tearing up.

It’s not that Ashli is trying to be annnoying. It’s just that she’s frustrated, because she’s starting to feel like maybe she’s being used as a pawn. Ashli honey, what’s frustrating to me is that you followed Dunbar around Sydney for two months removing your panties at the drop of a hat, and it’s just NOW that you’ve begun to understand the concept of being a pawn. If you want to be served in the Frustration Department, my dear, you’re gonna have to take an effing number.

Anywho…over at the bunks Ev is talking to Robin, Kenny, and KellyAnne about how everyone is intimidated by her. Ev says that she works very hard to get in shape for these challenges and she doesn’t think she should be punished for it. For once I actually agree with Ev. I mean, it’s not her fault she was born with more adrenaline than any biologically correct woman should have. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the scientists who mixed extra testosterone into her mom’s testube. In the meantime, you give those boys a piece of your mind Ev! They’re not half the man you are! No, really. You’re kind of a man.

As Ev continues to talk about how Johnny is always picking on her, Johnny has his head out of the window of the bungalow next door and is listening to the whole conversation. As a result, Johnny gets upset and tells the camera that “when you put your nose where it doesn’t belong, I will bite your head off.” Complaints about things being put where they don’t belong? Interesting complaint coming from a man who once made a girl hump a banana.

In the kitchen sometime later, Johnny is cooking and complaining to Ev that since food is so sparce, she shouldn’t be allowed to eat fish if she still has eggs left from previous meals. I’m so over these two fighting. Wake me when they’ve both gone home. Or have at least resorted to hate-fucking.

Cut to the evening and we discover that it’s Johnny’s birthday. In celebration of the occassion, everyone gets dolled up in war paint, and starts slapping each other’s asses. Nice.

Jenn slyly waits for Johnny to pound his last Jack and Sea Water of the night and then pulls Johnny outside to tell him that he’s a bit of a ring leader, but that she doesn’t care, she just wants in. In to The Family? In to the Face-off? In to Robert DeNiro’s Circle of Trust? Jenn, sweetie, I realize you’re one malibu and pineapple away from thinking that you actually are Pocahontas, but you’re gonna have to be more specific here.

Whatever she meant, Johnny gets it, and he replies by telling her that he would rather Jenn have a key then the other girls. Even the other girls who are already in his alliance. There’s nothing like a cloak of disloyalty to really dress up a douchebag. Someone remind me again why Jenn’s trying so hard to get this prick on her side?

Suddenly they are distracted by the sounds of Ashli yelling something about a pageant. Pageant? What pageant? Cut to the wife beater party. Oh so that’s what game they’re playing… The Domestic Violence Victim Pageant. Well that’s not even fair, obviously Paula is at an advantage there…

“There’s just something about this guy that reminds me of my ex. I can’t put my finger on it…”

Apparently Ashli is upset because Robin called her a rookie, but more importantly than that, Ashli is upset, because the way Robin talked to her was like Robin thought Ashli was below her. Oh Ashli, darling, why split hairs? When it comes to reality tv stars you all pretty much have no where to go but up.

Robin fires back, and says she earned he right to call Ashli a rookie. Feeling the need to defend herself, Ashli gets pissed and tries to insult Robin by reminding her that she’s 28 years old. Then Ryan tells us he’s never seen Ashli like this before.

Of course you haven’t. She’s got a fuckin heart sharpied on to her face

Cut to a commercal and and cue some rain. Ashli is very upset about her tiff with Robin so she starts walking around outside and steps on a piece of glass. This cuts her toe and we hear her scream. Then she tells us her “toe fell off.” Riiiiight. Have some more vodka Ashli, sweetie.

“They’re not amputating my right leg are they?”

Turns out the cut is pretty bad, and the medic comes out and tells us that Ashli needs to go to the hospital and get stitches, and we learn that Ashli can’t get her foot wet or walk on it for the next week. Robin seems a bit pleased with this as she tells the camera, “Karma’s a bitch.”

The camera’s got news for you honey: So is that temper of yours.

The next morning Robin and Ashli make up, and soon after an airdrop follows. Jenn tells Tyrie to go get it, since he has never gone out to retrieve the box before. Ty says he’s not getting it, to which Jenn replies that all he does is eat. Which is unfair to Ty. In his defense, he also drinks and poops.

“Don’t listen to her dude. You’re doin fine.”

I have to mention the fact that when the airdrop was finally pulled on shore and Robin noticed two beams sticking out of the box, she started yelling in excitement, “Yay, stripper poles.” I’m just gonna leave it at that. I don’t know, I just feel like you can only suggest that a person is a slighly insane slut so many times before it starts to come back to haunt you.

When Ashli gets back from the doctor and tells the group that she has to stay off of her foot, Dunbar says that Ashli has become “just another mouth to feed,” so she should probably just leave. Why the sudden Ashli hate, Dumby Bear? She was rather unuseful in Sydney and you were just fine with her being there. Teach me the ways of your philosophy Mr. Bear. Ashli being just another mouth to feed is somehow a problem, but Ashli being just another mouth to bust a nut into is okay?

Dan is actually cool and says Ashli should do what she wants, but Dunbar has had it, and starts to lose his temper. You can see him slowly start to creep towards total psychopath while he forcefully cuts into the steak. Dumby’s youth must have really been tormented. I mean, really, it’s amazing what a couple of uncomfortable Sundays behind the chapel with Father Pickletickle can do to a boy.

The next day Johnny The Don takes his thrown. Then he annouces to his handlers that Paula and Jenn shall volunteer and then the rest of the peasants shall vote KellyAnne in. God, this makes me sick. Johnny and Kenny leave and Johanna and Paula start questioning whether throwing KellyAnne in over Ashli is a good move, all the while whispering like two girls trying not to get caught staying up past their bedtime. Then Paula and Johanna have the nerve to suggest that they also may be being treated as pawns. What’s that? Questioning The Don!? Why this is blasphemy! Something must be done with them at once!

“I don’t know Johnny…I’m thinkin’ maybe Chinese water torture.”

Eventually the girls convince Kenny and Johnny to let them send Ashli in because mentally she is already on her way home anyway. I’d say mentally she’s on her way to the fifth grade, but okay, we can go with “home” if you’d prefer. Kenny and Johnny reluctantly agree, but not before threatening the girls with being pushed out of the alliance if their plan backfires. Honestly how do these girls sit around taking orders from these guys? Where are their backbones and basic concepts of self-respect? I think the two of them should take a walk with Heidi from The Hills and see if they can’t find themselves some on-coming traffic.

Meanwhile, a bunch of bugs come to terrorize our challengers. After some over-dramatic complaints from practically everyone, Kenny starts referring to the bugs as one of God’s dreaded plagues. Get serious, Ken. As if the list of God’s many plagues doesn’t include the infestation of New Jersey guidos into the remainder of normal society. Here’s some advice. It’s very simple: focus on your goal, and pretend they aren’t there. It’s how I get through the Garden State Mall in one piece.

When voting time comes, everything goes according to The Don’s plan. Jenn, Paula, Ashli, Ev and someone else (I forget) all volunteer, but only Paula, Jenn and Ashli get enough votes to head into the face-off. Curses!

Short commercial, and we’re back at the face-off which is called “ball buster.” To keep it short and sweet, each girl teams up with a guy of her choice and the task is to get a giant ball into her own goal. First team to get two goals wins. Paula picks Dunbar, Ashli picks Derrick and Jenn picks Tyrie. The way the face-off ends up looking is best summed up by Colie, who accurately described it as being just like little kids’ soccer where everyone runs around looking confused and accomplishing nothing. Add to that aimless physical activity the exicitability of those kids in Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory, and boom, there’s “ball busters.’

“Come on Derrick, help me get this giant gobstobber back to my bunk”

Paula gets knocked around quite a bit which provides me with much needed laughter. Eventually Paula and Dunbar team up with Jenn and Tyrie and agree to let Paula win, in exchange for everyone agreeing to vote to keep Jenn in the game and getting rid of Ashli. Ugh, this alliance crap is nonsense. If not for the fact that I despised Ashli by the end of this episode and actually wanted to see her go home, I would have written MTV a letter just to express my discontent with these alliances. Actually, it wouldn’t be a letter to MTV to express my discontent as much as it would be fan mail to Brody Jenner to express that he has a cute tooshie. But I’d add a line or two about us perhaps visiting Panama together and getting drunk a lot. So that sort of counts.

Vote off time!! Jenn and Ashli are up to, eh hem, plead their cases. Jenn tries to give a big motivational speech, which I find fantastically boring. Also, her outfit is rather distracting. I really don’t get the headband/braid thing. Apparently neither does Ashli.

“Hmm..is it, like, Panamanian Halloween?”

Ashli’s is up next, and her speech basically goes, “Yeah, I’m probably not much use around here, so you should probably just keep Jenn here and send me home. If you want.” Is she fucking kidding me with this?

I’m practically screaming at my television screen about the fact that this little bitch is ruining everything, when finally TJ cuts her off, to rightfully point out the fact that she is basically quitting and had no business going into the face-off to begin with. The conversation between them is something like this (okay fine, it’s not exactly like this, but it might as well have been):

Ashli: Send me home.
TJ: So you’re quitting.
Ashli: No…
TJ: But you’re telling them to send you home.
Ashli: No…I’m telling them to do what’s best
TJ: And you’re saying that what’s best is to send you home.
Ashli: But I ended it with “If you want”….
TJ: You’re quitting.
Ashli: No…
TJ: Aquittersayswhat?
Ashli: What?

“God I hate you.”

We end with the plan being to never let Ev go in, but just you wait, Gasmii! Next week the rules changes and it looks like The days of the Don may be over! Until then…

Comments (16)
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About Dr. McSteeny

16 Comments

1

DrJerkass

Posted October 8, 2008 at 4:00 am

I’m going to start with my disclaimer that I’ve watched as little Real World or Road Rules as possible over the course of my life. However, I have seen quite a few episodes because of my wife, and I’ve read plenty of the recaps because they’re hilarious.

With that out of the way, there are people on the island that I’m pretty sure they just put there. For a while I thought it was just Johnny Plantain, Kenny, and a few of the girls that are so alike they’re interchangeable.

I guess the others are boring or not ridiculously annoying. I’m sure they won’t be invited back next time.
2

pimpycakes

Posted October 8, 2008 at 9:09 am

“Dumby’s youth must have really been tormented. I mean, really, it’s amazing what a couple of uncomfortable Sundays behind the chapel with Father Pickletickle can do to a boy.”

Um, all joking aside, I think he actually was molested by his grandfather. There was an episode of the Real World where he talked about it. Not sure why he takes it out on women though…
3

McSteeny

Posted October 8, 2008 at 10:37 am

Oh jesus, if that grandpa thing is true, then I feel terrible. I thought in his original show he said something about his dad being not so nice to him, but I didn’t think it was anything sexual. Eek. McSteeny. Foot. Mouth. No offense intended there…
4

carmelicious

Posted October 8, 2008 at 10:46 am

HAHA! I had to comment, this totally cracked me up:
“Ashli being just another mouth to feed is somehow a problem, but Ashli being just another mouth to bust a nut into is okay?”
– so awesome!

I totally agree with you about Ashley, and was thrilled to see her injured..oh I mean, go home.

I do though, have an inexplicable love for Robin and normally I can’t stand the criers, but something about her getting called out by a bunch of 22 year old camera-whores on being 28 makes me understand why she wants to be the shit out of these bitches!

Ev is scary, imagine if she went straight for a day, slept with Dumby, and got knocked up! Their kid would be like the love-child of Hulk Hogan and Ike Turner!

Is it weird that after years of hating on TJ, I kinda think he’s hot now? Something about the way he got all dickish with Ashley, and yelled at everyone totally turned me on!

Thanks for the awesome recap!
5

flipit

Posted October 8, 2008 at 11:22 am

for what it’s worth, dumby said that his grandpa “tried to molest” him. i still don’t know what that means, but i think you’re ok with your remarks. hah. great recap!
6

Hoolia

Posted October 8, 2008 at 11:42 am

McSteeny, I’ve been meaning to comment for weeks now but The Island airs at the same time as ANTM and since I’m usually eons late with my recamps, I never find the time. But lo and behold, HERE I AM!

I love love love all of your recaps. You crack me up. The opening screencap/caption of this weeks especially. Also, aquittersaywhat? Fantastic! Score one point for TJ, but every time he opens his mouth it just makes me miss the good ole days when J-Mo hosted the show. I’m totally that person who bitches about how much these challenges are going downhill and each season gets worse… yet still here I am.

Also, would you mind if I cosigned that letter to MTV about molesting Brody Jenner?

Keep up the fantastic work -

Love and kisses,
Hoolia
7

hoboscooter

Posted October 8, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Another great recap! And even better screencaps.

“Good one! Now do Stupid Spoiled Whore!”

“There’s just something about this guy that reminds me of my ex. I can’t put my finger on it…”

I used to like Paula, but now she’s just annoying. And I really thought Ashli was stupid for going in. There was no need for it.

I really hope Johnnny (mini) bananas doesn’t win.
8

pimpycakes

Posted October 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm

McSteeny:

I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted to let you know. It’s actually kind of scary when you think about it. If he was just an asshole who treated women like crap (a la Bananas) that would be one thing. But the fact that his anger seems to come from a REALLY dark, seemingly uncontrollable place is terrifying. That’s why he’s freaking out about the food and how many grams of protein he’s getting. He’s losing control.

I hope he doesn’t snap and make himself a Julie mask or something when he gets home.

Anyway, great recap. I’m just telling you all this because I thought your “There’s just something about this guy that reminds me of my ex. I can’t put my finger on it…” screencap was really smart and insightful.
9

J-Mo

Posted October 9, 2008 at 8:17 am

Wow, I don’t remember hosting this show… I must’ve been in the middle of my heavy Skittles addiction at the time…

love, J-Mo

P.S. McSteamy, I wuv your work!
10

shelley

Posted October 9, 2008 at 10:30 am

Wow, no screencap of Cohutta under his netting? That scene def. had me ROTFL. He made all those people look like the dumbasses they actually are while not really being mean at all about it. Loves it.
11

blahblah

Posted October 10, 2008 at 6:18 am

I haven’t actually seen one of these challenges in a really long time. I guess my old-ass (*gasp* 29 years-old) eyes can’t focus on that thing they call the TV through all the cataracts.

From your recaps, it sounds like this season is boring because most of the “vets” are basically the boring rookies from a couple challenges ago. They really do look at this as a fraternity/sorority of hazing, initiation rights, and seniority rules, don’t they? I don’t care how many challenges Robin does. She will never be Coral. Ditto Ashli, Colie, Jenn, and all the rest of those girls.

Is Kenny still funny? I can see from the pics that he’s still hot…
12

rkoenitzer

Posted October 10, 2008 at 7:40 am

I just finished reading the script. I read half and then I got real busy, but I just had a day off from school so I was able to finish it today. I enjoyed ever minute of it and I thought it was extremely creative, clever, and hilarious. I think it’s hard to write a comedy script that will appeal to a wide audience but I think this one will. Also, I think this genre (outrageous comedy) is really popular now and probably will continue to be for years into the future, so your script comes along at a good time.

I also think you have just the right amount of sub plots (bob’s adult underoos, cheap father, etc.) going on. I never lost track of the characters, and the storyline never got confusing. Sometimes people try to squeeze too many characters into a story, but I don’t think that’s the case here. Maybe you could even expand on the Church billboard idea that mentioned the priest “needing” alter boys, and add another humours anecdote about that.

For some reason while I was reading it, I imagined some parts of the script to have the same pace and mood as “The Royal Tennenbaums” or “Bottle Rocket”. This just may be because “The Royal Tennenbaums” uses a lot of humorous flashbacks to tell it’s story, as well. I think the use of flashbacks is a great addition to your script, and would play out remarkably when it makes it to the big screen. I also imagined a narrator at certain parts, but I’m not too sure about that idea.

Finally, I think the humor is original, and that is hard to achieve with so many things having been done already. That is the cornerstone of this script. The story is also original, as I don’t remember reading anything quite like it before. Obviously the sex theme is a popular one, but you rarely see it with senoir citizens as the focal point, thus adding more originality. You seem to work well with your friend, so I would encourage you to write more scripts together. You both have a unique, witty sense of humor that is evident all throughout this script.

Thanks for giving me the chance to read it. Please let me know what you would like me to do with it at this point. I haven’t talked to Amy recently about this, but hopefully she at least passed it along to someone out there. I will try and get her to spring into action.

Sincerely,
Thomas

PS I was reading a book about writing fiction this summer. It stressed the point that good stories are always right around you. Once you are aware of this you will never run out of ideas to write about. I don’t really write that much at the moment, but I started paying closer attention to my conversations with people, stories on the news, other people’s conversations, etc. and soon found out that there are so many interesting/funny anecdotes that you come across on a daily basis that new material should never be a problem. I even started to carry and little pad with me to jot down certain things as they unfolded. I guess this strategy is probably obvious to someone like yourself, but it helped me to get new ideas. Good luck with the script and any future ones!
13

mrsc

Posted October 10, 2008 at 8:56 am

OMG paging Dr. McSteeny, paging Dr. McSteeny…

PLEASE give us the recap from Wenesday ASAP! I just saw it last night (been a busy week, tivo has been a godsend) and it has to be the best one they’ve ever had! The only thing better than that show would be to read your recap. (OK, totally sucking up… is it working??)

I can’t believe I am an Evelyn Fan now! You go girl! Manical Elf MAGIC !!!
14

Baxter

Posted October 10, 2008 at 10:26 am

mrsc:
I was just about to write the same thing!!! I loved this episode. This is the first time while watching a reality tv show that I was literally cheering at the television. EV was AWESOME!! I couldn’t stand her before but now I think I’m in love.
15

k37744

Posted October 11, 2008 at 11:59 am

MCSTEENY!!!!! I’ve been out of touch for a while but I missed you dearly and am quite pleased that you’re still ripping the RR/RW challenges apart like an m-f’er.

This season has thrown me for a loop.

Derrick – used to LOATHE the little fella with a passion, but this season I almost feel for the guy…although leaving his pregnant chicka is less than admirable, his maturity may finally have kicked in and he’s not acting like a rabid monkey on PCP. He’ll get his when he’s changing dirty diapers and battling a post-partum mother.

Evelyn – girrrrrl. This season I ADORE her. She’s doing what any self-respecting woman SHOULD do when idiotic men try to intimidate and make stupid decisions for them. I’m rooting for her to the end—-even if it is next week.

Johnny Buhnanas – what a little douche. This teeny tiny Napoleonic fucktard makes me so damn angry. He was almost likable on his season but now?….give me 5 minutes on an island with him and I’d make him ‘enjoy’ a banana his damn self.

Kenny – Bahdabing. Isn’t he like a viewer that was never really on the Real World or Road Rules? Didn’t they give him massive amounts of shit for the size of his nose and his cocky attitude? (Though I’ll give him the bod–tape his mouth and I wouldn’t turn that down). My stars somebody thinks a bit too much of themselves. Luckly Johanna gave him the clap. Fuhgettaboudit.

Keep up the good work McS. (Though it’s “throne” not “thrown” that the little banana was sitting on. You’re allowed gramatical faux pas because you’re flipping brilliant).

Tear ‘the family’ a new a-hole.

xoxoxo
16

McSteeny

Posted October 11, 2008 at 3:55 pm

Hi Guys! I’m away for the long weekend, but promise to get the recap up ASAP… so much to say!