Real World Road Rules Challenge: Do I Have to Like Ev Now?

This week on The Island, Robin gets to taste some pizza, Johnny Bananas gets a taste of his own medicine, and oh look, I think Evelyn wants to play baseball with Johnny’s head…

Fun!

We open at evening while Kenny is drawing a picture of Derrick and Johnny is telling us that there’s not much to do on the island besides attending plays at the “Scallywag Theatre.” Scallywag Theatre? I believe a “scallywag” is a deceitful and unreliable scoundrel. And in that case, the only Scallywag Theatre production I’ve seen so far is The One Man Show, starring Johnny Bananas.

Then the camera cuts to Colie putting on some sort of an odd play where she is on stage lifting someone else’s legs up and down and singing a delightful show tune. Aw, cute. They’re doing, like, trashy theatre. It’s just like when Aubry O’Day came to do Hairspray on Broadway.

Meanwhile all of the challengers watch the trash show and listen intently wishing they could be a part of the big production.

“But I wanted to play Jesus Christ, Pornstar…”

Westward at poolside, Robin and Dan are continuing their dysfunctional relationship, while Johnny and Paula play “maggot sticks.” And not in the way you’d assume a game with that name would be played by Johnny. Or his maggot stick.

One of the maggot sticks happens to land in Ev’s bed, and this angers her. Look out. If there’s one thing I learned from sleepaway softball camp it’s to never disturb a sleeping lesbian. Oh, and to hide your OREOs at all costs.

Ev comes storming out of the house kicking furniture and holding a telescope like a deadly weapon. Ah, femininity at it’s finest. It’s like she’s dripping with lace and chiffon. Johnny tells her to stick the telescope up her ass and follows it up with his favorite expression, “ya dumb bitch.” For the record, this happens to be my least favorite expression. In fact, this expression, coupled with Kenny’s artistic abilities from earlier this episode have actually inspired me to draw a photo of my own. This one’s especially for you, Johnny Bananas. Straight from the paint feature of my computer:

Love, McSteeny

The next day food is of considerable concern as the challengers are getting sick of rice. Oh please. Those little homeless children Annie was roommates with had to eat cold mush, and they still managed stay happy, clean up after themselves, and even sing a little diddy here and there.

Apparently producers are more sympathetic than me, because an airdrop quickly comes to the rescue to provide more eggs. The airdrop fails to include any meat, so Dunbar tells us he’s contemplating suicide. If you’re surveying the room for support or opposition here Dumby Bear, consider me a yay. All those in favor?

Well…I guess that settles it.

You ever see a rabid dog walking around; weak and foaming at the mouth and apparently in a state of psychotic destruction? No? Just me? Okay, well I have, and I can tell you that a rabid animal gets this look on its face that puts you into somewhat of a catch twenty-two of thought. On the one hand you think to yourself: heaven forbid someone should feed this animal and give it the strength to do some real damage… it just might kill someone. But by the same token, you’re thinking: heaven forbid someone not feed this animal, it might to sink further and further into rabid craziness and it just might kill someone. That’s how I feel about whether or not Dunbar should be allowed to eat meat.

The airdrop does include a map, which takes the challengers on a scavenger hunt to collect a bunch of boxes. Johanna leads them by yelling out directions, which they all follow to ultimately find instructions to build the boat, and some rope. Apparently NOT in the box, which might also be useful to these people: a shred of dignity and/or the ability to just get a real effing job already.

Meanwhile Dunbar and the rest of the douchebags ramble on about how the newly dropped eggs are going to be divided up the same way as the meat was- with the guys getting more than the girls. Wait, that is how they’ve been dividing the meat!? I don’t understand. Guys get more food than girls? But Evelyn is twice the size of Cohutta! And that’s not all…

What about the two tiny bald men living in KellyAnne’s bathing suit top!? Don’t the tiny bald men get to eat!?

KellyAnne rejects the idea of “rationing food by gender” by saying that she’s lost an inch in her waist and challenges Dunbar to see how many inches he has lost. Meanwhile Johnny slowly backs out of the room. I know, Johnny. Tape measures. Inches. Sore subject. I’d run and hide too if I were you.

At a loss for an acceptable retort to KellyAnne’s weight loss challenge, Dunbar walks away. And as he does, we can start to hear his psychopathic tendencies brewing in the background. That or it’s that piano tune from Halloween. Whichever. Sitting down with the rest of his crew, Dunbar says, “You know that list of five people you’d kill for free? KellyAnne just made mine.” You know, as opposed to the five people you’d kill for a small fee…

What’s most terrifying to me about Dunbar is not the bone chilling, M. Night Shyamalan inspired commentary that comes out of his mouth, but rather the matter-of-fact manner in which he mentions things like the People I’d Kill For Free List, as if everyone has one. Like it’s the Five Celebrities You’re Allowed to Cheat With list or something. Oh yes, that People I’d Kill For Free list? I keep mine in the cereal pantry. Or is it in the walk-in freezer where I keep my scalpel, and do my best childhood regression? Cereal pantry, serial killing freezer, who can keep storage places straight anymore?

All kidding aside, Dunbar is more terrifying to me every episode. My biggest fear at night is that he’s going to somehow figure out who I am and where I live and add me to his People I’d Rape and Pillage in Exchange for an All You Can Eat Dinner at the Ground Round list.

Pray for me Gasmii.

Meanwhile, Johnny decides that there is a good chance one of the boxes still remaining underground contains some meat, so he hides one of the maps and saves it for himself so that he and Kenny can go hunt for meat later. Then later that night, the two morons go on a midnight hunt for secret meat that they think is buried underground but doesn’t actually exist. I mean honestly, it’s like this recap is writing itself at this point.

When they finally get the secret box open, they discover that it’s filled with nothing but more maps. Kenny tells us it upsets him that there were no ring dings or ho hos in the box, which is confusing, because I’m relatively certain there’s a special little ho ho waiting for him back at his bunk bunk. Anyway, Johnny pulls out his trusty flashlight and studies the map thoroughly, but in the end, the map appears predominantly useless.

“Althoouugh…this explains where that mysterious little g-spot has been hiding….”

Kenny and Dunbar question why Johnny wanted to do this all of this searching on his own, and they suggest they go show the others the secret map. Johnny says fine as long as they don’t blame him, so Kenny and Dunbar show the others. When they show up with the maps, Dantastic questions why they went looking for the new box without telling anyone else. Oooh, Dantastic is on the ball today. Is he going to call them out and bring their devious behavior to light?

Kenny quickly deflects the question by jokingly suggesting that they didn’t want to interrupt Dantastic’s ability to keep drinking. Dantastic responds to this by laughing, and then promptly slurring something incoherent. Strike that last comment about Dantastic being on the ball today.

“Now…might someone please direct me to a wonderful place they call “Moe’s Tavern?”

The next day TJ tells them it’s time to nominate for the Face-off, and everyone is expecting a new twist since there are no new keys to give out. When TJ tells them to carry on with nominations as usual, they look around at each other, collectively shrug, and proceed. It’s like someone at Bunim Murray is paying these people NOT to think.

Anyway, Ev wants to go in, so they throw out a possibility in which Ev would go into the Face-off against two boys. Half the room doesn’t give a shit, most of The Family is happy, because this is what they’ve wanted all along, and Paula responds with a simple “I’ll go with whatever the guys say.” No shit, Paula.

When posed with the possibility of going in against Ev, Tyrie announces that he doesn’t care who he goes in against. Dantastic says he’d rather not go against a girl, but he’ll do whatever. Thanks for the clarity gentlemen. The three Face-off challengers are set.

TJ comes back in the room, finds out who the three face-off competitors are, and then announces that there are some new rules: Because all of the keys have been given out, the winner of the face off will get their key by taking it away from someone who already has one.

This throws the Family into a tizzy. Their plan has backfired. Now the family needs to reconfigure their strategy. Immediately they decide that they need to protect themselves against Ev. So they devise a plan in which they try to convince Ev to take KellyAnne’s key if Ev wins. Are they effing kidding me with this? These two have steel balls so gigantic they’d frighten poor Rosie from The Jetsons out of ever giving a blowjob again. What? It’s just an expression.

While Ev actually appears to take a minute to think this over, Johanna reminds us that this is just a game. Then she calls it a business decision, and says it’s not The Love Boat. Really Johanna? Then how do you explain all that time Kenny’s spent in your poop deck?

Ev talks to KellyAnne about what The Family wants her to do, which is at least honest. KellyAnne says that it hurts that Ev would be considering it, and then adds that The Family is gonna fuck her either way, which I happen to believe is true. That said, I have to say, I think it was very cool of Ev to tell KellyAnne the truth, and also very mature of KellyAnne to respond the way she did. I can’t believe how much I’m liking these two right now. I never thought I’d see the day. It’s like those few episodes of Friends that were filmed between his cracked out drug addict stage and his overeating, God-just-give-me-another-cigarette stage when Matthew Perry almost looked attractive.

Meanwhile Robin and Dan are outside having a talk about how Dan has been distant lately. Considering they’ve been on the island for all of two weeks, “lately” must equate to the last 17 hours. I don’t know if I can even classify what these two do as talking. It’s like they divide the duration of their time together between humping like rabbits and accidentally gleeking alcohol on to each other in fits of senseless anger.

“But I have to go!…Homer said he would be saving me a seat there!”

The next day we see our Face-off. Which his called “Bridge it.” Get it? TJ explains the rules, but I never understand what he’s talking about so I resort to just waiting to watch what everyone is doing and then figure out the rules along the way. Incidentally it’s also how I plan to address an orgy should I ever find myself in such a position.

All three competitors start on one side of a bridge and as they each walk across, they remove one plank. Then they walk back across and do the same until eventually someone either falls in the water or grabs the bridge to secure their balance. God I hate explaining these things. Now I know what TJ sucks at it so much.

They each remove planks right next to each other until eventually Dan misjudges a jump and falls in the water. So Dan’s out. Then Tyrie leaves himself a huge jump, puts his arms up like he’s instructing yoga or something, runs up to the jump, and then chickens out and then grabs the bridge for support. He’s out too. Ev wins.

Okay, tree posture everyone, and then back down into child’s pose. Good.”

On top of winning a sound system, Ev gets pizza and she gets to pick two people to eat it with her. Not surprisingly, she picks KellyAnne. Left with no other real friends to pick from, she cuts a deal with Robin to let Robin eat the pizza if Robin promises to let Ev touch her boobs later, and to eat the pizza in a manner that would attempt to turn Ev on.

“Done and Done.”

Meanwhile, Ev talks to Johnny and Kenny and very bluntly tells them that she is not going to get rid of KellyAnne. You have to give it to her, she is nothing if not honest and direct in this game. Realizing they don’t have much room for negotiation here, Kenny and Johnny suggest that Ev take Jenn’s key. Ev pretends to agree and then goes to tell Jenn what they said to her so that Jenn will no longer be on their side. So shady! I love it.

Cut to commercial and we come back to the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Tyrie and Dan are up to plead there cases. Dan is up first and he gives a moving speech including poetic phrases such as “I want to stay,” and “I don’t want to leave.” Brilliant. That said, kudos to the kid for being able to stand up there and complete a sentence. Baby steps Dantastic.

Tyrie is up next and he says that he wants the money and he wants to take keys from the people who still have them. Inspiring. Next time I might suggest putting the barrel of the gun directly against your head before you pull the trigger.

Time to vote, and basically everyone sends Tyrie home except for Jenn. Robin gives what I believe was supposed to be a romantic speech about Dantastic and how much he means to her, but all I got out of it was “Danimal,” and “I’m insane.” Awesome. These two should get married if for no other reason than to reproduce and give Britney’s children someone they can relate to.

Tyrie goes home, and then TJ calls Ev down and says he wants to know what’s going through her head. Uh… that might be a bit too deep of a hole to delve into Teej. Let’s just stick with who she’s taking the key from m’kay? Ev proceeds to name Johanna, Kenny, Johnny, Paula and Dunbar as an alliance who have walked around bullying people on the island since they got here. Then, just for good measure she adds “fuck you and fuck your alliance,” and then she takes Johnny’s key. LOVES IT!!

The look on Johnny’s face is priceless. The look on Derrick’s face is priceless. Kenny’s face… you see where I’m going with this. These are legitimately some of the best faces I’ve seen since KellyAnne watched Tyrie do downward facing dog during Bridge It.

And there’s just no face that’s gonna beat that one…

We close with a string of Johnny Bananas’ clichés, because hell, at a time like this, no single cliché would really suffice. So look out Ev. You may be high on my list right now, but as Johnny Bananas will tell you, “you reap what you sow.” “You awoke the sleeping dragon.” “You made your bed and now…” Oh Johnny Bananas we get it. Enough of the pot calling the kettle black. Perhaps it’s time you took a moment to take some of your own advice. Ya dumb bitch.

Until next week Gasmii…