Oh Gasmii, this recap is unfairly late; and I fear it gets worse: it’s going to be a little bit bad. Sadly, in the world of the outer-gasm, I have a very unrewarding job that takes up entirely too much of my time, stresses me out a great deal, and get this: doesn’t even permit me to curse or make fun of people. I spend most of the day looking like this:
But I promise to come back next week with a more McSteeny-like recap. In the meantime, take a couple days to hate me, while you catch up on last week’s episode, after the jump…We open at night on the beach, with Johnny saying that Ev’s move last week (stealing his key) was ballsy as shit, but premature. Then Johnny starts looking into the camera and talking shit to Ev. I hate when reality TV people do this. Who are you trash-talking? The camera man? Ev’s right inside hand washing her lucky visor and counting her chest hairs. Go on in and talk to her directly.
Meanwhile, Cohutta and KellyAnne are by the pool talking intimately, but nevertheless claiming that they are just friends. Oh yes, friends. I know those benefits well. Cohutta tells us that he and KellyAnne are the only two people he knows who can go to bed together and not have sex. Where Cohutta lives they apparently don’t have married people.
Then KellyAnne tells us basically the same story: she cares about Cohutta, but they are better off as friends. I don’t really understand the problem with these two. There are only a few reasons a woman would say that a guy is “better off as my friend.” Either he’s ugly, he’s terrible in bed, or he’s told her he’s gay. And even the gay thing we’re willing to be flexible about during desperate dry spells.
Now we know Cohutta hasn’t told KellyAnne he’s gay because he’s southern. And while I normally don’t make sweeping generalizations, it has to be said that southerners never admit they are gay. They’d much rather just repress their gayness until they become angry and self-loathing, all the while overcompensating by acting like macho douche bags.
Anyway, except for Lance Bass (who I maintain only came out after living in Orlando and then LA for half of his life) southerners have serious gay denial. They can’t help it. It’s in their nature. Like Italians and their sick obsession with Rocky movies. I’m sorry, I did it again there, didn’t I?
So that rules out gay, which only leaves ugly or bad in bed. And I love Cohutta dearly; he’s one of my favorite Real World cast members, but my dear Gasmii, Cohutta is not ugly.
The next day Dan is up to his old drunken tricks again. The intoxicated move of the week for this week is hitting people in the head with cardboard and suplexing people WWF style. This is being done much to Ryan’s delight.
I can’t imagine why….
Dan is sort of like a zoo animal that little kids ooh and ahh at while they eat their good humor bars and do the pee pee dance. It should be noted, by the way, that I myself would be that vicious little scoundrel just to the left of the little kid eating the good humor bar, who’s pouring her bottled water out slowly onto the pavement, just to watch the little guys predicament get even more difficult.
The next day Ev is strategizing about how she can win the game, and she decides that the only way to do it is to start an alliance of her own. She determines that she, Jenn, KellyAnne, Cohutta and Colie are already united. This leaves Derrick, Robin and Dan in the middle. Dan is basically useless, so Ev decides that Derrick and Robin are the keys to victory. Cue Operation Capture Robin and Derrick; a four step mission.
Ev heads over to Robin. (Step one of Operation Capture: Go for the paranoid ones first). Ev carries on about how the other alliance has already been fully formed, and no one else is going to get in. (Step 2: make your victim feel alienated and in a zone of danger at all times). Then Ev claims that Robin’s only chance of winning is to join Ev’s alliance. (Step 3: Offer your lonely and now terrified victim a friendly hand). Then Ev adds that Robin should not be worried about being betrayed, because they would rather go out trying to bring the other alliance down than lower themselves to bow down to such backstabbing specimens. (Step 4: Undermine your victim’s trust in everyone around her, while simultaneously promising your own loyalty).
Robin nods encouragingly during most of Ev’s speech, the way Jessica Simpson does during interviews when she doesn’t understand the question, and figures that nodding and accentuating your exposed boobies is always the best answer.
“Um…, no comment?”
Despite the nodding, Robin responds to Ev in a sufficiently vague manner and says she doesn’t think she wants to team up with anyone at all. She just wants to play by herself. Amen Robin! Speak on it, girl! Why leave in the hands of others that which can be accomplished with a glass of wine and your own two fingers. Oh, wait, she said play BY herself. My fault. Carry on…
Meanwhile Johnny is talking to Derrick about sports analogies and saying how the sports teams that are hated most are the ones that always win. This, claims Johnny, is why The Family is hated so much; because they are so good at the game. What you do not account for in your analogy, Johnny my dear, is that professional athletes are rich and famous and talented and get paid millions of dollars, while you walk around in a hideous bandana like a big shot, when we all know that if CT or Brad were on the Island you’d either have gone home already or be pissing yourself in the corner praying you make it one more day. And that, is why people don’t like you. Do Derek Jeter a sold and leave the Yankees out of it.
Johnny tells Derrick that he wants Derrick on his team because wants to keep a majority vote. Then he adds some nonsense about how he’s not stealing a key, he’s reclaiming what’s his, and that he is the island’s first victim of “key theft.” My dear lord, how long to I have to continue listening to this crap?
After a commercial we see more crabs, and then Cohutta tells us that he wants to go into the face-off because he deserves a shot. He also adds that he doesn’t want to lie, because he has integrity. He wants to win, but he doesn’t want to win being a lying sack of crap. Oh Cohutta you’re such a good, honest, and decent person. What is the hell are you doing on this island with all these lowlifes?
Meanwhile Robin and Dantastic are talking about how Dan wakes up every morning not knowing what he did the night before. So far, I don’t see an issue. Dan gets a sad little lost puppy look on his face and then tell us that there are three issues between him and Robin. I’m assuming by “between me and Robin” he meant effecting both him and Robin together, because if by “between me and Robin” he meant the total number of issues existing amongst him and Robin combined, then I fear that three would be shooting a bit low.
The three issues between Dan and Robin are : 1. Being cuddle buddies 2. Friends; and 3. Flirtation. Thanks for sharing Dan. Now can you explain how any one of these would be classified as an “issue”? Oh and by flirtation, you do mean laughing and smiling at each other while you hump, correct?
Anyway, it doesn’t matter what the issues are between he and Robin, what matters is that Robin is good for him, because she is a “speaking post” for Dan. Yes, that’s right, you heard him correctly, Robin is his “speaking post.” Not his “sounding board,” not even his “whipping post,” but rather his “speaking post.” I have no idea what this means, but I’m relatively certain that Robin now has some obligation to prepare Dantastic a Big Mac and large fries.
The main problem caused by Dan’s drinking, (according to Dan), is that he’s “hurting all the people around him with it.” It’s actually really sad what is happening to Dan, but as a self-proclaimed doctor, I have to say that medically speaking, the bigger problem the drinking is causing might be cirrhosis of the liver. Just a hunch.
Robin gives him a pep talk and says not to hate himself or beat himself up about it. They agree that from here on out he will remain Sober Dan. Good luck with that.
Later that day, Ev has moved on to schmoozing Derrick because his reputation is “untouchably steadfast.” Um, okay. Ev gives her pitch, which includes her classic “whichever team you’re on will win” line, but alas I’m afraid the Sucker Fish are not biting today.
Back to Robin and Dan who our night vision cameras tell us are making out, I mean, um, “flirting.” Dan is drunk (so much for Sober Dan), and they clearly fooled around, but according to Robin nothing happened. Then Robin goes down and tells a bunch of people that Dan had a limp dick. Oh Robin! You’re supposed to be a veteran at this game! You should know that you never tell the group that the guy you’re hooking up with has a limp dick. It’s just poor form. Instead you just THREATEN him that you’ll tell the group about Mr. Softie, and then blackmail him into doing everything in his power to insure that you win the money in the end. God, do I have to teach these people everything?
Now, as the phrase goes, there are two sides to every story, and when Dan finds out from Ryan that Robin told everyone he couldn’t get hard, Dan’s side of the story becomes, “we had sex, and I was just trying to protect the delicate young lady from earning a less than classy reputation.” Oh Dantastic, honey, that’s very sweet of you, but we’re about 75 go-go dances past “classy reputation” with Robin at this point. Be realistic and just try to keep her reputation down to The Kind of Girl That Won’t Give You Ghonorrhea. I think she’d settle for that.
Meanwhile Ryan tries to make Dan feel better by saying, “Oh that happens to me all the time, don’t worry about it.” LOL! If I might quote Rachel Green for a moment, let me just say, “It’s not okay, it doesn’t happen to everyone, and it is a big deal!”
Dan goes to find Robin to confront her, calls her a lying piece of shit, and then calls her out for having sex with him. Then they have one of their incoherent belligerent fights where neither one of them have any idea what they are talking about, but they continue to look at each other and make noise anyway. Like two 10 month olds in a playpen together. I say treat them accordingly. Just let them do their thing, and check on them every 30 minutes to wipe off the drool and make sure neither one of them have somehow suffocated themselves.
Johanna steps into the middle of the fight to ask Dan to “please not talk to Robin in a derogatory manner.” Yeah, please don’t do that, Dan. Do what Johanna does and keep your battles with Robin to respectable content such as fighting over who gave Kenny better head. That’s much more diplomatic.
Dan continues his tirade, tells Robin she was his “buddy” and then tells Robin that she is dead to him. While Robin blankly stares, contemplating which of the two Dans that she is seeing to bitch slap first, the rest of group boos and hisses, and then they all chant “take-it-back, take-it-back!” Hey! Since when to the cast members get to have as much fun mocking the drunk people as we do!?
The next day Robin tells us that she doesn’t want people in her life that cause her to fight, and that she and Dan are too similar, plus he reminds he of her ex, so they need to just stay away from each other. Spoken like a true woman who knows a guy is bad for her, but will keep going back to him anyway. Audrina Partridge would be proud.
Meanwhile, I have to say that earlier in this show Robin made it appoint to mention that she just likes regular Dan. And that she would rather remove the drunk crazy guy that everyone else wants to watch. Now all things being considered, after removing the Drunk Crazy Dan parts what would kind of Dan would be left besides an angry ex military man who can’t bang you? Oh, I know!….
The airdrop comes next and it brings more pieces of the boat, and Cohutta and Derrick start to bond. Derrick starts saying what a great guy Cohutta is, and how much he likes him, and that they really are getting along well. Fuck, Cohutta is done. Being showered with good guy compliments is like the kiss of death on this show.
TJ comes in the next morning to kick off the nominations. Cohutta and Johnny both volunteer and then Derrick does too, which is sort of surprising since he already has a key. Then we find out that Derrick and Johnny conspired and decided that Derrick being in the face-off somehow helps Johnny. The only way that plan would work would be for Derrick to throw the face-off, and give Johnny one less person to have to battle against. Because if Cohutta wins, no one would keep Johnny on the island over Derrick. But Derrick wouldn’t throw a mission, right?
The next day is the face-off, which is called Rat in a Cage. The players are locked in a cage, and have to untie some rope and other materials, grab four colored keys which unlock their respective color-coded locks and then they have to free themselves from their cages.
We commence and minutes into the face-off Derrick puts the wrong colored key into his lock. Now it strikes me that Derrick is definitely throwing this face-off. I call shenanigans! Sadly, one of Cohutta’s keys falls through the cage and it’s clear that the face-off is over. Johnny wins, escapes from his cage and does an annoying victory dance. Kill me.
The next day KellyAnne and Johnny are sitting at the table and Johnny is helping KellyAnne learn how to filet a fish. They both tell us that they have been getting along better lately. KellyAnne goes to tell Ev that Johnny has started being nice and apologized to her, and Ev claims that Johnny is full of shit, doesn’t regret anything that he does and that KellyAnne is naÃ¯ve if she believe Johnny. Well. Tell us how you really feel, Ev.
Typically I would totally agree with Ev here, but there is a very clear rule that Johnny Bananas tends to live by, and that is that he always tells the truth to the camera. He’ll lie to anyone’s face, but when the time comes for the camera to be on him, he almost always gives the viewers the real deal. Usually because he thinks his deceptive strategies are so great and he hopes that the viewers will think he’s smart if they know he’s being manipulative, but whatever. He still tells the truth. He told the camera about finding the maps, he told the camera that despite what he told Ev he’d never back her up, and told the camera about the deal with Derrick in the face-off. You know the expression “the camera never lies”? It’s as if Johnny feels like he owes the camera that same decency.
Anyway, not once during this episode did I hear him tell the camera that he doesn’t like KellyAnne. In fact, he told the camera that he doesn’t want to fight with her, and that he realizes that he’s been mean to her. Color me a momentary optimist Gasmii, but I think he actually felt bad for a minute there, and resorted back to the Johnny we all used to know and like.
You’re still a dumb bitch though. You realize that, right?
The next day it’s time for Derrick and Cohutta to plead their cases. Man, this is gonna be tough to watch. Cohutta just doesn’t stand a chance. Who could send Derrick home? No one. Derrick is up first and mentions having a wife and his baby on the way, so they could use the money. Aw fuck, the poor man and the baby card? Somebody start wheeling Cohutta’s suitcase over to the airport van.
Cohutta gives a very dignified and heartwarming speech about what a terrific guy Derrick is and that he “caint say a bad thing about the man.” Needless to say everyone except KellyAnne picks Cohutta to go home. Poor Cohutta. It’s not right what they did to you. And I thought Anne Hathaway got dealt a bad hand.
Next it’s Bananas time to decide whose key to steal, and he says something odd about friends being called alliances and alliances being called friends. Then he follows it up with that ridiculous speech about Evelyn again: how there are balls there, but no brains there, and now there is no key there. Meanwhile everyone is looking around wondering where this “there” place is that he keeps talking about.
Ev comes to give him her key, and then it’s time for Cohutta to say goodbye. Everyone wishes him a farewell, and KellyAnne gives him a sort of so-so hug, but I think maybe she was just trying to be strong. Cohutta leaves us with a final adorable note about KellyAnne. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen with us. And I hate to see her go… but I love to watch her walk away.”
Oh scarecrow, I think I’ll miss you most of all….