This week on The Island, Ryan gets a key, Johanna gets a new name, and Johnny continues to make me feel…
I don’t know, kinda “icky.”
We open at night and the conversation of the evening is about Johnny and Kenny’s asses. Johnny is telling the group that his ass is higher and tighter than Kenny’s, and that Kenny’s ass is “loose and weird.” High and tight, loose and weird. Whatever, you’re both dicks. Why are we splitting hairs here? And I would be doing my former favorite joke a disservice if I failed to add: your mother’s loose and weird. Seriously I used to run that mother joke like it was my job. It was my very own “That’s What She Said.” Ah to be young and offensive again. Well, at least offensive.
Anyway, this little ass convo inspires Kenny, Johnny and Dan to strip down, compare asses and have the nicest ass winner selected. With none other than Ryan being the final judge. Tim Gunn, eat your heart out. It’s just your basic run of the mill ass-off, if you will. You know, like on South Park when Paris Hilton and Mr. Slave had a whore-off. Only in this case, no one engulfs a pineapple with their vagina. At least not on screen anyway.
Meanwhile Jen makes a face of disgust as Johnny tells Ryan not to look inside his butt crack, because he hasn’t wiped in a while. And there goes the gag reflex. Wow, Gag Relfex, I haven’t seen you since that night in college with the 40s of Eight Ball, and that frat brother named Moose. I’ve missed ya buddy. Good to have ya back.
I don’t think I could possibly be any less attracted to a person than I am to Johnny. Seriously, he’s managed to succeed to number one on my list of the most unattractive men in America. Former holder of the top seed:
Anyway I didn’t think that guy from Ghost would ever be usurped, but I was proven wrong this past weekend when I had a dream in which there was some crazy natural disaster that demolished most of the earth. And the only three surviving species were myself, Johnny Bananas and this gigantic elephant that was badly injured. Somehow we all wound up lumped together. And almost instinctively the elephant got up and started collecting what little fruit was left on the trees. Like the elephant knew that it was up to us to help the world continue on. And then God looked down from the heavens and said, “McSteeny, it’s up to you. The only way for life to carry on is for you reproduce.” And I looked at Johnny who had a huge smile on his face. And I shook my head, dreading my fate. But then I looked at the elephant, who was still hard at work, fighting off his injuries and sacrificing for the sake of the future. I didn’t like it, but I knew what I had to do. So I looked up at God and said, “Okay fine, but if you need me to do it, you’re gonna have to send down a ladder and some KY.”
Somehow Ryan decides that Johnny has the best ass, followed by Kenny. Dantastic’s ass, Ryan tells us, leaves something to be desired. Something, like, say, Pepto Bismol? The next day Dunbar, Kenny and Johnny are talking about how Johanna told them that Jen has been running her mouth trying to campaign against The Family. I knew it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. Anyway, it’s decided that Jen needs to go. They find Ryan and tell him that they will agree to send him into the face-off if he promises to take Jen’s key if he wins. Get serious gentlemen. Ryan and Jen are besties. Have you not seen Will and Grace? The gays are nothing if not loyal to their hags.
Meanwhile Dunbar is pissed off because he doesn’t like how Ryan is just like the girls and makes his decisions based on made up friendships that he’s formed with people within just a few weeks of meeting them on this island. Yes, Dunbar, because your alliances are based on much more important things than that. Like chauvinistic bonds and who else agrees that “No,” sometimes means “harder.”
Kenny needs to get Johanna a key. But Colie wants one too, and Kenny tells us he can’t create miracles. Yes, I noticed that when you tried that whole gray hoodie with nothing under it but a gold chain ensemble a few weeks back. Tragic. Meanwhile, every episode Kenny reminds me more and more of Simon Rex’s character “Mikey” from that show Jack and Jill that was on for a while. Every time he comes on screen it’s like you can smell the aroma of a fading career.
Johanna says she has been waiting patiently for her chance to win a key, and Ryan calls her out for having said that she just wants to get to the end and have a key handed to her, which Johanna denies. So MTV does that beautiful thing where they run the tape back and show her saying she’s waiting for someone to hand a key to her. I love how MTV can make people look like idiots like that. Although in some of these people’s cases, just letting the tape play regularly in current time works just as well.
“Hey, sweet tits, hows about you come up here and suck on the ‘ol brashol.”
The next day we have an airdrop that includes toilet paper, meat, boat pieces, and a video camera. Dantastic is very excited about the video camera because now they “finally have a way that they can record how pathetic they look.” Um, yeah, because all of the MTV cameramen standing around doing nothing have really been struggling in that area. Shhh, Dantastic, shhh. Night-night time.
The next fifteen minutes of show are about how Colie and Johanna do nothing, mixed in with a dab of how Dunbar hates Colie and Colie hates Dunbar, and Ryan hates Dunbar, and how Kenny thinks that Dunbar’s a big fat pussy, because he’s scared that Colie will win the face-off and take his key.
Er, not that there’s anything wrong with big fat pussies, or anything…
Meanwhile Ryan toys with the idea of telling Kenny and Johnny that he will steal Jen’s key in the face-off only to turn around and backstab them by taking the key from Dunbar instead. 1: LOVES IT! 2: It’ll never happen. Have you not seen Will and Grace? The gays are nothing if not terrified of meathead psychopaths. They’re fickle that way.
After an unbearable amount of bickering over who gets to go into the face-off, and who has and has not earned their key, we’re left with one final and very important question as posed by Colie: How long have Dunbar and Johnny Bananas been sleeping together? Sadly, I think the answer is the same as one of life’s other great mysteries…
The world may never know…
TJ comes to let the team know it’s time for nominations, and on his way out he adds, “By the way, you dip shits need to do less drinking, bitching and having sex, and do more boat building. We only have three days of filming left and if you think I’m staying on this island forced to jerk off to KellyAnne for one more day than I have to, I can assure you that ya’ll are sorely mistaken.” I’m paraphrasing here.
In response to TJ’s warning, the boys head over to their boat and start getting to work. The girls and Ev start working on a boat of their own. This frustrates the boys who say annoying fatherly things like, “Just sit there and be patient, and when we’re done over here, then we’ll come over there and take care of your boat for you.” Yeah, thanks guys. But if the island needed a dad, I’m pretty sure they would have asked Timmy back this season.
Paula says she thinks it’s dumb to let girls put the boat together, because girls should just braid hair and just listen the guys. Ew. Speak for yourself, Bruisy Susie. Now go away before you cough your Battered Wife Syndrome on me.
Now listen, I’m really not the feminist type at all, but that comment annoyed me a little. Just like I found it a little irritating when Johnny started saying that girls should be washing dishes. Not so much because it’s chauvinistic, but more so because I don’t know that anyone should be taking cleaning advice from a man who can’t manage to wipe his ass effectively.
“Does anyone else smell poop?”
More fighting between Johnny and Colie ensues. Colie wants to be guaranteed a key, and Johnny is all, “It’s not my job to get a key for everyone.” And Colie is all, “Don’t talk to me like that Johnny,’ and Johnny’s all, “Ya dumb bitch,” and then Colie finally gets up and walks away.
Back at their bunks Colie Johanna and Ryan, are all on the bed talking about how annoying Johnny is, and then Colie starts calming herself down by repeating in her head the same line that ever since that dream I mentioned, I use to put myself to sleep at night: “Johnny Bananas doesn’t matter in real life, Johnny Bananas doesn’t matter in real life.” Sing on, my friend. Incidentally, I took the same approach with the boogie man when I was seven. Works like a charm.
When Colie is done meditating, she, Ryan and Johanna say a silent prayer together, which I actually found rather entertaining. Even if Colie’s voice does make me want to pull my own arms off and beat myself unconscious with it.
“If she sings halleluiah one more time I’m out of here.”
The face-off is next, and it’s called Timber. Basically, you have to hold tree trunks up with two ropes for as long as possible. Whoever holds the trunks up longest wins. Colie goes out first, then Johanna so Ryan wins. Later that night Colie and Johanna are talking about how they will be so sad to leave each other because they are best friends on the island. I don’t know when this happened, but I am assuming it was right around the same time as people started referring to Johanna as Joey.
Anyway, Ryan, Jen, Colie, Johanna and KellyAnne sit around that night and have a great chat about how it’s Dunbar’s world and we all just live in it. Then the take the game even further and go around the room talking about how Dunbar created man and meat and protein, and Dunbar is the reason Ryan’s parents got together. I find this so funny that I replay it on my DVR four times just to laugh harder and harder. Then I go check my shower to make sure Dunbar’s not waiting in there to stab me. For free.
Time for the losers to plead their cases, and Colie oddly tells everyone to send her home because she is the team manager and Johanna has better chance of getting a key next time. I’m not real sure where her team manager role comes into place, but then again she made some odd comment a few weeks ago about how if Derrick wasn’t married he would be her lover. So I’ve generally chalked most of Colie’s dialogue up to the fact that she’s popping hallucinogens on the regular.
Then they cut to Derrick who is so funny and cute. I just love him. Anyway someone off camera asks if it has to be either Johanna or Colie on the boat with him who would he keep. He didn’t say so, but deep down I know what he was thinking:
umm..can I keep the giant injured elephant instead?
Finally it’s time for the big showdown where we discover whose key Ryan will take. He starts talking about how he’s in it for himself, and you start to wonder if he will go against The Family, or worse yet, take n’s key. In the end he steals KellyAnne’s key instead. Which actually made me kinda sad, cause I’ve taken a liking to that little skanklet.
We close with our “bombshell” that we’ve been waiting all week for. Turns out the remaining players who don’t have keys (KellyAnne, Ev, Johanna Dantastic, and Robin) will all get to go into the next face-off for the chance to steal the final key. Which means The Family is exposed because there will be no opportunity for retaliation. Which Ev is just thrilled about.
“You’re mine now, lover…”
More importantly to us though, Gasmii, it means next week’s our finale! Can you even believe it’s here already!?
Until then Gasmii….