This week on The Island Ev proves she’s not really a lesbian, Paula gets screwed (and not in the way she likes) and Johnny Bananas takes home some cash.
Turns out karma doesn’t give a shit…
We open and nerves are high. I know this because everyone is visibly nervous. See how that works? That’s why I’m here Gasmii. For deductive reasoning purposes. Well, that and to insinuate that straight people are actually gay, gay people are actually straight, and the rest of the world are a bunch of sluts. I serve many many purposes here at the ‘gasm.
Meanwhile, everyone is convinced that Ev is going to win the face-off. It makes everyone on the island start acting like a promiscuous 18-year-old standing in front of a pregnancy test. They all have that look on their faces like they’re promising that they’ll never have sex again if they just catch a break this one time.
I’ll just give BJ’s from now on, I promise.
Out on the back patio, Johnny is dining on prime aged rice in a lovely nothing-sauce reduction, while Derrick tries to convince him that Evelyn won’t take his key if she wins. Johnny says there’s no way in hell Johnny is safe from Evelyn’s wrath. Well if there one man who would know the goings on of hell, it’s you, Mr. Bananas. Johnny reminds us that Ev is stupid and all about her pride. Yes that silly, silly pride. Pride and that pesky self-respect. Johnny walks away, frustrated that all the weak, insecure pushover girls were cast into The Hills.
Meanwhile, Dunbar is up in Ev’s room talking about how relieved he is that the alliance nonsense is finally done. Now he can finally just talk to whoever he wants to, without worrying about the game or The Family. As if to suggest that if not for the threat of Johnny and Kenny, chatting up Ev would have fallen high on Dunbar’s list of things to do when he wasn’t stealing food from girls’ mouths and scaring the bejesus out of me.
Despite the fact that it’s so transparent, it truly is terrifying how manipulative Dunbar will try to be. I bet when the cops ultimately arrest him for assault and battery and search his pockets, they find tons of puppet strings. Not to mention the decapitated puppets.
The Evelyn Ass Kissing List is very long today. It’s like she needs to have one of those number dispenser thingies they have at the deli in the supermarket. Kenny appears to be up next. Kenny tells Ev all about how he has respect for her as a player and wants her on his team. Sniff. What’s that scent you’re wearing Kenny? Is that Eu de Damage Control? It’s quite lovely.
Ev says that before she agrees not to take Johnny’s key he is going to have to prove that he can work with her. And by “work with her,” I suspect she means work for her. Which means that if Johnny has any chance, he better be damn good at bringing Ev cups of coffee, and typing up fan letters to K.D. Lang.
Kenny goes to tell Johnny that he better start groveling. Johnny’s concerned about being nice to Ev, because he’s afraid that even if he is nice and begs for forgiveness, she may turn around and take his key anyway. I find it very ironic that Johnny Bananas is suddenly concerned about looking the fool on television. It’s like Lindsey Lohan suddenly concerning herself with professionalism. Or lunch.
“Nothing thanks. I had a red bull yesterday.”
Cut to commercial and now The Family is talking to Dan about how they want Dan to win so they can keep The Family intact. Dan tells us as long as he’s given the chance to unleash “what he’s got inside of him,” he’ll murder everyone. What’s this about murdering people? Perhaps this suggests that what he’s got inside of him is a nine millimeter glock? Jump right in to that pool of delirium, young Daniel. The water is warm.
Trying to dodge the flying vodka flavored saliva, Derrick tells Dan he has to not drink for the next few days so that he can be useful at the face-off. Dan, apparently confused, responds that without food and water he can still make it. Wait, food and water? Weren’t we talking about jesus juice a minute ago? When did we start talking about the bare essentials of life? Then Dan adds that he has the power to turn his brain off. Turning his brain on, on the other hand, seems to present more of a challenge.
Honest to God, I don’t mean this offensively, but I sincerely wonder how often people who briefly find themselves in Dan’s presence continue throughout the day assuming he was a retarded person. Homeboy really has a problem.
The face-off is next. Dan, KellyAnne, Ev and Johanna are up. The task is to hold on to a weight and jump into deep water. All you have to do is repeatedly touch the bottom of the ocean floor and come back up to the surface for air without dropping the weight or dying. Sounds easy enough. Except that the ocean floor happens to be the one thing KellyAnne is afraid of. Well, besides sitting like a lady.
“What’s that smell? Did the Army deliver fish?”
Dan is also a bit concerned, because in addition to the fact that the face-off does not include chugging shots or completing pile drivers, drowning is one of Dan’s biggest paranoia. His other paranoia: therapists and the need to walk a straight line.
They all jump in, and immediately Dan has dropped his weight. Well. So much for unleashing the inner beast. I’m assuming he did NOT spend the last two days refraining from “food and water.” KellyAnne goes out second and then eventually Johanna. Ev celebrates her victory with a grunt. Query to those two crazy Canadians: How has Ev not been turned into a Southpark character yet? Butters deserves a bodyguard doesn’t he?
Later that night, Dunbar approaches Ev to push the ass kissing into fifth gear. He continues to try to persuade her to keep him around. Then they sit in silence, and the room achieves a level of awkwardness that can only be achieved when two pre-teen cousins kiss, and shamefully don’t know the right way to handle it.
“Uh… should we ask Grandpa Joe?”
Ev agrees that she does want her boat to include Kenny and Derrick, but she just doesn’t trust Johnny. She fears he could sabotage her and keep Paula in his boat instead. Forget about replacing Ev with Paula, I wouldn’t put it past Johnny to bring Ev on the boat strictly to row, and then drown her before they reached dry land.
Suddenly Johnny Bananas shows up and is trying to sincerely apologize to Ev. But it’s just oh so convenient timing, is it not? He says that he hopes she didn’t think he was only picking on her (Sure he was). Then he adds that he’s tried to ease up on her lately (No, no, he has NOT!). And then finally he says that he would never do anything to jeopardize Ev or her lifestyle. WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!? What did I miss here? When did he do anything to suggest that he might put her lifestyle in jeopardy? Did he steal her strap-on at some point and MTV edited out?
Johnny tells us confessional-style that he feels bad about attacking her on a personal level. There he goes again with the personal level talk. God dammit MTV, if someone was attacking someone personally, then I wanna see it! You think I’m here just to watch Ashli’s ass grow? I’m telling you right now, somebody better bring this up at the reunion show. And it better not be drunk Dan, or KellyAnne with all that hooting and hollering they show her doing in the scenes from the next episode. I want somebody coherent.
Johnny tells Ev that from the bottom of his heart, he apologizes for any heartache he’s caused her. Okay, now he just sounds like a boyfriend who got caught cheating. And she appears to be buying it! I can barely watch this.
Decision making time, and this time it’s the key holders’ turn to do some pleading. Jen loves Ev, Dunbar has always felt she was a good competitor, Robin, well Robin cries. Again. And Derrick thinks Ev is just top notch. Good grief, get on with it already; I think the McDreamy/Grey romance plot line just passed us.
“No, but I mean, do you like me like me?”
Ev’s big speech is basically a process of elimination. Ryan, Robin and Jen have always been there for her, so Ev could never take a key from them. Robin is so happy about this that she cries. Ev tells us she thought being in a power position would be fun, but it’s not. I always knew she was a bottom bitch.
Derrick, Kenny and Ev won a challenge together once so she has a bond with them too. And she has made her peace with Paula. Whatever that includes. Spare me the details. That leaves just Johnny and Dunbar. Wow, MTV, this is just, so…unexpected.
Ev tells us that Johnny’s been a dick to her the entire time he’s been there, but she doesn’t know Dunbar that well so she might as well go with the scumbag. Because at least with a blatant scumbag you know what you’re getting. Interesting rationale. Seems to have worked wonders for Anne Hathaway.
Ev takes Dunbar’s key, and TJ tells the 8 remaining finalists to choose their boats. Derrick, Johnny Ev and Kenny give each other the eye, as if to suggest the four of them are a team, and immediately Paula is pissed off. She starts yelling things at Kenny, but I couldn’t make them out.
Speak up, it’s hard to understand a person when they have the exhaust pipe of a $75,000 bus in their mouth.
Johnny is thrilled with the results and says, “boys and girls” it’s never to late to lose your evil ways.” As if we’re all students at some sort of possessed reform school. Save it for the chubbies at Fat Camp, Bananas.
TJ tells Paula that since she got dicked over he’ll go ahead and let her decide which color boat she wants. So that this way, when she loses, at least she can go down wearing a shirt that best brings out her eyes. Paula chooses the blue boat. Ah, the color of sadness. Nice use of symbolism, blondie.
Johnny and the “boys” get started with their boat because the red boat is not as well constructed as the blue boat is. Meanwhile Paula and the “girls” earn the assistance of Dunbar, who walks around making suggestions. When the “girls” boat is finished they do a little hand cheer reminding themselves that none of them have ever won a challenge before. Very encouraging. You four and the Chicago Cubs should get together and take on finding a cure for cancer. All hands in for the losing streak!
The next day the teams awake to an airdrop of the remaining boat pieces and the instructions say that they’ll have to rely on teamwork and loyalty to win this challenge. Uh-oh. I think perhaps this airdrop was intended for a different set of coordinates.
Johnny and the “boys” are in the water first, but Dunbar is helping the blue team. So they quickly catch up. Meanwhile, Kenny starts feeling really bad about the whole, throwing Paula under the bus thing. No worries Ken. I’m sure there’s an opening at the Johnny Bananas Satanic reform school. Use your extra $75,000 to enroll.
Johnny makes a wrong move in the “boys’ boat” and almost capsizes it. Both teams are struggling, but MTV is careful not to let us see exactly how far apart the boats are yet. One: because they want to keep the suspense level up and two: because if they show both boats right now, we might notice that Jen has actually hopped out of the blue boat and is attempting to push it the rest of the way. And if we saw that little gem, we might question why MTV didn’t just assign Paula the boat that came in a splendid shade of PitifulAndStupid. It’s the new black, by the way.
Finally we see that Johnny and the red team are approaching land and are way ahead of the “girls.” TJ welcomes them with a big smile, and the four of them open the chest to reveal their giant check. Johnny is so happy he kisses Ev on the lips. I pause to briefly barf. Ev pretends to hate it, but very obviously loved every second of it. The same way my boyfriend acts when I get us tickets to see Broadway shows.
“No..stop…I’m not enjoying this at all….”
Derrick tells us he’s thrilled to have won because now he can go home as a husband and a father, and use his $75,000 to provide for his family for a long time. It’s fantastic that Derrick is so happy, but saddening that he apparently intends to raise his child on cloth diapers and three square meals of duck sauce on cheerios. Now I’m starting to get depressed.
Johnny says that other than losing his virginity this is one of the happiest days of his life. Kenny says this is one of the sweetest but saltiest victories ever. I go ahead and pretend that Johnny’s lost virginity and one of Kenny’s past salty victories are not somehow related.
Then, like our dear friend Paula, I decide that at a time like this, there’s not much else to do but go sit in an empty box and cry.
I feel ya, sweet pea. If you need me, I’ll be in my recycling closet
What did you think of this season Gasmii? I had a blast, and would love to hear your thoughts!
Kisses and more,