Hello, Gasmi and welcome to season 4,325 of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! Yes, our favorite (hi, Issac!) and not so favorite (DUNBAR) cast members are back and ready to fight, backstab and bitch their way to $300,000.
This time, we’re down in New Zealand, which looks very pretty but very, very cold. Paula interviews that after the last challenge, she had to get surgery…..to get the knife out of her back! Hey-yo, watch out Conan, Paula Walnuts is on your tail in the comedy department.
Brad fell in love with Tori (um, who?) on the last challenge, and they are now engaged and on the show together. Because nothing is better for a relationship then a reality show, right?
As they come onto camera one by one, we see the standard challenge peeps: Evan, Big Easy, Robin Big Boobs McGee, Ruthie, etc. The only people who we’re missing from this list of usual suspects is Coral and the Miz, who are thankfully absent.
TJ gathers the cast and welcomes us back in his standard monotonous tone. He also explains the rules, which are run-of-the-mill challenge fare, just substitute “The Duel” for “The Inferno.” Basically, there’s no teams, everyone will complete in the challenge, and a female and male winner will be crowned. They will pick one person to save, who then picks someone of the opposite sex, and they keep going until there is one last male and one last female left. Like every fat kid’s nightmare in gym class.
The last two remaining are going into the Duel, and then they get to pick the person of the same sex that they want to compete against in the Duel, as long as its not the challenge winners, who are safe. Whew. You still with me?
Evan says the duel his the coolest thing he’s ever seen. Since he’s from Canada, I’ll let it slide. He then gives some cheesy quote about how they will be “amongst the clouds, playing with the gods.” Take it easy Canada, you’re not curing cancer.
We then cut to the opening credits, and it might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Everybody is chanting in some tribal language while doing Judo moves. Its supposed to make them look tough, but Big Easy looks like a possessed vampire, and more of the True Blood kind then Twilight, and Mark and his veneers look like a cracked-out version of Dane Cook.
After the dumbest 30 seconds of my life, they all run into the house, which is of course amazing….too bad it will be riddled with STDs in just a few days. For some reason, they get gift bags that include adult footie pajamas. Um, ok?
Shauvon, looking like a century-old German bar wench, talks about everyone being muscular, and they do a close-up on this guy:
On their first night, they engage in an intelligent debate about how to effectively fix the economy without creating a financial burden on future generations to come. Kidding, they crack the bottles and get sloppy drunk.
Ryan, Davis and Brooke jump in the hot tub and make out with each other. I have no idea who Ryan is, but he’s hot and shirtless and I’m totally okay with it.
Diem and CT are back…..blah. Please just go away. Both of you. She talks about CT being a douche (surprise) and ending their relationship. She makes it into a “I’m a woman hear me roar” story, but I’m not buying it from how she’s hanging all over him.
Robin reports of hearing some bed springs creak, then pinpoints Chauvon. And CT! ruh roh. Dang, in true CT douchebaggery fashion, he’s screwing things up in his first five minutes on the show. Last time he punched Davis in the face, now he’s banging nasty Chauvon. Too bad you can’t get sent home for banging skank. I am thus renaming CT to DB for douchebag, which I find much more descriptive and relevant then whatever C and T stand for.
More drunken hijinks and douchebaggery ensues. It’s Kim “go to Blackville” from Hollywood’s birthday and they celebrate with a costume party. Did they pack them? Or did some trusty and dependable PA think a trunkful of random costumes would be a wise carry-on? If so, they deserve a raise.
Adam: “How turned on are you right now?”
Diem has already heard about the Chauvon/DB rumors, and since she’s TOTALLY over DB and focused on her career, she doesn’t care at all. Actually, she’s asking everybody in the room what they’ve heard. She confronts Katie in the bathroom, who dishes the dirt. Diem is crushed and can’t believe that DB would do this. Hello, have you met him before? Or seen one minute of ANY season he’s been in?
DB, being a total douchebag, directs his anger at the right person–Adam. Because lord knows it can’t be his fault for being a man-whore that will stick it anywhere moist. DB thinks that Adam told Diem about the hook-up, when really, he said nothing. DB gets all in Adam’s face and spreads his peacock feathers. Adam doesn’t back down and shows his own damn feathers but its hard to take him seriously when he’s wearing a printed onesie with feet.
There’s alot of pushing, and then shock of all shock, DB socks him in the face. I guess he missed the lesson in kindergarten about using your words and not your fists. Note to DB: this is getting old. You did this on the last challenge. I would think $100K would be more important then your anger, but what do I know, I’m just a poor, unpaid blogger.
“Say my Riot shirt is cooler then your onesie before I EAT YOUR FACE, PUNK!”
Adam: “I’ll never say it, NEVER!”
CT: “I’ma kill you sucker!
Brett Michaels: “If I sing “Every Rose” will you all calm down?”
Adam: “Ohhhh, I should never had said that adult footie pajamas were better then ironic T-shirts! What was I thinking?”
It takes 6 of the guys (well, 7 since we should probably count Big Easy twice) to hold DB back. It does look like Adam got a few shots in since DB’s face looks pretty bloody. Out on the patio, Evan, in a leotard, is trying to hold back Adam, who’s onsie has fallen around his ankles. Yes, you read that sentence right.
Even with every male on set–production and cast–trying to hold DB back, he still manages to break free and get a few more punches in. He is obviously on steroids. Diem cries to the camera and tells us it her fault, because after all, she did MAKE DB have sex with Chauvon. This, my friends, is the mentality of a battered woman.
Shauvon is now changing her story–rather then smirkingly telling everyone they can think whatever they want, she’s now deny, deny, deny. Way to give blondes a bad name, hon.
After finally getting the two separated, DB and Adam are in separate vans, and are getting sent home.
The next day, Paula Walnuts and Evan scheme and make an alliance to protect each other. Did she not learn anything from the last challenge where she got totally fucked by her alliance?
On to our first challenge! But first, TJ needs to tell us who the two new replacement cast members are. Shit. The new cast members are “Muja Star” MJ (I feel like a douche just typing that, not sure how he could go around calling himself that) and “I Kissed Beth” Nehemiah.
The only person excited to see MJ is…..MJ.
Our first challenge is a rugby match called Last Man Standing. Guys will compete against each other and so will the girls. To make the teams even, one member of each sex has to sit out, and they’ll be safe for the next duel.
In order to keep things fair, the guys all assign themselves a number. They then ask the ladies to name a number, and that’s the person who gets to sit out. The girls quickly catch on and do the same thing, resulting in Paula and B-rad sitting out and are saved for the duel. Go Brad!
The “ladies” are first. I hope Chauvon doesn’t pop an implant, I hear that’s pretty painful. Rachel scores a point and nothing else very interesting happens.
It’s the guys turn, and it quickly gets pretty rough. I’m afraid Mark’s knees are going to go out. MJ scores.
Phase 2 is too complicated to write, but they keep going until there’s one person left who is the winner. Robin and Ruthie are the last 2 remaining. The remaining girls take Ruthie down and Robin wins.
The guys go next. Brad gets his pick of which of the 6 guys from the winning team he wants to take out first. Brad is deciding between Nick and MJ, then goes for Nick. They pick off Ryan next. Mark is taken down next (be careful of his hip, he just got it replaced!) Big Easy is down like a rhino with a blow dart. Evan and MJ are the last players, and the group takes out MJ and Evan is crowned the winner.
Now starts the wierd picking thing. The captains pick a member of the opposite sex to save, then the person whom they pick does the same thing, and on and on. MJ pleads his case to Robin.
Cut your hair and take the stupid bandana off and then maybe we can talk.
Robin and Evan talk about who they are going to save, and the only highlight is Evan calling her a fool. Mark, Brad and Evan are in Evan’s alliance and he wants to protect them. For some reason, he gives in and MJ is the first one saved.
Evan: “Wow, you really are dumber then I thought Robin. I mean, I was expecting you to be pretty stupid, but….damn.”
They keep picking until the final two are left: Ryan and Chauvon. They then to get pick who they want to go against in the Duel. PLEASE pick Diem, Chauvon. Ryan picks Nick, hee hee. Chauvon picks Anissa. What? Why not skinny little Kim or wimpy Brooke? But, this is the same girl who messed around with DB, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say logic is not her strong point.
Chauvon and Ryan each pick out a card that will signify the game they will be dueling to. The girls are doing some game called Back Off, while the guys are doing something called the Elevator. The Elevator is a race to hoist yourself up using some complication contraption. Basically, it looks really hard. Nick has a broken hand, which is super for this challenge. But he’s keeping up with Ryan. Halfway up they are both straining but Ryan ends up pulling through and winning. Nick is upset and is also going home. To be honest, so am I, I kinda liked him.
Chauvon is dressed like a stoned eskimo. Their game, Back off, requires you to retrieve the hook from your opponent’s back and then hang it on some ring. Chauon has the lbs but Anissa has the anger so its anyone’s game. The challenge starts, and right away Anissa has Chauvon’s face in the snow, but they throw up the dreaded “To Be Continued”. But guess who we see in the previews for the rest of the season–Anissa.
Well, what did you guys think? The previews for the upcoming season promises plenty of backstabbing and conniving, which I whole-heartedly endorse in my reality TV! Who do you want to see make it to the end?