The Ruins: It’s A Wes Thing

Welcome back my Real Worlding and Road Ruling Gasmii! Here’s this week’s recap: Twenty eight cast members from previous seasons of the Real World and Road Rules contaminate Phuket, Thailand and compete in the newest Real World/Road Rules Challenge/Clusterfuck. Landon is not one of the cast members. The End.

Seriously, MTV. I’m far too old to be watching this crap and would appreciate a little eye candy. Shauvon’s boobs can keep me interested for only so long and from the sneak peek of things to come, I don’t think they’re long for this world. So sit back, get your spreadsheet to keep track of who gave chlamydia to whom, and enjoy.

So here’s how it goes down: There are two teams of fourteen each made up of seven guys and seven girls. The two teams are the Champions — cast members who have won previous challenges — and the Challengers — cast members who have never won a challenge but who may have appeared on the show. It’s nice to know that MTV feels no pressure to come up with creative team names.

Before we get started, you need to know who the players are. Here’s your cheat sheet — which may be really more for me than anyone else because, is it just me, or do all of these kids look the same? Let’s meet the Challengers first:

Chet is from the Real World Brooklyn which none of you watched. He likes purple and thinks of himself as the strong and silent type. I think he’s half right.

Sarah is also from Real World Brooklyn and you don’t know her either.

Dunbar is back and single. After the Duel, he broke up with his girlfriend, broke up with Kimberly, went through a round of antibiotics and decided he needed another challenge.

Holy crap, I dislike Diem. I know I’m supposed to be supportive because she’s a cancer survivor but I can’t take her fruit loopy, we shall overcome bullshit. She walks into the Ruins and says all she can see is a massive area where things are going to go down ugly. And CT is her ex-boyfriend so you know she knows about going down ugly.

Last time we saw Adam, he was sent home from the Duel 2 for getting into a fight with CT. While wearing pajamas. Adam says it was the biggest mistake of his life. Here’s a tip kids: Nothing you do on a reality competition show is the biggest anything in your life. Trust me.

Shauvon has bleached blonde hair, enormous boobs and and IQ of twelve as demonstrated by her choice to have sex in the bushes with CT on the last challenge. She claims that the girly-girl thing is just an image and that she’s going to kick butt. I doubt it.

Brad is back but without Tori so I may be able to tolerate him this time around. Maybe. After all the drama at the Duel 2, he says he and Tori are great back home.

I forget which season of what Danny was on but I remember him annoying the crap out of me with his bubblehead girlfriend who is now his wife. Mercifully, she’s not on the show.

Danny is kind enough to give us a break down of one chlamydia chain and it goes something like this: Wes was engaged to Johanna but he’s now dating Kellyanne. Kellyanne used to date Cohutta. Johanna hooked up with Kenny on a previous challenge which pissed the shit out of Wes. And now they’re all on The Ruins together.

Kellyanne thinks that being on The Ruins with Wes can both help and hurt her because they’re a threat and they’re cocky. Exactly what part of this helps her? She’s hot though. I’ll give her that.

Cohutta has a foreign accent so I can’t understand him. He hasn’t spoken to Kellyanne much but thinks she’s much better suited for Wes since she eats tree bark and Cohutta eats fried chicken. I have nothing more to add.

Brianna from Real World Hollywood — another season you didn’t watch — is pretending she knows what’s going on. It’s like she showed up an hour late for the movie but she’s telling you exactly what’s going to happen. She’s on my shit list.

I’ve never seen Nick before but he wears an earring so he’s cool.

Last we saw Kimberly she was yammering away in her Southern accent about hooking up with Dunbar. Her mere presence on the screen puts me to sleep. She’s going to have to make out with a girl if I’m going to have anything to write about her.

Finally, our last annoying blonde on the Challengers is Casey and she’s not excited about the challenges or competing and would rather just stay in the house and party. Well, my dear, you’ve picked an excellent show to be on.

And now let’s check out the Champions:

Veronica, who hasn’t been around in awhile, feels like a born-again rookie which is nice for her since she couldn’t possibly be a born-again anything else.

Syrus is back and he’s a 47-year old lizard.

Kenny won the Duel 2 using nothing but charm and charisma. Um, no. He says he can’t leave the house without people asking him if he and Johanna are still together. I find it hard to believe that anyone cares. Johanna is quick to let us know that she and Kenny are just good friends.

After much consideration, Wes decided he should join The Ruins because it was an opportunity to be with two of the most important girls in his life, his hated enemy and the ex-boyfriends of his girls.

Susie is another annoying blonde with a squeaky voice. I’m having a hard time telling them apart. Except for Shauvon – she’s the one with the boobs. Susie thinks that if the Champions get caught up in the drama, they’re going to have a problem. I think that if Susie gets caught up in any sort of competition, she’s going to have a problem.

Evelyn is back and I think, I think, she may have had some plastic surgery in the off season.

Ugh, Evan. I want nothing more than to watch Cohutta or Chet send this guy home. Except maybe watching Wes punch him in the head. It’s such a tough call. Since I don’t have the joy of posting gratuitous photos of Landon looking awesome, I will post gratuitous photos of Evan looking un-awesome.

How do I say this politely? Is Ibis a real former cast member? Or is she Robin in black face?

Johanna is back and is the center of the love triangle-triangle among Kenny and Wes and Kellyanne and Cohutta.

Ms. Cocky-for-No-Reason-At-All, Katie, has returned and is recently engaged. I’m hoping she’s still completely insane. Because that’s more fun. She decided to come to the Ruins to win some money because that’s the best way to start a marriage. That or love. Whatever.

Derrick has a newborn son at home but decided to travel halfway around the world to get drunk and chest-bump Evan. He won the Inferno and the Island and is looking to go three for three.

Darrell has never lost one of these things. A dubious honor at best. I think he may be the closest thing we have to eye candy this time around but I’m not ready to commit just yet.

Everyone’s favorite drunk is back. Welcome home, Tonya. She lives in Walla Walla, Washington and is separated from her significant other. I thought she was married so most people would call that a ‘husband’ but Tonya isn’t most people. She says that she’s gone through some things in the past year that make her slightly unstable and hopes she can keep it together. I hope she can’t.

TJ Lavin welcomes the teams to Phuket, Thailand and puts down the bong long enough to explain how The Ruins is going to work. Each of the first nine challenges are worth $20K each for a total of $180K and the final challenge is worth $120K. When a team wins a challenge, instead of banking the money in the winning team’s bank account, the money is going to be divided up among the remaining players and be placed in their personal bank accounts.

Before each challenge, each team will nominate three of their guys and three of their girls for the possibility of elimination in The Ruins. After the challenge, the six nominees from the winning team will get to decide which guy from each team and which girl from each team will compete in The Ruins and the loser goes home. Of course, the loser can’t go home with cash in their pocket, so all of the money in the loser’s personal bank account is transferred to the bank account of the person who beat them in The Ruins.

Then we get the theme song and credits and watch each cast member put on their tough face and do tough things like ride elephants, sit in kayaks, walk up stairs or stand in a ring. I guess it’s better than the choreographed war dance from the Duel 2.

The group walks into their house, the beauty and grandeur of which none of them deserve. Fortunately, MTV came up with an awesome twist forcing the Challenger Girls to share one room, the Challenger Boys to share another and the Champions to share the third. It’s a hard knock life indeed.

Wes is a little bent out of shape because of the Kenny/Evan/Johnny situation — or as I like to call them, The Brain Trust. Wes is scared of them because they’re good friends back home and they have strength in numbers. I think they also have a little strength in strength but I don’t want to worry Wes too much. Evan thinks he’s a punk.

Evan invites everyone to the pool to “unball sweat” which is probably of more concern to him than anyone else. Although “un-underboob sweat” may be a good idea for Shauvon.

Nick is at the pool commenting about how sexy the women are but I see no sexy here. In fact, some of them are so sexy, he can hardly look at them without catching a boner. There are so many things wrong with this comment but the most serious thing is this:

And since it is the first night, Tonya is hammered and naked. Par for the course. Derrick thinks being a sloppy drunk puts a target on her back. I think it equals FUN.

Susie calls Tonya the Mayor of Crazytown which I feel very strongly she should credit to the person who originally said it. I don’t know who that is but I know for certain it wasn’t Susie. She says that Tonya’s behavior is both concerning and hilarious.

Johanna and Wes sit down to chat and she says that she doesn’t want there to be an on-going fight between him and Kenny. May I point out that Wes is seriously jacked and there would be no “on-going” but just two hits. Wes hitting Kenny and Kenny hitting the floor.

Evan shows up to spread sunshine and love. He is all pissy because he had been asking Wes over and over if he was going to be on the Ruins and Wes insisted that he wasn’t. You know, if Wes had any sort of honor he would have just ignored Evan. Right.

Wes thinks that, one-on-one, everyone is afraid of him because he is stronger and smarter than each of them. He wants to talk to Kenny but every time Wes sees him, his stomach drops because he’s the guy who ruined his chances of ever being friends with Johanna. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that Wes is a total douche.

So they all get together in a room just oozing testosterone, presumably to talk but it doesn’t really look that way.

Wes opens with “that’s the ugliest fucking hat I’ve ever seen” which is a non-starter. To be fair, he’s right. Then Wes gets all bent out of shape that Kenny didn’t apologize.

Kellyanne and Wes are hanging around the pool complaining about how much the situation sucks. Oh, you mean the situation that you volunteered for? Excuse me while I get out my hankie. If they can get through this with their exes here and with everyone hating them, then they can get through anything.

Wes claims that they are people he can’t sleep with (I really don’t think so) and that he wants to hang out with Kellyanne. Remember – she sleeps with the Challenger Girls and he sleeps with the rest of the Champions. So he decides to make his own apartment downstairs. Which won’t make everyone hate him more.

The Brain Trust minus Evan plus Darrell are scheming about what to do with Wes. Darrell claims that Wes can’t fuck him in hand to hand combat and can’t fuck him on the ground but can only fuck him in the air. And there is no part of that I want to see.

The Champs hold a team meeting to figure out how they’re going to handle nominations. Everyone wants to vote as a team. Everyone, that is, except Wes. Because everyone hates him. So Wes suggests they pick out of a hat and now I’m calling him Wus.

Wus claims that hat-picking is the fairest way. I might respect him if he just admitted that he didn’t want a team vote because he knows he would go in every single time. Veronica shares that Wus has a small penis and that’s why he pulls this shit. I believe her.

Back on the Challenger side and Diem has claimed holier than thou status. She says that everyone is looking at her and asking her what to do and how they should decide who to nominate. She gives them this gem: “You want to make sure that you play the game and not let it play you.”

Rumer decides to nominate herself because it’s all about the team. And if they play as a team, they’ll win challenges. Not necessarily, my friend.

Boobs doesn’t know what anyone thinks of her because everyone is so friendly to your face but talking behind your back.

Diem keeps talking in circles and Kellyanne agrees with her nonsense. Would it be possible to send two people from the same team home in one challenge? If so, I nominate these two.

Wus explains his strategy to Kellyanne — if his team plays the right way, Wus will try hard and the Champs will win. But if the guys gang up on him, he’ll throw the missions. At that point, assuming the Challengers win, they get to decide who from the Champs is going into the Ruins and they wouldn’t pick Wus because they want Wus to hang around and continue throwing missions. Get it?

Darrell, Veronica, Derrick, Tonya and Fat Asian are playing cards and drinking. Fat Asian starts making fun of Tonya’s hometown of Walla Walla which Tonya takes way too personally. She threatens to wrestle Fat Asian which would be awesome. The two of them are so hammered that they can’t slur out two sentences in a row but Fat Asian calls Tonya a Walla Walla Wombat and Tonya loses it.

Wombat is crying and freaking out and Syrus and Adam try to talk her off the ledge. They suggest that she grow a thicker skin. And soon. She thinks she’s dealing with the stress by drinking but if she has the distraction of the competition she’ll avoid the booze. Not. A. Chance.

We finally hear from Johnny Bananas who announces that they have a clue on the TMobile Sidekick. I love how these kids don’t even pretend that they’re not fed these lines anymore. The clue asks ‘who is the weakest link in your chain’ and reminds them to wear their bathing suits.

Then we get some comments from the peanut gallery — how Adam wants to get the first one under his belt and keep the momentum going and how Diem loves challenges and loves to compete and loves to push herself to the limit. I would love for her to go home.

Fat Asian and Wus are having a heart to heart and she suggests that he work with the rest of the team. But Wus is using Brad and Danny to make sure the Challengers know that he’s going to throw the challenges and is going to be the best teammate to the Challengers, even though he’s wearing a different color. Bottom line is that either they pick out of a hat, or Wus is going to tackle the rest of the Champs to lose the challenge.

Fat Asian tells the rest of the Champs that Wus is going to throw missions but they call him a coward and dismiss him. They decide they can win with or without him.

We switch back to the Challenger meeting where they’re still deciding who goes in and Danny tells them all that Wus is going to throw challenges every time.

Speaking of challenges, let’s have one, shall we? First, TJ repeats the rules of the game. Second, Chet repeats TJ’s repetition of the rules of the game. I like this because it just means less for me to recap and I can grab a beer. Or two.

On the Challenger side, Boobs decides to nominate herself. She claims some sort of strategy but I don’t buy it.

The rest they decide by secret ballot. Brianna has the honor of announcing the chosen six and introduces each of the girls as “my girl” even though she met all of them for the first time yesterday. So it’s Diem, Rumer and Boobs for the girls, and Chet, Cohutta and Nick for the boys.

On the Champion side, Wombat nominates herself. She thinks that once she steps up and does well on the challenges, no one on her team can come back and bite her in the ass. What would one have to do with the other?

Darrell and Kenny nominate themselves and Evan suggests to Wus that he nominate himself so they can “work towards a better tomorrow.” Hey Ev! If you want a better tomorrow, maybe you should volunteer. Wus wants to pick names out of a hat but everyone else wants a vote. Wus says that he’s going to throw the challenge if they nominate him.

Derrick and Johnny think they’re going to appeal to the competitor hidden somewhere beneath all the red and freckles and tell Wus to step up and prove himself. Wus wants to be a pussy and enjoys the fact that they’re all scared shitless of him. So it’s Kenny, Darrell and Wus for the Champion Boys and Johanna, Susie and Wombat for the Champion Girls.

The challenge is Chain Gang. There’s a giant rope leading up to a platform suspended thirty feet above a lake. The entire team has to hang from the rope on clips and the person on the bottom has to climb to the top, over the rest of the team, jump to the platform and ring a gong so the next person can go. If someone unclips before their turn, every person below the premature unclipper is disqualified. The team with the most players on the platform wins. If there’s a tie, the fastest time wins.

And then Cohutta repeats everything that TJ just said. And I go get a beer. Or two.

The Challengers are up and Casey is the first climber. You’ll remember her from her work in “I Don’t Like Challenges.” She gets to the platform but can’t get from Dunbar — the top of the chain — up through to the platform so she falls in the water.

And the climb continues. Diem feels a lot of pressure to do well because she has a leadership position on this team. Nick says that he stepped on Diem’s face a few times because you have to do what you have to do. Go Nick!

Everyone climbs up and it’s down to Boobs and Dunbar. Boobs is trying to haul her ass up and over but it’s pointless. Even Dunbar can’t pull her up. He makes an executive decision and cuts her loose.

So twelve of the fourteen Challengers make it to the platform and it’s the Champions turn. They’re all figuring out what to do about Wus. Kenny suggests putting him in between himself and Evan so they can kick him in the face until he falls off.

They decide to put Wus on the bottom, right below Ibis. Then they have Ibis unclip herself early so both Ibis and Wus are disqualified. At that point, every other player has to get to the platform and they have to do it faster than the Challengers. Wus thinks it will be easy to throw the challenge. He plans to shake the shit out of the rope so someone else falls off. Which would be genius. Except. They’re. All. Clipped. On.

Fortunately, his plan fails, Ibis unclips, and the two of them are disqualified and all he can do is hope someone else falls. The rest of the Champions climb up and it’s uneventful until we get to Katie’s turn.

But it’s a fake out and she makes it to the platform without incident. Since each team platformed twelve players, it all comes down to the fastest time. The Champions finished in 23:44 and the Challengers finished in 30:12. The Champions win $20K to be split among the fourteen players and some sort of iPod DJ portable mixing thing. Oh, and the satisfaction of fucking up Wus’ attempt to fuck up.

And in case you forgot, TJ tells us that the six Champion nominees get to select one guy and one girl from each team to go into the Ruins. Let the real games begin.

Darrell decides he wants to send Wus home and figures the easiest way to do it is to pick on his girlfriend, piss him off and take a hit.

They’re all down at the pool and Darrell talks shit about Kellyanne. Kellyanne decides to defend herself by listing the actual number of guys in the house she fucked. Two of the guys she dated and one was an accident so it’s totally okay. And she’s not a slut. Really.

Darrell tops it off by telling her to “shut up, bitch” and when Wus asks why Darrell would call her a bitch, he says “because she looks like you.” Love you, Darrell. Apparently, he also makes a comment about not being able to turn a ho’ into a housewife but I didn’t hear it. Finally, Darrell asks Wus to walk behind the house, away from the cameras and handle it like men. And they’re off.

We get a couple of pretty decent Evanisms — everyone has fun at the dance until someone takes a big turd in the punch bowl, and if you throw a grenade, you should expect it to explode — but I still hate him.

Then all hell breaks loose. And we know it’s bad because boom mics are in the shot.

At one point, Kellyanne is screaming for everyone to let Wus go and Wus yells “If my girl says let me go, then let me go!” Don’t you just love a girl that encourages her man to fight? By the way, Wus is trying to get outside but keeps opening the wrong door.

There’s a lot of yelling and shoving but somehow the fight ends and Darrell promises to beat up Wus once the cameras are off. Dammit.

Adam, Nick and Cohutta are figuring out who the Champions are going to send in. Adam says something about psychological freedom (which confuses Cohutta) and Nick thinks he’s literally a sitting duck. Except that he’s not, literally, a sitting duck. Am I the only one who hates that?

Adam says the greatest feeling is going in and beating someone except I have no idea how he would know what that feels like. The he and Cohutta do math and Nick’s head spins.

TJ meets with the Champion nominees (Wus, Darrell, Johanna, Wombat, Susie and Kenny) and tells them, yet again, to pick one guy and one girl from each team to go into the Ruins. TJ could probably cut his work week down to about fifteen minutes if MTV didn’t force him to repeat himself six times.

Wombat nominates herself to prove that she’s not just a drunken mess. She chooses to go against Diem. Her theory is that if she goes in and wins, then her team can’t say she’s not a good competitor. Except she’s going up against Diem who sucks.

Wus volunteers himself but everyone knows he was going in anyway. Susie mans up and tells Wus that even though they agreed that the person going into the Ruins should be able to pick their opponent, Wus threw the mission and doesn’t deserve the courtesy. Wombat disagrees and even Kenny allows Wus to choose.

Wus decides that Nick might be a decent match so he doesn’t want to go against him. He also decides not to pick Cohutta because what kind of guy would he be if he steals someone’s girlfriend and then challenges him (especially when the guy is forty pounds lighter). Because Wus is clearly concerned about playing fair. So he chooses Chet.

Susie thinks they should go with Chet regardless of what Wus wants and Johanna thinks they should pick Nick. Kenny sums it up: Nick’s a donut and Cohutta’s a dwarf so Chet is pretty much the best option to take out Wus.

TJ comes back and reads the names off the board: Wombat and Diem, and Wus and Chet. He’s so talented.

Wus is really sad because these guys used to be his best friends and Johanna used to be his fiance. He can’t even tell us how much it hurts.

Wus runs over to Boobs to tell her that Diem is the one going in. She’s excited to have the chance to fail at next week’s challenge! Then he goes to Chet spewing some crap about not being his friend but just trying to be cool. Six months from now, he wants Chet to be able to look back and say that Wus was cool and being on level. Because this moment is ever going to register as something to look back on.

Chet tells Wus that he’s not scared to go in and he’s going to do his damnedest to beat Wus. He’s got more fight that we think.

Chet decides that he’s going to be known as the Bow Tie Killah — because purple bowties are pretty threatening — and he’s going to go in there and destroy Wes. Again I say, no you won’t.

Evan and Kenny are talking and Kenny thinks that BTK is their best chance for getting Wus out. I really think Kenny is talking about someone else.

Brad tells Diem that if she can visualize a win, she’ll win. Diem tells him she’s a yeller and responds better if they all yell at her. So that’s why she dated CT. And then she gives her speech on how she wants to be an example for her team.

It’s the night before the Ruins and, since she’s awake, Wombat is hammered. She starts swinging at Evan and cursing like a truck driver. She leaves the room because she can’t sleep with all of the insults, seeks refuge with BTK and tells him that she gets drunk and inappropriate.

But Wombat is undeterred. She is convinced she can pull it together and come back. Since she can’t even walk down a flight of stairs without assistance, I think that’s unlikely.

The boys decide to wrestle downstairs — right next to Wus’ apartment. He has a big day tomorrow and everyone is being loud so he can’t sleep. Finally, he hauls his bedding and his girlfriend upstairs. High fives all around.

Darrell and Johnny are convincing BTK that he has a shot in hell of beating Wus. Bottom line – if it’s climbing, BTK thinks he’s pretty quick but if it’s an arm wrestle, he’s screwed.

Kellyanne tells Wus she’s excited for the Ruins. He asks if it turns her on. I have a feeling Kellyanne turns on like a light switch. Kellyanne says that if Wus wins, she’ll be excited to spend more time with him but if he loses, she might have more friends. Wouldn’t you love to hear that from the woman you love?

Rumer thinks that everyone underestimates BTK and that he’s a lot stronger than they all think. Evan is hoping he’s Clark Kent and can come through like Superman.

Johanna decides to wish Wus good luck even though he’s an asshole. Wus wants her to separate the game relationship from the personal one. So Johanna says “fuck you” but that he shouldn’t take it personally. Nice.

We’re at the Ruins and it’s Shoots and Ladders. They have to grab bamboo poles while attached to bungee cords, build a ladder using the poles as rungs, climb to the top and ring the gong.

The boys are up first. Wus’ plan is to go fast. Genius. BTK is just super-excited that everyone on his team is wearing purple which is his favorite color.

When Kenny says that Chet might have a chance of beating Wus, I’m sure it means he doesn’t. Through the magic of editing, we’re led to believe this was a close race but I doubt it. Ok – to be fair, there are a few shots where it definitely looks close. But ultimately, Wus wins the damn thing but there shall be no fist pump. Sir Wus likes to win as though he’s done it before. Whatever that means. Needless to say, no one other than Kellyanne is happy that Wus won.

See ya later, Chet. And the girls are up. Wombat is nervous but you’d have to kill her before she’d quit. If you insist. I love how Diem puts on her mean game face. Like anyone is going to be intimidated by a 98-pound weakling wearing feathers in her hair and ‘visualizing’ her win.

They start and no one has much faith that Wombat can pull herself together and pull off a win. Following her earlier instructions, Diem’s entire team yells at her. She responds by yelling back at them to SHUT UP. Where’s your zen, little lady?

So despite the fact that Diem isn’t going to let herself lose and despite the fact that the girls on her team won’t have anyone to look up to anymore, Diem loses.

Diem leaves and is proud of herself for not crying. Not on camera anyway. I’ll bet the water works started as soon as she walked out of the Ruins.

Later, Danny and Wus are talking about future strategy. Wus claims he doesn’t want to screw them for the sake of screwing them but to get them to play fair. He just wanted to threaten them but they called his bluff so he had to call theirs.

Sorry I subjected you to a shot of Wus in bed.

The rest of the Champions are talking about Wus, and Katie wants everyone to be nicer to him. Kenny doesn’t want to give in because then Wus wins. Evan wants to put him into the Ruins every single time.

Wus knows, that even though the rest of the team got lucky and his plan didn’t work this time, it’s going to work next time and the time after that. Again, he’s teaching them about teamwork but I’m not sure that Wus fully understands the concept.

So there it is Gasmii – week one of MTV’s latest train wreck. Is it possible that the only person I like — out of twenty eight — is Darrell? Maybe Syrus, maybe Cohutta and maybe Rumer but I think that’s it. Personally, I’m just looking forward to Boob’s popped implant and the guy who gets his clock cleaned. Who the heck is that? Derrick?

Until next week,
TinyElvis.