Recap: Inferno: Giraffic Park Feet Markgate

by Unablogger

**Editor’s Note: As you guys know, LCon’s back has him out of the game for the Summer, so we are trying out some new writers. Check out this recap from Unablogger and tell us what you think!

If the Real World is a microcosm of America (which I don’t actually believe but roll with me), then the crux of tonight’s episode shows the divide America faces. We have a battle of epic (not really) proportions. Susie vs. Jen, red vs. blue, a Christian vs. a slut (I’m being harsh), old timer vs. newcomer, natural vs. fake, Real World vs. Road Rules. Forget all those Presidential debates that have been happening all week. This is what I really care about: which stupid girl can win an Inferno.We open as usual in the giant house that these people get to live in, which is probably a pleasant break from their tiny studio apartments located right above Saddleranch on the Sunset Strip (if there is one thing being on the Real World trains you for it’s riding mechanical bulls). Susie and Cara sit doing what they do best, gossiping and talking about how much they love each other.  Susie is complaining to Cara about how she has to go to the inferno again.  You know what Susie? If you keep complaining about going then stop talking how tough you are in testimonials.  I’ve decided that these two have a highly creepy co-dependent relationship with each other.  We’ve already seen Cara intentionally screw up before so Susie can get the life shield and I begin to wonder if they act this way in real life.  For example let’s say Susie is worried that her quarterly report isn’t up to snuff so Cara decides to make her quarterly report extra crappy to take the heat off Susie (yes in this fantasy Susie and Cara wear matching pants suits and work on their reports in neighboring cubicles).  Back to the show. Cara proves her co-dependency saying how her and Susie will cross the finish line together.

I’m totally confident.

Meanwhile in another part of the house one of the great meeting of minds is happening as Jen and Derrick sit and discuss the US situation in Iraq.  Derick thinks they should go with a Federal system and divide it up into 3 states (Sunni, Shia, and Kurds).  Jen however thinks the UN should take charge of the whole situation and open up talks with Iraq’s neighbors such as Iran.  Then I realized I had changed the channel to the GOP debates and quickly turned back to MTV.  Instead, Jen and Derick are talking about how much it sucks that Jen has to go in the Inferno again.  She proceeds to call all the girls on the other team “bitches” (which is ridiculous, they have to vote a girl in why not call the producers bitches) and cusses a bunch.  Jen brags about how she earned her spot by beating 2 other girls, of course she neglects to mention how she cheated her way through that first inferno.

Quickly I’d like to complain about one thing to Bunim/Murry productions.  The inferno/gauntlet/battle of sexes have started to spend too much time about people talking about the game.  I really want these shows to be 10 minutes of challenge and 20 minutes of people getting drunk, making out, and yelling at each other.

Anyway it’s finally challenge time and we get the obligatory shot of the gang getting a text about the challenge on their mobile device and no i will not help MTV with their plugs and name this device.  We see Ace do a stupid dance in excitement, usually i like ace but this dance was too much for even me. 

This dance reminded me that I have no upper body strength.

Fast forward to everyone arriving at the site of Challenge.  Hey TJ nice green shirt, i see you’re all set for the St. Patrick’s day party you’re hosting after the show.  TJ tells us the challenge is called Giraffic Park, meanwhile I’m at home beating up my couch at how stupid this pun is.  Way to make a timely pun MTV since Jurassic Park only came out 14 years ago.  They should have taken my suggestions of more topical puns such as Pirates of the Girafabean, Spider-Giraffe 3, Giraffic 4: Rise of the Giraffe Surfer, and 28 Giraffes Later.  For the challenge there are 15 covered cages each with a carved Giraffe, you have to look at your giraffe, run across a lake and find the matching giraffe.  The matching one has a key to open the cage.  Team with the fastest cumulative time wins.  Everyone has a 30 minute time limit and this challenge appears to be one of the few with a practical time limit where it seems like everyone will finish.  Also fastest person gets a scooter which i swear was a prize 2 weeks ago.


And your prize is…(drumroll) Leftovers!


For some reason all the girls have to wear bikinis for this challenge which doesn’t seem like the best way to keep the boobs in place when you’re running across the lake to get a wooden giraffe but i guess MTV has to up the t&a quotient some how.  First up is Alton and Janelle. 

Shake that healthy butt!

Now let me tell you NOTHING is more exciting than listening to Alton’s riveting commentary about trying to locate the proper Giraffe.  You might think watching paint dry would be more thrilling but no, this is way better.  Anyway Alton shows us he finally sucks at something (guys got perfect abs but can’t match a giraffe to save his life) and DQ’s.  How he manages to DQ is beyond me, didn’t anyone ever play any sort of matching games a kid?  Ace who clearly feels inadequate to Alton takes pleasure in seeing the guy fail at something (nice team spirit ace).

Next up is Cara.  Remember what i was saying earlier?  Well Cara decides to fuck up the quarterly report/take a dive in the second round/act like the Black Sox/get a really slow time at Giraffic Park.  She really displayed some of the most pathetic acting I’ve ever seen as she walks slowly and fakes falling down.  Why her team doesn’t yell at her i don’t know.  The girl even told Kenny, who she was racing against, what she was doing.  Fortunately Davis ain’t no fool and figures out what she’s doing (thanks Davis that’s all your screen time for this week!!!).  Cara does prove that being a Playmate makes you smarter than Kenny.  Jesus Kenny how dumb are you?  The girl kept falling down on purpose and not only does she beat you but you go ahead and DQ. 

Dude, where’s my car?

MTV moved through everyone pretty quickly after this.  David finishes, Aneesa finishes, and Jen claims any girl on her team could beat Suzy which perhaps foreshadows her downfall.

But then it was Johnny Bananas turn and we begin chapter one in the saga that i shall dub Giraffic Park Feet Markgate 2007.  In chapter one Johnny discovers that an easy way to tell the giraffes apart is by marks on the feet which helps him get a great time.  Once he finishes he grabs the group and tells them this.  This saga shall continue soon.

To help further speed things MTV throws in some up-tempo music as we see more people we don’t care about finish the challenge.  In a very hip 3 years ago sort of way the music supervisor has chosen to use “Banquet” by Bloc Party (what those new Bravery songs are too expensive?).  We see Ace mess up a little bit which is apparently instant karma for trashing Alton, and he gets beaten by Tonya.  Then it’s Paula’s turn and Johnny again mentions the marks to her, which helps her finish quickly.  Cara tries to call him out on this and accuses Johnny of not telling Ace about the marks.  Now two points i want to make.  1. Johnny did tell Ace about this.  2. What’s wrong if he had some season unity and just told his cast mate?  How is that any worse than Cara intentionally being slow to get Susie the life shield which would force Paula into the inferno.  Cara you might be a Playmate but girlfriend you are also a big time hypocrite.  Thus ends Chapter 2 of Giraffic Park Feet Markgate 2007, are you at the edge of your seats?


Finally it’s time for the final 2, Ev vs. Susie.  If Susie runs like Jay Garrick (geeky comic nerd reference) then she can get the Life Shield and continue her unhealthy codependency with Cara.  Susie blazes through pretty quickly matching her giraffe on the first try (and she should know the foot mark trick too).  Ev is a different story.  She get all pissy while looking and is running around and yelling at no one.  Kenny, in a rare moment of funny, calls her the Incredible Hulk (MADDER EV GETS HARDER IT IS FOR EV TO SPOT MATCHING GIRAFFE).  In the end Ev DQ’s, basically causing the Bad Asses to lose. 



In the end the Good Guys win, with Janelle and Paula being the fastest girls thus keeping the Inferno as Jen and Paula.  Susie complains about how everyone celebrates for Paula saying how everyone should be more somber since it means she still has to go to the Inferno (like I’m sure Paula would have been happy watching Susie and Cara make out in front of everyone had Susie won the life shield).  Also Johnny won a scooter and then TJ gave the worst plug ever for a gum brand i refuse to name because i will not help TJ in his quest to whore himself to corporate sponsors.  MTV i beg you to please bring back Johnny Mosely who had way more integrity.

The inferno is pretty stupid, sadly.  It’s called Zero Gravity and you climb up a ladder grab a flag then climb down and hook it into the floor.  Do this 4 times and you win.  There was something that involved your weight being all wacky but really i could care less.  To make a long story short Jen loses, despite bragging about how she could beat anyone.  Bye bye Jen.  Have fun going home and enjoying your girlfriend’s sloppy seconds.  Jen says something about how the good guys stabbed her in the back which just proves she really had no idea what the rules were.

However before the show ends we have chapter 3 of Giraffic Park Feet Markgate 2007.  Cara tells Ace how Johnny withheld the info about the feet marks (Cara also told my girlfriend how i cheated on her, and back in second grade told our teacher that kids were talking when the teacher left the room for a minute).  Really Cara is just a tattle tale who only cares about helping Susie and herself, not her team.  Don’t worry though Johnny, MTV has the footage to back your side of the story up.  Finally Johnny realizes how Cara only cares about Susie and faked falling down and everything and Ace begins to realize why Cara had tried to start trouble with Johnny.  The episode ends with Johnny calling Cara and Susie a cancer (which is really an insult to cancer) and we see a shot of the girls laughing.

Also Paula had a scarf on.