Recap: Inferno: Don’t Choke

Choking.  It happens to all the best athletes. Sadly, sometimes it happens in the most crucial situations and one can never recover from it.  Just ask Bill Buckner.  He was a pretty great ball player until is infamous choke in the 1986 World Series.  I guess in the world of Real World/Road Rules Challenges, Derick is our Bill Buckner.  Although unlike Bill, Derick has a third chance to prove he’s not gonna choke at the last minute. I should also tell you that this week’s episode was really boring.  No Susie/Cara codependency, no Aneesa flipping out, and even the “will Derick choke plot” was boring.  So now that I’ve hyped this up for you, welcome to The Inferno!The show opens on what appears to be a low key evening. Not every night can be full of half naked wrestling fun.  Derick sits with Ev and packs, since the dude knows he’s gonna screw up just like every other time and go home at the last minute. 

I’m skerd.

Once again, MTV shows us classic Derick choke moments.  MTV, please stop with these.  They scream time filling desperation on your part.  Derick speaks really seriously this whole time, as if these challenges hold any meaning in real life.  If he bones it, “he’ll feel like the biggest loser.”  Look, Derick, I hate to break this to you, but you already share that title with everyone that’s appeared on these challenges more then once.  GET A REAL JOB PEOPLE!!!!  Meanwhile Davis is elsewhere and he’s packing too.  Blah blah blah blah.  Nothing exciting.


Now for my favorite portion of the show, “What Idiotic Clue Will MTV Write?”  What is the point of these clever clues? Even if anyone could figure it them out, it’s not like you can train for swimming across a lake and matching giraffe feet or getting electrocuted in a trivia game.  Kenny reads the clue which says “tomorrow will really be a challenge,” except Kenny says it’s spelled “reely”.  Davis instantly thinks about fishing, which leads to wondering if he should confuse more women about his sexuality by making out with them.  Then the guys appear to have some sort of slumber party and hang out in a few beds.

Let’s brush each other’s hair!

Kenny hopes make it to the finals.  He feels he only lost the Fresh Meet challenge because of a fat girl (Tina) who claimed to be a puzzle whiz.  Now Kenny calling Tina fat isn’t nice, just like me calling Kenny an idiot isn’t nice. Both may be true, but words still sting. He just doesn’t want to lose on “something stupid.”  Dude. You’re on The Inferno. There are no smart challenges to lose on. Sorry.


Now it’s Challenge time, which TJ introduces as Hook Me.  There are 2 fishing boats each with deep sea fishing poles on it.  Since it’s a guys Inferno the men are doing the fishing, plus TJ knows that fishing is clearly a man’s sport.  Two girls will then jump in the water and have 30 seconds to swim as far from the boat as the can.  Then the guy from the opposing team will try to reel them in.  There is a time limit of 30 minutes, which Paula informs us seems like an ample time frame and should  give no one issues.  Derick is super nervous and looks like he’s about to wet himself. The prize for the fastest Guy and the Girl who stays out the longest is…drumroll… 20 inch custom rims!  The girls cheer, which adds weight to my theory that off to the right of the screen is a South African militia making them applaud for these crappy prizes at gun point.  I’m sorry but there is no way Susara (Susie + Cara) give a flying crap about a 20 inch rim, unless rim is followed by the word job.


First up is Kenny vs. Susie and Ace vs. Aneesa.  Susie gets out pretty far at the beginning but Ace is having trouble reeling Aneesa in, and really who could blame him? Kenny wears a hat sideways during his interview. Thank god!!  I’m glad someone finally decided to brink 1996 back.  Please start rolling up a pant leg next.  Eventually Ace figures out how to fish and reels in Aneesa, who promptly gave up after a few tugs.  Hmmm perhaps it could be because SHE HAS AN INJURY!!!!  As Kenny struggles Paula chimes in saying “I don’t think Kenny has caught anything besides the cold or the clap.”  I’d like to add to this joke but Paula said it beautifully.  So Kenny, consider yourself officially taken down a notch by Paula.  Kenny of course defends his poor performance saying “fishing is for losers.  I’m cool.”  Yes Kenny, all the cool people in 2007 wear their hats sideways.  You are like the male Corey Kennedy.  Keep it up.  Oh and take care of your clap while you’re at it.


Next up it’s Alton vs. Ev and Abram vs. Paula.  First, we hear Abram make a bunch of stupid fishing jokes about catching dinner.  Wow Abram, those jokes are cooler than Kenny’s fashion sense.  Despite his terrible attempts at humor, Abram reels in Paula easily.  Alton however is struggling.  Now I know I’ve been making fun of Derick about choking, but Alton has been choking week in and week out.  Usually this guy dominates things, but he missed questions last week, screwed up the week before that, and even bailed on that grape stomping challenge.  For a guy who constantly call the girls useless, Alton has been even more useless (okay just as useless) as Cara. Thus, Alton is the only DQ of the day.  I know Ev is tough, but she’s not that tough.  Kenny on Ev kicking ass: “Ev is a machine.  EVoultion baby.  Evolution.”  Hmm, I guess for Kenny puns must be cool too. Kenny and I have differing opinions on what’s cool.

Not cool, man.

After that heat we are treated to Derick vs. Cara and Davis vs. Tonya.  With Susie safe for today, we get to see Cara play to the “peak” of her abilities, which is slightly better than how she usually plays.  Ace, who feels he’s competing with Davis for the life shield, says “if Davis can reel in girls faster than me I deserve to go into the Inferno.”  Now I’m sort of surprised MTV put this in because it’s vaguely homophobic.  What Ace, a gay guy can’t compete in a fishing challenge involving girls as well as you?  Also I don’t know if you’ve seen Real World Denver, but Davis did a pretty good job of reeling girls in.  So actually Ace, Davis might be able to beat you in both a fishing challenge and a make out competition.  In the end, Davis proves he’s pretty good at both as Tonya yells “I cannot resist him” as Davis quickly reels her in.  This causes Tonya to have a bit of panic back on shore yelling about how she’s not a wimp and such.  I seriously wonder if this is all because Davis is gay and Tonya feels he shouldn’t be this awesome.  Man are all these people subtly homophobic?  Derick, despite having some problems with Cara, eventually finishes just behind Davis.  Last up is Johnny vs. Janelle who seems to make quick work of reeling her in.


After the challenge TJ compliments Ev on doing a good job.  He then places her on the handle bars of his dirt bike and they ride off over hills in the South African sunset.  Well, maybe that didn’t happen.  The Good Guys have an average time of 10 minutes 40 seconds, however the Bad Asses get 9 minutes 41.  So it pretty much seems that Alton’s 30 minute DQ totally blew it for the good guys.  Congrats Alton, you’re becoming more useless than Cara.  The Bad Asses now have a lead of 80k to the Good Guys 60k.  Johnny and Kenny win the life shield (along with those SWEEEEEET Rims), so that forces Derick and Davis to stay in the Inferno.  In responding to his victory, Kenny states “ask me what I’m bad at.”  You know, how about I answer that question.  My guess is you’re bad at math, reading, basic motor skills, and acting like a reasonable human being for more that 1 minute.


For the Inferno, the game is Corner Ball.  Basically the guys grab a ball which is in between them and then run it back to the other side, with lots of wrestling in between. 

I love you, brah.

Whoever wins 3 gets to stay.  You would think the producers could make a more exciting challenge that might be more even.  Instead we get one of the dullest Infernos yet as Derick easily sweeps Davis in three straight.  Well well well looks like someone managed to not pull a Bill Buckner again.  Well done, Derick.  Even TJ thinks this is special. “Finally, the curse has been broken.”  TJ calls Davis a true gentleman and places him on the handle bars of his dirt bike to ride off over hills in the South African sunset.  Derick, however, can’t shut up to the camera about how great it is to win.  He just can’t express the happiness he feels.  Dude, calm down.  This is not the most important thing in the world.  I’m beginning to think Derick is a manic depressive based upon how sad he was when he went into the Inferno and how elated he was when he won. 


At the end of the episode, we see all the guys celebrating about making it to the finals while the girls sit nervously upstairs knowing that they have one more Inferno and a bunch of guys who don’t really seem like they are prepared for the upcoming challenge.  Thus ends this boring episode, although next week it looks like more Susara drama which is always fun!

It’s almost over!