I’ve made no secret about how much I’m enjoying the latest incarnation of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but that being said, this week’s episode was fairly humdrum. It wasn’t necessarily boring. It was just average. Routine. Predictable. I literally just finished watching it ten minutes ago, and I can barely remember what happened. If there’s anything this franchise suffers from, it’s a complete and total lack of spontaneity, and nothing showcased these flaws more than this installment.This week’s show started off with Brad and CT discussing the psychological toll of sticking a bunch of nitwits — I mean, friends — in a house and making them compete for money and prizes. Such an environment was unhealthy, Bradley asserted, ultimately concluding, “All this drama’s about to hit the fan.” Amazing, I always thought it was just shit hitting the fan. Who knew an intangible concept could hit a fan too!
We then cut to Wes who was reclining on a bed shirtless, which meant we got to see his pale nipple all up close and personal. And by “personal,” I mean “I wanted to throw up in the nearest receptacle.” Anyway, he was talking to Evan about how people were gunning for him and whatnot, and poor Evan looked like his already thin hair was about to fall out. He complained that this whole game had made him insufferably paranoid, to the point where he feared he wouldn’t be able to enter the normal world again because he will have been so bonkers. Psssht. Canadians. So weak.
Elsewhere in the compound, Beth’s T-Mobile Sidekick III chirped happily. She then proudly announced that a new clue had arrived, causing an astounded Brad to say, “NO!!!!!” I had to agree: it was totally, absolutely SHOCKING! A clue??? At night??? On a Sidekick??? Who would have ever thought?
Well, this clue said something about the kids taking a rough flight, causing Nehemiah to surmise that maybe they’d all be… dragged by a helicopter? Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what it is. And since it’s so obvious how much money goes into these challenges, I’m sure production was able to pony up for a random chopper.
Later on, Nehemiah wandered into Beth’s room and pretended to break up with her. She joked as he went through all the clichés (“It’s not you, it’s me”), but at one point, he mentioned, “We can still have sex.” Joke or no joke, this placed a very visual, very disgusting image in my head, and I did not appreciate it at all.
The next day, the boys and girls paired up into teams, and then TJ revealed the next challenge: they’d have to take a ride on a “Russian swing,” which was basically a two person swing contraption. One teammate would rock the swing and use the momentum to launch the other teammate, who would then go flying through the air and land in the ocean below. That person would then have to swim down a lane, retrieve a soccer ball, and then swim back the other way and dunk the ball in a ring. If at any time the ball fell out of the lane, the team would be disqualified. Sounded simple enough. And completely uninteresting, but that’s besides the point.
First up were Wes and Svetlana, and as they stepped onto their Russian swing, Wes complained to us, “None of us have been on a Russian swing before.” Um, helllo. Svetlana’s clearly been on a Russian swing. She’s Russian! All Russian people use Russian swings! Duh!
Okay, who knows if Svetty had ever been on a Russian swing. Point was that this was the producers’ lame attempt at creating some sort of a dramatic hook to take us into the commercial break. Needless to say, it didn’t work. We weren’t left wondering whether or not Wes and Svetlana would be able to persevere over the dangerous threat that was THE RUSSIAN SWING. However, we needed to have a commercial break sometime, and why break tradition? Place one right before the first person attempts the challenge!
Well, sure enough, after the commercial break, Wes proved that no Russian swing could keep him down. He launched into the water with ease and swam pretty damn fast, which we’d expect considering he was a swimmer in his meat-head youth. As for Svetlana, she was okay. Her dive into the water wasn’t nearly as graceful as Wes’s. Hers was more of a general flailing and a splash. Nevertheless, she swam her heart out, and after she was done, Aneesa and Nehemiah took to the Russian swing. Neh was pretty solid with his heat, but Aneesa, well, she could have used some work. First off, she full-on belly-flopped into the water. Then, just as she was ready to dunk the ball into the ring, she messed up, the ball rolled over the edge and out of the lane. DQ. And no, I’m not talking about Dairy Queen.
CT and Diem were next, and off the bat, CT looked like he was swimming like a beast. That’s not to say he was fast or good or anything like that. He just looked like he was assaulting the water with each passing stroke. Diem, meanwhile, had to take her wig off, but unlike last time, she was way more comfortable — something she credited CT with making her feel. It made sense. How could anyone feel embarrassed for their hair standing next to CT? He then told us, “I’m intrigued by [blatant audio cut] Diem.” To be fair, CT’s also intrigued by balls of yarn and Swedish fish, so it’s really not such a big thing.
Beth and Eric took to the swing next, and as you can imagine, Beth had the daunting job of “launching” Big E. She was confident she could success, however, because she had self-professed strong legs and “I’m pretty good at pumping.” I’m sure Nehemiah would know. Rimshot! Anyway, their turn went without incident (minus Beth nearly missing the lane on her jump). Next up were Evan and Kina, and even though Wes was the one with all the swimming under his belt, it was Evan who seemed to speed through his heat the fastest. The guy was a machine! But would Kina let him down? He told us, “Kina makes me nervous because she’s a lot of talk.” He then added, “She’s also a lot of tan, a lot of blue eye shadow, and just a lot of annoying.”
Well, Kina did fine, and next were Derrick and Jodi. As usual, Derrick tried to be superman and rushed his way through the challenge, but he was a tad too hasty and managed to roll the ball out of bounds. Ha! Disqualified! Again! Idiot.
Looks like somebody’s had one too many beers…
Last to go were Brad and Robin, the latter of whom executed the best belly flop of the day. Luckily, her breasts surely cushioned the fall, and Robin finished her heat without incident, pretty much like everyone else.
So who was the winner? None other than Evan and Kina! He won immunity from the Duel; she won… a digital projector. Yes, I’m sure she’ll use that often when she watches instructional videos for bronzer and eyeshadow and whatnot.
Finally, it was time for the Pick ‘Em. Evan chose Kina, who chose Derrick, who chose Jodi, who chose Brad, who chose Robin, who chose CT, who chose Diem. This was a mild shock considering how CT refused to select Diem last week on account of her sexual stinginess. I guess maybe she’s since let CT explore the inner regions of her womanhood now. Anyhoo, Diem then picked Wes, which pissed off Eric because he assumed she’d pick him, but if there’s anything he should know by now, it’s that underneath that wig on that twinkly smile, Diem’s a hardcore backstabber. Just ask her old friends Linnette and Aviv.
Well, Wes chose Beth, and she then had the pick of the last guys: Nehemiah or Eric. Hmm… who would she save? Sure enough, she selected Nehemiah, which meant Big E was going into the Duel. Ah, but who would he drag down with him? Time for another commercial!
After the break, Eric chose Nehemiah to join him in the Duel. He reasoned that he could probably beat him, on account of him being “80% BS, 20% show-up.” — as opposed to Eric, who was only 20% BS and, of course, 80% McRib.
Must… wear… Towel of Melodrama…
Anyway, we then went into the Duel where the two guys had to square off in the bluffing bonanza: “I Can.” For those of you who missed the season premiere, in “I Can,” each player claims to be able to lift a certain amount of objects, slowly raising the numbers until someone calls the other person’s bluff. Then, if that person can’t lift those objects for five seconds, that person goes home. Otherwise, the other person goes home. It’s really quite simple, but I’ve managed to make it sound extremely convoluted (the fact that I’ve had three beers since the beginning of this paragraph may have something to do with that).
Well, for this Duel, Eric and Nehemiah had to guess how many logs they could each lift. After Neh stepped into game mode (which included lots of histrionic stretching, bouncing, and scowling), the competition began. Eric claimed he could lift eighty logs, but Nehemiah topped him with eighty-five. And so began a ritual that surely Count Von Count would appreciate.
Eight-six, replied Eric.
Eighty-eight, said Nehemiah.
Okay, you get the point. The numbers went higher and higher until finally, Eric asserted he could lift 165 logs. Turns out that was the limit, on account of there only being 165 logs available. Nehemiah wanted to raise him a few more times, but alas, his hopes were dashed by the meager log supply.
So could Eric lift 165 logs? Yeah, pretty much. The big guy raised the logs up, and even though he seemed pained, he managed to last five whole seconds. In the crowd, we then saw Kina counting along as she loudly yelled, “FOUR!!! FIVE!!!!” I don’t think she’s shown that sort of enthusiasm since the last time she heard there was a sale on bronzer AND blue eyeshadow at CVS.
“I AM AN IDIOT!!!!”
Well, because Eric had successfully lived up to his bluff, Nehemiah had to sadly go home. I was unhappy to see a member of the underdog alliance go home, and also sad because truthfully, I like Nehemiah. Oh well. C’est la vie. Afterwards, Wes lamented that his boy was going home, and as Neh packed up, he told Beth that there was no girl that could beat her in the Duel. Well, no girl except all of them. But I guess we’ll see how it works out.
What did you think about this episode?