Oh glorious Duel. Sometimes you do horrible things to our favorite players and send them home entirely too early. Beth’s dubious egress comes to mind. But then, just when I’ve given up on you, you provide us with the grandest gift anyone could want for the Holiday season. I won’t say much more, lest some unfortunate viewer has yet to see tonight’s triumphant episode, but needless to say, Christmas came early this year. Or, as it would apply to me, Chanukah came, well, on time. You get the point. To the recap!Tonight’s show began on a fretful note as hoochie-mama reggaeton beats scored Kina’s accompanying hoochie-mama entrance to a club. Reggaeton + Kina could only mean one thing: dumb trouble. Turns out we weren’t then treated to a full on skank-fest. Instead, we migrated over to CT and Diem’s corner of the world where they were canoodling away and praising each other’s finer qualities. “You’ve impacted my life. Period,” Diem told her man. I’m not really sure how CT impacted her life. Maybe he taught her that sometimes having hair isn’t always a good thing. Nevertheless, the two plotted their future in the game, saying that they’d look out for each other and take themselves to the final two — a strategy I hoped would grandly fail, just because I’m a spoilsport.
Meanwhile, over at the bar, Kina was looking more Jersey-ish than she’s ever looked before. She was literally doing the prototypical Jersey Girl stance, sitting with a cigarette sticking out of her wrist and her hair all skanked up. Shockingly, Kina was not discussing the many virtues of Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi. Instead, she was bashing Svetlana to Jodi, saying that “She WANTS to go home!” And of course, this was all said with that delightful combo of Jersey accent and overdramatic intensity. Kina then informed us that “I’m just a nutcase,” a fact we’ve been well aware of for the past few years. She then added, “Oh my gawd. I totally ran out of Lee press-on nails!”
“So I says to him, I says to him, ‘What the hell is a book?’ I never heard of that!”
Later that night, the gang received its latest clue: “Are you ready for a smashing good time?” For whatever reason, Jodi piped up and suggested, “Maybe we’re driving little dune buggies.” Yes. Because that’s a completely logical extrapolation.
Meanwhile, Svetlana babbled to Aneesa and us about pride and how she’d rather leave this game with her pride than $150,000 and blah blah blah. She was basically priming us in case she decided to suddenly quit for whatever reason. Aneesa, however, would have none of it. She wanted her little Russian mistress of the night, and honestly, I think we all wanted her to stay too. I mean, I’d rather watch her than Kina or Diem.
Anyhoo, the next day, the kids headed out to the challenge where they faced several stacks of ice blocks. Hey, where are all the mini dune buggies? The clue said “smashing,” and everyone knows that’s a veiled reference to miniature dune buggies!
Well, this competition required players to smash as much ice as possible through a grate and into a large bin. Whoever had the heaviest amount of ice/slush at the end of five minutes would win. Also, players were only allowed to attack one block of ice at a time with their sledgehammers (I know you were dying to know that rule). After the five minutes were up, each player’s bins would be weighed — thus revealing what could be a significant flaw in this game: whoever was weighed last would have a mild advantage. After all, water is heavier than ice, and the last person to be weighed had the greatest chance of having their ice melt. Oh, whatever. I’m over thinking this entirely way too much.
Ice, ice baby.
After the commercial break, the guys got to work attacking the ice. Wes seemed to be the only one with any strategy as he revealed that he was keeping as much ice on the grate as possible so that it would melt into the bin. Could it be that Mr. Douchebag has shown glimmers of smarts? I hate how Wes is much more likable this season. Not as fun. Ultimately, his tactic seemed to work, but it still wasn’t enough to counter Evan’s brute force. The Candadian easily won the men’s heat, earning himself a nifty set of golf clubs in the process.
Once the guys were done and weighed, it was time for the girls to step up. It should be noted that Kina’s hair was bigger than ever. I’m not saying this to specifically rag on her (although, I welcome such opportunities). Her hair was legitimately huge.
“I get my hair done at the Lemon Tree.”
Anyway, the female heat began, and for whatever reason, almost none of the girls were really flinging their sledgehammers. Instead, they were lightly tapping the ice, as if they were making some sort of graham cracker pie crust. Of course, Jodi understood that swinging her tool at full force might just have a bigger impact, and as expected, she inched out the competition by a fraction of a point, earning herself immunity from the Duel.
Next up: the pick ‘em! Jodi chose Evan, who chose Diem, who chose CT, who chose Kina, who chose Brad. At this point, our surly biker had to decided between Aneesa and Svetlana. Who to save? Who to spurn? Well, no surprise here. Brad picked Aneesa, which meant Svetty was heading back to the Duel. And who would she be taking with her? None other than the pride of New Jersey, Ms. Kina. YES. Svetlana told us she chose the Kin-ster because they were best matched physically, but Kina announced to us that she was gonna prove that she could compete. After all, Svetlana’s been playing this whole game defensively, she observed — as if that meant anything. Last time I checked, it was Kina defensively hiding behind the tower of protection that is Jodi.
Anyway, tonight’s Duel event was none other than Push Me, the same grueling challenge that nearly felled Svetty a few weeks ago (back when a technicality sent Beth home). For those of you who missed it, basically the way Push Me worked was that two people would be pushing against a rotating log in opposite directions. First person to reach a flag set 90 degrees away would win.
Well, after the commercial break, we commenced this sweaty event. I had to admit that I had no idea who would win. Both girls were fairly even, and if anything, Kina seemed to have more of the competitive edge. However, Svetlana commented to us, “I’m on the offense. Obviously, Kina’s on the defense.” WELL! So much for Svetlana being on the defensive! Touché, Kina! Your assessment was completely wrong! Eh, not as satisfying a put down as I would have liked.
Anyway, Kina seemed to have a pretty strong and sturdy stance, but as Svetlana pushed away, Kina revealed to us, “There is an intense strain in the arch of my foot.” Oh yes. The ol’ arch excuse. Actually, I’ve had those before, and they really hurt. But that being said, Kina still sucks.
“Don’t you dare say a bad thing about Jon Bon Jovi!!!”
In an effort to make up for her arch setbacks, Kina tried to intimidate Svetlana by letting loose a torrent of grunts and strange Jersey noises. However, the effect was lost on our resilient Russian, and at long last, Svetty made a breakthrough and pushed forward to the flag, sending a helpless Kina rotating around in a circle. Just have to say that watching Kina get tossed around the Duel chamber like a dead leaf caught in some windshield wipers was nothing short of divine.
Right in the baby-maker.
“Oh my gawwwwd!”
Sure enough, Svetlana won the Duel. She went over and hugged Kina, but the gesture was not returned. No, instead Kina fell to her knees, sobbing with alleged pain and grabbing her foot. Commence the violins… now. Yes, in a total baby display, Kina put on a total “Woe is me” performance as she bawled literally in a fetal position. Get your dumb ass up and be an adult, you idiot. For a moment, Svetlana actually felt badly, but then she realized Kina was merely putting on a show. You see, Kina didn’t want to face the reality that she had been outclassed by Svetty. Instead, it was easier to simply play up the debilitating arch injury. “You’re pathetic,” Svetlana said to us (it was addressed to Kina). At that point, I would have given Svetty a standing o, but it would have looked weird; so I just did it in spirit.
And Now An Ode To Kina’s Pain…
(Feel free to play Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings” in the background for full effect)
Oh, the horror!
Oh, the agony!
Oh, the idiocy!
I would like to say, however, that even though it was impressive that Svetlana beat Kina in this Duel, she better not act like she’s the queen of this event. She’s gotta remember that the only reason why she beat Beth was because of a dumb technicality. She also should remember that she put on a similarly histrionic display when she thought she was out (Kina’s was worse though).
Afterwards, TJ sent Kina packing, and sure enough, she continued to bawl like a little girl. “I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH, BRAD!!!” she sobbed. Damn straight, woman! I will say that Brad was very sweet and tender with her, saying that by her body giving out, it proved that she gave 110%. You know, I don’t think anyone doubted Kina’s effort. I think we only take issue with her idiotic behavior afterwards (and the fact that she’s basically an immature moron in general).
Kina then told us, “My body was just like ‘You can’t do it anymore,’ and that sucks because I didn’t make that decision.” Stop trying to blame your body. You lost. Deal with it. Nevertheless, Kina was not able to face the facts. “It just sucks for me,” she continued, “because I had the power and the strength in that situation.” CLEARLY NOT.
Ultimately, Kina declared, “If it wasn’t for my stupid body, I would have won.” Yeah, well, I guess there are a lot of things that might happen IF WE DIDN’T HAVE BODIES. Oh well!
What did you think about this episode? Happy to see Kina gone? Or sad to lose our favorite punching bag?Ge