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Just like childhood, high school, college, marriage and our own pathetic existence, all good things must come to end. We’ve come a long way with these yahoos in South Africa and now it’s nearly over. I’ll always treasure the memories of people wrestling, yelling, conniving, scheming and acting ridiculous. I’m not gonna cry yet though because we still have a recap to get to. Welcome to The Inferno!!Now usually, I skip the previously part of the episode, but this week I watched and was taken aback by the announcer with the gruff voice. Seriously, this guy should get a job doing voice over work for movie previews. After that, I watched the opening credits one final time. I was delighted to watch my favorite part when MTV uses CGI to make two cast members run like fake leopards. What a creepy touch! â€¨
â€¨The episode opens with bold letters written across the screen that says FINAL CHALLENGE and SOUTH AFRICA, just in case no one has been paying attention for the last 14 weeks or so. A bunch of the guys are all sitting around playing pool. John states how Susie and Cara are off in their own little world. You know, Susie is probably crying because she got splashed, while Cara is just relaxing in the bath. Derick meanwhile says he would feel like the biggest loser if he lost since his team has won 3 in a row. You know Derick I’d just be happy i didn’t choke right near the end and just enjoy that fact that I’m guaranteed 10k for making it to the final mission. Meanwhile, Alton feels that he has a well stacked team, clearly forgetting how much his entire team hates Susie and Cara. Oh I’m sure all this discord will cause the good guys to play like a well oiled machine.â€¨
Sigh, it’s now time for the final clue. MTV, I shall miss your vague turns of phrase to hype a challenge that will only be revealed 30 seconds later. I guess i shall just have to wait until the Gauntlet 3 for closure. Paula reads the clue which says “for the final challenge you’ll face the Big 5. You’ll have to work as a team to stay alive.” Abram for some reason thinks that in Africa Big 5 means the big game. I have no idea why Abram thinks this because it makes absolutely no sense. I mean what game does he think they will be playing for the final challenge? Mouse Trap? Susie takes a moment to point out that her team is ignoring her and Cara. Hmm i wonder why Susie? Perhaps it’s because you put the most undeserving girl on the team into the final Inferno. Alton states that the teams just doesn’t care about the girls, completely contradicting his earlier comment about how stacked the team is (unless stacked meant boob size and even then he’s still wrong). We’re treated to some final moments of our favorite cast members packing and Kenny bragging about how his solid team is going to kick some ass. I will not miss Kenny when this season ends.â€¨
We then see TJ introducing the final challenge. It seems like TJ decided to dress sort of formal for the occasion and is wearing a button down shirt. Although like the slob that TJ is he only tucked in half of his shirt. Come on TJ you can at least look presentable for the final challenge.
TJ tells us that both teams get to split the money they’ve already won meaning each good guy is guaranteed 10k and each bad ass 15k. Hell sounds like these guys already won. I’d love to be paid 10k to appear on a TV show, get drunk, and hook up in South Africa. Final Challenge be damned, I’m taking my 10k and flying back to the states. Except then TJ says that today’s challenge is worth 150k so I unpack and then decide maybe I will stay.â€¨
The Challenge is called Big 5. Each team starts with 4 puzzle pieces. At 5 checkpoints they will use the puzzle pieces to make an image of the big 5 animals in South Africa (see told you Abram was wrong). The the animals are lion, leopard, water buffalo, elephant, and rhino. I’m sure you were all taking bets at home. After you complete each puzzle there will be mini challenges to do in order to get more puzzle pieces. First team to make it through the course and assemble all the puzzles wins. Oh and for some reason TJ tells us that the finish line is way behind the mountains in case you wanted to follow along using Google Earth or something.
â€¨â€¨It seems like the odds are in the Bad Asses’ favor. Ev feeds off the Good Guys’ problems, and feels the more they fight the better the Bad Asses do. Cara says she’s worried about dragging down the pace. Boy Cara, maybe you should have gone into the Inferno to prove you’re not as weak as even you are now claiming not to be. John basically feels that Cara and Susie can take care of themselves. Look John, I know they both suck but if you’re to have any hope at winning you’re gonna have to be a team player now. Follow Paula’s example from last week (just don’t follow her example of when you were in Key West together).â€¨
â€¨Early on in the challenge everyone becomes aware of that the puzzle pieces are going to be a huge burden. The teams are already struggling with 4 pieces and it’s bound to get worse as the collect more. AS Ev observes, the pieces are both bulky AND heavy. Both teams get off to a pretty even start and Alton shows that he’s gonna buck the “who gives a shit about Susie and Cara trend” as he places himself in the back to encourage the slow-pokes.
The teams arrive at the Water Buffalo puzzle at the same time and from the get go it looks like a disaster. The Good Guys immediately start yelling at each other. The Bad Asses, though, are in the zone and finish pretty quickly, despite the brain power of Kenny and Abram. The Good Guys actually finish not too far after despite all the conflict. In order to get the pieces required for the next puzzle, the teams need to swim across the water. Abram notices Janelle is having a hard time swimming, and you know Abram was itching in his interview to be incredibly racist and talk about how no one should be surprised by this. The good guys manage to catch up a bit and are right behind the Bad Asses.â€¨
The Good Guys continue to trail the Bad Asses through the second puzzle which is the leopard for those of you keeping tack at home. MTV continues to treat us to testimonials of people saying the pieces are heavy. We get it, MTV. I’m really glad I don’t have to live in an awesome house in South Africa for a month and carry cumbersome puzzle pieces. After the second challenge, the teams are told to get more pieces from the bottom of a pit along with a gurney to help then carry them. THANK GOD!!! Maybe this will quit everyone’s bitching. Oh I guess I was half right, as Tonya now stops bitching but acts like a bitch and says there is no way Cara and Susie can carry these pieces. To highlight Tonya’s bitchiness MTV shows us footage of the co-dependent super-duo carrying a piece together.
â€¨â€¨Next up, the teams confront the Rhino puzzle and the Good Guys still trail by a small distance. Oh and the bitching continues as Ace tells us that the puzzles are easy, it’s carrying the pieces that is hard. Now MTV decides to raise our suspense level. First the Good Guys start arguing about which way you go, while the Bad Asses start seeing puzzle pieces on the road and argue over whether to pick them up or not. Let me give you a clue, pick them up. I’m embarrassed to say that Kenny agrees with me. Well, after some fighting and a commercial break, the Bad Asses decide to grab half of them, go to the puzzle, and then run back for the rest. Well played Bad Asses, well played. The Good Guys also come this realization and remain right behind the Bad Asses. Johnny also compliments Ace on how great a job he is doing and how he’s picking up the girl’s slack. They make plans to get dinner at Spago when they return to L.A. It’s at this point that I start to wonder if MTV is using tricky editing to make me think that the Good Guys are much closer to the Bad Asses. I’m proven wrong though as we see Good Guys start the elephant puzzle just as the Bad Asses run off to get the last batch of pieces. This all happens in one camera shot, so no tricky editing could have happened.â€¨
â€¨After doing the difficult task of untying a knot to get the remaining pieces from a net, the Bad Asses now have to carry 36 pieces to the final puzzle. We get some last minute bitching about the pieces from Ev and then it’s off to the final puzzle, the Lion. Both teams are working the puzzle at the same time but the Bad Asses finish quicker and race off to the mountain. Cara says she sees the Bad Asses run off, and for some reason she looks very prim and proper in his interview. This must be for some new Playboy fantasy special she’s getting ready for.â€¨
â€¨As the Bad Asses run to the end, Kenny says “I get to the top of the mountain, like the angel that he is TJ walks to the tip of mountain” Now it’s time for everyone to make inappropriate statements of how difficult the challenge was and how great they feel. For example, Janelle feels what she has done was impossible. Yes Janelle, puzzles are impossible. Derick tells us the curse is broken (umm dude I thought the curse was blowing it at the last minute, you were never cursed with losing the final challenge). Tonya thanks God, because I’m sure God has time in his busy schedule to help the Bad Asses win a challenge. Abram however is a little more humble and tells his team to root on the Good Guys to the finish. The Good Guys finish and Ace says that he still feels like he won, and since he’s going home with 10k who can blame him. Johnny however is much more negative, saying he feels his team has nothing to smile about. Cara feels her team just didn’t work together and they were hurt by all the attitude. Boy Cara, I wonder who caused nearly all those problems. I doubt it was you throwing challenges and being completely co-dependent on Susie. Nah, I doubt that had anything to do with it. â€¨
â€¨In the end, the Bad Asses end up with 40k a piece, not to shabby in my opinion. The Inferno 3 senior superlatives continue as Tonya is proud of her team, Paula is happy she played fair, Kenny thinks everyone is a good guy in his book, Susie feels blessed, and Alton channels his inner Ebert and Roeper giving the Inferno 2 thumbs up. Also, Cara is voted best smile and Janelle is most likely to succeed. We get the usual grainy flashback of the “emotional” highlights complete with the cheesy Emo music. Finally, we get a final image of the teams in a group hug yelling “”inferno 3 on 3.” I really hope this is the team’s doing, but cynical me says the producers put them up to it. And that’s a wrap for the season, but i think there might be a reunion special next week. If so, I hope the good guys tell off Susie and Cara. They deserve it.