Another week, another nonsensical blowup by a muscle-clad pretty-boy on The Gauntlet 2. Yes, I thought nothing could top Danny’s flame out last week when his odyssey atop a human pyramid led to his eventual defeat, but ‘roid rages know no bounds, and Mark Long was happy to carry the torch that his young cast-mate so proudly lit. That’s right. Last night’s episode was chock-full of eye-poppin, bus-punchin’, faux-hawk splittin’ good times. It’s the reason we come back to this parade of silliness season after season. Well, that and the extraordinarily fascinating challenges.This week’s episode kicked off with the ominous sight of eager reality stars pouring out of a party bus like a sack of spilled marbles. Seasoned viewers of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge know that the opening club montage leads to either two things: romantic hijinx or Greco-Roman wrestling. Or — if you’re lucky — both. Sadly, all we seemed to get was a nasty close-up of Aneesa jiggling her ass. But wait! There was Jodie sitting at the bar all alone, looking sad and doubtful. What, pray tell, had caused this curious case of crestfallenness?
Turns out that Jodi used to date Mark Long (a pre-requisite for any aspiring Bunim/Murray star), but then after telling her that he loved her, Mark grew distant and unavailable. Yes, this perfect, three-week union was broken asunder as the mighty faux-hawk’d one ceased to call Jodi his fair lass. “I don’t want to date her anymore. She’s gotta just come to grips with that, I guess,” Mark told us. Seriously Jodi, you have to get it together. We all know that no woman can interlope between Mark and his pecs.
Actually, there is one woman who seems able to tame the wild manbeast that is Mark Long: Robin. I don’t know if it’s because of her sweet nature or her voluminous, magnetically-repelled breasts, but Mark’s gotta thing for Ms. R. You see, they too used to date. In fact, they dated before Jodi even came into the picture (viewers might remember the epic Tanya/Beth showdown caused by the this coupling). Turns out that since the whole Real World/Road Rules gang gathered in the island of Trinidad and Tobago, Mark’s been spending quite a bit of time with Robin. Might this be the triumphant return of Robinark (or Mobin)? Well, Jodi feared so, and the thought of it broke her heart, which was why she so mournfully sat at the bar, watching her man shirtlessly court Robin. I kind of felt badly for her. Those three-week romances can be tough to recover from.
Well, as the night progressed, Jodi became drunker, which inevitably led to tears and crying and the warm consolation of other women. “He is nothing. He doesn’t deserve you. You are everything a guy could want. Why are you letting him upset you?” Susie asked.
“I don’t know!” Jodi replied as she stumbled back in a drunken misstep of shame. Moments later, Susie explained the whole situation to us: “Jodi’s fragile. Jodi’s vulnerable.” And Jodi’s wasted and irrational. Let’s be real here. Nevertheless, Susie was a solid friend as she dispensed firm empowerment like “He sucks, you’re great. Period.” She then told us, “It’s a shame that somebody like Mark, who’s 5,000 years old, is breaking her heart.” Okay, Mark might be old, but to be fair, Eric Nies and Timmy are both about 12,000 years old; so it’s really not that bad.
Well, just when everything seemed to be calming down, the dependable Beth popped up to stir the pot. She immediately gossiped to Robin that Jodi was crying in the bathroom, saying that she’d had sex with Mark. “I know that. I already knew that,” Robin said. WELL! Don’t think you can diffuse Beth’s gossip-bomb that quickly. She needs to meddle, and MEDDLE SHE WILL! Beth then informed Robin that Jodi said that Mark said that he loved her (Jodi). Oh no he di’int! This pissed off Robin so much, her breasts almost opened up to a 180 degree angle. Beth, meanwhile, told us, “I’m not trying to be an intentional shit starter at all. I swear!” Yes, and that is evident by you INTENTIONALLY STARTING SHIT!
While Robin stewed, Jodi went from crushed flower to sistas-are-doin’-it-for-themselves, and with firm determination (and a middle-finger fully extended), she told us, “He really did tell me loved me, and I really believed it. I’m an idiot. Hey Mark, go f*ck yourself.” It’s always great to see someone go from sad-sack to empowered-sack.
Later, with everyone all boozed up and ready to have an orgy (I’m looking at you, MJ and Landon), the gang hopped back on the party bus where Robin decided to question Mark about the whole Jodi thing. “She’s crying. I don’t give a f*ck!” he yelled at Robin. Whoa whoa. Easy there. What’s with the anger? No one’s trying to shave your faux-hawk or anything. Nevertheless, when Robin then said how Jodi was crying about Mark saying he loved her, Mark retorted with really the most logical response anyone could expect: “NO! I HEAR YOU, YOU F*CKER!!” And because coherency is for losers, he continued, “No, I don’t want to hear it, dude! Deal with the FUTURE! And the present! Don’t deal with the past! It’s a waste of time, DUDE!” (No word on whether or not Mark’s informed on the gender associations of the word “dude.”)
Before any more of this insightful discourse could play out, Mark then transformed into the Incredible Hulk — except without the green skin or superhero powers. Okay, he basically just ‘roid raged. “You pop off. It really PISSES ME OFF!!” he yelled as he punched the bus’s overhead luggage bin. Take THAT, overhead luggage bin!! Articles have most definitely shifted and become awkward NOW!!
It’s really the shirt/scarf that makes this so threatening.
But no amount of extravagant bus punching could quell Mark’s fiery rage. “I need to get out! I need to GET OUT!!!!” he yelled, grabbing the camera and threatening to go all Luggage Bin on the lens. “OPEN THE DOOR, DRIVER!!!” he then yelled, then threatening to punch a hole in the side of the bus. This was so King Kong chic.
“It goes from Gauntlet 2 to the f*ckin’ Jerry Springer Show in 2.2 seconds,” Mark explained in an interview, almost as if he had merely been a bystander to the entire debacle. By the way Mark, I don’t know what show you’ve been watching, but it’s more like it went from Gauntlet 2 to, uh, Gauntlet 2. Maybe these people should all consider some group anger management. Or maybe they should just get REAL JOBS. (To be fair, Mark has a real job. I know because we have the same boss. Aaawwwkward.)
Well, Jamie called upon his experiences living with monks and calmed Mark down, and while tempers were soothed and blood alcohol levels lowered, Susie received a clue from the producers. “OH MY GASH, GUYS!” she yelled, honing her inner Godlewski. Susie prattled off the message on her T-Mobile Sidekick (I’m holding one up and smiling for the cameras as we speak), and then everyone retreated for the night. However, since this was a girls Gauntlet coming up, it meant that team captains Ruthie and Kina had to share a special moment to talk about the stresses of the Gauntlet and yada yada yada, Kina eventually told us that the Gauntlet “is one of the most difficult situation that I’ve ever been in in my whole life.” Yeah, true that. Climbing up a cargo net for a flag — that’s like worse than the Holocaust.
The next day, the teams headed out to the beach where TJ Lavin revealed the latest challenge: “Spongeworthy.” Basically, each team had to split into three squads: soakers, transfers, and collecters. The soakers had to soak up water in sponges strapped to their bodies. The transfers had to transfer water from the soakers’ sponges, and the collectors had to squeeze out the transfers’ water into a bucket. And everyone had to do this with no hands. Basically, it was just an elaborate way to see simulated sodomy and weird head-in-crotch scenarios.
Well, the Rookies devised a plan of action that emphasized efficiency while the Veterans devised a plan that emphasized, you know, nothing. “We need little people who can go in the water fast and come back out,” Mark announced. Oh, that sounds like an excellent idea. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense, but it sounds cool.
“The Veterans have a pretty crappy strategy on this one,” Julie then told us. To be fair, the Veterans don’t exactly know what the word “strategy” means. (Derrick thinks it’s a type of vodka.)
Anyway, the challenge soon got underway, and within seconds, we were treated to the sight of Adam dry-humping Susie’s backside. “I guess it’s one way for a team to bond,” Jeremy joked. Hahahahaha WHO ARE YOU?
Meanwhile, Timmy piped up with one of his classic lines, “Squeeze my balls, about two gallons will come out.” Two gallons of HILARITY!
Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan have nothing on these two.
As the Challenge progressed, Cara explained the sexual nature of the situation, commenting on all the innuendo. “Sorry about this, mom!” she said. Hey, at least you didn’t show your vagina to the world. Oh wait…
“Where is he?”
“Here he is!”
“Okay, let’s do this!”
“Ah, sweet release.”
Well, the Rookies pulled off a victory, which meant Kina was safe from that most perilous of situations: THE GAUNTLET (rah rah rah!). Unfortunately for Ruthie, it meant she would have to face off against someone, and Beth had a sneaking suspicion it would be her. “People have preconceived notions about who I am. They think I’m sneaky. They think I’m a bitch,” she said. Now why would they think that? Just because you act that way on EVERY SINGLE SEASON?
Luckily for Beth, she was safe because Jisela volunteered to go into the Gauntlet instead. How about next season there’s no volunteering. I hate this. “I’m not gonna go out like a punk like Cameran,” Jisela noted. If this was the old Jisela — the crazy bitch from Road Rules: The Quest — I would have believed her. But somewhere along the line, she got a lobotomy (or maturity. One of those) and has completely mellowed out. Oh well, I guess this was gonna be a lame Gauntlet.
The teams headed out to the beach where TJ explained the rules of the girls’ challenge: Reverse Tug of War. Basically, each girl would be tied to a rope and would be trying to reach a flag on the outskirts of the court. First one to reach her flag would win. “It’s a new twist on an old game,” TJ happily remarked. Yeah, a new twist — kind of like when I saw it on SURVIVOR!!! Don’t try to scam your tug o’ war innovations by ME!
Anyway, as a random production assistant or grip ran around in the background, TJ rang the starting bell. Within seconds, Ruthie was off charging towards her flag, causing Jisela to instantly fall on her sizable rump. Yes, this was no contest, and the whole reverse tug o’ war was done faster than Danny could charge out of a wrestling circle. Way to not go out like a punk, JISELA.
Well, TJ was not happy with the results. “Jisela, I couldn’t be more disappointed in you. I’m tired of seeing quitters. The women are disgracing the Gauntlet so far. I’m just telling the truth. Two women’s Gauntlets, and they both give up,” he said. I really admire TJ for having so much concern for the integrity of the Gauntlet, but, well, that’s like someone trying to keep a dandelion alive. Yeah, it’s nice and pretty, but it’s still a weed.
Anyway, after a few grumblings about how the Vets gave the Rookies such a hard time about Cameran quitting but then pulled the same move, we then headed over to the Jisela goodbye station as the girls bid her adieu. Aneesa was particularly moved, and the two shared a very special and dumb farewell. “We were meant to be friends always and forever,” Jisela said. Like totes! Will you sign my yearbook now! Hey, let’s get a pair of jeans and mail them to each other all summer long!!
Just when we thought this episode was coming to a close, we returned to the club, and oh yeah! There was that whole Jodi incident! She and Robin must hate each other now. This is only gonna get worse!!
“I’m totally fine now, so great,” Jodie told Robin at the club.
“Good, we’re good. Cheers. Now let’s have fun tonight,” Robin replied. Oh. Okay. I guess that’s it. So… um… what else?
Nevertheless, Jodi ended the episode on an optimistic note as she said she was happy “just knowing that there is somebody else out there that will love me and really mean it.” And who could that person be? Judging by the cheery music and slow-mo smiles, I’d have to say Alton. It’s a romantic foreshadowing! I simply cannot wait!
What did you think about this episode? What’s the deal with these people?