Sex, Love and Battering Rams

Thank God for the “Inferno III.” Now I actually have something entertaining to watch on Tuesday nights. Sorry to say, “Dirt” just wasn’t cutting it. I will admit I felt a little queasy heading into tonight’s Inferno, only because my pick to go all the way, Alton, was involved. Although he should beat Tyrie in almost every conceivable event, if it turns into a test of strength, Alton may be joining CT on a plane home, which would be “wicked retahhded.”

All brothers look alike better label them…

Sheesh. I guess there’s a little Don Imus in the Inferno wardrobe department.

Let’s not waste time this week, and jump right in…

After a quick recap of last week’s events, we were quickly whisked away to the new and improved credits, since the teams have now been determined. As stupid as they are, I seem to enjoy them more every time.

Rachel:

“Let me see if I understand you Mr. Producer.

You want me to graze in the wilderness, start running from the bad asses, then get dragged

along by some sort of pully zip-line system while sprawling out on all fours!?

Ok”

Colie and Rachel running like Rob Schneider in “The Animal” is priceless, not to mention, Tonya appears to be naked when they are cycling through the Bad Ass team, which is oddly appropriate. We quickly got down to business this week, and we rejoined the teams in the Inferno dungeon for the Alton/Tyrie showdown. Apparently, this year TJ is arbitrarily selecting the game, because he immediately informed us that the contestants would be playing “Head Rush.” I’ll let TJ try to explain the rules this week:

Alton does one armed upside down push ups while he waits,

cause he’s…well, he’s Alton and he can.

“We’re going to be hanging you guys upside down, and you’re going to be having to collect nine puzzle pieces to build a stacking puzzle. When I say go, I’m going to be lifting up this sheet and that is going to be your key. You’re going to look over at this puzzle, and you’re going to match it perfectly with yours. You can get one piece at a time, build your puzzle. The first person to build their puzzle will win tonight’s Inferno and stay in the game. The loser goes home.”

Although the editing was crappy, what they showed was inexplicably efficient on the part of TJ. He must have had his pot confiscated in Customs. The fear that my man-crush Alton would be eliminated was eased, mainly because someone who fears heights probably wouldn’t do well being hung upside-down. It has nothing to do with the fact I saw Alton competing in almost every event on the season preview. I’m going with my gut on this one…

The Inferno started up, and Tyrie seemed to be having trouble getting his hands on the pieces, while on the other hand, Alton had already completed half of his puzzle. Tyrie wasn’t concerned though, “Well, I’m kind of a big dude. If I’m swinging, I kind of look like more of a wrecking ball than anything. I won’t psych myself out. I will not lose to Alton.” Damn it Tyrie, you stole that line directly from my notes. While I watched him dangling around aimlessly, I jotted down “Tyrie looks like a wrecking ball. Make sure you explain that it’s because he’s swinging around violently, and not because wrecking balls are typically big and black.” Living in an overly sensitive, politically correct world is the best.

Now I know why I felt like I needed to explain myself. I’ll turn it over to Ace for the update on Alton’s status: “This is a challenge that Alton’s just absolutely ready for. Hanging upside down, doing puzzles.” Why’s that, Imus? Because he’s like a monkey? Not quite – apparently Ace was thinking more along the lines of another black creature of the night: “Alton sleeps upside-down, like a bat.” Oh, in that case…

As expected, Alton won easily. I’m not sure that Tyrie even started putting together his puzzle by the time A-Train finished. Our loser wasn’t too concerned about the defeat though, saying, “Alton wins fair as a square, you know what I’m saying?” No, actually, I don’t. As opposed to what Tyrie, a triangle? “I’m damn sure not going to pout about losing to someone who’s been through a thousand of these challenges.” Man, the back-handed compliments are flowing now. I can’t figure out Tyrie. One minute he’s praising Alton; the next minute he’s calling him a square. If you looked up the word “charlatan” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure you’d see Tyrie’s picture.

Nevertheless, this is “The Inferno,” so TJ needed to put in his two cents before he pushed Tyrie out the door. “Alright guys, congratulations on an intense Inferno.” I’m not sure exactly what made this lackluster Inferno “intense,” but TJ seemed to enjoy it. Maybe he should have rephrased that, and said, “Thank you guys, for not quitting.” As we know from previous “Challenges,” TJ HATES quitters. Thank God Cameran skipped “The Inferno”; TJ probably would have attacked her on sight.

After TJ gave his usual spiel, Tyrie decided to try and rally the Bad Asses, “Yo, come, come, come here. We are better than them; we proved it for the past two days. One of us had to go. Ehhh, it had to be me. If I have to hear that A) they won, or B) Alton made it to the end… Then I’m going to come back and go Leeroy Jenkins on all your asses!” Maybe I made up the last part, but it was a pretty good pep talk either way. After his emotional speech, Tyrie felt the need to say goodbye to Alton again, who he apparently hates. “Alton, said it from the jump, man, it was an honor.” Or maybe he idolizes him? Make up your goddamn mind! Actually, just hurry up and leave. Didn’t you get eliminated? Be gone.

“Dude, tell me that’s an inhaler.”

Back at the house, the remaining players got a clue about their next challenge on some sort of cell phone/text messaging device. I guess this year MTV decided not to inform us that the clues are being sent on a “T-Mobile Sidekick 2.” Instead, MTV opted to zoom in on the phone so that you can clearly read “T-Mobile Sidekick.” Very sneaky guys, very sneaky. Ace read the clue for us: “Hope you do a bang-up job at tomorrow’s challenge; Wear your team colors and be ready to leave at 9:00 a.m.” It seemed like a pretty harmless clue, but it caused Colie to suddenly blurt out, “We’re having sex tomorrow!!!” Uh-oh, Colie’s officially in heat. Let’s all pool our money and get Colie spayed.

Moving up to the bedroom, we found Susie, Cara, and Colie playing drinking games – errr, strategizing. Preparing for the Inferno soon turned into some good old-fashioned Tonya-bashing when Susie said, “Even though Tonya’s in good shape, I feel like she’s easy to intimidate.” Colie couldn’t have agreed more, even though she’s known Tonya for all of two days, and added, “I feel like she’s dumb as rocks, so if it’s anything to do with math…” MTV knows better than to include math in any of the Infernos silly! What’s the fun of a complete stalemate?

Susie and Cara then reiterated their undying love for one another, and we headed upstairs for a meeting of the minds with the women of Team Bad Ass. Present for this gathering were Aneesa, EV, Tonya, Jenn, Janelle, and Derrick. Yup, all bitches.

It became quite clear following a brief strategic comment what the real intention of this summit was: Aneesa needed to let EV know who the real HBIC was on the Bad Asses. First, Aneesa chewed out EV because she made a comment about Paula since she hadn’t been on a “Challenge” with her before. Then, she accused Evelyn of treating the rest of her teammates like competition. When EV tried to deny the accusations, Aneesa quickly cut her off and said, “No, yes you do. I know you do. You are not a humble person.” And she would know, considering she’s been on hundreds of “Challenges” with EV…

Poor Jenn looks so sad cause there’s no one banging her.

Aneesa thought she was speaking for the group, but Janelle and Paris Hilton didn’t seem to be completely on board. Oops, I mean, Tonya. The resident loon saw shades of herself in young EV, and stated, “Evelyn’s very insecure. A lot of the things that she does, I’m like ‘Gawwwd, I used to do that, I used to do that.’” Does that mean EV is going to do a million “Challenges,” get a boob job, and start a soft-core porn career? I hope not. Remind me to cancel my Cinemax subscription, just in case.

Aneesa wasn’t happy about the insubordination, and declared, “I don’t have time to play babysitter, therapist, mommy, big sister.” However, it’s apparent that she has plenty of time to play “tyrant.” Also, it appears that the players need more time in-between their sole, hourlong activity each day. Those executives over at MTV – what a bunch of slave-drivers! Nothing was going to stop Evelyn, who became a house of swear words, and stormed out of the room. I would like to thank these girls for reminding us of the old “Challenge” adage that two wrongs make one, very big, wrong.

After the break, we arrived at what appeared to be an old castle. This excited Kenny to no end, causing him to say, “We show up to this castle, and I’m like man, this is what I want to see, some castles. Maybe we’re going to shoot each other with cannons.” Yup, he really said, “Maybe we’re going to shoot each other with cannons.” You can go first, pal.

Oh Yeah, Jenn is totally gonna bone that.

The name of this challenge was “Battering Ram.” Looks like poor Colie might be getting laid after all! Strangely enough, the goal of this challenge was to break through a couple of thousand-pound doors with huge, wooden battering rams, or, as Colie likes to call them, “dildos.”

The twist to this game was that the players could only use one hand. Common sense tells me that the teams should immediately split their group between righties and lefties, but the Bad Asses seemed more concerned about who was in front, and who was in back. I have a pretty good idea of how the setup should go, but let’s check in with Team Bad Ass to see what they came up with. EV thought it would be smart to have the guys in back (wrong). Danny, on the other hand, thought it would be better to have the guys up front, since those are the people who need to slam the battering ram through the door (right). Crap, I hate when Danny’s right. Eventually after a bunch of bickering, total idiocy prevailed over slightly less idiocy, and they decided to put the men in the back.

I have high hopes for the Good Guys to figure out the logical way to play this game, only because they seem to have a couple of mildly intelligent people on their side. Sure enough, Timmy and Alton aren’t complete morons, and they set the team up with a configuration of their two strongest men, Bananas and Alton, in front using their right hands, and Ace and Timmy in the back getting the battering ram’s momentum going.

The challenge began, and it became painfully apparent that the wooden battering rams were completely hollow, because they started swinging wildly with little physical effort. This revelation actually seemed to help the Bad Asses, as it appeared they were making better contact with their door than the Good Guys. This didn’t last for long though. The Good Guys righted their ship, and a couple of good thrusts of the log later, they were through their door.

Yay for logic!

While the Good Guys savored the sweet taste of victory, Danny couldn’t contain his ‘roid rage any longer. He stormed away, told his teammates to “fuck off,” and whipped his helmet. He then vented his frustrations to the camera, saying “Everyone has their opinions, I understand that, but the girls on our team can’t take direction, and the girls on their team can. That’s the difference.” Unfortunately, though very childish, Danny was right again. (I hate this.)

Danny wasn’t done yet, and stormed away to inspect the door that the Good Guys broke through. I don’t know what the purpose of this was, but I’m assuming he wanted to accuse the Good Guys of cheating somehow. His team began to get fed up with his shenanigans, causing Janelle to state, “Danny has a tendency to blame other people.” Regrettably, he really can’t blame himself for this one, although he could stop acting like such a baby for starters. It was time for Kenny to feel Danny’s wrath, causing the dimwitted Bad Ass to respond, “Why are you yelling at me? I don’t even know what the fuck happened.” Yeah Danny, lay off of Kenny. The poor idiot just thought you guys were going to be shooting each other with cannons.

When we returned from commercials, the first thing we saw was a South African soldier firing a mini-cannon. I half-expected to see Kenny standing in front of it like Happy Gilmore in a batting cage. “Yeah, bring that shit on. I love it. God, that hurt a little, but I’m OK.”

Wisely, MTV edited out the portion where Johnny tries to cash it.

TJ then awarded the check to the victors, and informed them that they needed to decide now who would be going into the Inferno next. If you didn’t think the women on this “Challenge” were insecure, you know now, because they all thought they were going into the Inferno for one reason or another. Tonya thought she was going in because people simply don’t like her. Colie thought she was going in because she was a newbie. Rachel thought she was going in because she’s the strongest. Paula thought she was going in because everyone can kiss her goddamn ass. Needless to say, it was one big mess of estrogen.

The Good Guys deliberated first in the creepy “trophy” room. They seemed to come to a consensus that Jenn was the best choice to send into the Inferno. It sounded like a logical choice to me, but what do I know? Ace disagreed, saying “The girls are trying to pick the people they think they can beat. And that uh, shows that they aren’t playing for the team, they are playing for themselves.” Isn’t that why you’re all there? To make a buck for yourselves? Somebody needs to let Ace know that this isn’t team sports, and unless he’s willing to share his paycheck, he should probably keep his mouth shut. I wonder why I never realized how truly dumb Ace is. Oh, I remember now, it’s because he never makes it past the third episode. Maybe I should cut him some slack; he doesn’t know what it’s like to win money on one of these things.

Over at the Bad Asses’ deliberations, things didn’t seem to be going as smoothly. There was a lot of arguing, and they didn’t seem to come to a decision. I guess it will be a surprise. Shortly after that, TJ strolled in to announce the chosen two for the Inferno. “And the Bad Ass girls select… Ace!” Oh sorry, I mean Susie.

No comment, just enjoy the picture.

Too many captions to choose from.

After Susie was chosen, the Good Guys revealed their selection of Jenn. No real drama there. Everything seemed fairly amicable, but Cara was not a happy camper. “Susie cannot leave this competition. If she does, I will probably go insane, and probably will want to pack my bags, and lose the competition on purpose to leave.” This begs the question – then why is Cara there? The camaraderie? A tan? Hope is not lost for Cara though – don’t forget, she still has her trusty alliance with Susie! She can use that to save her! Wait, I forgot, they are on the same team… So much for that idea.

Moments later, Susie informed us, “Nice, meek Susie is gone. I’ve had it with being bullied and I’m going to stand up for what I believe in.” Gooooooooo Alliance! MTV then humored us by showing a clip of tantastic Kina berating our blonde friend on “The Gauntlet II,” and little Susie sobbing uncontrollably. I enjoyed that clip a little too much.

Suddenly, the episode ended. WTF? Have the producers ever heard of a climax? Talk about a weak way to end a show. Personally, I thought this episode was a little bland. What did you guys think? Is Team Bad Ass tearing at the seams? I’ll see you on the board.