For those of you who haven’t heard, TJ is not only out of his coma, he’s walking and talking! He also had surgery on his broken wrist, which apparently went well. They think he’s going to make a full recovery. May he continue to sass the Challengers for many seasons to come.
Previously: Katie and Big Easy were thrown into the Gulag because Bananas is an asshole and no one will ever respect them. Or something like that. Katie pulled her usual move- yelling at the nearest female because they’re easier to confront than the guys. Abram and Skull Beads wanted to bond by performing a sacred virgin ritual together, but they couldn’t find any in the Challenge house so they just facepainted each other and then engaged in some heavy petting.
Piano music plays while most of the challengers sleep. It appears to be night time, but the lights are always on so I can’t be sure. But what, you may ask, is the source of this piano music? It turns out Abram is tickling the ivories, and that simultaneously is and is not a euphemism, since Skull Beads is sitting in his lap and he is making out with her whilst providing some tunage. BTW, I’m calling her Skull Beads now because the real Pocahontas was pretty awesome, and I don’t want to associate a whiny little punk with her. But back to the matter at hand: has there ever been such a terrible violation of a musical instrument depicted in the media before this? Why yes, yes there has…
“This one time… at band camp… “
Abram tells us that he likes Skull Beads because she’s sweet and nice, or something like that. Then Theresa says they want to suck each other’s blood and Sarah says they want to have tantric, devil-worshipping sex with each other. Sweet, nice, bloodsucking, devil-worshipping sex. As you do.
Back in the daytime with the mortals (I know it’s daytime because they’re outside in the sun), still-allegedly-straight Luke says he needs to see Camila’s boobs. Dan says he needs to “really jump on that” in a hilarious tone that I think is supposed to be mocking. We’ll just pretend it is, because quite frankly Dan is the closest I’m going to get to crushing on any of these guys and I need SOMEONE to be appealing. Luke lays out in the sun near Camila and attempts small talk about the weather. Shockingly, she does not rip off her bikini and jump him. How does she resist, you might ask? Why, because she loves Johnny Bananas, of course! She knows he’s an ass, but wants to marry him for some reason. To his credit, Luke quickly picks up on the fact that she’s not interested. He won’t push it, but he’s ready and willing if she decides to go for it. Don’t hold your breath, bro.
The Challenge’s answer to the Statue of Liberty: The Statue of Debauchery?
Hey, did you guys know Katie has done this before? No? Well, she has. Eight times, in fact- yes, I just checked. She promises that she knows the moves before they are made. Apparently she and Big Easy (who really does look smaller) knew they would be the last ones picked and would be repeatedly sent to elimination. I hate to tell people how to live their lives (no I don’t), but if they know Challenges bring nothing but misery and pain, might they consider getting jobs since they rarely win much (if any) money on these things anyway? I’ll stop now. This is no place for logic.
Since Bananas is without his usual Douche Underlings this season, he has to actually put some effort into manipulating and controlling the game for once. He sits Ty down for a chat and tells Ty he needs to perform well in the next challenge in order to justify sending Easy into the Gulag. Bananas would never forgive himself if he helped Easy get to the final challenge and then found out Easy couldn’t do it. Don’t worry though, he can still forgive himself for stabbing his alleged “friends” in the back, degrading women at every turn, and being a douchebag in general. Just not letting Easy make them lose the final challenge. He’s even worse than the girls, because at least they can throw the girls over their shoulders and keep moving.
Clue time! Something about getting in a jam. Walnuts says they want to win again to prove their last victory wasn’t a fluke. Then they’re going to win every other challenge until the last one. Oh, is that all? I don’t know why the other teams didn’t think of that strategy. Also, Laurel doesn’t like losing. Who knew?
The challenge this week is at a horse track, which prompts Melinda to wonder if they will be riding horses, or if they will become horses. Through some magic spell or something? She doesn’t specify, but I’m sure she’s used to riding.
You just know that bitch had a pony growing up.
Anyway, this week’s challenge is called Bottleneck Stampede. For some reason I find myself thinking that this sounds like a Mario Party game. I don’t know why. But for the challenge, all three teams will be racing through the course at the same time. The catch is that they all have to take turns making it through the tiny areas known as bottlenecks. They are permitted to push, shove, and block other competitors along the way. The first team to get all of its players across the finish line wins. The teams are uneven, but no one will sit out. I suppose since they have extra players to help block the other teams, it all evens out in the end.
Tyler advises us of the red team’s strategy: get all of the players to the finish line. Brilliant plan. Derrick fills us in on the blue team’s strategy: he will block one of the girls on the gray team, and Ty will block one of the girls on the red team. No word on what Bananas will be doing, but I’m sure it will be sufficiently rude in some way. Also, I’m proud of Derrick if he’s the one who came up with this strategy, it’s nice to see him use the old noggin. Remember that time he had to read a clue and he was so baffled? Poor guy.
And they’re off! (Their meds, their rockers, etc.)
Brad tells us that the wrestling matches between the guys are much more intense than the obstacles themselves, so he’s trying to stay out of the chaos. That’s fairly typical of Brad in most of his challenges. Theresa and Camila reach rows of hay bales without any space between them. Camila is concerned because she has a big ass, meanwhile skinny Theresa can’t get through. Just think how Big Easy’s going to feel when he gets there. I hope this challenge makes him grateful for every single pound he lost, because his old self might not make it through this one. Johnny says there are too many people trying to fit through too small a space. He likens them to a “turd that won’t flush.”
Touche, Bananas. You have beaten me to the joke this time.
Jenn tells us that she has to be loud and strong to survive in a mosh pit like that. I can attest to that. When you’re surrounded by people who are bigger than you in a huge, pushy crowd, you have got to make sure that people know you’re there or you will get crushed. Survival tips for life, people. Tyler says the blue team is playing dirty, but by preventing him from getting through, they’re preventing themselves as well. Apparently they’re not grasping the concept of the “finish line.”
We hear Skull Beads squealing at one of the bottlenecks as she interviews that Big Easy and someone else have her in an accidental headlock. That would by my cue to reach up and dig my nails into an arm or two. Or at least scream my face off until they were scared I’d gone psycho or something. For an alleged dominatrix, Skull Beads does not have the greatest tough-girl survival instincts. Oh, but don’t worry: Abram is there to save her! Quothe Skull Beads: ”He’s like Superman!” Pardon me whilst I partake in some vomiting.
And this face is Kryptonite to my dinner.
Abram is annoyed to discover that he has caught up with Sarah and Ayiiia after fighting Derrick and Ty. (Oh, Bananas is already across the finish line filing his nails or something, if you were interested. He’s beyond helping the little people. Or Big Easy, for that matter.)
We learn that Derrick has done his job of holding the gray team back, but Ty has not accomplished the same with the red team. Bananas just keeps screaming “TY!” from the finish line, while the red team takes the victory. Surely, since Easy outperformed Ty this week, he will be spared from elimination, right? Dunbar says Ty has been consistently unimpressive, but he’s fine with the blue team keeping Ty around until the end. Oh, that will never happen. If Easy is eliminated, Ty is without question going in every elimination round because no one is going to send in Bananas or Derrick, whether they should or not. I’m actually really curious, if it did come down to that, which of the two would be sent in.
On the bus ride back to the house, Brad notices Bananas “rubbing on Camila’s leg,” which he knows could be cause for concern.
Back at the house, the red team toasts to Johnny Bananas losing while the blue team discusses the elimination round. Katie, still with black eyes, volunteers herself to go back in since Shauvon pussed out. She wants her team’s respect and doesn’t want a freebie.
“Plus, if I volunteer, I can pretend this was my decision and I won’t have to yell at my female teammates and blame them for it later tonight.”
Easy tries to stand up for himself, claiming that he proved himself in the Gulag and the challenges, and now it’s Ty’s turn since he’s a rookie. Emily hesitantly brings up the fact that Derrick held the gray team back while Ty failed to do the same with the red team. Ty claims that the red team had a better game plan and there was nothing he could do. He says that Easy is “clearly” the weakest link. Yes, I “clearly” saw Easy jog to the finish line while you were banging up against some tires and then collapsing after everyone except for you finished. Obvioustown, USA.
Bananas wants them to get up and do some laps. Dance, monkeys! Dance for his entertainment! Ty says he’s game, but Easy and the girls quickly shoot the idea down. Jenn says they need to decide for themselves whether they think Ty should prove himself or not.
The gray team is in a similar situation, with the gender roles reversed. Luke accepts his inevitable trip to the Gulag, confident that he can kick Ty’s ass. I would love to see that. I’m not being sarcastic. Ty is an asshole, and while I find Luke’s voice annoying, he actually seems like a pretty good guy, is willing to compete, and isn’t easily fazed by the prospect of elimination (I’m looking at you, Skull Beads).
Speaking of Skull Beads, Ayiiia was concerned by her crying while she was caught in a headlock during the challenge. Abram comes to her defense, which prompts Ayiiia to accuse him of keeping her around for the nookie (come on), the nookie (come on). He also brings up the fact that Laurel and Skull Beads made it to the end, while the guys caught up to Sarah and Ayiiia. Skull Beads thinks that since she already went in, it’s Ayiiia’s turn to fight for it. I think they both have fair enough points and I don’t really give a crap about either of them so whoever goes in is fine with me. (And I know everyone hates Laurel right now, but let’s face it: they view her as the strongest girl on their team, she’s not going in.)
Teej arrives for votin’ time. Abram’s up first, and he wins a point from me when he says he’s “voting for Luke for the guys, and I’m voting for Sarah just to cause confusion on my team.” Confusion is my favorite! The rest of the voting is uneventful, except for the fact that Derrick breaks out of Bananas’ compulsion and votes for Ty, which makes me happy.
I had no idea he was capable of independent thought! Our little Derrick is all grown up!
Teej arrives with the results. Sarah, Skull Beads, and Ayiiia all received votes, and Ayiiia is the chosen one. Luke was the unanimous gray male choice. On the flip side, Katie is the unanimous blue female choice. As we all know, the blue male vote came down to Ty and Easy. BUT! In a scandalous twist (just go with it), we have our very first TIE! This gets even better, because Teej says the blue team gets another vote, and if they can’t pick one then Luke gets to choose ANY of the guys from the blue team! I know my fantasy of him picking (and beating) Bananas is just a pipe dream, but at least I’m pretty sure he’d pick Ty over Big Easy.
After the second vote, TJ reveals the Big Easy is the chosen one. We learn through a flashback/dream sequence vote that Jenn and Derrick switched their votes to Easy. Lame, but they do get partial credit for at least trying in the first round. Easy’s pretty pissed, and Jenn tries to talk to him but they just end up snipping at each other and she walks away.
Hot tub time! Ayiiia flashes her boobies for Big Easy, which makes his whole trip. People wrestle, and Walnuts has fallen asleep on the table. Camila and Bananas are having fun. Brad says he’s not saying he trusts Camila, and he’s not saying he doesn’t trust Camila, but it “creates a liability.”
Mark the date, Gasmii. Brad just used a FIVE syllable word. MADNESS, I tell you!
Brad and Dunbar are very concerned about this Johnny Bananas situation, and Brad wants a team meeting. Dunbar thinks Bananas is the biggest scumbag he’s ever met. And that’s coming from DUNBAR.
Over in the hot tub Ayiiia theorizes that most of her team wants Skull Beads to go in. Luke disagrees, but Ayiiia asks him which one has the clearer head and doesn’t cry about challenges or going in. He agrees that it’s her. She brings up Skull Beads’ relationship with Abram, and she’s pretty pissed. I can’t really disagree with her, but she’s going into elimination. Such is the plight of the rookie.
Brad, Melinda, and Paula sit Camila down and tell her that talking to Bananas makes her look shady. Camila claims that she hasn’t told Bananas anything and they don’t even talk about the game. What do they talk about, then? Health care reform? Alternative energy?
Are they perhaps debating the merits of telling Paula about the growth on her face?
Paula tells Camila that some of them want the win even more than the money. Did you guys know that Paula has lost all six challenges she has been on? For that matter, did you know that BRAD has never won a challenge either? That’s surprising. I almost want to root for the red team. I need to see which players make it to the final challenge before I can decide who I want to win.
Camila says she’s not going to hate Johnny because everyone else does. Well, it’s only a matter of time before he gives her a reason to hate him all on his own.
Brad moves on to talk to the man himself, Bananas. Brad tells him about his teams suspicions regarding Camila. Bananas doesn’t understand why she would throw challenges for him since there’s nothing in it for her. Brad just hopes Bananas got the message that he’s got his eye on the situation.
Ahhh, we have reached the ominous arrival of TJ at the house. He asks to see Luke and Easy. After they are summoned, Tori tells us that there isn’t ever really good news when TJ comes to the house. We get a commercial break for suspense….
TJ hands them razors and shaving cream and sends them upstairs to shave their faces. Everyone displays various levels of shock and awe. Katie is concerned by the fact that the Gulag will apparently involve their faces, which she isn’t too keen on since her eyes are still black and blue from falling face first 30 feet into water. Everyone hypothesizes, but my personal favorite is Brad because he seems to think it will involve setting their faces on fire.
Oh Brad, sometimes you’re my favorite.
Dan chimes in to say that if it’s against the Geneva Convention, he’s pretty sure it won’t be part of a challenge. Only pretty sure, though. You never know what sadists work at MTV, and they are in Eastern Europe. I’ve heard those bitches be crazy. Still, I’m enjoying Dan’s position as both the cute AND the logical one this season. He’s no Landon, but I’ll survive.
And other times, Dan, you’re my favorite. Where have you been all this time? What the hell season of what were you even on, and why didn’t I watch?
(I looked it up. He was on Road Rules: Viewers’ Revenge. As stated, I did not watch.)
Anyway, the guys finish shaving. It was a much bigger task (no pun intended) for Easy than for the barely-pubescent Luke, but they both pass inspection by TJ. Easy says they have several hours to ponder the reasons for the razors. For some reason, all I can think about is electrocution, but I highly doubt that will happen.
Luckily, we don’t have to suffer through nearly as much speculation time. The teams arrive to find a strange contraption that Dunbar describes as a weird S&M contraption that looks like it came from Skull Beads’ house. Skull Beads says it looks like a “torture picnic table.” I can’t beat that description. Luckily, I can give you a picture:
Remind me to never, EVER, go to a picnic with Skull Beads… Actually, I’ll just play it safe and avoid her altogether.
The metal collars make me think about electrocution some more, but TJ promises we have “no idea.” He also promises a show.
After we get to speculate for another commercial break, it’s finally time for some explanation. The title of today’s elimination is SWAT, but not like a SWAT team. Instead, the participants will be hitting each other in the face with fly swatters. As I mentioned in my recaplet, coming up with these things has to be one of the weirdest job on the planet. Who comes up with that?!
Katie and Ayiiia are up first, and Abram likens this to “a good, old-fashioned Soviet drinking game.” Oh, to be a fly on that wall… oh wait, never mind.
They start slapping each other, but have trouble keeping straight faces because, well, it’s pretty ridiculous. Skull Beads wants to trade places with Katie so she can hit Ayiiia. Oh, look who suddenly WANTS to go into an elimination round!? Whiny bitch.
They slap for five minutes, then upgrade to heavier fly swatters and slap for five more minutes. Then TJ begins round 3, which involves them holding a bucket suspended on a rope during the swatting. The first person to let her bucket hit the floor loses. Tyler knows this round won’t last long, since neither of the girls picks up “anything heavier than a cigarette.” He’s right, and it’s close, but Katie pulls out the victory. She knows her team doesn’t really want her back, and will send her into the Gulag again. Teej bids farewell to Ayiiia, and she cries and says she’ll come back and kick ass.
Easy wants to win and go back to the house. Insightful as ever. Luke says he’s played this game before with his drinking buddies, and Easy has “some fresh baby skin to be just pounded out of him.” Sometimes Luke is like a walking That’s What She Said dispenser. Albeit a weird one. But enough about that, ’tis slapping time!
I can’t decide which part is my favorite: the bug-eyed goggles they’re wearing, or the superintense look coming from TJ.
After many swats, it’s bucket time. Easy says it’s hard to concentrate on both slapping and bucket holding. Luke is smart enough to concentrate on the bucket and not bother hitting Easy too hard. It works, and Luke pulls off the victory. I’m happy for him, he did a good job. My new lover Dan is also very proud.
Teej tells Easy that he went down swinging and is always gracious in victory and defeat. Then Easy walks away without saying goodbye to anyone, which sort of counters that point. Not that I blame him, they certainly weren’t entirely fair.
Bananas tells Camila that the girls on her team are coming up with conspiracy theories. Does he just always blame females for absolutely everything? It was BRAD who brought all of this up, no? Tori tells Brad and Dunbar that she doesn’t trust Camila and thinks everything she says will reach every room in the house. I think Tori is GROSSLY overestimating the amount that people care about what she says, does, or thinks.
Speaking of grossly, Bananas interviews that he needs to keep his friends close and his enemies closer.
Anyone else utterly shocked that he missed the opportunity to tell us how he literally “trimmed the fat”?
Next week: Ty is an asshole and fights with everyone, solidifying the fact that he will be the choice for blue male elimination rounds until he goes home or the challenge ends. Brandon may or may not drown, and I’m hoping for not because I actually like Brandon.
I found the challenges this week to be entertaining in their sheer ridiculousness, particularly the Gulag. I was happy for Katie even though I wish she had sent Skull Beads home instead. I felt bad for Easy, getting sent home after his victory last week. I’m hoping he keeps working out and losing weight and eventually comes back to beat Bananas. Speaking of, it is scary how much control that jackass has. I’m just WAITING for Ty to get sent home because I’d love to see his reasoning for why Derrick should go into elimination instead of him. Anyone suspicious of his fraternization with Camila? Do you want Brad and Paula to win one, or do you not care? Anyone else gain a little respect for Luke, or develop a little crush on Dan? Talk to me!