First of all, someone brought up Thunder From Down Under in the comments on the last recap, which made my week. All members of the MP, your homework assignment is to visit their website, though it’s probably best if you don’t do that at work. I’ve seen them three times, and I highly recommend it. Now, let’s get down to business.
Previously: The Douche Trio and their Stage Five Clinger Wes decided to enact some plan that made CT a metaphorical Hitler and acted like they would be war heroes if they could pull it off. Wes decided Mandi was hot, but she was too busy flirting with CT. Laurel decided CT was hot, but he was too busy flirting with Mandi. It’s all very A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
And, if I may borrow some wise words from the Bard, “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
(MP, you’re welcome.) We open with CT and Laurel flirting. Wow, where was the transition on this one? When last we left them, CT was all about flirting with Mandi and more or less laughing Laurel off. Did I miss something? A deleted scene, perhaps? I really expect a more thorough narrative to inform my Challenge viewing experience, apparently.
Anyway, Bananas is happy as a pig in shit that he can use the constantly swirling emotions of these girls to get them all riled up for his own amusement. He points out that CT and Laurel are upstairs and asks the room in general if Mandi should do something about it. Mandi responds by slamming an unidentified utensil on the table. Oh, good lord, I sincerely hope that CT does not have a bunny. Or that there are no innocent bunnies running around that particular area of Costa Rica.
Clearly, Tyler is on the same page as the rest of us.
Adam recaps it for those viewers with the short-term memory of a goldfish: he and Jenn are “hooking up,” as are CT and Mandi. However, CT has now found Laurel. In fact, he is telling her about his brother getting shot and killed right before he left to do the Duel 2. When he got there, he and Adam got into their little spat. And yes, I was going for the biggest understatement in Challenge history with that last sentence. Apparently, CT feels bad about that.
He’s either actually liking Laurel or he’s just upping his flirting game for the hell of it, but this is definitely more intense than his “choking is totally normal” conversation with Mandi. CT says they’re both bullies, and Laurel tells us their connection is totally real and she’s gonna “see how it goes.”
Back downstairs, Tyler is telling Mandi that he had hoped she would execute more class, because that is a trait that all challengers are known for. Laurel comes down to a round of applause from the sixth-grade contingent, and Mandi “jokingly” yells about sloppy seconds and Laurel being a whore. Laurel rolls her eyes at this display and says she’s getting to know CT as a person, and I’m not NORMALLY one to agree with Laurel, but…
Mandi claims that she doesn’t care, and CT is just eye candy. The guys try to egg Mandi on and get her pissed off.
Speaking of eggs, here’s a big ole hardboiled one, with a side of extra-crispy bacon.
Evan informs us that CT has hit that (meaning Mandi) and has now moved on to a “bigger, badder girl.” He says everyone knows that Mandi is pissed.
Ev tells Walnuts and Wes that all of the girls who have been falling for CT will end up looking like suckers. Ev is really on an awesome streak this season. Wes agrees, then uses it as a platform to begin talking about himself, admitting that when it comes to the game, he is threatened by CT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, did Wes just admit that someone, somewhere is high and mighty enough to tango with his untouchable self?
Hold on tight, Gasmii. The world might have actually just stopped turning on its axis.
Wes blabs to EvNuts about him being able to “run circles around” CT in the final, so I suppose the world has once again resumed proper rotation. Ev says she doesn’t believe he’s that confident if he’s going to such lengths to get CT out before the final. Wes blabs some more about their plan and Ev tells him he sounds “really cocky right now.” RIGHT NOW, Ev? Looks like someone’s trying to beat me out for biggest Challenge understatement. Ev thinks the guys and their plan are crazy.
Wes and Kenny are kind of like Pinky and the Brain, no? (Note: I am in no way suggesting that either of them has a properly functioning brain.) Every week, Wes comes up with some master plan/strategy to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. And every week, Kenny manages to be a goofy dumbass and fuck it up. Also, Wes is like Pinky in that he’s constantly dancing around asking for attention from the Brain/Kenny, while Brain/Kenny just react mostly with disdain and/or annoyance. And yes, I do realize they are both Pinky and both the Brain in this comparison, but I stand by my point.
Time for some good old-fashioned demonstration of the RIVALRY between Evan and Nehemiah. Nehemiah says Evan is a “follower” based on the way he acts, especially around Kenny and Bananas. I’ve always thought Evan was the ringleader in that scenario, but what do I know? Evan retaliates by saying that Nehemiah hides behind “fake spiritualism” and asking why he’s there. Nehemiah claims that he’s there because there are things he will have to deal with that he wouldn’t in his normal life, and this will help him grow.
“For example, in my day-to-day life I do not live in fear of you confusing me with a bonbon and trying to eat me.”
Also, he wants money. Evan says if Nehemiah is so concerned with his spirituality, he should go live in a monastery. Nehemiah tells us they lack desperately in the communication area. It’s quite jarring because I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Evan fight with anyone.
Challenge time! CT is enjoying living life under the microscope. This week’s challenge is called Catch and Release. One partner will be suspended in a harness and the other one will have to jump into his/her arms. They will swing across the water and pull a release that drops them as close to the finish line as possible, then swim the rest of the way. Fastest guys are safe, slowest ones in the jungle, fastest girls win $2000. Hey! Teej managed not to call that last part “interesting” this week. Progress!
Teej sends Jenn and Mandi off to make the order while Bananas reiterates the Master Douche Plan for us. CT will lose, Evan will lose worse, and they will vote CT into the Jungle to face Evan. Mandi asks who they’re putting first, and Jenn firmly says it’s CT and Adam, despite Mandi’s half-hearted plea for MikeRoy. Jenn says she’s known Adam for years, while Mandi has only known CT for a few weeks and is trying to save him. Jenn says that kind of playing with the heart is why Mandi is not leading this team.
“I have a FRENCH BRAID. This is SERIOUS, so take your pussy little pearl earrings over there and DO WHAT I SAY!”
Roy Lee tells us he and MikeMike plan to perform and stay quiet so they can sail through to the finals. That would be awesome, but you KNOW if Johnny or Kenny lose, they are absolutely going to take MikeRoy into that jungle. Jenn and Walnuts call Kenny the “DQ King” and we get a fun flashback to him failing at almost every challenge so far this season. Kenny tells us this is the longest he’s gone without winning a challenge, so the plan is to win today. I can’t believe we’re wasting this brilliant strategy on the Challenge, can we get Kenny into a high-powered position in Washington DC instead?
Evan asks Nehemiah if he wants to hang or jump, and Neh wisely says jump so he doesn’t have to catch Evan’s fat ass. Evan tells us he’s planning on losing today, but the problem with that is it “affects Nehemiah as well.” This unprecedented awareness of others is shocking.
CT and Adam are, of course, up first and once again, they do well. Adam says it’s like being in an action movie and CT once again asks if they’re friends and gets no response. Kenny jokingly strangles Adam and tells him to say they’re friends. Kenny tells us that CT is only doing this because he and Adam are partners, and otherwise he’d be treating Adam like shit. BTW, if you haven’t already, I think it’s time to start drinking every time CT asks Adam if they’re friends yet.
The Cancun J’s are up next and despite Jasmine’s freaking out and a late release-pull, they do all right. MikeRoy are up next and poor, terrified MikeMike tells Leroy to pull the release if he passes out because he’ll wake up when they hit the water. MikeMike is turning into such a badass, Gasmii, and it’s as heartwarming and delightful as everything else he does. As MikeMike is suspended over the water, there are many Jesus jokes and he sticks his arms out like a cross and it’s awesome. Teej looks like he can’t believe he’s still standing here listening to these idiots after all these years.
“I am not high enough for this. Please, someone, bring me my bong.”
MikeRoy kick ass once again, with Mike even kind of throwing Leroy a little further ahead in the water as they release since Leroy’s a slower swimmer. See? So SMART. Laurel and Skull Beads are next, and allegedly Skull Beads is allowed to lead this one. They do really well despite a red ribbon apparently wrapping itself around Skull Beads and making it difficult for her to swim.
Pinky and the Brain are up next, and “Mr. Beautiful” is all sad about failing so goddamn much this season. Oh, have you guys heard that Wes is the greatest swimmer in all of the entire universe?
“The only reason Michael Phelps won all of those gold medals is because I was here, on the Challenge, instead of at the Olympics. He never would have stood a chance against the likes of me.”
Kenny is happy that he did not fail at the challenge, in which there was no way to DQ anyway. But more importantly, MikeMike is giving Paula a lapdance, and they’re talking about liking each other. I cannot do it justice, Gasmii, it must be seen to be appreciated. The best I can do is give you this:
Never before have I wanted to switch places with Walnuts, but there’s a first time for everything.
Ev and Walnuts are up next, and Paula is terrified. Ev does her best to calm her down, and they do really well. Walnuts tells us she and Ev are working really well together and are probably the strongest girl team. Seriously, separately they’re always questionable, but together they have been really awesome. Also, for everyone who always complains that no one ever tries to go against the Douche Trio, I think we need to give Ev some credit. She has tried multiple times and it always seems to end up burning her. Even this time, she’s told them several times that their plan is stupid, but she’s not on a team with them so what does she care?
Bananas and Tyler are up next, and Bananas tells us his throat is in his stomach. Other way around, Sananab Ynnhoj. Then he hits the release on their harness waaaay too soon and they have to swim most of the way. Bananas makes the premature ejaculation before I can, which is just no fun. Jenn and Mandi are up next, and Jenn takes great delight and running and tackling the terrified Mandi. They do quite well for themselves.
Evan and Nehemiah are up, and Evan tells us they are no longer on speaking terms, but he makes the decisions. Nehemiah tells us that jumping from high places is why he does challenges, because apparently that’s spiritual. Kenny says Evan’s taking a risk, because CT might win, but that’s what has to be done. It’s not THAT much of a risk, because if CT wins they’ll just pick MikeRoy, but whatever. Also:
After they land in the water, Nehemiah swims toward the finish line while Evan swims around like an idiot, jokingly asking which way it is to the Jungle. Everyone feels bad for Nehemiah as Evan tells us they’re doing the right thing. Yes, that’s so very noble of you. Evan remarks that they will have an awkward boat ride back to shore. When they get there, Neh throws his life vest at Evan, who is all hurt that he would do such a thing. Bananas yuks it up with Evan as he says Neh has no reason to be shocked by this.
Teej gathers everyone for announcements. All of the girls except for the Cancun J’s had good times, but the winners are Laurel and Skull Beads. Teej then says that Evan and Nehemiah lost due to Evan’s flopping around, and he doesn’t know what happened. Neh helpfully explains that they’re “playing the game with a bunch of bitches, and I’ve got the biggest one on my team.” The promo editors thank you for that, sir.
As for the winners, despite CT and Adam’s performance, Pinky and the Brain have miraculously managed to win. They are positively DELIGHTED, and give a giddy interview in which they seem like total BFF’s. Also, this is doing WONDERS for Wes’ ego. I’m going to have to borrow Jon Stewart’s Trump Egometer for this one:
We’ll put Wes around… level 3 right now?
Evan and Nehemiah bitch at each other for a bit before the Almighty Wes steps in. When Evan wonders what he’s doing wrong, Wes tells him he knows he’s right, but he’s lowering himself to Nehemiah’s level right now. Wes claims that he would have backed Neh up if he said anything in the two weeks since they concocted this plan, and then says Neh is his “best friend.” Oh man, Danny is definitely going to cry when he sees this, home alone in his bachelor pad since Melinda left him.
Neh tells us he wished he had drowned Evan and sent him home in a box. I’m sure your spirituality would have benefited tremendously from that, dude. He says keeping his cool with Evan is much worse than going against CT.
Back at the house, CT and Laurel are birdwatching as the sun sets. Yes, I’m serious. CT tells us he’s over Mandi and gets the crazy eyes when he starts talking about Laurel. They banter about her wearing his jersey as Mandi sits around with stankface. She says Laurel can have him, she’s not going to compete, which is what girls always say when they realize they would have no chance regardless. Then she says if CT wants to waste his time with a “200 pound girl who acts like a 7 year old with ADHD Order, have fun.” She says that, but what I hear is:
“I’m not going to be ignored, CT.”
Also, of all the things to make fun of with regard to Laurel, her weight is not one of them. She’s just freaking tall, and is in great shape. I’ll grant her the “7 year old with ADHD” part, but I”m not sure what she thinks that stands for if she felt the need to add “order.”
Teej gathers everyone for the vote, and CT makes everyone vote for him to his face. Roy Lee tells us if they want to be dumb enough to throw themselves in against CT, they can go ahead. He’s rooting for CT to come back so they can break up the alliance. CT then calls the douches out for being scared of him, which Bananas hilariously tries to deny. Teej comes back, again commenting on the fast “vote,” and says the battle will be “ugly.”
Drunken shenanigans. Mandi is WASTED and slurs that CT shouldn’t “be with” her and then another girl. CT says he’s trying to sever all ties with her “before I wake up with my bed on fire.” HA! CT tells her he regrets hooking up with her and to “know your role.” Wow, what a dick. I am completely shocked by this turn of events. (Although, when you look at this season in isolation, CT hasn’t been so bad. The only thing he’s done is yell at Wes after being provoked, and Wes deserves to be yelled at even when he’s NOT provoking someone.)
Wes tells us he’s protective of Mandi because they’re friends, and she slurs to him about what a big old meanie CT is, even though she told everyone she didn’t care when they tried to warn her about THIS VERY THING. CT interrupts to say he wouldn’t hook up with Laurel since she’s too good for him anyway and he’s a bad boy. CT reminds Wes how much badder he is, and for once Wes doesn’t even argue.
AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! SNAKE!!!! I am seriously scared of snakes, guys.
Laurel says she guesses if this were a game, she won. She got the guy. Mandi goes on a long, slurring, tearful rant at Evan about how she TOTALLY DIDN’T FUCK CT, Y’ALL. Do you understand? She goes on and on while Bananas stands behind her cracking up and mocking her and reminding everyone what an asshole he is.
Meanwhile, Evan is doing his best Barney the dinosaur impersonation, hoping it will make everyone love each other and be a happy family.
Mandi gets into Wes’ bed for some quality spooning, while Jasmine hides under the bed next to them because she’s “nosy,” and she didn’t get to see Mandi and CT. HA! Okay, Jasmine is getting funnier. Wes finds her (after she lightly rubs his back) and pulls her up by her pants. Jasmine tells some other people, and Jenn heads in to spy, finding Wes and Mandi hooking up. Wes claims it’s because “that’s what friends who are beautiful do with each other.”
Okay, Wes, but what does that have to do with you?
Evan tells us Mandi is only proving further that she is a slut. Tyler recounts all of the house hookups for us, calling it the Jerry Springer show. (OMG, can we have a paternity test to find out if Evan’s babydaddy is Kenny or Bananas? I mean, we all know it’s Kenny, but Bananas has to think he might be the father, right?) All of the pairings earn the “vomit” distinction from him, but only CT and Laurel get the honor of “double vomit.”
Adam and Jenn talk about his Jungle, both saying they think he’ll win. Jenn says she came in aligned with the other guys, but she doesn’t mind having Adam around because she likes him. Someone’s quite the flipflopper on that one, I must say.
Jungle time! It’s called Rail Slide. Each team is holding onto a pipe 25 feet off the ground. Teej tells them they don’t want to fall that far because it sucks. Awwww, Teej! They have to slide the pipe along some rails down to the finish line. Evan tells us this is their plan, and now it’s do or die. Adam says he totally wants to stay so he can get more side boob from Jenn. Except he says it like the chick flick he thinks this is: “When this game started, I had 50,000 reasons to come back to the house. As of today, I have 50,000 and 1.” I’m sure he thinks that sounds all romantic, but he has essentially just said that Jenn is worth $1.
“I totally heard Richard Gere say that once.”
The teams start swinging, and Nehemiah reminds us that Evan did not invest the proper amount of time getting in shape for this one. He says Evan needs to man up because “this is the only time that it matters.” They’re a total mess and even KENNY is yelling the incredibly obvious advice that they need to swing together.
CT and Adam are faring better. CT keeps getting a bit ahead, but Adam manages to catch up. The editing does its best to make it look close, but it seems pretty clear that CT and Adam are way ahead. Bananas suddenly starts questioning their brilliant plan and Ev, who knew this was a bad idea all along, tells us Evan looks like a beached whale. Couldn’t have said it better myself, Ev.
Of course, CT and Adam win and CT is super giddy about it, once again asking Adam if they’re friends. (DRINK!) Needless to say, Nehemiah is pissed that he got screwed over by the Douche Alliance EVEN WHEN HE WAS ON IT. That has to suck. Teej sends CT and Adam back to the group and tells Evan and Neh that they have to go home. Evan says it’s been a long time since he’s gotten this speech (quick Wikipedia research tells me it’s been five years, and he’s actually only lost one elimination round before!), and Teej agrees.
Well, that’s what you get for eating Pinocchio, DICK.
Kenny literally starts crying, blaming the “wind.” Dude, you are not fooling anyone. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU AND EVAN ARE IN LOVE. It’s okay, you can admit it. I think NPH made it okay to be gay.
Also, Kenny looks much better in green than in yellow. I wish Evan had been in more elimination rounds instead of him.
Evan admits that he is fully to blame for their elimination. I hope he has the decency to say the same to Nehemiah’s face. Bananas is worried about their alliance.
Next week: Spraying each other with fire hoses! Jenn gets PISSED at Skull Beads. The teams are traveling 3000 miles to… somewhere.
Well, I can’t be the only one who enjoyed this one. Evan completely deserved what he got there. Although I do feel a bit bad for Nehemiah, it was worth it. Anyone sorry to see him go? And just when you thought Wes’ ego couldn’t get any worse, they had to go and win a challenge, so that should be fun. Oh, and blahblah CT/Mandi/Laurel drama. He was definitely a dick to Mandi, but she was warned. Multiple times. Also, this week’s challenge was fun to watch and looked fun to do. What did you guys think of everything?