The Challenge: Human Wrecks

Kenny starts off this episode with a motivational speech to his cronies. But don’t worry, he can’t do it without being just a little bit rude. He tells Ryan he’s “setting the bar for gay men across America.” Yes, I’m sure they’d all like nothing more than to make it to the end of the RW/RR Challenge. Or maybe he’s referring to the fact that Ryan “played both sides,” so to speak? He tells Jillian that weirdos still love her.

Granny glasses and Chardonnay for breakfast? What’s weird about that?

But he’s nice to Pete and calls Theresa a prostitute, so that’s better.

Meanwhile, Ev’s off making some Eggs Over Lonely, and telling us she’s going to fight for her life because apparently she still thinks people are executed after an Exile loss. If only. Although then Darrell would be dead, so that’s no good. But if Kenny ever lost, it would give us the chance to say “Oh my God, you killed Kenny! You BASTARDS!”

Where was I? Kenny tells us that Ev is even more awkwardsauce than before, and says that she “played the scumbag game” the whole time and now wants sympathy. He says she’ll have to go to church to get that because there’s none in the house. Definitely can’t blame anyone for that, because Kenny is definitely right.

Laurel and Ryan soak their feet in the hot tub and chat about the game. Laurel doesn’t think Ryan will go into either of the 2 Exiles that are left, although they both realize it depends on who wins. Ryan mentions that he and Jenn are the only teams left who haven’t gone in, which is probably a combination of their double-agent gameplay and the fact that the other teams think they have a better shot at beating them in the final challenge.

Landon and Carley appear to be practicing Exile puzzles with cut-out shapes, which is just plain adorable. And not a terrible idea.

And he’s dressed like his idol, Bill Cosby. I bet Landon loves pudding.

Landon know that the other teams have their alliance set now, and that he’s going into Exile unless he wins. He decides to use the only power he has, which is deciding the order of the next challenge, to see if he can talk anyone into anything. In exchange for the second to last position, Ev is beyond willing to throw whatever team Landon wants into Exile if she wins. She also still thinks Ryan and Jenn might turn on Kenny and Jill.

Landon goes to Kenny with his tail between his legs and tries to cut the same deal he did with Ev, but giving Kenny third to last instead. Landon tells us his biggest weakness is the fact that he still believes the Challenge abides by the same level of fairness as Sesame Street. If it were anyone else, I’d mock, but it’s Landon so it’s just endearing. Kenny’s only offer is that if Landon wins this Exile, he could maybe sit out the last one. Landon points out that if he wins the next challenge, that deal wouldn’t get him anything. Such a conundrum these boys find themselves in.

“Con… un… huh? Mr. Beautiful has not had that on his word-of-the-day toilet paper yet.”

They both acknowledge that Landon made a mistake going with Wes at the beginning of the season, but it’s too late to do anything about it now. He says it’s “live or die” because apparently he’s been listening to Ev way too much.

Since Kenny’s leadership basically involved telling everyone everything and then letting them tell him what to do, he promptly tells his alliance what just happened. They ask who he wants to go against, and it’s Ryan and Theresa, who are conveniently missing. Luckily, Aziz is there to remind Kenny that while Landon is nice, it’s too late for him to cut deals. They agreed to get their four-team alliance as far as possible, and figure out who would go in when they had to. Pete explains it again, and at that point I think Kenny finally comprehends it. He’s continuing his “I’m honorable” character this season, telling us he’s not going to make his game easier by turning on the people who have gotten him where he is.

Ev tells Wheezy that she feels good about the upcoming challenge. He’s confident about her but reminds her that other than Aziz, he’s the smallest guy by about 4 rounds of steroids.

Probably not the best idea to anger Ev while you have a semi-sharp object pointed at your eye, buddy.

And now for my favorite challenge this season: One team member (spoiler alert: the girl team member) will hang by her ankles and act as a human wrecking ball while the other team member has to stack some rocks to form some sort of statue, which has to stand for 5 seconds.

Kenny and Laurel are first and this is officially the most flustered they’ve been. Kenny’s about to put the last piece on when Laurel flies into it and knocks it down. She’s yelling instructions at him and he’s not listening, because doesn’t she know women should be seen and not heard? Or in this case, hung and not heard? They manage to finish with a decent time, but Jill and Pete beat their time by about a minute. Then Jill promptly runs into the woods to puke. Haha, that would probably be me. And then! Jenn and Aziz take the lead by a wide margin. I had a feeling Aziz was a bit of a dark horse, because they’ve done fairly well on most of the challenges despite not winning any of them.

Ryan and Theresa do not fare quite so well. She keeps knocking into both him and the rocks, apologizing every time like it’s her fault. Once they realize they can’t win, they decide it’s better to just give up. Thanks for the LOLs, guys.

Speaking of LOLs, next up are Ev and Wheezy. Guess who sucks at this challenge worse than Ryan, and has a far less understanding partner? Wheezy, of course! The whole thing was hilarious, but my personal favorite was when she took out both him and the puzzle:

Anyone else wonder if she took him down on purpose?

The blurry screencap doesn’t do it justice, hopefully you guys watched this challenge because it was hilarious from beginning to end. Ev tells us she didn’t know it was humanly possible to do such a terrible job. She wants to punch him in the face every time she hits the statue, and you know what? I wouldn’t put it past her. Except she’ll probably wait until she won’t get sent home for it. They finally have to give up. Ev’s beyond pissed, which prompts Ryan to give us the line of the night: “Every time Evelyn loses a challenge, an angel gets its wings.”

Landon and Carley do much better, but it’s still not enough to beat Jenn and Aziz! Wow, first team besides Kenny/Laurel and Landon/Carley to win a challenge (not counting the one that Kenny/Laurel let Jill/Pete win)! What an exciting moment. Needless to say, they’re stoked, especially Jenn since this is her fourth challenge and her first win. Well, I think we can attribute that win to Aziz, but whatever.

You know what I just realized? This challenge was so much fun for me, imagine how much fun it must have been for Teej? I should have smoked before I watched it too, I bet that would have made it even better.

Wheezy and Ev argue on the bus ride back because Wheezy apparently does not know that after a loss, one must not experience any sort of joy for a minimum of several days. Which means that these two have deserved virtually no joy this entire Challenge. Even when Wheezy finally apologizes for daring to smile, she’s still pissed.

Ev channels Mopey, the 8th dwarf that Disney had to scrap because he was bringing Happy down, apparently forgetting her growing reputation for throwing challenges.

Jenn’s so giddy over “her” win that she jokingly tells Kenny she’s going to throw him in, which of course confuses him. They all agree to stick to plan, which means Ev is screwed, and unfortunately so is Landon. Not that this well-established fact prevents Landon from making a desperate last-minute appeal to Ryan. I can’t follow the logistics, but he asks Ryan to throw in Jill and Pete in exchange for… something. Ryan tells us he’s thinking about it because the final is close and he can taste the money. I bet it tastes like syphilis.

More of the drama between Ev and Wheezy. Wheezy and Kenny bond at the pool table (no, not the way Ass and Theresa bonded on that same pool table), while Ev chats with Landon. She tells us that they’re a better team and they haven’t had a chance to prove it. I’m pretty sure she’s had exactly as many chances as everyone else, but whatever. If she needs to make excuses to make herself feel better, I can’t stop her.

Exile Deliberation. Jenn and Aziz waste no time in sending in Ev and Wheezy. Wheezy tells us he’s not prepared and doesn’t want to go in. Well, Wheezy, you should have thought of that before you boned this week’s challenge harder than you’d like to bone Ryan.

The sexual tension between these two is staggering. They have as much chemistry as Lee Dewyze does personality.

Landon smiles real big as he throws out what he knows is a useless vote for Jill and Pete, and Jill jokes way too hard as she votes for him. She went from granny to preschool in 2 seconds flat.

Luckily, Landon understand because he speaks fluent preschool. He’d make a great kindergarten teacher, methinks.

Ryan, of course, isn’t going to screw over the alliance that has kept him safe all season, so it’s Landon and Carley going into Exile. You can tell they all like Landon, but everyone including Landon knows he made his bed and now he has to lie in it. He tells us in addition to him not being part of their alliance, he and Ev both have strong teams so they’re better off sending one or both home before the final challenge. He’s not happy about it, but at least he understands why he’s going in (unlike last time, when his own alliance sacrificed him for no apparent reason). Awww, Landon, please, PLEASE win this.

And then Teej drops a bong- I mean, bomb- and tells them to get ready for Exile RIGHT NOW. The teams going in are surprised, but the teams sitting cozily on the couch are downright FLABBERGHASTED. The shocked reaction shots abound as Ev tells us she’s pumped. She also realizes she should make nice with Wheezy so they can work better together in Exile. He’s probably been toking with Teej, because he’s still laid back and chill about the whole thing.

Look out guys, Evan’s in the house! I bet Kenny takes this off the wall at night and cuddles with it in his bed. Then it whispers sweet nothings and strategies into his ear while he sleeps.

Landon’s giving Carley a sweet little pep talk, but she’s still way more nervous than the last Exile, which is totally valid. Sidenote: if I were ever on this challenge, Landon would totally be my dream partner. He’s definitely the best combo of sweetness and strength and just general awesomeness.

Ev is stomping around, huffing and puffing like she’s about to blow the damn house down. The non-Exile teams stand around, all thinking (and hoping) that Landon wins the Exile. Good, so everyone’s pretty much on the same team, except for Ev (and Ass yelling at his TV).

And now it’s time for the Exile- Weight for Me: Blackout (I’ll pretend it’s in honor of Tonya). Ev and Wheezy finish the first puzzle first, but Landon and Carley are right behind them and manage to take the lead since they’ve used the weighted bags and buckets before and are able to fill them more quickly.

Ok, I didn’t notice this when I first watched the episode, but they all have red lights on their crotches, and I find this hilarious. Brings new meaning to the term “Red Light District.”

Anyway, they’re all on their way now, and struggling up the hill in the dark. Wheezy keeps going down (as in falling down, get your mind out of the gutter) and Ev is pissed. I feel like I’ve typed “Ev is pissed” about 89328 times in the last 2 weeks.

Landon and Carley reach the next puzzle first, but she’s already delirious. Ev is grunting and groaning and I have a horrible suspicion it’s what she sounds like in bed. BRB while I try to scrub my brain of that image.

Much better. Gotta get as many Landon screencaps in as possible in case this is his last episode.

Landon finishes the puzzle, but Carley is slurring and staring into space and poor Landon is just looking for some semblance of coherence. Hey, this Exile really IS in honor of Tonya! Anyway, Ev and Wheezy get to the puzzle while she’s still standing there, and I officially start to worry. And holy crap, Landon carries ALL of the weight, and she’s still delirious so he’s also pushing her up. Good lord, this guy is seriously Superman. On top of that, he totally keeps his cool and tries to encourage Carley, but still stays so damn nice about it. They get to the next puzzle, and if they finish it they can subtract 5 minutes from their time.

Ev and Wheezy get there, and Ev decides to skip it and take the 5 minute penalty. Wheezy’s not so sure, and they yell for a few seconds as they get their weight and keep moving. I am hoping against all hope that this is a hint telling us that Landon wins, because if I have to substitute the eye candy and all around mushy feelings that I get from Landon with Wheezy’s whiny voice and Ev’s ‘roid rage, I am going to be very annoyed.

Landon finishes the puzzle and tells Carley to slap herself a little bit to wake herself up, but she’s still a friggen mess. I seriously have never seen anyone this fucked up while SOBER on a Challenge before.

She’s like the love child of Tonya and Gary Busey… on Quaaludes.

Ev and Wheezy cross the finish line and celebrate by screeching, but Teej informs them that Landon finished the puzzle, so they still have to wait 5 minutes to see who the official winner is. But WE have to wait an entire WEEK because tonight is this season’s requisite “To Be Continued…” episode. As Sawyer would say, “Son of a bitch!” I’m just sitting here willing Carley to get up and finish because as I mentioned, I cannot deal with Wheezy’s voice or Ev in general, especially without Landon’s smiling face.

So, we’re getting very close to the end now. The only team that irritates me now is Ev and Wheezy, otherwise I’m good with anyone in the final. This week’s challenge was so much fun to watch, and the Exile was pretty suspenseful, but not much else happened. I guess that’s what happens as we get closer to the end and over half the teams are gone. Also, I’m torn between finding Carley’s incoherence hilarious and being genuinely concerned for her health. Who’s everyone rooting for, and have any of you changed your mind at all? Is anyone actually rooting for Ev to win this Exile? And is anyone else as worried as I am that Landon is going to lose?