The Challenge: No Beer for Breakfast

First off, I have to say that oh man, you guys are the best. I am so glad other people care about this show as much as I do.

This week’s episode leads off with Ass and the Evster going all Ferdinand and Isabella on a defenseless CJ. He finally admits to lying about completing part of the Exile and tells them about MTV’s sudden “No Beer for Breakfast” rule. They want to know why he lied to his own alliance, and he doesn’t say it but I’m guessing he was just trying to fit in. Ev tells us that once someone lies, they are never to be trusted again. Says the girl who’s busy crawling up Ass’… ass.

“Challenge confuse CJ. Want go home now. Banana?”

Ass tells us that CJ failed on his recon mission, and it wasn’t his fault but he still messed up. Apparently lying to Ass’ faces constitutes “asking for it.” Asking for what, pray tell? A hit from TJ’s bong? Cuddle time with the assorted moose and bison found around the house? Five goddamn minutes without hearing Ass say “I’m the MASTERMIND behind this GAME.” Oh wait, that last one came from my bucket of wishes.

Oh, sweet relief, it’s time to check in with Kenny’s alliance. He and Laurel can’t wait to send Ass and the Evster in against each other. I hope that happens soon, because I am very much looking forward to it. Of course, he’s saying all of this to Ryan, who is still technically on both alliances, so he looks ridiculously uncomfortable and Kenny’s dumb (but pretty) ass doesn’t even notice.

Holy crap! Clue time already? Damn, this episode means serious business. Sydney makes the requisite product placement announcement and I guess Mandi’s been even more out to lunch than I thought because this is seriously her reaction:

“Lyke, OMG, a clue? I’m so good at this u guyz. I help Steve and Blue solve their clues ALL THE TIME!”

Carley tells us there aren’t many teams left, and the only thing that will keep them there is to keep winning. It sounds like there was a second part to that sentence, but either MTV cut it off or it got lost in the vast abyss where Carley’s brain should be.

And if you thought I was done finding the spirits of Alumni past, you are wrong. Heeeere’s Tonya!

Today’s challenge is starting about 10 minutes earlier than usual, so you know it’s got to be a good one. It’s called “Turnstyle” and the competitors have to see who can push a log 180 degrees with other teams pushing against them. For the first 2 rounds, the teams have to pair up with another team. Kenny and Laurel get first pick since they have won approximately 9213029 challenges. They wisely pick the only team they can fully trust, Jill and Pete. Ryan and Theresa choose Landon and Carley since they’re the only team with a win besides Beauty and the Beast. Jenn and Noor take Ev and Luke, and that leaves Ass and Mandi with CJ and Sydney.

 

 

The first round is positively EPIC. Ryan/Theresa and Landon/Carley actually seem to have a bit of a lead at some point, but ultimately it’s pretty much a dead heat between them and Kenny/Laurel/Jill/Pete for over an hour. Landon tells us his complex strategy is: PUSH.

It’s Log, Log, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood. It’s Log, Log, it’s better than bad, it’s good!

Someone should tell mtv.com that they put the rough cut of this episode online, because the names were missing from the intro and they repeated the first part of the episode twice.

Anyway, once the hour mark has passed, Teej informs the crew that each team will have to give up one member in order to speed this up a bit. Naturally, the girls leave and the guys keep pushing. Landon and Ryan seem to be gaining a bit of ground, and everyone is screaming like mad from the sidelines. Suddenly, Pete gets a burst of energy and he and Kenny manage to take out Landon and Ryan. It’s a lot more exciting to watch than it is to write/read about.

After it’s over, the guys all collapse. Literally, right next to their logs. They’re exhausted, and I can tell they mean it because they’re shaking involuntarily. Poor, poor Lando can barely even drink his water.

 

Meanwhile, Evster and the Ass have gotten an idea. To try to take over THE WORLD. Just kidding. Their plan involves Ev throwing the challenge so that a well-rested Ass and CJ can face an exhausted Kenny and Pete. Their round starts, and poor Jenn and Noor are first confused, then pissed. Especially when Ev literally walks around to the other side of the log and starts pushing. Noor tells us he can’t believe an “athlete” like her would throw a challenge. Clearly, he missed the last one. It’s weak, for sure, but at least this time it’s strategic instead of personal. And she’s not crying hysterically.

So now it is time for Kenny/Laurel and Jill/Pete, who have just been through an epically exhausting round, to face Ass/Mandi and CJ/Sydney, who have just taken a nice little stroll in a half-circle that contained a log. Laurel/Jill instantly destroy Mandi/Sydney’s ground. The guys are a bit more evenly matched, but Kenny/Pete still overtake Ass/CJ for the win. Seriously, Big Bad Ass? You just fucking lost that? HAHAHAHA! Ridiculous. Maybe the producers paid him to, or something, but holy crap. That was hilarious.

All of the quality time Kenny has spent with Evan’s Canadian log is finally paying off!

Kenny takes all of the credit, obviously. Ev’s mind is boggled, and she echoes my own thoughts when she calls them “pathetic.” No kidding. Also, much as a I hate to admit it, Kenny is looking really good right now, probably because he’s too weak and exhausted to tell us how awesome he is. I actually do find him attractive, I just hate to admit it because even though he doesn’t read this, I feel like it would still contribute to his massively bloated ego somehow. Fun fact: they actually used his over-inflated ego to fill all of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloons and still didn’t make a dent.

Of course, this means that the final heat comes down to Kenny/Laurel vs. Jill/Pete. Since they anticipate that whichever team doesn’t win will be sent into Exile, they decide it’s not worth it to exert any more energy. Kenny and Laurel agree to let Jill and Pete have the victory since they just went into the last Exile and K/L have a better shot at winning. They also think that most teams will be afraid to face K/L in Exile.

Ryan tells us that for the first time in weeks he has no idea how the deliberation will go down, which is fine with me. A little suspense is what has been missing these past few episodes. Ev is pissed that K/L still have control.

Jill and Pete are contemplating who they’re going to send into Exile, like it’s their choice.

Let’s not forget that this is the girl who “chose” Frank, so perhaps free will was not meant for her.

They want Ass vs. Ev, and Ryan promptly tattles. Ass and the Evster reach the conclusion that they must send Landon/Carley in against CJ/Sydney. Then, suddenly, the plan is to have Jill/Pete send in CJ and then vote in Kenny and Laurel. Ev tells us that she is determined not to let Kenny reach the end.

They let Landon in on their plan, but he’s not really into it since CJ is the only person he can trust. The house is pretty clearly divided into pairs at this point: Ev/Ass, Kenny/Jill, Jenn/Ryan, and Landon/CJ. Ass is confused by this concept of “friends.”

Ass has now decided that manipulating Kenny is the way to go. He tells Kenny to have Jill/Pete throw in Landon/Carley and then everyone will vote in CJ/Sydney. Ass talks in circles until Kenny’s empty, helium-filled head damn near pops. Ass and Ev convince Kenny to follow their plan, and at this point all I can think is “SERIOUSLY, KENNY?!?!? You’re still listening to these fucktards?!” And then I have to hear Ass tell us “I’m the mastermind behind this game” YET AGAIN. He’s glad he still has control over Kenny. Kenny knows they could pull the wool over his eyes, and tells them “Don’t fuck me.” That seems to be his mantra for this challenge, both literally and figuratively.

At the Exile Vote, Pete sends in Landon, which seems to surprise Jill.

Apparently she missed the fine print in her contract informing her that in order to have any say, one must “be a man or be manly enough to occasionally be confused for one.”

The rest of the teams unanimously vote in CJ and Sydney, and she did not seem to expect it. I guess it’s one of those “sacrifice the new guy” days. We haven’t had as many as usual. And considering I could care less about CJ/Sydney, I am rooting for Landon/Carley all the way in this one.

He’s even wearing his pants that represent how I feel about him. <333 Landon <333

The Exiled teams have a BFFL Convention to express their sadness over having to face each other in elimination. Landon’s sick of the honest people getting screwed over. And I love Landon, but he can’t really be surprised by this, can he? CJ babbles and mumbles and stutters. Carley drawls too slowly for me to comprehend.

Jill asks Kenny what the hell he was thinking listening to those fools AGAIN. Thank you, Jillian. Kenny explains that what he has essentially done is expose Ass and the Evsters’ lies and manipulation, to the point that even their one returning alliance member won’t trust them. And it sort of makes sense, but I bet someone just whispered that to Kenny and he’s hoping it’s true. He tells us that he should write a book about dismantling an alliance… “by Mr. Beautiful.” Hahaha, like Kenny can write. He’s just glad this all worked out in his favor, thanks largely to his awesome partner. He tells us that Ass and the Evster are just “scared little kittens who have nothing left.” Don’t you love the mental image of their faces on tiny, cold, wet, shivering kittens alone in a dark alley somewhere? Nothing against kittens, of course.

And that concludes this episode of “WTF, Kenny?” starring Jillian as VirginiaApple’s brain.

Ev asks Landon if she can explain herself, and he awesomely tells her he doesn’t want to hear it. Damn straight, my love. Ass says he can’t even look CJ in the eye, and he’s sorry and hopes they can be friends. Ummm… like you and Danny?

Ryan and Jenn are cuddling in bed and musing about Ass’s alliance getting crushed. Methinks Kenny might be the way to go now, guys.

Getting ready for the Exile, Landon tells us he’s confident but he know things can go wrong so he’s staying humble and focused. Ass is hoping for a CJ/Sydney win because Landon is much harder to manipulate. Which is one of many reasons I heart him and hate Ass.

Teej explains the Exile, so now CJ and Sydney know how their lie SHOULD have gone. It’s the one with the weight racks and the weighted bags, and the traveling up the mountain. Landon knows he can run and carry weight, but he’s worried about the puzzles. I would be too if my partner was Carley. I don’t know whether to be worried about my beloved Landon because I have no idea what to expect from CJ/Sydney.

Landon and Carley finish the first puzzle quickly and are giddy as schoolgirls. So am I. They reach the next puzzle and seem to do all right with it. Of course, they have no competition whatsoever since CJ/Sydney are still at the start line. By the way, they totally have less weight than when Kenny/Laurel had to do this one.

…. And in what is quite possibly the least suspenseful elimination round ever in the history of the universe, Landon and Carley cross the finish line while CJ and Sydney are still working on that first puzzle. And in case you were not aware, allow me to explain that this first puzzle is essentially a SEVEN-PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE. Teej congratulates my lover and his partner on their dominating performance. And while they’re enjoying the view from the finish line, CJ and Sydney FINALLY finish the goddamn fish puzzle and start the Exile.

Well, that’s one very literal way to extend your 15 minutes of fame.

They FINALLY reach the finish line, and when CJ calls out for Landon, Teej tells them he’s not there. Sydney actually asks if they crossed yet. Does she think they became invisible and she passed them? Teej, bless his heart, cannot stop laughing, which makes me happy to see him express such joy.

That display of pathetic-ness was so prominent it broke through the brick wall that is Teej’s purple haze.

Kenny welcomes Landon back but gets all sinister via confessional, telling us Landon won’t come back next time he’s sent to Exile. Listen, Kenny, I’m starting to like you again. Don’t ruin it by being mean to Landon.

Ev gives Landon a puppy dog face and asks if they can be friends again. And since puppies are something Landon understands and likes (other examples include rainbows, sunshine, and silly gooses), he falls for it.

Kenny convenes with Pete, Ryan, and Jenn. Ryan and Jenn seem to realize that they’ll be better off on Kenny’s alliance. Pete’s pretty face tells us that everyone is FINALLY ready to send in Ass vs. Ev next week. They toast to being the final four.

This episode was all work, no play. I’m still hoping Landon can make the final. One of the “final four” is going to have to go into an Exile at some point, so it’s not a done deal. At this point I’d just like to see Ass and Ev go home. For once Kenny has actually earned a place in the final, I’ve got to respect the way Ryan and Jenn played both sides, and you all know I love having Pete on my TV. Also, I completely agree with those of you who said Kenny is much more likeable without Evan and Johnny. I used to love Kenny and Evan, then (especially on the last challenge) they were just insufferable. And I do think Kenny is playing a character to a large extent. What do you guys think? And will next week FINALLY be the week Ass and Ev get sent into Exile?