The Challenge: Not Too Old For This Sh**

When this episode starts off, everyone is having a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time, with “Yee haw’s” aplenty. Apparently Carley likes to have fun and let her “Britney” out to play.

Conveniently, Sydney is there with a “Fresh Meat II” flag handy to spare the rest of us. My, we’ve come so far since Teck and Ruthie’s blurry genitals in Hawaii.

Sandy tells us she wants to win the money, but she also wants to have fun because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Unless you’re… any of the alumni, or the other 50 alumni who are not on this particular challenge. But sure, we’ll go with “once in a lifetime.”

Kenny informs us that he is running a circus in this house. Quick, someone stuff these clowns into a tiny car and drive it off a cliff! Wheeeee! Just kidding. Who would entertain me if that happened? Anyway, Kenny’s got his misfits, and Wes’ people are apparently even bigger misfits…

… And poor little Aziz just wants to realize his dream of becoming a dentist.

We’re cool with me calling him Aziz from now on, right? Between his tiny-ness, his Middle Eastern-ness, and his constant wisecracking, he’s like a real-life version of Tom Haverford. But back to Kenny. He tells us everyone wants to be on his side because he’s winning, but as soon as he starts losing, he’s got to watch his ass because Evan’s not here to make sure it’s treated with the tender loving care it deserves.

Jenn and Pete make out under some blankets on a couch while Ryan watches…

“I just ate a grape and I jizzed in my pants.”

The next morning, Ryan tells Jenn that he lives vicariously through her. Me too, Ryan. Jenn tells us that she and Pete don’t even talk, they just make googly eyes at each other and then make out heavily. Sometimes that’s the best way to go.

Ryan and Jenn are getting stressed and homesick now that we’re almost at the halfway point. Awww, already? Jenn’s pretty sure Beauty and the Beast are going to continue to dominate the challenge and Ryan agrees. They realize they’re going to have to choose which alliance to go with sometime soon.

Emo guitar chords tell us that shit is about to get serious. Danny tells Mandi that while he has best friends in Boston, Wes is, lyke, his bestest EVARRRRR. He would even DIE for him. We get a flashback to their season in Austin, where Wes is there to hug Danny when he finds out his mom died. Danny loves him like a brother and would never turn his back on him. I’m sure Wes feels the same way… off camera? Maybe?

Danny tells Mandi about missing his mom and I’m just going to leave it at that because as annoying and dumb as I find Danny, I can’t make fun of this. I can, however, be amused by how utterly uncomfortable Mandi looks during this.

“Ummm… I had a fish who died? His name was Bubbles? My daddy flushed him down the crapper.”

Wes tells us that Danny is one of his best friends, but the second you start being emotional you are a target. Which… isn’t that ALWAYS for Danny?

Clue time! Ev whines because apparently this challenge will involve water and heights, and she’s sick of it. Methinks she’s more bitter about losing the “toughest girl” throne to Laurel, but whining won’t help that.

The Brain Trust and CJ sit around to decide how to use their powers of manipulation this week. They have the same strategy as last week, which means that if Kenny wins, Ryan will give him a name and in exchange Jill will be voted in to save Ryan. The question, of course, is which team they will throw in, since they are running out of people who are not in their alliance. Wow, what a difficult position to be in. Wes wants to know if they should pick out of a hat. CJ, still trying to convince everyone that he and Sydney actually completed part of the Exile, doesn’t think he should have to be sacrificed again. Ev just thinks she shouldn’t have to go in when Danny sucks so spectacularly.

And going up against the Captain of Tears would be such a terrible strategy for the final challenge? Yay, Challenge logic is my favorite!

Wes has decided that he is capable of convincing Danny to go in “on his own.” This will be the ultimate test of their friendship: Will Wes’ manipulation be enough or will Danny find some little spark buried in the cobwebs of his brain and realize his alleged BFFL is throwing him under the bus? Wes justifies it by telling us Danny is not doing him or his wife (I guess he married Melinda?) any favors being at the Challenge.

Ev is obviously all for Wes “convincing” Danny to go in since it’s what she wants and he’ll end up taking the shit instead of her. Wes asks how he’s supposed to do what he just volunteered to do and everyone is all “That’s all you, dude.”

Wes sits Danny down and gets all snuggly in his blanket. He starts off by blaming Sandy for their uselessness, but Danny doesn’t want to hear it. Wes tries again but Danny doesn’t want to hear that either. So Wes asks how Danny would like him to say it. Hahahaha, awesome. Danny shows more intelligence than I’ve ever given him credit for (which isn’t much, but still) and realizes that Wes is just throwing him in to put off having to go in himself.

Seriously, Wes, when even DANNY sees through you, stop pretending you’re doing the right thing. Danny says he came into the game with a handshake and “old friendships” with Wes and Ev, which is interesting because I remember Wes saying back in week 1 that he and Ev had the “strongest handshake in the game.” It is also interesting because wasn’t Ev a last-minute replacement? Danny thinks they should throw CJ in every time since he’s the new guy, which is usually how these things work. Wes says CJ will switch sides if that happens, which shouldn’t matter because can’t he just get Jenn and Ryan’s votes instead? Danny says if he comes back he’ll switch sides, which Wes doesn’t seem to find threatening at all since he clearly doesn’t think Danny will come back.

Danny heads up to the rest of the alliance, where Landon asks what he’s thinking. He’s not sure what this newfangled ‘thinking’ concept is, but he does manage to tell them that he’s offended they didn’t invite him to their Shit on Danny Party.

All while posed like Jesus Douche.

Landon tells us he knows Wes (heretofore referred to as Ass) is screwing Danny over, but he’s going to let it happen to save himself. Danny is offended to have been written off as the worst team in the house. Ass generously tells him that even if he’s “debatably the second worst team” it doesn’t matter. Danny concedes to the first part of his ass-raping- going into Exile- but would like to go against Ryan and Theresa. Ass is having none of that, because they are a “big tool” in his “tool belt.” And he is a tool who would like to continue to bang Theresa. And because Ryan and Theresa are being saved for Ass to use as his own opponents.

Challenge Day! It’s freezing! Literally, it’s 32 degrees. Awesome, have fun with that one fools!

Today’s challenge is to climb a rope ladder up to a platform, then another rope ladder across to another platform. Then both team members must jump to reach a canvas bag and hang from it for 5 seconds. If they fall, they have to start over and there is a 15 minute time limit.

As usual, Ev and Luke are first and she’s sick of being the guinea pig. Ev falls twice and they don’t finish before time is up. Landon and Carley are up next, and this happens:

I’d give it a 3.2 for Skill, and a 7.8 for Britney Exposure.

She comes up wailing incoherently and for a second I’m legitimately concerned she’s given herself (more) brain damage. Aziz tells us she sounds like a pregnant manatee or a dying whale. To her credit, she climbs up again… and falls again. Needless to say, time runs out.

CJ and Sydney are the first to complete it, and the trick seems to be for the guy to jump first and lean the bag toward the platform so the girl can reach it more easily. Bet Ev and Carley wish they had the chance to figure that out. Ass and Mandi complete it even faster, and while Mandi may not be the best competitor, she’s light years ahead of Casey, who would be crying while clinging to the third rung of the rope ladder until time ran out.

Danny and Sandy are up next, and she’s ready to prove herself since she knows they’re on the chopping block. She does this by… standing on the platform while Danny hangs from the punching bag, telling him she can’t jump that far until he falls and time runs out. Ryan and Theresa do surprisingly well and have the best time so far by a pretty wide margin. Jenn and Aziz get a nice punk rock soundtrack for their turn, and Jenn hilariously tells him to “keep ‘em wide, keep ‘em wide.” I guess that’s their team motto? It must have worked, because they do well, but not as well as Ryan and Theresa.

Jill and Pete climb up quickly enough, then he jumps to the punching bag and they just yell at each other until time runs out. She was afraid of them falling and him landing on her. Oh, Jill, stop it with the thinking. That’s getting you nowhere fast. Kenny and Laurel unsurprisingly “kill it” to use one of my favorite Challenge terms. Their height is once again an advantage, as they seem to have a much easier time reaching the bag than Ryan/Theresa and Jenn/Aziz.

What do you know? Kenny and Laurel win! Poor Ryan is really sad, and I actually feel bad for him because everyone thinks he sucks but he’s been doing well. Danny tells Ryan he would want to face him in Exile. It’s a desperate move, but a pretty smart one for Dumbass Danny since Ryan is holding a lot of cards right now. Kenny’s going to let Ryan decide the first Exile pick, and Ryan might not pick Danny if he thinks he’ll get sent in against him.

And poor Ryan just does not understand why more people aren’t afraid of him and his scarf, which is just so fetch.

At Exile nominations, Kenny and Laurel go the predictable route and send in Team Summer Nights. Laurel tells us it’s their best move because if Ryan and Theresa go in, they can probably beat Danny and Sandy. Ev nominates Jill and Pete to go against them, which prompts a hilarious double take from Ryan. Ass whines that if Danny can’t beat Jill and Pete in Exile then he doesn’t deserve to be there. Kenny, from his increasingly higher horse, tells us that Ass is now sacrificing his own teammates for his own good and he’s going to burn them all, and Kenny can’t wait to see it happen.

Danny tells Landon and CJ that they won’t get Ryan when they have to go into Exile either, because Wes and Ev are saving him for when they have to go in. YES! Plant the seeds, Danny, plant the seeds. I can’t wait for Landon to stage an uprising and show all of these fools how it’s done.

Ass continues to justify his bullshit by telling us that he didn’t betray Danny. Except that YOU TOTALLY DID, ASSHOLE. THIS is why I hate this buffoon, thank you for reminding me. Let’s not forget the last Challenge, when Wes and Ev threw a furniture-demolishing hissy over being thrown in by people who openly admitted what they were doing was shady, but they didn’t care. And let us ALSO remember that these are the SAME people that Ass continually told he wanted to screw them over, and he then proceeded to try to throw challenges. And then he gets offended when they don’t trust him? REALLY?! But throwing in his best friend to save people who are going to turn on him anyway is somehow fair and justified? REALLY?! Obviously Ass is in this for himself, which is fine, but STFU with this “I’m so honorable” nonsense. HONESTLY.

Okay, I feel better now. I am glad that Landon is wise to his ways and hope that goes somewhere.

Exile Morning, everyone says their good lucks to the Exiled teams. Jenn tells us she doesn’t like or want to date Pete, but she doesn’t mind making out with him or sleeping in his bed. In case I haven’t been clear, I wouldn’t mind doing those things either.

Seriously, Pete, if your sleepy face is reading this… call me.

The first puzzle is an adding numbers one, and since Sandy is Asian, they finish that puzzle first. Danny and Sandy want this SO BAD, dontcha know. Jill and Pete are not doing as well as they did the first time. I’m rooting for my eye candy to win, obviously. Jill’s huffing and puffing and Danny and Sandy are ahead at the midway point, which scares both Pete and me. They keep their lead through the last puzzle, but their backpacks are weighing them down, literally. Danny even breaks a stick to make a walking stick for Sandy, which give me some hope. Both teams are heading desperately toward the finish line…

… and we have our requisite cut back to the van pulling up to the house with comments from the peanut gallery. Carley drawls that if Danny comes back he’ll be the Mayor of Bittertown and want to side with Kenny.

Jill and Pete win! But Danny is RIGHT THERE! No bullshit, this is the view from the finish line right after Jill and Pete cross it:

“Stranded, at the Exile… branded a fool…”

Sandy’s proud of herself, and glad Danny pushed her. Danny’s just defeated by all of the backstabbing and whatnot, because we all know that shit never changes. It’s why we keep watching, even when we’re years older than the audience for this show should be.

Speaking of, Ass needs to get the last word in as always. He tells us again that he didn’t screw Danny over, then says he hopes Danny thinks long and hard and apologizes for Ass for being and asshole. Oh man, if I was Danny, after I saw this, I would give Ass an eternal “Fuck you very much.”

Wizard… of… ASS!

Ryan’s still playing both sides, Ass still has control but hopefully not for long, and Jenn is still enjoying making out with Pete, and also watching him strip down and get into the hot tub. She tells us Pete is just her makeout buddy, and there’s nothing strategic or “underlining” about it. LOL I love it when they can’t get simple words right.

Well, that seemed like a bit of a setup episode to me. And hopefully this will pay off big with the Landon rebellion I’ve been waiting for. The next episode looks good, and it features the epic log pushing from the promos. Anyone else enjoying oogling Pete like me? Who are you rooting for? For me it’s Team Landon, followed by Kenny & his alliance, followed by Ev & everyone else, followed by Ass. Seriously, fuck that guy. And it’s just him, too. Ev hasn’t bothered me at all so far this season. What did you guys think of how Ass treated Danny? I think you know how I feel. So sorry this recap was late, technology and I are in a fight.