This season on The Challenge RIVALS: CT gave Laurel a heart, and Cara Maria ensured that it grew three sizes that day- that’s right, she’s the Tin Grinch. Laurel, in turn, gave Cara Maria the courage to give Wes a glorious verbal smackdown, which has been the best moment CM has had yet on these things. Ev has always had a brain, and this season she decided to use it by avoiding the drama, acting as the voice of reason, and (against all odds) leading Paula Walnuts to her first miraculous victory.
And Jenn and Mandi, well, they just got to go home.
MikeRoy were the Little Engines That Could, until they sadly just couldn’t anymore. If the unfortunate circumstance ever arises in which Wes and Kenny each find someone with which to produce offspring (has Evan given birth yet?), they will undoubtedly form the modern-day equivalent of the Montagues and the Capulets. With any luck, it will be settled in a Jets/Sharks style dance-off… televised, of course. And of course, there was drastic development in the story of When Johnny Met Tyler.
Most of the big drama, though, revolved around CT. Could he and Adam get along after so many fights, one of which was possibly the biggest in Challenge history? With the Douche Brigade gunning for him “from day 1″ (DRINK!), would he manage to keep his cool in spite of his historically hot temper? How many of the young ladies’ hearts would he steal? The answers to those questions are yes, pretty much, and two- although that last one is pretty impressive since he presumably had to create Laurel’s heart out of thin air and THEN steal it.
And now it is time for our Challengers to reunite for a few more fights. Who is getting along, who still hates each other, and who has found a new enemy? Will Evan arrive with baby in tow, and will Maria Menounos reveal the results of his paternity test? (WE ALL KNOW IT’S KENNY, JUST ADMIT IT.)
Full disclosure: Reunions make my brain explode a little bit, but I’ll strive to make some sense of it. Our first burning question: During introductions, who received the biggest round of applause? CT and Ev seemed to get the loudest reception, but Ev was introduced first and CT was last. And who was smack in the middle and gave them a run for their money?
Proposed sitcom names: B*R*O*S, Mike and Roy, Everybody loves MikeRoy.
Love it. Take note, MTV: We like to watch some decent human beings once in a while, too. Oh, by the way, since I haven’t actually clarified this yet: Present at the reunion are all of the final teams, along with CT and Adam. I guess they figured if they brought Evan back, they’d have to build a bigger stage to make room.
We get a montage of the final challenge, which can be relived in excruciating detail via my last recap. I’m still amused by how excited Paula is by her win, while Ev just looks like she wants the banshee to stop screaming in her face.
First, Maria brings up Paula’s first win in her eight Challenge appearances. Everyone gives her a round of applause. Guess what? Walnuts it happy, and she never thought her first win would be with Ev. Well of course not, she thinks the only way to win is through the guys. She says the bragging rights are more important than the win, and if she didn’t win she wouldn’t go outside.
The streak is over, Susan Lucci Paula Walnuts! … “You like me, you really like me!” … That’s Sally Field, and you said it wrong. … “I am unaware of these people. Are they from that archaic franchise known as Road Rules?”
Johnny gives us the obligatory “hardest final EVER” spiel, although in this case I believe it. Laurel jumps in to say that production gets ideas from the hell week training programs for Navy SEALS, who, as I understand it, pretty much the toughest Americans in existence. It is so gratifying to know that these individuals, many of whom are capable of such things, are using their skills for reality television instead of America. Thanks, guys.
Maria claims that Jenn and Mandi were taken out by a “puzzle.” Jenn says she was relieved when they were DQ’ed, and the only reason she “tried” at all is because she had a partner.
“It is totally the food poisoning’s fault that I failed to complete the final for the third consecutive time.”
Jenn goes on to say that she performed like shit and didn’t contribute anything to the final. Nice to know she’ll admit that she didn’t contribute when she has a convenient excuse. Mandi says she felt like she was to blame, but she barely gets a sentence out before Maria suddenly (and loudly) turns her attention to Kenny.
“I do not care for the blathering of this blonde girl. I shall now focus on People I Want To Bang.”
Maria asks Kenny how 2nd place feels, and he sarcastically says that his third 2nd place feels awesome. Thanks for that insight!
CT jumps in to say that he’s sad listening to all of this final talk since he wasn’t there. Adam says “it’s been chapping my ass for, like, four months.”
That has nothing to do with missing the final, Adam, it’s just aftermath from banging Jenn. The doctor is your friend.
MikeRoy time! Maria calls them the “Rookie Superstars,” which is something I can totally get behind. Maria asks if Roy Lee was really that cool when MikeMike had to throw in the towel. Roy says he totally was, since they didn’t show that he had already given up. Mike quotes him as saying “This ain’t worth no fucking 50 grand.” Roy also points out that Mike could have fallen, and it’s not worth losing his “boy” over the money. Enjoy this perspective, it may be the last we see (although we still have to talk to Ev).
Mandi agrees that they all “freaking loved Mike,” which means we’re having one of those terrifying moments when Mandi is right. ”I just gave birth to three children, and I will NOT let them be raised in a world where Joey Mandi is right!”
Maria asks if Leroy was worried when he found out Mike was his new partner. Of course, Roy is too smart to take the “throw Mike under the bus” bait and says he was happy because of Mike’s puzzle skills. The other guys throw in their two cents about expecting a big, tough thug and being surprised by MikeRoy’s friendship. They compare him to the kid from Mad Magazine, which gives us this gem:
I don’t know what they’re talking about; this is what all of the thugs in my neighborhood look like. Of course, I live in CandyLand.
MikeMike speaks up to say of course he’s not in great shape. He also mentions that the other Challengers had a month and a half to prepare and he had a few hours, but Johnny points out that they could have called him a year and a half before and it wouldn’t have mattered. Please, please let MikeMike get massively bulked up and send Johnny home in a brute strength elimination round next season. Okay, okay, even in my blind love for MikeMike I know that’s a stretch. But Mike does correctly point out that he and Leroy never lost a challenge and always held their own.
Maria reads her next line: ”If there were a challenge called Big Ego, Kenny, there’s no way you’d DQ.” Cheesy, yet accurate. I think Maria might be under the impression that she’s practicing her wedding vows.
“Seriously, Maria? I’m sitting next to Wes and you’re calling out MY ego?”
Now, now, Kenny. You know you’re no slouch in the ego department. For the sake of Pete and his friend Bob, you call yourself Mr. Beautiful. After a montage of Kenny’s DQ’s, culminating in his badass move of throwing Wes over his shoulder like a Continental soldier during the final, all of the girls mock Wes’ “Do you really think you can?”
Maria asks Johnny whether or not Kenny deserved to be in the final. Wow, way to lob a softball question at one of Kenny’s butt buddies. Johnny claims that he’s played basketball with Kenny, and Kenny is one of the most unathletic people he’s ever met. However, Kenny and Tyler are the best at “being a goddamn horse” and going until they die. Johnny says he can only do something for 30 seconds, and makes the joke that this applies to the bedroom as well before I can. Meh, it was too easy anyway. So, we’re to understand that Johnny is a Half a Minute Man, and Kenny is hung like a horse and can go for hours? That’s what they’re saying, right? MP powers, activate!
Kenny says he told Wes from the beginning that Wes would need to help with the little challenges to get them to the final, but Kenny would kick ass when they got there. Maria asks if it was greed or friendship that made him carry Wes, and Kenny says it was his turn to pick up his partner’s slack. Kenny starts listing things he fell off of, concluding by joking that he fell out of his bed one night.
Well, shit, of course you did Kenny. Those beds are tiny, and you were probably trying to share one with The Thing That Ate Evan.
Anyone else notice that Kenny seemed to get his precious mojo back the INSTANT Evan was gone? Evan must have his own gravitational pull at this point, and once he was far enough away it wasn’t strong enough to hold onto Kenny’s mojo anymore.
Maria brings up Kenny’s outburst at the finish line, and Kenny lists all of the things he did for Wes: staying up with him all night, carrying Wes, carrying the rock, rowing the boat while Wes steered. He then says that for all of Wes’ talk about how stupid he is, Wes was laying down while Kenny did the puzzles. Holy shit, Kenny was doing a puzzle by himself and the combined brainpower of Johnny and Tyler STILL couldn’t catch up? For shame, boys.
Yay, it’s Ev’s turn to talk! She gets out half a sentence before Wes interrupts her. Anyway, she once again says what we’ve already discussed: Wes and Kenny were the only team in the final who still didn’t like each other. Wes pipes up to claim that he totally trusted Kenny, and Ev calls him out for saying exactly the opposite to her and everyone else.
“Ev, shhhh! If you tell the cool kids on me, they won’t let me hang out with them anymore!”
Johnny pipes up to remind everyone the Wes shat all over Kenny in his interviews. Wes admits to that but claims he was all smiles to Kenny’s face. Kenny says he asked Wes if he was talking shit in his interviews and Wes claimed he wasn’t, but then Kenny watched the season and… that’s the end of that sentence apparently. A lot of sentences don’t get finished during Reunions. Kenny compares Wes to cousin that you have to like since they all live in the house together and Wes stands next to him while he has breakfast, so he has to say hello. Maria asks Wes what happened to him during the final, and he says he was dehydrated and should run more than once a year. WTF kind of Greek god only runs once a year? Those fuckers INVENTED THE MARATHON for Zeus’ sake.
Wes acts like he’s some kind of hero for finishing the final when others in the past have been carted off in ambulances for similar reasons. Maria reminds him of that time he spent on Kenny’s shoulders, and Wes calls it the most embarrassing moment of his television career.
Wow! That’s like being the shortest midget; quite the accomplishment.
Wes claims Kenny only carried him for ten seconds, and Kenny claims the clip alone is longer than ten seconds. So, I guess Wes can’t comprehend lasting longer than ten seconds. I’m siding with Kenny here, mostly because Wes sucks but maybe Kenny is also right. Wes says that at least for those ten seconds he wasn’t being yelled at. Roy Lee (hey! I’ve missed him!) pipes up to tell them they should hug.
DRINK! every time Wes gets emasculated! (Don’t. That will kill you.)
Fight montage! Wes pours soda on Cara Maria, so she yells at Wes, so Paula yells at Cara Maria, so Laurel yells at Paula, so Tyler yells at Laurel, so I hit myself over the head with a blunt object. And later, for different reasons, Jenn yells at and then slaps CM.
Maria brings up the Jungle situation, but Jenn quickly shoots her down and insists she was yelling at CM for saying she slept with Adam. Apparently she told Laurel and CM to stand up and say they wanted Jenn/Mandi in the Jungle, and they didn’t. Yeah, cause they knew the rest of the house was blinded by your Vaginal Vortex. CM tries to speak, but Jenn is having none of that. Jenn claims that Laurel had been talking shit about CM, which Laurel denies. Laurel claims it’s all because Jenn was afraid to go against her in the Jungle, causing Jenn to get ridiculously pissed and call Laurel a sack of shit and claim she’s not scared. Bullshit, I say. She should be scared. Laurel has made it to the finals on all three of her Challenges, and she’s won elimination rounds each time to make it there.
Of course, if the competition involved Sluttin’ or Stank-Facin’ I stand corrected.
Maria bring up Wes starting the whole thing with the bottle of Cola, and he claims it wasn’t a random thing. He says they used to joke around with and make fun of each other, but one day she took it too far. Of course, the way the story is told here, we don’t get to hear HOW she allegedly took it too far, but whatever. Paula jumps in to ask when CM got Boston, and CT jokes that they’ve been training.
Wes says it’s his job to look like the asshole on the show, and for some reason brings up her dressing up in latex. ”So WHAT?” she asks as she stands up and strikes a pose, much to the delight of the audience and the other challengers. Wes backtracks to say that she looks good, but she acts all tough and then “turns into a four year old girl.”
Maria brings Paula and Laurel into it next. She asks Laurel how she felt after yelling at Paula, and Paula interjects that Laurel felt “nothing” because she is “soulless.” Paula claims that she didn’t say anything personal (examples include calling Laurel “Bigfoot” or “a giant”), and I think Laurel is trying to defend herself but I can’t tell because Paula is talking over her. She’s kind of acting like Kristen Wiig’s impression of Kathie Lee on SNL.
Laurel apologizes to Paula, but Paula does not accept. Jenn jumps in to say that Laurel is not remorseful and knows that Paula has been fighting anorexia for “a goddamn long time.” Jenn claims that Laurel is proud of her ability to hurt people, said to Jenn’s face that she didn’t feel bad, and is only putting on a show for the cameras. Well, whether that’s true or not, she’s doing a good job. It took Laurel all of one season of looking like a bitch to realize it and calm herself down on camera, meanwhile Jenn’s been doing this for like five years and still hasn’t figured it out. Maybe she should invest in some classes at whatever anger management school was able to tame CT and/or Laurel.
Let this be a cautionary tale to Emma Stone and Nina Dobrev: DO NOT go down the path of the Lohan, OR ELSE this is your future.
Maria asks Tyler if Paula can dish it but she can’t take it, and Paula answers by saying that is absolutely true. Well, at least she admits it. Laurel encourages people with eating disorders to eat. Maria sums up all of their behavior as unacceptable and asks if they’ve learning anything for next time. Well, shit, Maria, they sure as fuck didn’t learn anything the last seventeen times, so why should now be any different. Kenny pipes up to say they’re a bunch of lowlifes who won’t do anything different.
CT montage! Oh, and some Adam too. Maria asks CT if his bad boy image is legitimate, and he says it isn’t. He also says he’ll be the jerk and they can show it on TV all they want as long as they keep sending him all over the map.
Speaking of maps, I need one. Because I am lost in CT’s eyes.
Confession time, Gasmii: What really pushes CT over the edge for me is the Boston accent. I have a serious fetish for Boston accents. Random, I know.
Maria brings up CT’s temper, and he calls himself the big bad wolf. He says it’s because everyone in the house is against him. Johnny tries to blame it on CT always looking out for himself, like that’s the problem. He HAS to, idiot, everyone does, because of your stupid alliance. Tell me you’re afraid he’s going to kill you in your sleep, then MAYBE I’d feel bad for you, if you weren’t such a douchebag.
Wait, CT is making the same point! He says it must be nice for them to all show up with their best friends and he’s done trying to justify himself to them. Good for him. He then brings up Adam, the one with legitimate beef.
Am I the only one who thinks Legitimate Beef would make an excellent band name?
CT says he looks at Adam now with a different head and wonders how he ever could have fought the kid. He says he knows he’s tortured Adam, and he can say he’s sorry until he’s blue in the face, but he hopes the show has shed some light, or something. Adam seems to agree. CT says the Douche Brigade can sit there and act like he eats small babies all they want. Johnny asks how many times CT has called Adam since the show ended, and Adam admits that they actually have talked.
Ev points out that the guys go after CT because they’re afraid of him, and they should just admit it. They get all offended, especially Tyler, who says he would never accuse Ev of being afraid of Laurel or CM so she shouldn’t tell him he’s afraid of CT. Ummm, except that Ev has shown no signs of being afraid of anyone and you guys have, but whatever.
Maria asks Wes if he thinks CT has changed, and of course he says no. Wes claims they were sharing a bottle of vodka and shooting the shit, and CT tells him not to play the innocent victim. Wes says CT threatened to fly to Kansas and kill his family.
“But I DIDN’T fly to Kansas and kill his family. Progress!”
Let’s turn to the opinion that matters, Adam. Adam admits that CT’s intensity still scares him, but if they’re ever on another Challenge together, CT is his #1. CT asks if that means they’re friends now. Adam starts crying, saying you need a #1 on that show, and they hug. Wes and Kenny try to interfere, and Wes claims Adam has Stockholm Syndrome. How the FUCK does Wes know what Stockholm Syndrome is?! Next you’ll be telling me he’s literate or something.
CT claims that he’s not there to be anyone’s best friend (drink!), but he also won’t act like your best friend and then stab you in the back. He throws everything out on the table, and they don’t trust him because he (rightfully) doesn’t trust them. He says he would constantly walk into rooms and everyone would shut up because they had been talking shit about him. Johnny tries to ask CT if he was also talking shit, and CT awesomely asks why Johnny is making him out to be an ass, and “Why can’t you just let me shine right now?”
Has CT always been this funny, or is it a side effect of the tranquilizers they’ve been giving him?
“People change, Jawnny! Get over it!” CT concludes. Maria says CT took the loss well, and Adam agrees, saying he was scared. CT says he can’t be mad because Adam gave it his all. The only reason to be mad would have been if Adam had cut a deal behind his back.
Maria asks CM what her reaction was when she found out Laurel was her partner, and she jokes that she was just hoping Laurel could keep up with her in the challenges. More seriously, it made her step up so that she would look like a good competitor next to her partner. Laurel says her initial problem with CM was that she thought she would have to CM because CM didn’t make the cut. CM says they didn’t see eye to eye (because Laurel only sees eye to eye with giraffes) and she never thought they’d be friends. Laurel says CM needs more confidence, and everyone thinks she’s fake because of how she dresses when really she’s just figuring out who she is.
Maria asks Ev how she felt about being paired with Paula, and Ev insists that she was really happy because “Paula has always had all the potential in the world as a competitor.” She says Paula loses her confidence and thinks she needs the boys to win. Holy understatement, Ev. Ev thinks it was wonderful in this challenge that the guys couldn’t help her. Well, except for that whole “letting her go last and never voting her into the Jungle” thing, but Ev is making a good point so I’ll let it slide. Maria asks Ev if she could pick anyone, would it be Paula? Ev says it would, “without a doubt in my mind.”
“Do you hear me, MTV and Bunim-Murray? Paula is my BEST FRIEND, please pair us together FOREVER AND EVER. This is in no way reverse psychology.”
CM tries to say something, but Johnny groans loudly, apparently because other people are getting attention. ”Sorry, let’s talk about Johnny!” CM says, both sarcastically and awesomely.
“I don’t want to hear these goddamn women talk about their feelings in a positive way! If they’re not going to fight and be self-destructive for my amusement, they can shut the fuck up, tha dumb bitches.”
Maria asks Tyler how he went from being Johnny’s Kryptonite to his lucky charm, and (in what is quickly becoming tradition for all questions directed at Tyler) Johnny interrupts to crack that he came out of the closet. Mike (hi! I’ve missed you!) pipes up to say that he could tell CT/Adam and Kenny/Wes had issues, but Johnny and Tyler slept right next to each other, apparently in the same bed sometimes.
Maria asks CT if he has any new rivals, and he says he’ll start a fight with everyone except MikeMike to be on their team next time. Then he says he’d like to come back with Adam, his “140 pound chicken wing.” Adam pipes up to say he’s 155.
Ev says the new rivals from this Challenge are Laurel/Paula, Jenn/Cara Maria, CT/Johnny or Wes, Kenny/Tyrie (apparently), and Mandi/Theresa (who both fucked Wes, who is half asleep in the back).
Hookup montage! I feel dirty. Oh hey, commentary from Evan!
He wobbles, but he doesn’t fall down.
Mandi gets a round of applause and a partial standing ovation, for some reason. Maria brings up the various romances and asks Johnny why Laurel’s conversations with CT were such a cause for concern. Johnny says it’s because Laurel called the shots on her team, and Jenn elaborates that Laurel’s allegiance was more questionable. Well, they didn’t do themselves any favors by attacking her, especially since she never voted against them.
CT claims that his flirting wasn’t all strategy, and he was having fun. He says the girls are “young, hot, beautiful, got the world by the balls” and wonders what’s not to like about them. Give us a minute, I’m sure we can come up with a thing or twelve.
Mandi calls him out for the things he said in his interview, and he claims that he doesn’t think of her as a stupid bimbo, but she says that’s how she came across.
Holy shit, someone programmed the MandiBot to Self-Awareness Mode! Can we use this prototype to create this mode for the SpeidiBot?
Wes says Mandi’s a good friend of his and means a lot to him, and he didn’t really think of her as sloppy seconds because every girl he has sex with is somebody’s sloppy seconds. Mandi looks super-thrilled to hear this.
Jenn’s up, and says she regrets the harsh things she said about Adam. She says she’s apologized, and she apologizes again, and she doesn’t feel that way about him. Jenn claims that she made out with Adam multiple times, but it hasn’t continued and now they’re just friends. CT is muttering under his breath this entire time, encouraging Adam to speak up. Jenn goes back into her usual defensive mode, and says they’re just friends and she has a boyfriend.
Adam says he thought things would continue after the show (silly Adam! Tricks are for kids!), and Jenn may deny it but she liked him on the show. She always likes the guy/girl on the show, dude. It’s after the show when she stops giving a shit. Adam is bothered by how thoroughly she flipped out at the mere suggestion that they were sleeping together. Adam claims they had sex on the back of the bus and Tyler watched, while Jenn claims it was an “inappropriate” lap dance. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
It totally looks like Adam is telling the truth, because Jenn is still yelling and he is using all of his restraint to be the good guy and not say anything. (I read somewhere- Vevmo I think?- that he also said they fucked in the Miami airport, but that part must have been cut.)
Jenn accuses Adam of using her for credibility and throwing her under the bus, and FINALLY he reacts and says he’s not throwing her under the bus. Agreed, Adam. She is diving under every bus she can find. Jenn claims she’s not embarrassed of Adam so he should stop acting like he needs to prove something. Dude, NO ONE thought anything until you FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. You did this to yourself, wholly and completely, so leave poor Adam alone. He already got embarrassed on national television… on second thought, keep doing what you’re doing, because now he’s coming out smelling like roses and you’re only embarrassing yourself.
Shit, someone turn the MandiBot back on!
Laurel laughingly says that now we can see what’s real, causing Jenn to accuse her of fucking Paula’s ex-boyfriend, as if that (a)proves anything, (b)is a bad thing to do, or (c)matters in any way at all right now. Paula and Laurel clearly aren’t friends, and this is Paula’s EX-boyfriend, so what the fuck difference does it make? Also, why do they call him Lancey-pants? That reminds me of my tragic 14-year-old self’s crush on Lance Bass. Apparently I had terrible gaydar.
Oh, and Laurel denies fucking Lance/his pants (and Cara Maria comes to her defense), as if it matters. She says Jenn is psycho, and Jenn calls her a sloppy bitch. People in glass houses, Jenn. Put the rocks down.
Jenn threatens to punch Laurel in the face. I’m sure Laurel is shaking in her boots. Hey, apparently Jenn loves violence. That is SHOCKING. Jenn accuses Laurel of saying she’s better than everyone and putting herself on a pedestal. Maria pauses and says she doesn’t really know where to go from there, so how about a commercial break?
Hey Jenn, you should meet Coral. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she doesn’t wrestle, she fucking beats bitches up.
Montage! Lots of wacky hijinks and a SHITTON of blurry male body parts. There will be time for all of that next week. Memorable moments: MikeMike- climbing on top of Paula. Maria asks if that’s Paula’s most memorable moment. MikeMike hilariously throws up some air quotes and says she’s going to say no but she means yes. In typical MikeMike adorability fashion, it is best to witness it firsthand (or secondhand, I suppose, since it’s through the TV/computer). He then goes on to say that there’s a reason this is the first Challenge she’s won, and it might have been because of:
Her front row seats to the gun show! … or the water pistol show, I suppose.
Kenny is asked for his favorite memory, which was apparently one night when Adam was ass-naked. Way to put out those gay rumors, dude. Oh, and apparently he, along with Johnny and Evan, threw naked Adam into the bathroom while Theresa was taking a shit. Okay, that’s pretty funny, especially because I can’t stand Theresa.
MikeRoy say that Vegas doesn’t have shit on the debauchery in this house. Kenny says that as the all-time winner among people on the stage, he might as well do more Challenge, especially since he doesn’t have “shit else going on.” Oh, and apparently next season he’s going to become gay to get more airtime since he didn’t get any this season. Maria says it’s because he wasn’t winning, earning a chorus of “Ohhh’s.” Also, Kenny: it’s not called “becoming gay,” it’s called “coming out of the closet.”
And the closet door is made of glass. We can see how beautifully you and Evan have decorated for the baby.
And that’s a wrap on the Reunion! Is there anyone left who likes/wants to defend Jenn? Or Paula, for that matter? Or are they just picking fights so they have stronger partners for the next Rivals? Who was the most awesome: Ev, CT, or MikeRoy? Did this season/reunion redeem Laurel and/or CM at all for you? Since I shared my unapologetic love for Boston accents, what do you find irresistible? What really happened between Adam and Jenn? (They totally boned, right?) Where was Evan with the baby? Good lord, this reunion gave us more questions than answers!