The Challenge: Rapid Decline

Gasmii, do you know what song popped into my head the other day?  Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping.” And I started thinking, is there any song more appropriate for the Challenge than one whose lyrics are solely about falling down (and getting back up again) and drinking various types of alcohol?  I think not.  If I had the time and/or abilities, I would make a montage video of everyone falling down and drinking.  The “Oh, Danny boy” parts would obviously just be shots of Danny crying.

But enough of that mumbo jumbo, let’s get to the recap.  You’ve certainly been waiting long enough.  Previously:  Kenny’s suckage (at the Challenge, you perverts) continued, causing the Douche Trio to lose the D-day battle.  Clearly, this makes them the Nazi’s in this dumbass metaphor they’ve concocted.  Shockingly, in the Jungle, Wes managed to overcome Kenny’s failure to win.  This is probably solely because there was no strategy involved, because Wes fails at strategy worse than Kenny fails at, well, everything lately.

Some challengers are merrily partaking in drinking games, resulting in Laurel joking that MikeMike would yell out about his love of crop seeds during sex.  I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she’s lovingly teasing him instead of being rude since everyone should have been won over by MikeMike at this point.  It’s just what he does, guys.  He shows up all dorky and weird and then before you know it, you just want to hug him.  This theory is corroborated by CT and Skull Beads tickling him.

Shouldn’t you guys be poking Evan’s belly until he starts giggling about his delicious biscuits?

Sorry if some of you are sick of the fat Evan jokes, but I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to.  (BTW, y’all are KILLING me with the Evan is fat comments.  Keep them coming, please.)

In showmance news, Adam wants to kiss Jenn every time she walks into a room, and has for the past three years.  Every time, Gasmii, so don’t go thinking it’s only two out of three or anything weird like that.  On a scale of 1-10, Jenn is a 14.  And, more importantly, a DD.  Jenn and Laurel go swimming topless while Adam drools from the sidelines.  Tyler gets to swim naked with the topless girls cause he’s one of them queers.  Mandi screeches that her mother is going to kill her as her bikini top is literally ripped from her body.  Really, Mandi?  Telling CT you like to be choked it okay, but THIS is where you draw the line?

Anyway, Walnuts decides to go bottomless because she always has to do everything backwards, and the guys are all thrilled at this display of female body parts.  Johnny Bananas is proud of his partner, Tyler, for being “the man.”  I don’t think Tyler appreciates it the way you do, Bananas.

Brilliant plan, Bananas.  No one can see you peeking.  Ya dumb bitch.

Some of the more coherent challengers sit around chatting, and Sarah tells us that she’s a bit worried about her partner, Katelynn.  Apparently, Katelynn is good at things like video games, solving puzzles, and… Sarah cannot think of the all-important third thing that is needed to make a proper list.  Well, she did turn a penis into a vagina, so maybe she’s good at magic or wizardry?  Anyway, the point is that Katelynn’s physical abilities remain unproven.  This is frustrating for Sarah, since she is one of the more well-rounded challengers in terms of physical, mental, and emotional abilities.

Clue time.  WTF?  How did the ever-expanding Evan fit into that tiny box?  Good lord!  I suppose if 30 clowns can fit in a Volkswagen, this shouldn’t be that shocking, but still.

Pop goes the giant weasel!

Also, the look on MikeMike’s face in that picture is my favorite.  The clue is about paddling.  I don’t know why I even listen/write about the clue, since we’re going to find out what the challenge is in like a minute, but whatever.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  If you put Evan, Jonna’s hair, and Wes’ ego into the same room, that house is just going to explode.  I don’t know how there’s room for all three of them in Costa Rica, let alone in that house.

Oh, sorry, there’s also sort of a conversation happening here:  Jenn is telling Jasmine and Jonna (holy J overload, Gasmii!) that they should feel good since they’re rookies and they won a challenge.  How condescending of you, Ms. “This is my 498032th challenge and I’ve lost every single one!”  What do you know, Jasmine doesn’t like being treated like a baby.  Well, what do you expect when you’re the size of a toddler?  Jasmine promises us that she can be just as “in your face” as Jenn.  No one was questioning that, Little Miss Houston.

Jonna tells us that Jasmine is a negative Debbie Downer.  Jasmine tells us that Jonna is a bitch.  They’re fighting, and best I can tell it is literally over not being able to finish sentences.  If they’re fighting about something else, it’s lost on me because neither one of them manages to, you know… finish a sentence.  Jasmine tears off her mic and her shirt and walks away.  Also, she knocks over some plants.

Cleanup on Aisle Hissy Fit.

Poor furniture probably thought it was safe after Vegas Adam got sent home.  I’d hate to see what these fuckers could do to a Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Anyway, Jasmine is screaming about wanting to go home and Jenn and Evan try to talk her off of the metaphorical ledge.  Evan tells us that being there is difficult (yes, they have it SO TOUGH), and everyone has a breaking point, and Jasmine just reached it.  Wow, he managed to get through entire sentences without alluding to her being a weak/emotional female.  Of course, it could just be in the editing.

DRINK every time you find yourself wondering when Big Easy put all that weight back on… and then realize it’s just Evan.

Jonna tells us she’s fed up at this point and just wants to go to bed.  Evan tries to tell Jasmine what she’s doing wrong, and she screams “Get out of my face!” and then he’s throwing her over his shoulder (like a Continental soldier) and carrying her back inside.  I do not know what happened for real, but that is what happened on my screen.  Evan, who has been wearing a sleep mask on his head this whole time, holds Jasmine up next to Jonna and yells at them to say they love each other and that their partnership is 50/50.  He holds some sort of impromptu couples’ therapy session.

In the end, they can all go back to bed, and we can move on from this pointless screaming, so I suppose I’m thankful to Evan.  Oh, and Jasmine admits that she’s a handful, so… yay progress.

Challenge time!  ”Against the Current.”  They have to paddle upriver against some rapids until they get pushed past a designated spot, at which point they have to turn around and paddle down to the finish line as fast as they can.  Their time at the top will be deducted from their time at the bottom, so the longer they can paddle against the current, the better, and the faster they can paddle with the current, the better.  We even get helpful cartoon graphics to help us understand!  It totally makes sense, I swear.

Although, I bet it would make more sense (by which I mean be more fun) if Teej would share his stash with us.

Also, if they cross the finish line without their boat (after falling out), they have 30 seconds to get the boat across.  Now that there is a way to DQ, we know what Kenny will do.  (Yay rhymes!)  Fastest girls are safe, slowest girls are in the Jungle, fastest guys win 2 grand, which becomes less “interesting” every week since Teej is not sharing his stash.

Johnny and Tyler won the last challenge and are therefore tasked with the all-important ordering.  Obviously, CT and Adam are first, therefore giving Johnny a chance to “troubleshoot” because apparently he thinks this challenge involved Windows 98.  CT likens Adam’s rowing skills to “frosting a cake,” and Adam falls out midway through and has to hold onto the boat for dear life, but they still seem to finish strong.  CT and Adam : Kenny and Wes :: Evan : Mischa Barton.

The Cancun J’s finish without incident.  MikeRoy are up next, and Mike tells us that he’s never kayaked before, but he doesn’t think they’re doing it right since they’re going down backwards.  They appear to cross the finish line trapped under their capsized boat, but a finish is a finish either way.  Jenn and Mandi look like they barely even have to try, and finish with a good time.  Evan and Nehemiah seem to have a bit of difficulty, and Evan’s excuse is that he’s not Pocahontas.

Well, thank God for that, because then you would have eaten the settlers, and they would have been right to call the Native Americans savages.

Sarah tries to talk some strategic sense into Katelynn before they start, but she tells us she’s worried.  It seems she had good reason, since once they start, the boat keeps turning in whichever direction Sarah is paddling.  Evan feels privileged to witness this.  When he tells us they’re bad, what he really means is awful.  Thank you for that, Captain Thesaurus.  He’s right, though, they are comically hilarious.  Sarah ends up falling out, at which point Katelynn loses sight of her and thinks Sarah (who can swim like a dolphin, mind you) is drowning.  I mean, I understand her concern, but either way attempting to move the kayak would have been most helpful.

After a tense commercial break of wondering if Sarah the Amazing Swimmer has drowned, we learn that Sarah has actually crossed the finish line.  Of course, Katelynn is still helplessly flailing around, so Sarah has to swim back upstream to pull her out and across the finish line within 30 seconds.  Of course, they DQ and Sarah is pissed.  She says she can’t even enjoy the challenge because she has to worry about Katelynn.  Katelynn is sick of being the whipping girl.

Wes and Kenny start out strong, but eventually manage to fall out and DQ.  No surprise there.  Kenny claims that the Challenge Gods (Coral and the Miz?) are angry at him and now it’s things that he has no control over.  Well, you could have dragged the boat across the finish line when you fell, but what do I know?

Why so glum, Kenny?  Is it cuz yo (baby) mama so fat, (s)he sat on Australia and it sank?

Laurel and Cara Maria do well and finish without incident.  Johnny and Tyler are the last guy team to go, as Johnny tells us that they’re working well together and getting along.  They capsize toward the end of their run and apparently Tyler smashed his nuts against rocks.  Much pity is thrown his way, but he and Bananas are happy with their run.  Paula and Ev are the last team to go, and seem to do well.

Katelynn tells Sarah she tried, and Sarah says she hates to lose more than she loves to win.  Katelynn refuses to accept full blame, and for once I think I agree with her.  Their DQ wasn’t ALL her fault, and even though I do like Sarah and think she’s stronger overall, she contributed to their failure today.

Teej gathers everyone for his announcements.  Despite solid times by MikeRoy and CT/Adam, the win once again goes to Bananas and Tyler.  The losing girls are, duh, Sarah and Katelynn, so they will be heading into the Jungle.  TJ says the rest of the girls’ teams all had great times, but the winner is…

(Apparently, this is suspenseful enough to warrant a commercial break.)  Jenn and Mandi!  Mandi squeals that she’s never won a challenge before (let’s all remember that she was teamed with Wes on Fresh Meat, meaning they did not win anything, including their elimination round).  Jenn is happy because now she knows that “Mandi can do it too.”

Did I miss the part where we learned that you can do it, Always the Bridesmaid?

Back at the house, Jonna asks Wes if everyone is going to vote for them.  He says yes, because they didn’t “go with the group” last time.  Right, because you were totally going to vote for who else, Wes?  Paula and Ev, your best friends?  Your only other choice would have been Laurel and Skull Beads.  Wes tells her it’s a “slap on the wrist” so they don’t try to “rage against the machine.”  Then he tells us that he thinks she gets it now, that he’s “running the house,” and everyone should just vote with him.  Where do I sign the “For the love of all that is holy, someone please shut Wes the FUCK UP” petition?  What do I have to do to watch CT give him a proper smackdown?

Jonna relays this conversation to her partner.  Jasmine wins some points by saying that she doesn’t give a shit about being taught a lesson, she has her own brain and can stick up for herself.  Now THAT is the kind of attitude I like.  She sasses about looking sexy and treating the game like a game.

Teej tells them to deliberate, and when he leaves Bananas says the Cancun J’s volunteered themselves when they went “rogue” last week.  Jonna says they’re lucky to make it this far as rookies, winning her some light applause from the other teams.  They call TJ back and he (yet again) comments on how quickly their deliberations went.  Ev tells us that going against the Cancun J’s is a gift for Sarah and Katelynn since they would have gotten killed against any of the other teams, but now they at least have a fighting chance.  Oh please, Jenn and Mandi are not THAT tough.  Katelynn thinks they can win in a head-to-head since Jasmine and Jonna are on the brink.

Katelynn had better hope it’s not a hair-to-hair.

Jonna compliments Jasmine on her drastic attitude change, saying they just have to accept it and go in with a good attitude.  Jasmine tells us that if she comes back from the Jungle, she’s going to break furniture and “raise a lotta hell.”  Poor, innocent inanimate objects.  WHY WON’T ANYONE EVER THINK OF THE WALL SCONCES?  This whole “challengers can’t hit each other” rule must be hell on whoever has to clean that shit up.

Now, we must take a break from the episode for the latest chapter in Adam and Jenn’s “will-they-or-won’t-they” saga.  Not since Ross and Rachel has a pairing inspired so much speculation.  It’s looking good for Adam, since Jenn is in his bed, but suddenly she has to leave due to Leroy’s incessant snoring.  Adam stutteringly asks her if he can come with, and she tells him not to lose his hair over it and he can come cuddle.  Bananas tells the half-awake Leroy that he cockblocked Adam, and you just know Leroy feels terrible about that because he is all about Guy Code.  Awww, remember when MikeMike built Sexiled Island in their Vegas suite?

Oh, we’re in full on chick flick mode now, Gasmii.  Adam can’t believe this good fortune, since he’s had a crush on Jenn for the past three years.  But before he takes her up on the engraved invitation to her bed, he must stop and sit down for a heart-to-heart with the Token Fat Friend.  Evan deduces that Adam has feelings for Jenn.  He should be a detective.  He then tells us that all Adam wants is a date with Jenn, but “Jenn is a praying mantis who will mate with you and then bite your head off.”  OMG is that what happened to Hot Pete from Fresh Meat?!  (Totally unintentional rhyme.)  NOOOOOOOOOO, I want him back for eye candy!  Dammit Jenn!

What were we talking about?  Oh yeah, Adam claims that in ten years he’s going to be married to Jenn.

Oh Adam, your desperate is showing.

Evan tells him to do a few laps and then “find your way home.”  Adam looks COMPLETELY confused by this.  Good talk, wise old owl.  Now go ponder why you’ve never had a neck.  Oh wait, first he’s going to clarify for the oblivious Adam:  ”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.  And if you don’t take a swing at Jenn, you’re gonna regret it.”  Way to mix your sports metaphors, Oh Manliest of Men.  Anyway, Adam finally climbs into bed with a passed out Jenn, and we get one smooching sound effect.

The next morning, a makeupless Jenn (which is quite the unfamiliar sight) tells the other girls that it didn’t go beyond innocent kissing, in a “you’re in love with me, so it’s fun for me” way.

“My pores were never meant to be this freeee!”

Adam tells the guys that he got some bra action.  What grade are we in?  Jenn tells the girls that he’s horny, weird, and creepy.  Adam tells the guys that she was hesitant to do anything with him, causing Evan to theorize that this means she really likes him.  Evan is totally setting this poor kid up for failure.  Adam is practically giddy with the guys while Jenn tells the girls it’s going nowhere.

Oh hey, remember that whole Challenge thing?  TJ shows up at the house, and everyone is positively scandalized.  OMG, remember last time TJ showed up at a challenge house and two guys had to shave their faces?  Crazy!  Anyway, the Teejster says he has come to take one player from each Jungle team with him.  Sarah tries to think it through and decides that the stronger player shouldn’t necessarily go, so she sends Katelynn.  The Cancun J’s abort all strategy and play rock/paper/scissors.  After they shoot, Wes helpfully points out that they forgot to specify if the winner would go or stay.  Jasmine volunteers to go.

As TJ takes his prisoners, Sarah yells encouragement about hitting a wall and digging, earning some light mocking.  ”I’m trying to give good advice, and you guys are making it sound… silly!”  Jenn claims that this twist has made the game more “terrifying.”  I think you’ll be safe from the luxury of your viewing bridge, Jenn.

Sarah is freaking out, saying that at least she knows she can beat Jonna, who tells us she’s being underestimated and is just as smart as Sarah and Katelynn.

“Well, she may be smarter than Katelynn, but NO ONE ’round these parts is smarter than ME.”

Tonight’s jungle competition is called Unburied.  How sinister of you, TJ.  The team members he collected from the house earlier have been placed in wooden boxes and buried under a shitload of hay.  They have to dig their partners out (through the hay and some dirt) and then solve a “very complicated” puzzle.  Based on TJ’s use of “interesting” every week, I question how “complicated” the puzzle will be.  Sarah is already fistpumping as Wes comments that this is perfect for her.

I don’t know; I think Jonna has the clear advantage when it comes to dealing with giant piles of fuzz.

Sarah’s interview is beyond cocky, to the point where I think she may have borrowed some of Wes’ ego (don’t worry, he has plenty to spare).  She says WHEN they win, they’ll be a stronger team and fight for their spot in the house.  TJ then drops a fun little twist: he’s not going to tell them which pile has which partner.  Nice!  Jonna tells us that Jasmine doesn’t like tight spaces (what DOES Jasmine like, besides yelling?), so she’s going to use that as motivation.

The challenge begins and there’s a lot of frantic digging, until Sarah reaches the box, looks through the peephole, and sees Jasmine.  They switch piles and keep digging until they both have the top door open, but have to dig through dirt to open the bottom door open.  Sarah gets Katelynn out first, and guess what?  She’s feeling confident, which we all know by now is the kiss of death.

Jonna gets Jasmine out of her box not long after, and they both start the puzzle.  It involves moving round pieces to different poles, the details aren’t really worth getting into.  Katelynn says she should be able to do this in her sleep.  Jasmine says she sucks at puzzles, but she knows Jonna is good at them so she’s happy to just take orders on this one.  MikeMike is quietly pointing out Sarah’s error from the sidelines (told you he could school everyone here, ESPECIALLY the guys).

Katelynn says her gut is telling her something is wrong, but she’s choosing to trust Sarah.  After a lot of frantic puzzle piece moving, Jonna and Jasmine manage to SHOCK THE WORLD with a win.  (It would have been a lot more shocking without all of the overly cocky footage about Sarah and Katelynn winning, but I digress.)  Jasmine screams and Katelynn tells us that Sarah needs to learn being good at something doesn’t make her the best.  The girls all hug each other and Jonna tells us it feels good to beat Sarah and Katelynn at something when they’re supposed to be the best at said thing.

“I don’t give a shit if there’s nothing to be angry about, okay?  I’m just fucking angry!  HOUSTOOOON!”

Teej sends the Cancun J’s back to the group, where Skull Beads and Ev are wearing their jerseys in support, Evan and Kenny style.  I knew Skull Beads was friends with them, but Ev?  Man, she really MUST be fed up with Wes and the Douches (which sounds like the name of a failed band if I’ve ever heard one).  TJ sends the losing team on their way as Sarah tearfully tells us that she gave it everything she had, she couldn’t have asked for a better partner, and she’s looking forward to a long plane ride home together.  Interestingly, we do not get to hear TJ say that he’s sure he’ll see them again.

BTW, Sarah has been on all four Challenges since her season of Real World, and this is only the second time she hasn’t made it to the final (the other being on Fresh Meat when she got sent into the first elimination round against Kenny and Laurel).  Personally, I like her, but even if you don’t you had better start rooting for her to win.  Just like Walnuts, she’s not going away until she does.

Tyler and Johnny snack and talk about how wonderfully they’re getting along now that they’ve won a couple of challenges.  They claim that they’re the only team who likes and trusts each other as we get shots of all of the other teams (except for MikeRoy, of course).  Johnny tells us that chemistry and camaraderie is important in this game, and if you don’t have it with your partner, you’re as good as dead.  Then he says “Judgement Day is coming, my friend.”

Hate to break it to you, but Judgement Day was on May 21.  You missed it, ya dumb bitch.

Next week:  Never mind, midseason tease!  Yay!  Lots of the usual yelling, screaming, fighting, threatening, crying, competing, etc.  But most importantly, a MikeMike makeout!  Can’t wait!

Well, this episode was random, especially with it’s forays into (reverse) chick flick.  Could Adam look any more desperate right now?  Or is Jenn just that coldhearted?  Will you miss Sarah and Katelynn?  As I’ve said, I like Sarah, but she was getting cocky so she kind of got what she deserved.  Were you as disappointed as I was that Jasmine did not follow through on her furniture-destroying promise?  If Wes’ ego, Evan’s fatness, and Jonna’s hair got into a fight, who would win?