The Challenge Recap: Brazilian Whacks

Our show begins back at Club Boobies, aka Club Ono, and man, this cast sure does have a crap-ton of energy to release. I guess that’s good? Everyone shakes it and tries to look sexy. Aneesa wears an unfortunate pair of brown jeans that make her look pantsless when she’s in motion.

Johnny toasts Ty and Paula, the cutest Challenge couple. Foreshadowing licks its lips. Paula giggles and blushes. She and Ty dance. Then Paula, her two friends, and a kind of cancerous-looking spot between them interview about her boyfriend at home and how faithful she is to him.

I hope all the reality “star” paramours at home know that such a confession is pretty much the kiss and subsequent hookup of death.

Elsewhere in da club, Cara Maria and Abe have inherited the Most Annoying Couple title from CT and Diem. They come up for air in their make-out session to talk about getting a quaint li’l place in Massachusetts. So that’s settled, right?

Meanwhile, our brash Brazilian Camila is putting away the tequila. She and Johnny are having one of those nonsensical bar-guments that have to be shouted and subtitled, and cover topics that would not matter to sober people. I think the point of it is that she’s jealous, only we don’t see him doing anything to warrant this. We do, however, see her dancing/loving up on three other dudes. Emily drags her away, and everyone goes home. Camila stumbles into the house, gets into Johnny’s bed, and pulls the covers over her head. Paula explains that Johnny is playing a risky game. He is somewhere else changing his shirt.

Johnny asks Paula to please get Cam out of his room, like it’s Paula’s responsibility. Her mouth says no, but her legs walk over to Johnny’s bed and sit down. Ty comes over with his glass of wine and stirs shit into the pot by saying Johnny’s pissed off, which does not sit well with Cam. She slurs her way up from the bed, boobs aflappin’, stomps into the living room, and starts throwing chairs. Paula bearhugs her to get her to stop.

When this dude thinks you need to tone it down, you officially have bats in your belfry. And the bats haven’t been taking their meds. And the meds are crazy.

Commenters have correctly pointed out that Paula should have just let Camila’s destruction take its course. If she had gotten kicked off for destroying things, Johnny would have most likely gone with her, and they are arguably the biggest threat, despite the rippling muscles of Emily and Ty. Emily agrees with the Gasmii.

Camila walks to the pool, steps off the edge, and plunges in, mostly clothed. The house continues buzzing and wondering why Johnny doesn’t do something. So he tells Paula to go jump in the pool. Paula obliges, I guess because she likes to be responsible for something, or she’s trying to curry favor with Johnny. Instead of escaping to his now-empty bed that he wanted so badly, he stands there and yells over the balcony that Paula – who is now in the pool in her undies – should remember that talking to Camila is like talking to a wall. Real smooth, dude.

Camila is in the pool crying about Johnny being pissed at her and what did she do to deserve that. Cara Maria is stroking her hair. Paula is lurking near her, ready to give her another bear hug if she starts whacking her head on the side of the pool or something. Camila yells back at Johnny, then goes inside and continues to scream.

At one point, she tells him he’s a cheater and he’s gonna die – not sure if the two are related

Paula hovers, protecting Johnny from Camila and Camila’s boobs from the camera. Johnny plays both sanctimonious and dumb.

Morning by the pool. Camila has slept it off and claims to remember only throwing a chair, not why she was mad or anything. “I’m not a good drunk,” she admits. The challenge clue says something about Columbus in 1492. Mark says he was in third grade back then, just in case a recapper was going to make a joke about his age.

They’re on the beach for this one, doing a challenge that references boat-rocking, despite not being in or over the water. Oh, I see, the giant stick-pin-lookin’ wooden posts that they’re jumping on are supposed to be masts in a giant boat. It’s shipwrecked, Teej explains, and outlines how the couples have to jump from post to post. The first member jumps to one, then the second member joins him or her on that same small post, and only then can the first person move on to the next – slightly higher – post, with the goal being the “crow’s nest,” where they will ring a bell once both are on the last post. Slowest team gets Domed.

Fallers have to start over.

Two-time fallers are DQ’d, not that it matters for this one. Camila asks a question, which needlessly raises Johnny’s ire. I was not super-familiar with this dude, but I’m beginning to see why the Gasmii loathe him.

Two teams will go at a time, starting from opposite ends, with the crow’s nest in the middle and the fast couples intimidating the slow ones. Rachel & Aneesa are up against Abe and Cara Maria first. After a twisty start on the rope ladder getting up to the first post, they’re off. Rachel and Aneesa are impressively light on their feet, staying pretty much vertical the whole way. Abe and CM use an alternate technique, with him sitting down, turning around, and facing her once he gets to the post, the better for him to reassuringly catch her, and the even better for her to come down hard on his crotch every single time. This, as plockeness monster pointed out in the minicap comments, had to hurt like a mofo. He has to coax her for a couple of minutes to get her off the first post, at which point Aneesa’s like, “they wobble!” I have to admire someone who can simultaneously do the challenge and psych the other team out.

Ro-mantical!

Rachel and Aneesa ring the bell at 4:25, and even Emily is impressed. Abram and Cara Maria ring the bell some minutes later. They don’t show the time, so we can’t tell exactly how badly they’ve lost. She pouts, he half-asses some comfort, and I say too little, too late, guy. It doesn’t make you not a dick retroactively.

Emily & Ty vs CT & Diem. No floundering to report with Emily and Ty. CT and Diem start out doing the challenge the regular standing-up way, but they end up switching to Abe & CM’s way when Diem starts freaking out (CT’s words) partway through. She doesn’t land on him with her full weight like CM did, but I think her way is more dangerous, as she leads/lands with her knee or her foot.

At least her knee is padded.

Johnny & Camila vs Mark & Robin. Mark’s got mad strategery for this one. Robin waves him off and interviews that she’s sick of the guys discounting what she has to say. Mark and Robin do extremely well, with Mark not bothering to jump with his feet, but rather throwing his body toward each post and then pulling his legs up once he’s on it. Dunbar jokes that Mark’s speed also has to do with his not wanting Robin touching him for too long.

Robin falls a little. It’s probably good that Mark is wearing those old man socks so her hands don’t slip off his ankles.

Johnny and Camila do decently, probably motivated by Mark and Robin’s speed. But they’re bummin’ ‘cause they look bad comparatively. Give someone else a chance to shine, you guys.

Paula & Dunbar jump unopposed. Paula is, as Aneesa points out, pretty funny-looking while doing this challenge. Her hands are all cramped up and she’s visibly shaking.

And they finish in classic style.

They’re panting and groaning from the exertion and someone asks them if they’re having sex. Guess that had to get brought up at some point. Paula doesn’t even care, she’s shriekingly proud of herself just for having finished.

TJ is proud of the whole lot of ‘em. I gotta say, I’m kind of impressed too. I would have failed miserably at this. Worse than Diem, CT, Cara Maria and Abram combined. Abe and CM get Domed for their troubles. The face-off for Power Couple is between Mark & Robin and Johnny & Camila, and it’s narrowly won by Mark & Robin. I could totally hear Johnny cursing out Camila in his head, as he stood right next to the crow’s nest waiting for her to land behind him, and watching Mark & Robin win. Aw, cry me a lake, ya gorilla. Paula is admiring of his skills in an interview, and I wonder if she has a thing for him, just a little.

Paula, Camila and CM sit by the water. Camila says CM and Abe are good together but she relies on him a bit too much. CM interviews that she really likes Abe but she needs her space. And the game comes first, before their relationship. So maybe if she had done better in the challenge, they’d still be moving in together?

It warms Abe’s heart to be competing in The Dome. Because he wants people to be scared of him, see? Yeah, heartwarming.

Unlike Mark, he hasn’t gracefully accepted his impending middle age.

Back at the house, the guys are blowing smoke up Abe’s can about how The Dome is gonna be like pay-per-view and he’s gonna go into beast mode. Trouble is, beasts have these big hairy paws that don’t hold onto metal Xs so good, is all I’m saying.

Rachel and Aneesa are paying tribute where tribute is due, to the actual Power Couple, rather than the Domers, beastliness notwithstanding. Rachel gives Mark a purple shirt or something for “his girl,” and they rehash Rachel’s alleged attempts the previous week to throw Mark somewhere near the bus that would hurt him. Rachel thinks it would be too bad if she and Aneesa were to get picked for The Dome, as it would mean someone (Camila and/or Johnny, who coincidentally don’t look so good this week) got into Mark’s head.

“Do I make a choice based on-” Mark begins, and Robin cuts him off, emphasizing that it’s the two of them who make the choice. Well, yes and no, as we’ll see. Interview, interview, couple, couple, does Robin’s opinion mean nothing?

Well, yes and no.

The Power Couple chat with Ty and Emily. Mark speechifies about his “relationships” with other cast members and the negative effect this has on Ty and Emily, with whom he has no relationship. Robin pipes up that she sees that situation slightly differently, because, not having a relationship with them, she has no memory of any dickish slights on their part. Ty, trying to be all cooler-than-thou, states that he’s 100% ready to go back into The Dome. Emily’s all like, the hell? Robin interviews that she doesn’t want to throw Ty and Emily in.

Cara Maria and Abe sit in the dark. CM is waffling about the moving in together, maybe because she knows her big challenge payday isn’t happening. She wants them to wait until they’re more financially secure. Take a lesson from regular folk, you two. GET REAL JOBS. They have the miraculous effect of making you able to afford life luxuries like your own apartment. I don’t know. They’re both wrong. I took her side earlier because Abe’s just insufferable, but she is kind of jerking him around. He tries to make sense of this, pontificates for a few seconds, then reverts back to Old Abe and calls her a fool. She’s worried this will affect their performance the next day. He says they’ll both do their best, he tried, and walks away. I think he really is going to cry this time.

Johnny and Camila sit in the pool. Seriously, someone needs to give these people more to do. They lecture each other. Johnny shows that he knows what empathy means, intellectually at least. I never thought I’d use “Johnny” and “intellectually” in the same sentence, wow. Anyway, he defines “empathy” and tells her she has none. She’s like, “Actually, that’s-” and he cuts her off. “You don’t know me at all,” she tells him. Which begs the question, why does she want to be with him? Which will not be answered in this episode. She gets verklempt in her interview. He wants to play nice. She compliments his hair. She interviews that she needs to get to the bottom of what’s making her so angry. Another cry for therapy on the MTV goes unanswered. The sun comes out, like an asshole.

This is her “Bitch, are you for real?”

TJ time! Two jackasses stand before you. Wait, wrong show. Mark explains that there’s no more Asshole in the house, so they have to send in this couple for game-related reasons. And it’s Tymily! I’m guessing they’re going to keep getting thrown in until they get sent home or get into the finals. TJ asks them what they think of this, and to their credit, they don’t punch him. Mark states that The Dome will be a match-up from hell.

Kitchen. CT’s breaking some eggs to make an omelet, or whatever he does with them, and Ty and Paula are flirting again. CT interviews that the two of them just need to get it on and get it over with. Careful Ty, I hear she’s a biter.

The Dome!! Abe & CM vs Ty & Emily. TJ tells us what we already know and introduces the game we’ve already seen, the wrestle-the-metal-X-away game, girl vs girl and guy vs guy. This is the game that got Wes and Mandi sent home, which was cool and which TJ does not mention. “Emily’s a beast, but I’ve been known to ride a few,” Cara Maria tells the camera.

I covet their youthful upper arms.

Aand they’re off! Or, on, each other, really. “Use those legs, baby” Abe yells. They struggle. Emily interviews that CM is not going to make this easy for her. In the sand, CM grunts and growls. Some guitar and drum and phlegm music plays. Emily wrenches the X away and throws it. “Get up! Shake it off!” yells Abe, wasting his energy.

Round 2. CM goes down quickly, and kind of falls on her head. Emily twists the X away from her. “It was gone before I even knew I had it,” CM interviews. Kind of like… eh, too easy. Mark compares Emily to a dude.

It’s pay-per-view, just not the “event” he expected

Ty vs Abram. Abe quickly ends up sitting on Ty’s head. He interviews about how he went crazy, screaming and yelling at the camera, and again wasting his energy. Emily coaches like crazy from the sidelines. Abe wins the first round, yelling “Stay down!” at Ty for good measure.

Round 2. This time Ty makes use of his arm strength early and wrenches the X away from Abe, causing Abe to get airborne for a second before Ty takes the X. Emily jumps like five feet in the air. Hey, remember in Cutthroat when Ty “gassed out”? I do, and I didn’t even see Cutthroat. But I saw it the last time this show reminded me about it. Man, that stuff will follow you.

Final round! Wrastling and shirt-tearing! Commercials! Impact! Falling! Rolling! Dogfight! Buttcrack! Ty protects the X with his body. Will he gas out? He turns, the X still under him, and Abram can’t hold on. Emily runs out and tackles Ty. Well, really he’s already down. But she throws herself on him. Abe kicks some sand. He interviews that he still totally had some gas after that, and Ty couldn’t even get up! And that’s heartbreaking! Except this particular challenge wasn’t about gas, now was it? There’s the door, Abe.

Sofa king Tyred

Cara Maria is going to bring her fire next time, from day one. Just don’t bring your dickbag on-again-off-again boyfriend and it’s all good.

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