The Challenge Recap: “I just crapped a six-pack of ice cubes.”

This week’s ep begins with our rabble rousers bringing their antics to another local club, the Kahuna. Holy crap, Diem’s dancing makes Elaine Benes look like Karina Smirnoff.

Sit down, lady. And Emily, you know bad things happen when people wear that hat.

But CT seems pleased by it. Or maybe TJ finally shared some of that Rx weed. Diem’s yapping head informs us again that she and CT have been Power Couple twice in a row and they’re going to the final. The others can duke it out in The Dome. Camila sits alone at a table looking overly made-up and uncomfortable. Johnny sits at another table, looking listless and tipsy. A local dog approaches him to see if he’s gonna eat whatever’s in front of him. People dance. CT slurs to Ty about their impending payday.

Not cool enough for you to complete the nipple twist you’re working toward there, buddy.

Back at the house, Robin, CT, Ty and Emily sit around the dining room table and argue about whether Robin will get trounced in The Dome. CT argues that Robin’s due for a win, as if a flipped coin had a memory. This goes on longer than it needs to. Emily calls Robin a flopping fish who needs to get back in the water. Robin gets teary. Shirtless Ty finally manages to make her smile.

The four Domers pack their giant bags, which… they wear the same outfits all the time, so what the heck is in there? Mark puts on his old-school red bandana, way down over his brow. He promises again that this is his last challenge.

When I started wearing this, kids wrote their school papers on typewriters while listening to their Walkmans.

Dome. Everyone is giddy and says “son” a lot. For those completely lacking short-term memory, Mark and Robin were sent here by the power couple; Johnny and Camila were sent here for sucking.

To recap

Johnny says that Mark was taking his Epsom salt bath before coming here, as well as his Centrum and Cialis. Depending on Johnny’s comfort with his sexuality, a big fat boner might actually help Mark in this challenge. But Johnny’s probably thinking Celebrex.

They’re playing X Battle, for the third time. Girl-girl, guy-guy, wrestle the X away from your opponent by any means necessary. Will it yield another surprise upset? Diem interviews that she “obviously” wants Mark and Robin to come back, because they’ll be a weaker team in the final.

Girls. I can’t believe they make them wear their mic packs, even during this challenge. I guess I should be thankful they don’t caption the grunts. Lots of flipping and leg-flailing happens. At one point early on, Robin gets on top of Camila and decides the best thing to do is re-grab the X a bunch of times, which also involves un-grabbing it. Camila is unable to get it away at this point because there’s nowhere to pull it to, I guess, and possibly because Robin pair o’ thighs has her paralyzed.

This segment gets the MTV Popcorn Bucket Award for most crotch shots in the shortest time, which is saying something.

On the second viewing, this challenge goes by really quickly. A candy-baby analogy comes to mind. Camila really does well, and Robin does about as well as I would probably do. Mark advocates face-biting in an interview. I bet Camila’s face tastes too yucky to be worth it.

So all the pressure is on the old dude, and despite Mark’s protestations, I suspect he wouldn’t have it any other way. Johnny quickly turns around right at the beginning, giving himself the advantage of having Mark in the outside position.

Much as I hate to admit it, this is good strategy.

Johnny wins the first round, in which he loses a shoe. Mark loses some blood, which makes him threaten to “seriously” kill Johnny. Mark wins the second round and promptly falls on his face. Emily doesn’t know who to cheer for.

Round Three: Mark is not going so easily, so Johnny has to resort to the clamping and twisting, which both Robin and I worry will break Mark’s arm. Which I’m sure he signed a liability release for, but still.

Here’s one old wrist trapped under another old wrist, trapped under an X trapped under the full pressing weight of a giant banana.

Johnny wins Round Three. G’bye, Mark and Robin. Sorry your clear inferiority wasn’t enough for stupid Diem to keep you around. (I maintain CT went along with her dumb plan for the sake of his sanity.) The former allies all hug good-naturedly.

Retrospective. Mark wears a bandana. Mark sleds. Mark does a flip into the water. Mark runs with a rickshaw. Mark flexes. Mark closes this chapter of his life.

At home, Johnny’s reliving of his near-arm-breaking glory is interrupted by the clue. They’re going to Iceland! Everyone whoops and jumps and dances, because they haven’t thought it through at all. Johnny tosses ice cubes at everyone to acclimate them.

I love running on frostbitten feet!

Final shots of the warm resort as everyone slides their bags out the door. Jangly music of impending hypothermia.

Glaciers. Transit. Water, snow, mountains. Reality sets in but is offset by cool gear, which they immediately put on. “In my ninja mi’ens,” goes CT, “I can do anything! Climb a moun’ain! Pull a pan outta the oven! Hand puppets!”

And thus, in the penultimate episode, I finally understand from whence the moisture comes.

CT and Ty do some ninja-batics, and Johnny looks out the window at the frozen world that awaits.

Yeah, that would be pretty righteous for a regular vacation.

They go clubbing again, doing shots of what y’all ID’d as absinthe, which they waste by trying to make two people drink a shot at once. Diem is up to her hairy dancing tricks again. Auto-tuned music plays. I wonder if Bjork is pissed.

Fun Iceland-related fact: The Sugarcubes were the first band I ever saw live (in the U.S.)

The challengers literally drag each other back into the hotel room, then sit around and blow smoke up each other’s asses with a vigor heretofore reserved for talking trash. I’m not gonna recap what they say ‘cause it’s false.

Every time I hear another MTVer got something plumped or hoisted, I’m sad it wasn’t her.

They all interview that the other teams deserve to be there and they’re doing well in their relationships, and what fun is this? Commercials. Don’t smoke, kids. But if your parents do, you’ll probably have to bathe them. This has been a public service announcement.

It’s about to get real!!! I’m hoping to convince myself with punctuation! The couples lie in bed. Diem interviews that she wants to pull her weight. CT says the worst is over. Ironic foreshadowing, pleeease don’t fail me now.

Frozen tundra. In-room continental cold-cut lunch. Johnny interviews that it’s like clicking up the highest roller-coaster. So, boring? Ty says that money is not the issue here, it’s experience. Slo-mo hotel room exit. The competitors stand, hooded to bejeesus, in product-placed coats with their names on the backs. TJ is similarly attired. This challenge is called Viking Quest.

Hey, wait a minute…

TJ goes over the prizes again. But you have to finish the course to get any money. They’ll be running a lot of the challenge in the dark, due to the lack of sunlight. More insipid inspiring interviews through ski masks.

Dogsled challenge. Oh, I just want to roll those pups over and skritch their thick coats! But no time for that. While one of them craps (‘cause MTV has believed crapping dogs are ratings gold since The Osbournes, I guess), CT remarks that his dog at home does whatever she wants. Then they’re off, with CT and Diem pulling into the lead quickly, as CT goes “Hyah! Hyah!” Johnny makes his bid for the Alpo spokesman position when all this is over. I think I was wrong about Emily and Ty’s dog’s paw. That was just me making excuses for them. It looks like Ty is being polite and not yelling, which probably makes the dogs think this is a stroll. Finally he goes, “Run-run-run,” which is not a word they understand.

All of the dogs run kind of jerky and lopsided. I’ma go ahead and blame MTV for not springing for better harnesses. And I suppose it sucks to run on snow without those little doggie boots.

And suddenly it’s dark! So CT and Diem have a 10-second lead, with Johnny and Camila in second and Ty and Emily in third. The next challenge is the River Plunge. All they have to do, says TJ, is strip to their (long) underwear and jump into this little pond, go to the buoy, touch it, and come back. Did anyone else think they would be swimming in their skivvies and the water would be over their heads? Despite my joy in their suffering, I’m kind of thankful it wasn’t that, because holy crap. This little jaunt is timed, and the couple with the best combined time will get the best sleeping arrangements, which is definitely relative. CT and Diem “strip down” in the van, and a guy named Ingvar tells them not to dive (in order not to die) as the other four worry over what the plunge is going to feel like. It’s going to be over in less than 30 seconds, unless they want to be hypothermic.

In an interview, CT does some wonky-eyed freestyling.

CT and Diem get into position. CT exclaims at the ice chunks floating around. They jump in, with CT bellowing.

CT waves buh-bye

His transit across the water is awesome – a sort of jerky high-footed skip-leap. Diem does comparatively worse, but she makes it out in one piece. CT interviews that he just crapped a six-pack of ice cubes. He sheds his wet underthings as he runs to the van – the freezing water is visible coming off him – and gets a black box on his ass. Diem finally makes it out of the water, yelling for help, like somebody who can totally pull her own weight. CT, still bare-assed, goes out to help/shove her into the van. They get under a warming blanket, for all intents & purposes naked. Diem dramas it up, citing glaciers in the water. Dude, those aren’t even ice floes. I’m not aware of a name for them other than chunks. Yes, what they just did would suck, but shut up, Diem. CT agrees with me, but he phrases it as, “Don’t look back.”

Johnny and Camila go. He gets the black box on his ass immediately. He feels like he’s being “stabbed in every square inch of [his] body with razor blades.” He waits for Camila after getting out of the water. The visible part of his ass looks angry red indeed. They also get naked.

Somebody either wore mascara for the sled dogs or didn’t do a very good job of washing her face.

Emily and Ty tell the camera they need to make up for being in last place with the dogs. They get ready, he tells her to stop talking, and in they go. He actually submerges his whole self for speed. They finish. CT and Diem have the best time with 5:18. Johnny and Camila have 5:22. Emily and Ty have 5:23! I demand a recount or something. Ty is pissed. I don’t think TJ tells them their times, which is probably a good thing, considering.

Oh sadism, is there anything you can’t do?

They stand around a weak fire and TJ congratulates the current time leaders. Their relatively large tent will feature heating lamps, animal skin and air mattresses. Johnny and Camila get one heating lamp and some thickish pads under their sleeping bags. Emily and Ty get what Ty calls yoga mats. I have to assume they have sleeping bags. Poor all of them, really.

CT flirts with Diem in an effort to get warm. Diem acts like she’s shutting him down. Johnny tells her to cut the crap. Emily interviews that she’d freeze before she and Ty ever create body heat. Well, he probably still tastes like Walnuts. Johnny and Camila lie in their tent with a big boot between them and try not to imagine what horrors lie ahead.

Next week: Skiing! Digging! Eating brains! No, really.