The Challenge Recap: The Shit They Would Have Shown if the Censors Had Let Them…

Woop woop! It’s the rear end of this circus! “There’s a lot of stuff they don’t show,” says Paula. Spoken like one who was bare-assed at some point this season. I’m hoping she’ll keep doing her ‘splaining, but here’s our old friend Crappy Diem talking about how she’s gonna have to make a phone call and say, “Sorry Dad.” During Phase One of the Iceland challenge, she and CT took the directions “Strip down to your underwear,” the same way I did. They assumed it was their current underest-wear, and Diem might have been wearing a thong.

So rather than have a perfectly natural skinny girl ass black-boxed on TV, she preferred to impugn CT’s manhood and let him put on the thong while she wore what had to be a too-big pair of his boxers. There were, she tells us, “multiple members” hanging out. I think she means one member, multiple sack bulges. What a guy. Seriously, that’s gonna be even more painful to have frostbitten bare balls. The producers let him speedbag his balls in the van for a bit before they offered the correct info that they’d both be wearing long underwear.

“Broke my crayons,” says CT.

Shut up, Rachel. Then Cara Maria explains that the way to not get caught on camera having sex is to do it out in the open so it’s too naughty to show. That’s kind of a good idea, except for its effect on everyone else in the house. CT and Dunbar confirm that those two totally did sex everywhere and all the time, including five feet away from people who were just minding their own business two seconds earlier. She likes to do it in her stripey thigh-highs and furry boots, and Abe likes to make Johnny, in particular, uncomfortable by being nude.

Does Dunbar look cute all of a sudden in these interviews in his wire-rimmed glasses, or do I need to get some help? Circle o’ jerks sunscreen redux. I’m not recapping stuff they actually already did show.

Shut! Up! montage of Paula. Ty still has a shit-eating grin stuck on his face when he talks about her.

Half the cast had to intervene to get Paula and Dunbar to act decent to each other. Paula faced Johnny, while Dunbar faced Mark, so they won’t claw each other’s eyes out, and Paula and Dunbar addressed their respective surrogates as if they were each other.

Mark has a sidebar with his “client.”

He actually does a nice job at playing a lawyer while shirtless. But if he’d gone and gotten a real job, none of us would have the privilege of knowing (of) him.

Wes had a thing for Emily, and he thought she was into him. He actually muddled his words and said “elementary stool crush” at one point. So Johnny went and brought Emily up to the guys’ room so she could listen and then set Wes straight on this. Too bad he’s still nowhere near “in his place.”

Anything slow or steady and Wes-related squicks me out.

Apparently, Dunbar acted like a little bitch about the A/C. Diem thought the mature thing to do would be to keep opening the guys’ door and letting the cool air out. They retaliated by throwing water on her, to which she responded by way overselling a fake injury. So it escalated into the “Men verse Women” battle that we saw some of in an earlier episode. The guys toilet papered the girls rooms, and then CT literally ripped off (and also stole) all their toilet seats. Everyone dressed up like ninjas. Then Abe Dad-ed all over their parade. So the guys read Harry Potter to each other in voices as a bedtime story.

At one point, Robin allegedly got into Johnny’s bed and wouldn’t get out, so he farted on her. This became a food and condiment fight. So Robin put a curse on him.

The scary kind that makes you win all the marbles. Cry-yi.

So Robin actually is a crazy person. What a chump I was. I totally bought that she was all sedate and a little moody. Dumbass me. She apparently cleaned the inside of the toilet with a toothbrush she thought was Camila’s, which turned out to be Paula’s. “Who does that?” Paula asks the camera, taking it pretty well, considering.

Dunbar continued to be a little bitch. I would have been much gladder to see him leave had I known that. But I also would have accepted watching him freeze his ass off. After Dunbar was sent home, CT found his printed e-mails in the little cubbyhole in his fort-bunk (“It’s like prison,” Mark explains.) and read them aloud with voices for both Dunbar and his girlfriend. CT’s Dunbar sounds not unlike Mr. T. Dunbar apparently was dating a girl young enough to get spelling tests in school and boring enough to detail them in e-mails. Lawd. And eew. His e-mails also contained reference to how strong and good-looking he was, compared to the rest of the guys in the house, along with things like (picture CT saying this in the Mr. T voice) “I hope you’re concentrating on school and your routine.” Or (even more growly) “Hey baby. Apparently you’re not getting my e-mails.”

Props to this dude. He owns being a crazy person.

Johnny also farted on Jasmine, so she threw bottles at him. Rachel again is a fuddy-duddy all, somebody could have gotten hurt! As could they have in all of the challenges. Cara Maria makes the good point that throwing a bottle at Johnny’s head is something that lots of people would be motivated to do.

CT and Ty got into a drunken fight, with CT getting all husky-voiced and asking Ty if he was gonna go cry. And we find out what Ty spent his winnings on. New teeth! That is to say, veneers, I think. Seriously? I actually didn’t notice anything wrong with his teeth. CT compares this to a girl getting new boobs. Dude, now you’re gonna have to get a job. You could have coasted for a year.

Apparently the Jasmine/Tyrie shovey fight was started by a “twitter wall” they had at the house, which basically consisted of some notebook paper and a marker on a string. People would write things like, and I quote “@ Jasmine You suck – Tyrie” and such.

You may recall Jasmine’s color combo and Johnny’s dopey grin from the shovey ep.

Again, what a chump I was with my read on that. But I just knew there was more to it. The designation of “Semen Demon Ho” was part of it. Aha! Aha! There’s the uncut punching sequence. That was edited all out of order. She did not react to his showing his ass by hitting him. Okay. Vindicated a little. Cara Maria is also surprised Jasmine didn’t get sent home.

Shut up, Diem. You’re not getting a gig as a TV commentator. Not even on the Style Network.

Commercials. I wonder why 5-Hour Energy doesn’t highlight the stuff’s laxative effect? It’s not like that sort of thing isn’t needed.

Aggh, Diem. Girl even makes falling down less funny.

Haha, Mark is old. He’s even three years older than Priscilla’s mom. CT paints a nice picture of him with feathered hair, Z Cavariccis and a boom box. Yeeeup. We liked that crap as moist nymphettes.

The guys think that even the best parts of the girls in the house would only make a perfect 7. They compile a list of things like foot arches, necks and jawlines. They don’t even add boobs, but that’s okay with Paula, ‘cause she got Best Ears.

Paula has a bad memory, cause those 80s babies gave Best Boobs to Mandi’s bobbly rubber puppies. I’d have pegged Aneesa as having man hands. Go figure.

The DR was filled with bugs as big as the palm of your hand. They were selective, though, and didn’t bite any of the guys except Johnny. Possibly they didn’t like being grabbed and put on people.

My lord, this thing is like school! Somebody write me a note to be excused.

Johnny and Emily disagreed on how to mix watermelon and vodka. I can kind of see the benefits to both their ways. Johnny and Ty disagreed on whether spitballs should be launched at Ty’s big shiny head. The two of them wrestled and also failed to get sent home. Producers shouldn’t have wasted all those send-homes on harmless noobs.

Johnny was a booze pimp who helped Paula and Ty hook up, with an assist from the bartender, and hopefully a spitwad moratorium. And everyone alternately tried to watch them. What’s with these people? And ok, Paula and Ty did achieve penetration. I guess that “What’s a guy gotta do” stuff was rhetorical. Toldja I was out of touch.