The first thing we learn this week is that, to the surprise of I’m guessing no one, several of the Fresh Meat girls have formed the sorority of Omega Mu Gamma (aka OMG). The ring leaders seem to be Mandi and Theresa, who have pretty much been generic sorority girls all season anyway. As with any good sisterhood, they start this week bonding over boys, specifically Theresa getting it on with Ass. She tells us his body is effing sexy.
If the “cooked chicken with the skin peeled off” look works for you, then sure.
She also tells us she’s gotten to know him and thinks he’s a great person. Allegedly she’s still talking about Ass, so what the frick ever Theresa. And THEN, while talking to Ryan inside the house, Laurel has the AUDACITY to… I can barely bring myself to type it… LAUGH! How DARE she?! I mean honestly, WHO does she think she IS?! Since the founding members of OMG apparently didn’t get enough mocking in back in middle school, they start cackling as a way of mocking Laurel’s laughter. Mandi tells us that almost every girl in the house hates Laurel because of her cackling, annoying laugh. A clear reason for hatred if I’ve ever heard one! Bulletproof logic!
Theresa at least has the decency to be sorry about Laurel’s “massive thighs” and ugly face. That’s very thoughtful of her. Also, as far as I can tell, Laurel’s thighs are only massive in that they are three feet long, because Laurel is nine feet tall. Let me go on record saying I have enjoyed Laurel’s ass-kicking ways and resemblance to Robin from HIMYM, so thus far I have no problem with her whatsoever.
Laurel tells Ryan she’s tired of them and looking forward to returning to the real world. Just make it to the final challenge first, please.
Ev and Landon have a chat. Ev says she wishes Kenny and Laurel weren’t so unbeatable, since that was what tore their alliance apart. Or, you know, openly sacrificing them might have had something to do with that too. Landon reminds Ev that he and Carley did manage to beat them once upon a time. Ev’s worried, because she knows Kenny isn’t going to spare her from the Exile anymore. She thinks the outsiders need to band together.
“What to Do After You’ve Stabbed Your Entire Alliance in the Back” by Ass and the Evster. Chapter One: “Ummmm…..”
So, much to my surprise, apparently Wheezy is still in the closet. Jenn and Theresa somehow convince him to kiss Ryan by all kissing each other, and quite frankly, it’s a relief. Only like half the episodes this season have featured the spread of oral herpes, and I was starting to worry they wouldn’t manage to give it to all of the Fresh Meat before the season was over. Wheezy tells us he’s “comfortable” with who he is, and that “who he is” allegedly includes enjoying kissing girls. Ryan plays along and lets Wheezy remain in the closet for the time being.
Laurel asks Carley if she likes her. Carley gives a non-answer and tells us that Laurel is arrogant. She tells Laurel that she can be cocky at challenges, and Laurel awesomely asks “Is that because I’ve won most of them?” Laurel doesn’t think she’s been rubbing her wins in anyone’s face (that’s Kenny’s job), and tells us she doesn’t “understand Carley at this point in time.” Well, that’s probably because much like in Scranton, PA, life moves a little slower in Carley’s brain.
Carley tells Laurel that by reading instead of socializing, she gives off a vibe of not wanting to be a part of the group. Then Laurel’s ‘roid cocktail kicks in and she throws a tantrum about hating the house, punches the wall, and leaves. Carley’s just kind of “whatever” about the whole thing, and I can’t blame her. At least she (surprisingly) said logical things instead of mocking from afar.
It’s ok, they’re just scared of your “books” because none of them can read and they think it’s witchcraft.
The players get their clue and Ass tells us his alliance has dwindled down to nothing and it’s time for him to “man up and win a challenge.” What a fabulous strategy to come up with at this point in the game. Laurel decides that just like every other week, they have to win or they’ll probably go into Exile. Kenny tells us he’s worried about his partner, because she’s bruised and looks like a battered woman from a Lifetime movie. And Johnny Bananas isn’t here, so she’s probably just bruised from the challenges and not, you know, actually getting beaten. I feel obligated to mention Bananas because this episode is titled “Trimming the Fat.” A little Challenge SAT action for you all:
Bananas : “Trimming the Fat” :: Danny : “Balls to the Wall”
Laurel tells us the game is slowly but surely turning in their favor, and Ass and Ev are hanging over a cliff dangling by a string. Now THAT’S a challenge I’d like to see.
And now, because it wouldn’t be a challenge without Ass’ relationship drama, Ev decides to bring up Kelly Anne. I swear this kid gets into more love triangles than the old and new 90210′s combined. And guess what? They’re even LESS interesting in “real” life! Anyway, it turns out he hooked up with KA right before the Challenge started, and has been lying to her about who/what he’s been doing since he got there. Good thing this will remain their own little secret! He says the Theresa thing is no big deal and he’s just not that into her. But he will be later tonight, hey-o!
So now Theresa has finally decided that Ass is, well, an ass. She and Mandi both think he had no right to give her crap about Kenny when he had all of this going on. No shit, sherlocks. Theresa says Ass will never have another chance with her because she forgives and forgets, and he is forgotten.
It’s no “I wanna forgive you, and I wanna forget you.” This girl has some serious work to do on her Reality Show Catchphrase creating.
They arrive at this week’s challenge…
And Derrick’s there!
There’s a fricken gigantic slide that goes all the way up in the woods. Ass tells us he’s panting just walking up to the top (foreshadowing!).
This week’s challenge is called “Airheads,” much to the delight of our ragtag collection of fools. Teej tells us there’s a “massive, sick-ass ramp” that will launch them into the water. Then they have to memorize a Tetris-looking puzzle, swim to shore, and put together a giant version of it. It seems like a pretty tough thing to memorize, so naturally I expect some failure. Also, the winners of this one get an HDTV, which is demonstrated featuring online clips of Evan and Odrama and various others. I get the product placement, but why are they demonstrating an HDTV using shitty quality online clips?
Jill and Pete get to decide the order since Kenny and Laurel handed them the last challenge, and they give Kenny and Laurel the last spot as a token of gratitude.
Ev and Wheezy are first as usual, and I’ll just give you Wheezy’s commentary verbatim: “It’s lubed up, greased, and ready to go… I would pay good money to hit that thing all day long.” TWSS, and yes, I know, that was way too easy. Ev’s strategy is for each of them to memorize half the puzzle, but Wheezy can’t hack it so a livid Ev has to head back out. Laurel is a little afraid of her rage.
I can’t imagine why… EV SMASH!
Ass and Mandi manage to complete it on the first try, so they take the lead. BUT THEN! Landon and Carley work together awesomely and completely SMOKE them. Like I said, never EVER count him out. He is awesome, and Carley has proven to be much better than I expected.
Jenn’s counting on Aziz since he apparently has got madd puzzle skillz, but it turns out he also has the most awesome dismount technique:
Unfortunately for them, it’s all downhill from there. Once they’ve taken longer than Landon and Carley, the horn gets blown because otherwise this shit would take like a week. Team Awesome is happy with this news:
Ladies and Germs, your Adorable Landon Moment of the Week.
Ryan and Theresa, aka Team Tiny, are up next. Theresa thinks her photographic memory is going to help, but she effs up her side of the puzzle and their time is up. Jill and Pete run out of time too, but Landon’s still nervous because he knows Kenny and Laurel always have the potential to win. They get off to a strong start, but don’t make it and Landon and Carley win! Awwww, yay! They are adorably excited.
Ass and Ev start making noise in poor Landon’s ear in their weekly display of desperation. Landon pretty much ignores them and won’t tell them anything because he’s awesome. Since he’s not listening, Ev crawls up Jenn’s ass, but she’s not really biting either, and she says Ryan’s with Kenny for real now. Next Ass and Ev double team Ryan, which is probably a fantasy for exactly none of them.
Exile vote time. Teej asks Landon who the first team will be. **Dramatic Pause with closeups of various people** And he sends in Ass and Mandi! Yay, go Landon! I knew he was my favorite. Ev and Wheezy, of course, vote for Pete and Jill. Kenny, Laurel, Pete, and Jill, of course, vote for Ev and Wheezy. Naturally, we need a commercial break before we find out who the stragglers choose. Ryan votes in Ev and Wheezy, which Ev is of course not happy about. She accuses him of being a flip-flopper and having no loyalty to anyone. Yes, Ryan has been the shadiest player in the game. Or, you know, he spent time actual playing strategically instead of constantly flailing about and telling everyone your plans and throwing people under the bus. Whichever.
Laurel sees Ev reading by herself, so she wanders over and slurs at her for a bit. Ev says so many people have made their hatred of her known at this point on challenges that she can’t be bothered to care anymore. Laurel confessionals for a bit about her competitive side overtaking her desire for friendship. Nothing wrong with that, this is a competition.
And Paula Walnuts’ spirit has come back from Exile to haunt the house!
Laurel drunkenly slurs at Ev for a bit about being on the opposite side but liking her as a person and kisses her on the cheek a few times. Do I smell our next bout of lesbian experimentation?
The Evil Twins confab about their nefarious doings thus far this season. Then they cackle evilly like the badass villains they wish they were. Kenny takes the few moments before they head to Exile to start hitting on Mandi, who is wearing approximately 17 layers of makeup for this physical challenge.
Theresa will miss her BFF and OMG sister Mandi if they don’t come back, but tells us she doesn’t really care about Ass.
It’s the Exile with the heavy backpacks and running through the woods. Ass is looking forward to pushing himself to the limit and being supportive and helping Mandi. Like you “helped” Casey by screaming at her and calling her a stupid bitch every 6 seconds?
Famous last words.
Mandi give the generic “people underestimate me” speech. They start off and Ev and Wheezy take the early lead. Ev reminds us that Wes went 5-0 in Exiles in the first Fresh Meat, including sending Ev home (and he did all of that with CASEY as a partner, let’s not forget.) She knows better than to underestimate him.
Although apparently I’ve overestimated him, because he is huffing and puffing and stopping while Mandi screams at him to hurry up. Seriously, Mr “Almighty Greatest Challenge Competitor of All Time?” I know people think he threw the Exile, but that is stupid if you ask me. There is no logical reason to do that. And again, his backpack was heavier than Mandi’s, but he’s twice her size and she’s probably not on steroids, so that’s a terribly excuse if you ask me. They probably would have been better off just switching bags.
Mandi’s getting pissed and yelling things like “You’re not even running!” and my personal favorite, “If Luke can do it, you can do it!” which is very true. Ass and Wheezy are doing the same thing with the same amount of weight, and Wheezy doesn’t seem to be struggling at all, so what gives?
Ev is just as amused as I am to see Mandi screaming at Wes to keep up, and I maintain that this whole thing is like Bizarro Challenge every time I see a girl screaming at her guy teammate to hurry up. Luckily Jillian is still around because Pete is usually telling her to hurry up, although he’s much nicer about it than the typical Challenge guys. But seeing Ass get yelled at is just as freakily awesome as watching Walnuts yelling at her partner.
Ass tells us he’s been in more elimination rounds than anyone else in Challenge history (because everyone hates him and always votes him in), and that he’s won almost all of them, so he should kill himself for the next 20 minutes to win this.
Back at the house, everyone is expecting Ev and Wheezy to come back. Carley’s just happy that everyone wants to put whoever wins this Exile back in again, so people are less concerned about sending in her and Landon.
“Hurry the f*(% up, you stupid f()#$* worthless bitch! Or I will give it to you up the ass while you BURN IN HELL!”
MTV tries to trick us by showing Mandi reaching the finish line, but once she sees it she starts crying because Ev and Wheezy are already there, chillaxing after their afternoon stroll.
You may have your OMG sisters, but Laurel will most likely have a lot more money than you when this is over. I hope those tears taste bitter.
Mandi says she’ll be back for another challenge to make up for the money that Ass lost her last time. Ev says she and Wheezy are all alone now. Teej is as surprised as I am that Mandi ran the Exile so well.
And Ass takes this opportunity to become Uber-Ass. He says he’s in an exclusive club with these challenges, even though he feels like most of the members are much lower than his Almighty Self. A philosophical question: If one is both an Ass and a Dick, can he or can he not fuck himself? He concludes by telling us he needs rehab for this because “I’m Wes, I’m 24 years old, and I’m a Challengeaholic.” Same here, except I just watch from the safety of my bedroom.
Kenny gives his usual cocky monologue, but he mocks Ass in it so it’s ok. Ryan takes it upon himself to comfort Theresa, who is crying over both Ass and the ass that she will no longer be getting. Cause, you know, she doesn’t care about him at all.
Ev tells us that she’s alone now, and she knows she needs to beat two teams to make it to the final.
Come back next week, when we learn that Ev has run off into the woods to raise a skull baby!
So, we finally, FINALLY got the Ass vs. Ev Exile we were waiting for. I wasn’t too surprised that Ev won, but I did not expect Ass to lose it for them. Anyone else shocked by Mandi’s performance? Good riddance, I say. It’s really getting down to the wire now! I’m still rooting for Landon, he’s been my #1 since Darrell went home the first week, but I like Kenny this season for the most part. That slide looked freaking awesome. And next week’s challenge involves the players as human wrecking balls, so I’m really looking forward to that!