The Challenge: The Biggest Loser?

TJ Watch indicates that he is still recovering nicely.

Previously:  the red team failed, Camila sent Katie packing, and Brandon sent Ty home on a stretcher.  Apparently Ty’s an anorexic or something who only eats a banana a day in hopes of becoming an underwear model (thanks, Tiredofthebandwagon).  What a moron.  Being that dumb is one thing, attempting an athletic competition is a whole other level.  He deserved to be sent home after such an epic failure, both at life and at the challenges.

Brad makes Tori breakfast while they contemplate whether or not Chet will return.  Damn, Tori’s got him doing the cooking too?  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again:  that boy’s balls are in a vice grip.  As a car pulls up outside (not really, but you know how editing works), Tyler recounts Chet’s heroic deed of swimming a fast leg despite his concussion.  He proclaims that the reason the red team still has nine members left is their heart.  More likely, it’s their failure to send weak players into elimination rounds, but what do I know?  Heart always wins this game, right?

Just ask Paula “I’m 0-for-75″ Walnuts!

Chet walks in the door to much fanfare and many hugs from his teammates.  The longest one comes from Dunbar (who’s probably never had the longest anything before, HEY-OH!), who refuses to let go and continues to fill the homoerotic void left by the absence of Kenny and Evan.  Chet angles for a future with Frommer’s as he gives an unfavorable review of the Czech hospital.  It turns out he does not recommend it, and had to give himself a suppository.

Dunbar is instantly jealous that he was not the one to give it to Chet up the ass.

Chet claims that he’ll be able to compete after another day or so and wants to start eating and drinking to build up his strength.  Brad is happy to have Chet back, and Chet is happy to be back.

Bananas and Derrick work out while they discuss how useless Ty turned out to be.  They’ve come to the realization that they’re going to need to go into Gulags now since they’re the only guys left on the blue team.  Bananas finally comes out and says that they trimmed too much fat.  Guess you might be missing Big Easy a little bit now, hmmm?

Luke and Brandon partake in a round of billiards while discussing the game.  Luke is feeling good since his team just won, and Brandon likes his team.  He says even though Camila has a temper, she shows up, and he’s fairly certain he won’t be going into another Gulag.  Yeah, we’ll see about that.

Sarah and Chet are giggling over her unwillingness to go visit him while he was in the hospital.  It’s always nice to see people from the same season having a moment together, as if they’re really friends or something.  But wait!  TJ walks in!  This was not in the previews like last time, so I was completely unprepared for this twist.  He asks Chet to get out of bed and join him at a romantic table for two downstairs.  He asks how Chet is feeling, and Chet claims to feel better.  Unfortunately for Chet, TJ says he has to go home on account of his concussion.  The most noteworthy part is when TJ says “head injuries are serious.”

It’s like rain on your wedding day.  And by that I mean ironic, obviously.

Anyway, Chet and Teej are both bummed by this set of events.  Chet is so bummed, in fact, that he would rather be “circumsized by a rusty spoon.”  Well, just head back to the Czech hospital, I’m sure that can be arranged.  Also, drama queen much?  He says he’d rather have lost in a Gulag, and he’s sure the red team will win.  Has he met the red team?  Oh well, they say their farewells, and his team is sad to see him go.  He leaves them with some words of encouragement and inspiration that they won’t hear until after the challenge is over, so way to waste your breath, bro.

A mohawked Luke gets the honor and privilege of reading the clue from TJ on their <product placement>.  Key words:  raining buckets?  For once, we don’t get a montage of people trying to figure out what this means.  Melinda declares that they need to win for Chet.

This week’s challenge is called Sky Hook.  The players have to climb onto swinging, suspended rings (high above water, just like most challenges this season).  One player stays on the platform and they teams have to pass the basketballs to the lead player, who must try to throw them into the hoop.  The time limit is 20 minutes, and all of the players need to be on a ring (except for one) before they can start shooting.  For every player that falls, teams lose one ball.  They have 10 balls.

Dunbar:  ”Ten balls?  Sounds like a Tuesday afternoon.”

Tori:  ”I’ll never be able to fit ten balls in my vice grip!”

The red team is up first, and none of them are too eager to get started.  Tyler, the gay guy, nominates Brandon, the black guy, to be the one trying to make baskets.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.  Brandon is not too happy about this, but agrees to do what his team wants.  He starts climbing and swinging along, and the team hasn’t gotten too far by the 10 minute halfway point.  Camila notes hesitation on Brad’s part.  When they get down to 5 minutes left, they have Camila and Melinda jump off so they can shoot their 8 balls without having to waste more time climbing.  Problem is, Brandon’s only on like the middle ring, so his attempts are futile and he misses all of the shots.  Bananas is quick to mock via confessional, as always, while TJ clutches his air horn and looks especially distraught.

It’s okay, bro, you still get paid.  Oh, maybe he’s just trying to figure out if he can make a bong out of his air horn.

The blue team is up next, and Derrick says he’s putting this challenge on his massive shoulders.  If he can’t hit couple of shots, he’ll go into the Gulag.  They get onto their rings seemingly very quickly, and then I see “uncensored” footage of Bananas pulling down Derrick’s pants, followed by Clare Danes petting a dog, Christina Aguilera telling me to “donate” at certain restaurants (which I first heard as “don’t eat” so maybe that’s a poor advertisement), and then Clare Danes is petting a dog with her lustrous eyelashes again.  Too much, MTV.  Too.  Damn.  Much.

Anyway, Derrick misses his first shot, and then the next four balls don’t even make it to him.  But then!  He sinks four out of the last five, which is pretty damn good, I must say.  Good for him.  Abram is very dismayed in his confessional.

The gray team climbs onto the rings as Abram tells us that despite taking the leadership role, he is convinced he’s going to fall and he sucks at basketball.  Sarah is cheerleading from her spot on the platform as the first ball get passed along.  Skull Beads gingerly extends her arm toward Laurel, who gives a mocking confessional calling her a ballerina and telling her not to drop the ball.  And you’ve probably noticed I’m no huge fan of Skull Beads, but damn!  Hyper-critical much, Laurel?  Good thing she’s not slightly overweight or a ginger, otherwise Laurel would have Skull Beads’ head mounted on a wall by now.

Anyway, Abe misses a couple but still manages to sink 5 with balls to spare (despite Derrick’s awesome heckling from the ground), so the gray team wins.  The blue team is very disheartened.   Teej make his obligatory announcements and then sends them back to the house so the gray team can enjoy dinner with the others make their votes.

The gray team declares today an “impossible win” for some reason.  I mean, the blue team did well, but clearly it wasn’t THAT impossible.

Bananas gathers his cronies and declares that loss a “swift kick in the nuts.”  Something tells me he has experience many of those in his lifetime.  Derrick, for some reason, decides that he deserves to go in, and Bananas says it’s big of him and “way to step up.”

Meanwhile, he’s already plotting excuses for why he shouldn’t go in next time.

Emily also volunteers herself since she is a rookie, and Bananas expresses confidence in both of them.  He claims that the red team can only point fingers at each other, which is probably what they’re doing right now.  Let’s find out, shall we?

That is precisely what is happening, it turns out.  They all point a finger or two until Tori say it’s pointless, and they should all make their votes based on their own personal opinions.

Time for the voting montage!  The only noteworthy thing is that a couple of red team members who usually vote for Camila decide on Melinda instead.  Teej comes in to announce the results.  The blue team, as we all knew, is Emily and Derrick.  TJ says he hopes whoever is going against Derrick is ready for a fight, which for some reason earns a round of applause from the red team.  Speaking of the red team, all but two team members got votes, and my first thought is that those two must be Brad and Tori.  This is enough of a cliffhanger to warrant a commercial break.

When we return, we learn that Tori and Tyler are the two who did not receive votes.  I’m pretty surprised, since Brad seems to be viewed as some sort of deity on the team, but then I remember that Camila mentioned his hesitation during the challenge.  The editors didn’t just throw that line in for no reason.  Anyway, it turns out that Camila will get the night off and Melinda will go into the Gulag.  The guys must be better friends though, because they still send Brandon in.  Teej goes so far as to call it “the worst decision” he’s seen so far.  He gives them a lecture, and Brandon tells us that he’s just over it.

Melinda and Walnuts chat while Melinda packs.  She says she’s surprised that none of her friends on the team gave her a hint or a sympathy look to let her know she’d be going in.

Well, that’s probably because you exceed the quota for sympathy looks per episode all by yourself, lady.

They, like me, are more shocked about the almighty Brad receiving a vote than anything else.  They debate it at length and come to no conclusions save for “careful ain’t the word for this game.”  Whatever that means.  They also don’t mention Camila, even though she’s the one person on their team they don’t have control over, so you’d think that would cross their minds.

During a night out on the town, Camila confirms my suspicions that she was the one to vote for Brad.  She also, for some reason, decides to pass this nugget of information along to Brad himself.  He takes it terribly.  Honestly, I didn’t expect that from him.  He’s usually pretty level-headed when he’s not goading Darrell into causing him to nearly lose an eye.  She was just trying to be straightforward with him, which he usually appreciates, but this time he decides he’s no longer going to stick up for Camila.

And if you thought Brad didn’t take it well, Tori is even more pissed.  She decides that since Brad is her husband, Camila will be going in every time until she goes home.  Camila correctly reminds us that everyone was supposed to vote for whoever they wanted, and there was little discussion about who should go in.  Laurel tries to convince Camila that she didn’t do anything wrong, while telling us Camila shouldn’t have said anything since the voting is anonymous.  Tori, meanwhile, is still furious and promises us that Camila will go into elimination every time until she goes home.

“She doesn’t even have balls that I can collect for my vice grip!”

Holy crap, Tori needs to calm down.  She’s acting like Camila murdered her husband, instead of saying his name out loud for perfectly valid reasons.  Standing by your man does not require a stage 5 meltdown, woman.  Please dial it down like 49 notches, thanks.  Walnuts also thinks Camila is a “little baby whore,” as if that’s relevant.  Camila gets so angry that she breaks glass and shrieks as she walks away.

Back at the house, Camila tries to have a polite conversation with Tori to explain her reasoning.  All Tori does is promise to vote for Camila every time, and she says it as snottily as possible.  Bananas tells us that Tori thinks being with Brad gives her diplomatic immunity, so she can say whatever she wants and not have to answer for any of it.  He says he doesn’t want to disrespect Brad’s wife, but he “can’t stand the bitch.”  Damn, I HATE it when I agree with Bananas, but for once I do.

Camila moves on to Walnuts, who is a little nicer but still pretty dismissive, while Dunbar giggles in the corner and Camila is in tears.

“Why are you looking for my approval?  I’ve lost A HUNDRED CHALLENGES!”

Jenn tells us that she doesn’t understand why the red team treats Camila like crap, since all she’s done is help them win challenges.  Paula gives one of her patented nonsensical monologues about how she’s been doing this since Camila was in braces and everyone’s a bitch and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Emily and Derrick are both feeling good about their respective chances in the Gulag.  The small blue team is in good spirits despite their circumstances.

Skull Beads tells Brandon she’s surprised his team keeps sending him in.  She tells him and Melinda that if either of them wins their Gulag, the blue team is “done.”  Derrick leaving would be rough for them, but Emily probably wouldn’t make or break them.  Brandon’s having trouble getting pumped up about a situation he doesn’t deserve to be in, and if he comes back he’s ‘done’ with his team.  For some reason, that means more when he says it than it did when Sammi said it on Jersey Shore.

The Gulag this week is our first repeat:  Handcuffs.  The players have to wrestle plastic rings out of their opponents’ hands.

Figures these racists would give the black guy “Handcuffs.”

I’m pretty sure the first time they played this, they only had to get three points, but now it’s five.  The stakes have increased!  Dramatic!  Sarah reminds us that Brandon has already won this, but Derrick can wrestle like nobody’s business.  She, like me, has little faith in Melinda’s ability to win.

The girls are up first.  Melinda tells us that Emily’s choking her, she’s eating dirt, swallowing hair, etc.

Hair’s probably not the worst thing she’s ever swallowed.

That picture is pretty representative of the whole round.  Dan tells us that everyone is shocked because Melinda fought 10 times harder than anyone expected, but Emily still wins with 5 straight points.  She’s thrilled, her team is thrilled, and she hugs Melinda before rejoining them.  Melinda even gets a nice little speech from Teej about how he didn’t know she had that in her.  Awww, he’s proud of her.  I want TJ to be proud of me!  Melinda claims that this has been a learning experience for her, but I have no idea what she could have learned so I guess I’ll have to take her word for it.

But does your mouth feel clean, you LINK LICKER?

It’s the guys’ turn, and this should be pretty epic.  I’m sad though, because I really like both of them and I wish they weren’t going up against each other.  They start wrestling, and there is a look of utter terror in Bananas’ eyes as he contemplates losing his only remaining safety net.  He looks much happier after Derrick wrestles the first two handcuffs away from Brandon while the rest of the blue team screams and cheers.  Brandon says he’s trying, but it’s tough to do anything against “the small little tight ball of muscle” that is Derrick.

It causes them to be in this position for most of the time, which I find utterly hilarious for some reason.  Lack of sleep perhaps.

And sure enough, Derrick quickly shuts him out.  Poor Brandon.  I really feel bad for him, but it was nice to get a reminder of what a BADASS Derrick can be sometimes.

To their credit, Derrick and Bananas both give Brandon some words of respect/encouragement.  Jenn celebrates their shutout and tells us that their strongest players are going in now, which is just stupid if you ask me.  There is no advantage to keeping weak players around, since it will make it harder to do the final AND result in more people to split the money with.  But hey, who am I to think logically?  I’d fit in terribly on the red team, that’s for damn sure.

Anyway, TJ and Derrick have nothing but nice things to say about Brandon, while Paula says he was never going to make it to the final since she would never vote the other guys into elimination over him.  It boggles the mind how you’ve never won a challenge, Walnuts.

Brandon can’t do much but give a metal eye roll to his team in his exit interview.  Listen, dude:  there’s a reason that none of the players on the red team have ever won a challenge.  I really do feel bad for him, he’s my favorite guy on that team.  He’s definitely, as TJ said, “no slouch,” but Derrick is a force and always has been.  I forget sometimes, because I can’t remember the last elimination round he was in, so it was very nice to get this reminder.  I just wish it had been against any of the other guys instead of Brandon.

Respect, dude.  I will miss your self-awareness most of all.

Teej points out that the teams have now been evened out to 6 red, 6 gray, and 5 blue players before sending them on their way.

Back at the house, Jenn and Paula get into a screaming match over who has lost more challenges.  That’s literally what they fight about.

Don’t take on Bret Walnuts when it comes to whining about losing challenges.  You will not win.

Meanwhile, Laurel is standing there looking relieved that someone’s being a bigger, louder bitch than her for once.  And I’m sitting here contemplating how many challenges Brad has lost, since he’s probably the only one who can compete with Walnuts in that respect.  Wikipedia confirms my suspicions, it says that Brad is on his eighth Challenge with zero wins.  Also, that Wikipedia page is terrible distracting.

Next week:  Well, I don’t know what happens next week, but Later This Season:  Stretchers!  Vomit!  CT!  Lots of other stuff.  It’s going to be good.

So basically, this episode showed me again how hapless the red team is.  It’s no wonder they have the most vets without any wins.  They did finally wise up and send Melinda in, but it’s hard to justify sending Brandon in for a fourth straight Gulag.  Plus, they haven’t been good at many challenges.  As for the blue team, I’m just curious to see what Bananas does after their next loss.  Will he volunteer, or try to get Derrick blamed?  And which girl will they send in?  Ditto the gray team.  Basically, what I’m saying is that the votes are about to get interesting.  I was sad to see Brandon go, he’s a good competitor, a good guy, and still fun to watch.  As for Melinda, I am neither surprised or upset by her loss, but I was a little surprised that the red team gave Camila the week off.  What did you guys think?