The Duel: Damned If You Duel….

Last time on the duel: Lando and Brit won the challenge, Dunbar was busted making out with Kimberly, and she went home packing. Jenn kicked Kimberly’s ass and Derek sent Big E home, and a recapper fell way, way, WAY behind. Cue the tribal chants and stupid facial expressions that will go down in history as the Worst. Opening. EVER.

This episode begins with the ladies in the hot tub! Yay-yo! But its Diem, Paula, Jenn and Rachel so not that exciting.

Paula thinks that Dunbar is really mad at her, and I have to agree. He’s stuck with you, the girl who threatened to stomp on his balls, rather then Kim, the girl who wanted to suck on them.

Aneesa tells us that things are getting dirty as they get closer to the end, saying “no one has ever seen $100k before.” Hello, you’ve been on like 500 challenges already.

Diem and Dunbar talk, and in some weird, twisted way, I REALLY want them to hook up. Heads would explode, hell would freeze over and monkeys would fly out of Evan’s butt. But alas, no hook up is in the cards, and Diem tells him to get a friend with a penis which I actually find to be good advice. He says he wishes Kim was here, and Diem rolls her eyes like Evan just told one of his classic interview one-liners. Point for Diem!

Elsewhere, MJ is playing the Daddy card again, saying him and his wife are planning on their second child. I hope she makes you cut your hair when you get home because, DAMN.

Challenge time! There’s some wierd contraption with ropes and barrels. TJ welcomes us in his usual monotonous manner to “beautiful Queenstown.” Homeboy can’t summon up an ounce of excitement for this place, maybe MTV should move the next challenge to Amsterdam?

In today’s challenge, called Burnt, we finally FINALLY have individual challenges. Evan thinks its his time to shine and be the champion he was born to be. His words not me.

In Burnt, you’re suspended above the water in a harness with a pulley connected to a barrel. You have to pull on our rope so your flag gets to the barrel. If you’re the last one your barrel blows up your line and you fall. This is a total guy challenge—I predict Lando or Mark

Mark lets us in on a secret: “I have a really sneaky game plan–to pull fast.” Oh Mark, you tell jokes like my Pop-Pop.

The guys heat is first, and they all start yanking like a bunch of 40-year old virgins. Derek is the first one to blow up and fall.

In the next heat, Dunbar drops, followed by MJ. Oh, guess you don’t want another kid THAT bad!

Brad, Lando, Mark and Evan are left. Evan says he “feels like a giant pinata and the world is kicking my ass.” Oh how I wish that was true, and we could all stand single file behind his bent over ass and kick him

Evan gets DQed and I’m not even sure how that’s possible in this challenge. I’m sure Diem will figure it out too.

Down to Landon, Mark and Brad, and they are all looking pretty slow. Mark’s out next. Should’ve taken an extra dose of Centrum Silver.

The final two are Lando and Brad, and shock of all shocks, Lando wins! He looks exhausted so maybe he’s not a robot after all. But I still have my suspicions….

Is it odd that I find this sexy?

Girls are next. Paula knows she has to win or go to the duel. Let’s hope duel because I’m finding her extra annoying this season.

As the girls hang in their harnesses, Evan is making fun of Diem once again, saying she probably peed in her wet suit. What’s he doing making fun of Diem?! That’s my job.

Paula is the the first one out, so much for that stellar “win or go to the duel” plan.

Jenn is next to drop, then Tori DQs herself saying she can’t breathe. She is like 100 lbs soaking wet, WTF? I could believe if Aneesa had said that, she has some junk in the trunk.

Four girls are left–Diem, Aneesa, Brit and Rachel, who should probably be competing in the men’s heat. Annessa’s out next, followed by Diem, which leaves Rachel and Brittini. They are pretty neck and neck but Brit pulls it off and sends the she-man into the water.

So Lando and Brit win! How….predictable. Even though it’s an individual challenge, we still have the same results.

The Dynamic Duo have to figure out who they are going to “save” even though we all know its BULLSHIT. I try for the sake of you, dear readers, not to lose my shit every time I hear people ponder for more then two seconds on who they are going to “save” from the duel because we all know they really aren’t safe.

Anyways, the pick Brad, who of course picks Tori, who picks Mark, who picks Rachel (hey, I thought you had to pick a member of the opposite sex, Mark!), who picks Evan, who picks Diem even though we all know he hates her, who picks MJ, who picks Aneesa, leaving Dunbar, Derek, Paula and Jenn left.

Aneesa picks Derek, who picks Jen, which leaves Dunbar and Paula in the DUEL. Insert hyena laugh of triumph!

Paula thinks for about 2 seconds about who to take into the duel, and decides on…..Aneesa?! WHAT?! What about Diem and Tori??! Both are weak, not too bright and not to mention god-awful annoying. I love Brad too and wouldn’t want to piss him off by picking his woman, but I also REALLY like $100k. Ugh.

Dunbar picks MJ and won’t even look him in the eye. You. are. such. a. PUSS.

They pick their games and Paula picks Back Off. Aneesa is delighted, and so am I.

Dunbar gets The Elevator. Back at the house, Dunbar is walking around punching things. How wonderful. MJ talks about his family and being overjoyed at losing and seeing him again, which is kinda sweet. I’m sorry for about 5 seconds about all the mean things I’ve said about him. Aaaannnnddd…..I’m over it. Back to normal.

Paula and Dunbar talk about a bunch of bullshit that no one really cares about and I check out and try to count the tiles in the kitchen. 47. 47 tiles in my kitchen.

Evan and Dunbar talk about what a crazy bitch Walnuts is. Now this is a conversation I’m interested in. Evan goes to talk to Paula, and once again, WOW. She thinks she’s the victim and a pawn in the game. Don’t you remember screwing your alliance over about 4 episodes ago?

The next part of their conversation is so entertaining, I must describe it verbatim:

Paula: Name one person who wants me here
Evan: I do
Paula: No, a REAL person

Hee hee, oh Paula, I agree. Nobody who looks that goofy and says such stupid shit should be classified as a real person.

Dunbar tries to talk some sense into Paula, and for a crazy anger management meathead, he tries his best to speak in calm neutral tones like you are supposed to with a rabid animal like Paula. She’s totally loving all this attention.

Anesa is cornrowing MJ’s hair and thank god for that because I can’t take any more of this horrible Justin Guarini was raped by Sideshow Bob hair.

Duel time! FINALLY! I was running out of things to think of instead of paying attention to Paula.

The boys are up first, and as Dunbar and MJ listen to TJ explain the rules, Dunbar does his best to look intimidating but ends up look like he’s constipated.

Evan lets us all know its “our first big kid match, we should sell tickets.” Wait, weren’t you just in the Duel? Did you just dis yourself?!

TJ blows the bong–I mean, whistle, and the race is looking pretty close. Both are getting pretty tired until Mark yells at MJ “do it for Bella!” and MJ KICKS DUNBAR ASS! Yay Mark! Dunbar, Please take Paula home with you.

In the ladies Back Off challenge, it gets very physical and brutal. I love how the chick ones are more physical then the guys one. Aneesa gets the first hook. Evan says she looks like a big angry lesbian. He also tells us the sky is blue and the grass is green, so thank you Captain Obvious.

Aneesa gets the second hook and sends Paula’s ass home. Thank god these two are gone!

Next time on the duel: I dont know because my tivo cut off, but check back soon for a super-special two-in-one re-cap edition that will mean I’m finally caught up!

Where are the hookups? Where is the drunkeness? WHERE, i ask you, WHERE?! I dont give a shit about physical challenges. Show me drunken hook ups, morning after pills, and empty tequila bottles!