The Gauntlet 3: Chauvinistas!!!!

Hi Gasmii, I’m HayHor and I’m guest recapping for THE GAUNTLET III this week. I’m really happy to be writing our newest episode, because it’s a doozy. We’ll see Beth and Coral reenact Godzilla vs. Mothra! Katie turns into a psychopath once again! The veteran boys show us other reasons besides chronic gonnorhea that girls don’t like them – chauvinism! Are you in? Well if that doesn’t hook you, how about a picture of Beth after od’ing on Proactive?!

Call me a bigot, but I practice R(os)ac(ea)ism.

We start with a lovely day in Puerto Vallarta as CT, Danny and Evan plot to get rid of all their girl teammates and “cut the fat”. There are five girl gauntlets left and they have four girls on their team to get rid of. Evan says that his “back is sore…ladies the free ride is over.” If only he had a moustache, that would’ve been much funnier.

Don’t be mistaken – Moustache rides are never over.

Danny says that as long as a girl goes home, he’s a “happy campah”. He then says, “sorry ladies. Your time is up,” all while wearing something that makes him look like a trannie cancer patient/hulk hogan’s boyfriend. Clearly he can be taken seriously.

I got wicked gravitas.

Frank suspects the veterans of blowing competitions on purpose, but thinks the rookies are better off anyway with more numbers. The veteran girls suspect the guys of wanting to blow it too, as Coral and Ev get themselves and the ladies riled up about it. Katie says they should tell the veteran guys that if they don’t put in 100% during the competitions the girls won’t do it for them. This is ironic, of course, coming from Katie because, as her history proves, she’s usually scratching her ass on the sideline and puffing on a Benson and Hedges. After the girls spew their vitriol, the veterans all hang out a little later, and CT’s dressed like Master Raiden or Ernest Hemmingway after a bender.

Got absinthe?

While they hang out, they have a discussion about trimming the fat, but Brad is uncomfortable with it. He wisely(?) thinks the girls will flip out if they talk about it, and of course Katie flips out. Maybe it’s because of editing and the fight was escalating, but I prefer to think Katie is just batshit insane and she flipped.

For comedy’s sake, let’s hope it’s the latter.

The teams receive their clue about the next challenge and Joanna is pumped because she’s been hearing that the veterans will be getting rid of some of their ladies. They all go to the gauntlet chanting and throwing their arms in the air like the cool, hilarious people that they are. The gauntlet task is to disassemble a blocked out recreation of some Mayan pyramids, and reassemble it a few feet away. Clearly, these teams are going to struggle like the dumb, beautiful Neanderthals that they are.

“Cavemen got nothing on us”

Rachel is worried that she’ll be going home because she’s heard her name discussed for the gauntlet in the past, and they’re the “under, under, under, under dogs.” Which also happens to be Rachel’s favorite sex act, so it’s in the stars for her.

Underdog

CT explains in his perfect logic, how the girls are the brain and the guys are the brawn. “You girls just tell us where you want to put the pieces and we’ll mix them up…without them knowing, see what I’m saying?” Brilliance. Adam notices that even though the guys are trying to throw it, they’re still pretty much keeping pace with the pathetic rookies. Danny, of course, acts like a cocky douchebag and starts running laps around the pyramid during the challenge, shocked that the girls are noticing. Clearly the girls are noticing, they’re just resigned to the fact that the guys are throwing the challenge. Thanks for living up to your reputation as someone no one likes, Danny.

Dare to underachieve!

Beth admits that she knows the guys are trying to blow the competition so she can go in the gauntlet and that they’re going to “trim the fat, as they say.” And by they, she means all of her ex boyfriends. Melinda sees that the rookies have a big lead, “but I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going.” Which doesn’t really make any sense, except that it’s Danny’s girlfriend, so we should only expect as much. Ultimately, the rookies win, so it looks like we’re going to get our big Beth and Coral smackdown.

Time to sacrifice a virgin! Ohhh, guess it’s slim pickens, huh?

Tori justifies putting Coral up in the gauntlet because she’s the vocal leader of the team. They protect Casey and put Coral in there. Coral doesn’t want to go up against Beth because, in all honesty, Beth is kind of Beastly and “has a good 50 pounds” on Coral. Coral also says she’s not about to be pushed up on a wall by her grandmother on steroids, which does sound scary. Plus, the calloused skin on Beth’s face can be used as steel wool in hand to hand combat.

“I will scratch the fuck out of your face with my face, bitch.”

During the team meeting everyone agrees that Beth has to be the one to go. Beth and Coral are going to be competing in ball brawl, which based on the way they play, looks kind of like special ed little league football. Because everything Beth does is special. Coral goes off on her team before the competition however for not living up to their word to not put her against Beth. Seriously though, Coral has nothing to be afraid of. Beth may have 50 lbs on her but that’s, how shall we say, a soft 50.

“I want a juicebox.”

Coral gives props to Beth for putting up a fight, while everyone else jokes about her age after that. Coral says she’s ultimately upset because her team put her against someone that she could’ve lost against, but that just sounds childish. No matter what, if Coral won it meant someone was going home, and yet she’s yapping about it like the other girls aren’t even there. I suppose, however, that Coral has her own brand of charming the world revolves around me syndrome, and I should just buy into it like the rest of America.

And who doesn’t love an egomaniac?!

Paula is happy that Derek is there for her, which probably means he’s going home in a few minutes. Good for Derek though, as Paula is looking like Tonya from Real World Seattle got a botched plastic surgery and too much sun. The guys are deliberating on who they think will be picked to go into the gauntlet, and during this discussion a question has popped in my head about CT. How can he go from looking like Jim Morrison to Guido Scarpelli in the blink of an eye…see for your self:

From “Riders on the Storm”…

…to riding in a Pontiac Firebird out to Hoboken.

Ryan and Derek have a discussion about who could go up, and they both sya they’d hate it if they had to go up against one another, which means they’re probably going up against one another (seriously, MTV, try a little fucking harder please to not reveal exactly how this episode is going to turn out next time). This challenge is called “Walk the Plank”. Teams have to walk across a plank while the other team tries to knock them off with medicine balls. So, the Gauntlet is stealing from American Gladiators. Or vice-versa. I don’t know which one is worse.

Adam forgets that once they swing by you, they come back, and then proclaims himself an idiot. Finally we have one person with sense on this show. Casey then walks the plank and CT says the balls bounce off of him like, “cream puffs.” Which for a bear like Casey, should be something he’s used to.

“Put a collar on me and call me slave!”

After the rookie guys go across, the veteran girls argue about the order in which they’ll go because it was the only thing they could argue about at that point and these chickenheads like to squawk. Cases is scared about going up there in the first place, “let alone having 18 balls flying at me.” (insert obvious joke here).

Two balls or 18, this girl is intimidated

The veterans end up winning this battle of the balls, and Ryan is a prime nominee since he was protected last week and can’t be protected again. Paula, meanwhile, is trying to protect Derek from getting nominated, but we all know exactly where this is heading. The veterans end up protecting MJ and sending in Derek, since he’s the rookies best player and they figure he’ll go up against Ryan. The rookies are trying to figure out who to send, Frank or Ryan. Frank makes his case, but he should really just keep his mouth shut – I don’t know how anyone listening to this tool wouldn’t want to send him home at any possible opportunity.

Frank, before you open your mouth, I just wanted to let you know that you’re really, really lame.

Ryan says his feelings are hurt that he was voted into the gauntlet and he hopes he can win so he can give a big middle finger to everyone, but Derek’s huge so odds aren’t so good. On the other hand, the Gauntlet selection is sliders, and Derek says he’s not so good at puzzles, since he can’t bang them with a stick or punch them until they go away. Isn’t the emotional immaturity of a meathead fascinating?!

“I want my mommy.”

The veterans start helping out Ryan since Derek is clearly a much more important part of the team. Their advice works and Ryan ends up pulling this one right out from under Derek. Paula will be devastated, but dumb hoes are a dime and dozen in the real world, and I’m sure Derek will be in fine shape. Danny says it couldn’t have worked out any more perfectly for them as they got rid of the Rookies’ best player and kept their worst. Does any one feel that draft? Or did I just get the shivers from Danny actually making sense.

“Melinda says I give hah wicked shivers all da time.”

Well that’s it for this week. The rookies are basically fucked from here on out, as are the veteran girls (this time figuratively, not literally). Next week, people yell and scream at each other, girls act hoey, and meatheads act like assholes! It was fun this week, but like any good one night stand, I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek and say adios before you can even wake up. MMmmmwaaaahh gasmi. Love (well really more like like, and that’s after a few drinks), Hayhor.