The Ruins: You’re Such a Boob

Previously on The Ruins: Wombat was a drunk, Wus was a maniac and Kellyanne was a slut and a whore. I think that pretty much covers it. Oh, wait, and Evan was an ass.

A bunch of the Champs are sitting around and talking about — what else — Wus. Evan is pissed because Wus has done nothing to repair his relationship with the team. Now, I’m not prepared to defend Wus just yet but it’s not like The Brain Trust (Evan, Kenny and Johnny) are completely blameless. I don’t recall any of them reaching out to make amends either.

Who’s in charge of headgear on this show? I do not approve. Johnny is going to reverse-psychology the crap out of Wus, dictate that they’re making performance-based decisions and when Wus throws missions, they’ll use that to justify throwing him into the Ruins every time.

Fat Asian (which I’m now shortening to Fasian because it takes too long to type and I’m nothing if not lazy) explains to them that they can’t be enemies with Wus the entire time and then come together at the end to win the final challenge. Also, if Wus is on their team, she doesn’t think they’ll lose any challenges at all.

Here’s the deal, Fasian: Have you seen your team? The Champions are stacked. Even if the final challenge was the Challenger Guys versus the Champion Girls, the girls could win in a heartbeat. Wus is unnecessary. In fact, I bet Veronica and Fasian have more testosterone in their little pinkies than all the Challenger Guys combined.

Johanna suggests that the guys have a meeting with Wus to smooth things over. If they do and if Wus is still an ass and they decide to throw him in every time, Johanna will support that.

Fasian moves outside to talk to Kellyanne. Kellyanne tells her that Johanna asked if she and Fasian were like BFFs and wanted to know what they talked about.

Kellyanne tells us that Fasian is 55% of the reason why she decided to come to the challenge.

Fasian goes on to explain that she and Kellyanne are in the same position: They’re the strongest girls on their team and the teams are made up of weak, insecure women that want to get rid of them because they’re scared. That and the Challenger Girls don’t like Kellyanne.

Kellyanne says that Johanna shows her no respect (could be because you’re sleeping with her ex-fiance but I can’t be sure) and even though Johanna says that she has no problem with Kellyanne, she’s quick to say that Kellyanne is a slut and a whore and has fake boobs. Isn’t truth an absolute defense?

Ugh. Now it’s Johanna’s turn to talk to Wus and explain that if Wus decides to be a team player they can get through this and make money. She accuses Wus of parading around the house with his girlfriend and tells us that there’s just something about Kellyanne that she dislikes.

Or could it be that she’s sleeping with your ex-fiance? I just wish we could figure out this tricky little riddle. Wus cries about the fact that he was supposed to be such an important person in Johanna’s life and then she goes and fucks Kenny on national television.

So Wus is still hurt that Johanna slept with Kenny and Johanna is hurt that Wus is sleeping with Kellyanne. Wus is pissed that she doesn’t understand where he’s coming from and she’s tired of trying to be his friend and trying to protect him.

Then they get a clue: It’s time to get into the swing of things. And they’re told to wear bathing suits and team uniforms. Cohutta is charge of reading the clue and explains that the Challengers are down two players and it would be great to pull out a “W” because no one likes to lose.

Is it just me or he could he be cute if he didn’t speak? Evan says that what separates the Champions from the Challengers is that they know how to lie, cheat, steal and screw each other over just to win a little cash. You know, if I had to choose one, I would rather Cohutta be my spokesperson. Just saying.

Kenny, Johnny, Katie and Johanna are figuring out strategy. Johnny says that since Wus is playing for himself and not the team, they’re going to go after Kellyanne because she’s the closest thing he has to family. Katie tells him that she’s already nominated herself and that the other two are going to be Fasian and Susie. Then Johnny suggests that Fasian goes in against Kellyanne.

Katie says that Kellyanne is an asset to the Challengers and to get rid of her would help the Champions. Johanna just thinks it would be an awesome match. Right.

Evan tells us about his magical plan to throw Kellyanne under the bus against her best friend Kellyanne. Except I think you mixed a metaphor there or something. He’s sitting with Casey and Rumer and explaining the genius of the plan. The Challenger Girls will be happy because they won’t have to go into the Ruins and the Champions will be happy because they get to piss off Wus. Again. Casey feels like a skeeving, conniving, little bitch. Except I think she means “scheming.”

Rumer says she doesn’t have anything against Kellyanne but she is sleeping with the other team. Rumer wants the people on her team to be on her team and I think she gives too much weight to this whole team concept. She might want to think about holding onto the girls who aren’t Boobs or Brianna. They aren’t going to get you your “W”.

Casey takes two horse tranquilizers and tells us — very slowly — that it’s the match up of the century. It’s Fasian versus Kellyanne. It’s the two toughest girls. And she wants this to happen. Glad we can help you, semi-anonymous player.

The Challengers are voting by (sort of) secret ballot and Boobs nominates herself and asks everyone else to write her name down. Brad asks her why and she says it’s because she slacked on the last challenge and couldn’t pull herself up the rope.

Casey also nominates herself but Brad is suspicious. He’s fine with Boobs’ reasoning but thinks there’s more to Casey’s self-nomination than “I just want to nominate myself” but he’s not smart enough to actually figure out what it is. Kimberly explains that the girls have decided to throw Kellyanne in the Ruins because they’re not as fond of her as they are of other girls so they don’t care if Kellyanne goes home. Except Kellyanne may be their only shot at putting up a decent fight in this competition.

Brad thinks they should wait until they get to the challenge to decide on the last girl going in so nothing gets leaked to the other team. Except the other team has already decided who you’re going to pick. But whatever.

So everyone shows up at the challenge and TJ explains, as he will do every episode, that each team must pick three guys and three girls for possible nomination into the Ruins. The six from the winning team will ultimately decide which guy and which girl from each team will end up competing. He gives the teams ten minutes to pick their nominees.

On the Champions side: Wus suggests what he thinks it’s the fairest method. He will put on his stupid dunce cap (which he’ll have to get back from Evan), go in this time and then they can call it even. Going forward, they’ll pick three different guys each time and they’ll pick out of a hat to decide which of the three will go into the Ruins. He says that if the team doesn’t agree, it’s obvious that they don’t want to play fair and just want to throw Wus in every time. Isn’t it obvious that this is what they’re doing? Whether or not they agree with Wus’ plan?

The Champions pretend to agree with Wus’ Super Fair System and Wus congratulates them because now he’s going to kick ass. Evan tells us that everyone “agrees” with Wus knowing full well that they’re throwing his girlfriend into the Ruins and that they’re never going to pick names from a hat.

On the Challenger side: Adam announces the results of the Super Top Secret, Secret Ballot Vote. For the girls, Kellyanne got six votes so it’s Kellyanne, Casey and Boobs. For the boys, Cohutta got nine votes, Nick got eight votes and Danny and Adam tied with six votes each.

TJ asks for the nominations. Johanna announces for the Champions: Derrick, Wus and Johnny for the guys, and Kate the Great, Fabulous Susie and Little Assassin Eve for the girls. Those are the worst nicknames ever.

Boobs announces for the Challengers: Cohutta, Nick and Danny for the guys, and Kellyanne, Boobs and Casey for the girls.

Boobs tells us that the really good thing about the Ruins is that if you win, you get to take the money in the bank account of the person that you beat. Like Boobs can beat anyone.

The Challenge is Swing On By. There are two platforms separated by a fence suspended above the water. Each player has to launch themselves off the first platform and swing on a rope, over the fence and land on the second platform. The second platform is very narrow and is backed by a wall so if you slam into the wall and fall back into the water, you have to return to the first platform and swing again. It’s a timed event and the team to get all players on the second platform in the fastest amount of time, wins.

The prize is some sort of mobile webcam. I think it’s like a camera Roomba or something. I don’t want one.

Because the Challengers lost two players last week, the Champions have to decide which two players will sit out. They also get to choose which team goes first. Evan tells us that they’re sitting out Katie because she sucks and Syrus because he’s not as good as the rest of us. I hate Evan.

Oh, and the Challengers are going first. Adam tells us that the Challengers’ strategy is to have the first two people on the platform be guys so they can pull the girls on. And they begin. Most of them swing and land without a problem and then Casey is up. She misses the platform entirely and Kellyanne and Brad complain that she’s being suspect. They’re not sure if she’s just that bad or if she’s throwing the challenge.

Speaking of bad, Boobs is up. She makes it about a foot off the first platform, loses her grip and lands face first in the water. It’s not good.

Danny is screaming at her to try and the Champs are alternating between hysterical laughter and shouting “yes you can!” Boobs gets up again and she falls into the water for a second time and is out of the competition.

Boobs starts yelling that she busted her implant and ends up on a stretcher clutching her chest. Kellyanne says it went from anger to laughter to “is she okay?” I mean, she’s heard of implants bursting and it really makes her scared. Cue maniacal laughter.

Boobs gets hauled away in an ambulance and you want to feel bad for her but . . .

The Champs are up and Johnny feels confident. They’re doing it like it’s something they practice everyday. Until Ibis is up. She flies off the first platform and right into the fence, she says, as if it was her job. And you’re fired. I’m now rooting for Ibis to win this whole thing because if anyone needs boob improvement funds, it’s her.

The rest of the Champs make it to the landing platform and Fasian tells us that they should win and then she’ll be in a position of power when she gets to decide who is going to be into the Ruins.

Since the Challengers couldn’t get all of their players to the landing platform, the Champions win. TJ reminds the six Champion nominees that have to select the Ruins match-ups and says that even though Boobs is in the hospital, she’s still eligible. Because that would be fair.

Fasian, Susie, Katie, Johnny, Wus and Derrick are making the decision. Johnny asks Wus who he wants to go against and he selects Nick. Everyone agrees, the decision is made and Wus puts the names on the wall. How nice and friendly.

Then it’s time to decide for the girls. Wus asks the girls if any of them want to go in. Fasian says she’ll go in if she can go against Casey. Wus is cool but Johnny says he’s not.

Johnny pretends that it’s for the betterment of the team if Fasian goes in. The reason they won the last two challenges is because of Casey and Boobs and no one wants to see them go home yet. Susie announces that she wants Fasian to go in.

Again, Fasian says she’ll go in but not against Kellyanne, only against Casey. Johnny tells her that the girls, as a team, voted for Fasian to go against Kellyanne and the guys are going to back that decision. Wus tells us that he and Fasian are totally blindsided and that both teams have staged a coup. Except that neither Wus nor Fasian were never in charge so it’s not so much a coup as much as it is a royal fucking over.

Wus and Fasian argue that’s it has always been that the person who is going in gets to pick who they’re going against. Always? You mean in every single one Ruins before this? Fasian is not okay with this and then all hell breaks loose. Wus and Fasian are up on Johnny screaming that it’s not fair and that Johnny is wrong. Johnny yells at Fasian to get the fuck out of his face and pushes her, Wus calls Johnny a fucking pussy and a bitch, and it’s just total chaos.

Susie tries to reason and says that if Fasian would just talk to them then maybe they could figure it all out. I think we’re way past talking, little girl. Fasian tells her to shut the fuck up and to stop running her condescending little mouth. Then Fasian gets all Wus and says that if she goes in against Kellyanne, she will screw the team as horribly as possible.

TJ walks in and needs to know who’s going in. He successfully reads “Wus and Nick” off the wall and tells them that since they haven’t chosen the girls, they have to go around and vote one at a time and there’s no more deliberation. Wus asks them all if it’s worth it to put their best girl at risk and Fasian promises to throw every challenge. No one cares and it’s Fasian against Kellyanne.

Syrus is sitting around being old and lizardy when Wus and Fasian storm in declaring that the challenge is over. The two of them go nuts. Wus is screaming that the Champs just lost the challenge because they have the two strongest motherfuckers really pissed and Fasian is running around, kicking shit and pretending to be scary. Wus declares everyone the worst human beings ever. Which I think may be a bit of an exaggeration.

Wus and Fasian tell Kellyanne that she’s going up against Fasian in the Ruins. Wus is still steaming and Fasian is sobbing like her cats died. And you know she owns at least two cats. Kellyanne is amazed that even Johnny has reach such a new low.

Wus brings it back to the Champ bedroom and screams at Johnny that he’s going to beat the shit out of him. Susie claims to be worried that it’s going to get violent.

Wus says that the fact that he’s more mad at Johnny than he is at Kenny shows what a low life Johnny is. Either that or Wus has more than enough roid rage to spread around. Wus steps to him, calls him a little bitch and Johnny spills the water he’s holding. Wus snaps and breaks into a crazy cackle.

Wus storms out and even though Johnny wants to light up every freckle on Wus’ face, it’s not worth the money. Kellyanne, Fasian and Wus are trying to figure out what to do. Fasian was already screwed over by The Brain Trust on the Island and doesn’t want to hang around and help them win another challenge. She doesn’t know if she actually wants to win this game at all.

It’s the next day and Boobs is back. Evan runs over to hug her and she pushes him away.

Boobs runs around the house telling everyone the dramatic story of how her boob is busted and she has to go home. I don’t like Kimberly but I would like to quote her: “Boobs has this elaborate story. Just say you’re going home because you have a bruise on your boob. Sorry.”

The Challengers are thrilled that Boobs is going home because even though she’s a sweet girl, she’s awful on the challenges. Boobs is sad to go home because she would love to prove how strong a competitor she is and when she comes back on the next challenge, she’s going to kick ass.

Wus and Evan have a relatively calm conversation. Wus explains that it was so stupid to keep Casey now and lose Fasian for the finals. They should have been thinking long term strategy versus short term strategy and the damage is irreparable. Evan doesn’t know what that means.

It means that it can’t be fixed. So maybe Wus isn’t as dumb as he looks. Evan tells us that their plan failed because no one expected Fasian to join the dark forces with Wus. That’s because none of you are very smart.

Back in the house, Johnny is trying to psych up Nick to beat Wus. He’s telling him that Wus has the weight of 10,000 universes on his back and he knows it. Johnny also says that any bridges that Wus has burned are now torched. These guys are idiots. Johnny says that Nick is more mentally fit and can beat Wus.

On the girls side, Fasian doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to stay but she doesn’t want to throw the challenge. She doesn’t know if she can hang up the Competitive Fasian, not give it her all and let Kellyanne win.

And we’re at the Ruins and the competition is Shadow Fighter. Each player is going to be attached to their opponent at the wrists and ankles by long ropes while standing on platforms spaced apart. The guys are up first and all of a sudden it starts pouring. I think MTV brought in a rain machine.

Adam thinks that it looks more like coordination and strategy than pure strength and Nick could have a chance.

Nick keeps slipping on the platform and struggles like a cockroach to get up. Through the power of editing, we’re led to believe that this could be close but Wus knocks Nick down twice pretty easily. Kimberly starts screaming at Nick to get up and to not just lay there. I can’t wait until this girl gets into a Ruins.

Nick goes down for a third time and it’s game over. Evan — who always has kind words — says that Nick looks like an old rag doll and he should hang his head low because his challenge days are over. Evan looks like a goat and should keep his mouth shut.

Wus is pleased that he beat Nick “with assertion” and he’s going to make the rest of his team regret their decisions. Nick says that making friends from this experience means more than any amount of money.

Then the girls are up and the first round looks like a good fight. For like a minute. Kellyanne pulls Fasian off the platform and it looks like a legitimate point. The second and third points go to Fasian and now no one knows what she’s going to do.

Fasian is standing on the platform like she’s waiting for a bus and Kellyanne is fighting like an animal. After a bit, Fasian just jumps down and it’s 2-2; next point wins. Kellyanne is frustrated because she doesn’t want to bust her ass if Fasian is just going to give up the whole thing or if she’s going to pull Kellyanne off the platform. Just do it and don’t make her suffer. But Fasian isn’t feeling generous — even for her best friend — and makes Kellyanne struggle for a bit before she jumps off and gives Kellyanne the win.

Fasian justifies quitting by saying that all she can do is what feels right. She could have beat Kellyanne but would then come back and throw the challenges because she wouldn’t want to help the Champs win. Susie calls her a quitter and TJ launches into his I Hate Quitters (And Maybe Even Fasian A Little Bit) speech.

TJ also tells Kellyanne that all of the money in Fasian’s bank account, $2800, is being transferred to Kellyanne’s account and she’s the only person on the Challengers with any money at this point. Fasian says that allowing herself to lose a competition (i.e. quitting) was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do but she did what she thought was right.

Johanna is talking to Wus and asks him to tell her if he’s going to throw the final mission. If so, she wants to go home. She tells him that she prays for him to lose every time he goes in. Wus says he has a lot of thinking to do and isn’t sure. Johanna decides to make it easy on him — if he throws the final mission, she will sell their house, which is in her name only, and she will keep every last penny.

If Wus wants to screw her out of $30,000, she will screw him out of $300,000. Wus says this is proof that Johanna has no concept of fair. I think it’s pure genius.

Wus shares the news with Kellyanne and Kellyanne cackles like a hyena. And this is funny why? Wus thought he was going to coast to the final and finds himself back and square one and doesn’t know what he’s going to do. This. Just. Got. Interesting.

Stay tuned next week when Dunbar, Darrell and Wombat return to the Ruins. Seriously — where were these guys? Also noticeably absent was Veronica but based on the previews, we now know she was trading communicable diseases with Evan. Is there a possibility that their hook-up could be the focus of the next episode because I’m kind of done with Wus and his roid rage for awhile.

Until next week!
TinyElvis.