The Ruins: All Proceeds From This Recap are Being Donated to Charity

Sincerest apologies for the delay! I’ve been sidelined with an evil virus that not only resulted in this very tardy recap (clearly of the highest priority) but also had me calling in sick on the second and third day of my brand new job. Clearly, I am allergic to employment and am in the process of convincing the government that this qualifies as a disability. I’ll let you know how that goes. But speaking of disabilities, let’s see what our favorite team of mentally-challenged monkeys are up to. Shall we?

The animals are let out of their cages and set free on a boat in whatever body of whatever Thailand sits in. (Forgive me – I’m barely upright. Google is a stretch right now.) Evan lets us know that he would like a Thai rubdown from Veronica. There are two reasons why: First, Evan has no taste. Second,

Again, because she is awake, Wombat is hammered. She decides climbing the boat’s mast is a good idea and when her teammates suggest she come up with a safer activity, she decides to make out with a “random local” female.

But one thing that Wombat enjoys about herself is that she does what she really wants to do. Which includes kissing strangers and vomiting. And not necessarily in that order.

Back at the house, Veronica is talking to Evan and complaining that she hasn’t had much practice at being a conniving, back-stabbing bitch since she hasn’t been on a challenge in so long. Sure you haven’t. She also tells Evan how fantastic and awesome he is and how no one can beat him and how she wishes she could be him.

Evan suggests that an alliance between the two of them could be very beneficial: Veronica would get to stay around while the non-allied, non-whore girls are picked off first and Evan would get his knob slobbed as often as he cared to.

Adam, Brad and Danny are sitting around discussing their strategy which involves not losing Challenges, not losing in the Ruins, performing to the best of their ability, and beating the Champions.

Ultimately, the three of them decide they are the strongest guys on their team so they’re willing to sacrifice themselves to the Ruins if it means they can win and stop losing players. A good time to adopt this plan would have been BEFORE you lost two men. Just saying.

Then it’s Good Times with Wus and Evan. Wus is annoyed that the team went back on their word. Remember Wus agreed to go into the last Ruins but suggested that the three guys nominated each time be a rotating group of three and then the one to go into the Ruins be picked from a hat. Remember also, that the rest of the team agreed. Wus — point blank — asks Evan if that’s how they’re going to do it and Evan says no.

Douche. Evan twitches a bit while he figures out how worm his wormy way out the conversation and decides to accuse Wus of turning everything around. Can’t Wus just pummel Evan and be done with it? Wus calls Evan selfish and a coward which gives Evan his cue to huff out of the room. But dude, is that a fucking lollipop on your shirt?

Evan complains that he can’t trust Wus (um, wonder why?) and Wus complains that the entire Champions team is a bunch of cowards.

Then something happens to my cable and I’m watching the Miss American pageant. It’s the interview portion of the show and Wus has just been asked “What would you do if you won the Ruins?” Wus tells the judges that all of the money will go to charity and that he would like to inspire fucking kids to do the right fucking thing. Oh and he wants ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends to respect each other.

Wus’ new strategy is to prove to the rest of the team that he’s NOT in it for the money. Like anyone there is in it for anything else! So he thinks that if he says he’ll give the money to charity, one, they’ll believe him and two, they’ll believe that he would never throw the game if a charitable donation was at stake. Fortunately, there’s not a soul on his team who believes him which makes me think they may be smarter than I give them credit for.

Then everyone gets a clue on their T-Mobile Sidekick: Do you know which of your team mates has your back? I’m guessing none. But the Challengers try and talk themselves up and say things like “the Champions need a reality check” and “we’re going to step it up.” What in holy hell are you guys waiting for?

Johnny, Syrus, Kenny and Derrick are discussing who should be nominated for the Champion men. Syrus and Kenny want Wus to go in every time but Johnny wants to give Wus the week off since they want to make sure he’s around to go up against the strongest Challenger men — to the extent any exist. By the way, Derrick and Johnny are now known as Chin Pubes 1 and Chin Pubes 2 because that’s all I can see when I look at them.

Wus and Evan are having another deep conversation where Wus tries to convince him that he wants to see change in people. He wants bad people to do good things. I personally prefer good people doing bad things but that’s just me. Evan promises that if Wus sets the example and holds his head high for each challenge, no matter who goes in, then Wus will start to see the change. Uh huh.

Evan then calls Wus the devil spawn because — GASP — he wants to keep himself to the very end! I’m sorry but is there some sort of altruistic motive that the rest of the players have that I haven’t been told about? Is Evan really busting his ass just so the Champions can win whether or not Evan is one of the final three? I’m just so confused.

Susie and Evan are also talking strategy and I think the end result is that Susie, Evan, Kenny, Johanna and Chin Pubes 2 are going to nominate themselves every time so that they can have the power to decide who goes into the Ruins. Evan then gives Susie that his word is guaranteed forever.

Susie is convinced that she can stay until the end if she aligns herself with Evan. Unfortunately, she’s not the girl that agreed to get naked with Evan so one of these alliances is going down. Pardon the pun.

And we’re on to the challenge and each team has ten minutes to nominate three guys and three girls for possible elimination in the Ruins. On the Challenger guys side, Danny, Adam and Brad nominate themselves because they want to set an example and show you have to be aggressive and proactive. Unfortunately, it falls on deaf ears because none of the Challenger girls step up.

Finally, Brianna and Rumer agree to go in and Adam declares that it will be Brianna Rumer and Casey. Casey complains that there wasn’t a vote, forces them to have a vote, and gets voted in.

On the Champion side, Evan asks Wus if he’s going to really play the game. Wus assures him that he will and then somehow convinces himself that he’s being permitted to sit this one out because the team buys his charity bullshit. Is Wus really that stupid? Never mind. Evan, Syrus and Kenny agree to go in for the guys.

Susie and Ibis nominate themselves for the Champion girls and both Katie and Wombat refuse to go in because they’ve already been in once.

Veronica says she hasn’t been in but doesn’t want to volunteer. Wus suggests a vote and Kenny and Chin Pubes 2 agree since Veronica is the only girl who hasn’t gone in yet. Evan votes for Wombat which Chin Pubes 2 is quick to point out is a mistake since Wombat already went in. Evan argues that he’s allowed to have his vote and his vote is Wombat. It doesn’t matter though, Veronica is going in.

Pubes 2 says he doesn’t respect Veronica’s mode of play. Instead of working hard and winning that way, she decides to get ahead by sleeping with the boss. Too bad Veronica forgot to agree to sleep with the rest of upper management because now we just might see her jiggly butt in the Ruins.

The challenge is Repo Race. The goal is get one member of the team through an obstacle course without allowing that person to touch the sand. In order to do that, the rest of the team has to lay themselves down, face first, like a road and allow the runner to step on them instead of the sand. Once the runner walks across you, you have to jump up and throw yourself down in front of the last face-down team member so you can continue the road and give the runner a place to walk. If the runner touches the sand, he or she has to go back to the last check point they passed and start again. Make sense? Good. Here’s a diagram:

Chin Pubes 1 is the runner for the Champions and Cohutta is the runner for the Challengers. It’s a really boring challenge. Cohutta’s foot touches the sand almost immediately and the Challengers have to restart. Then Chin Pubes 1′s foot touches the sand and the Champions have to go back to the last checkpoint. It’s close, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and Ibis is complaining that she’s hot and sweaty.

Then the challenge is in the hands of Chin Pubes 1 and his ability to read. There’s a sign that tells him what he has to do but it’s incredibly difficult to understand:

So Chin Pubes 1 has no idea what to do and the delay, of course, causes the Champions to lose the challenge. Finally! The Challengers win! Not because they’re the stronger team but because Pubes 1 doesn’t know how to follow instructions. They must be so proud. And it’s back to the house to deliberate.

For the first time, the Challengers get to decide who is going into the Ruins. Adam suggests they write two names — a guy and a girl — on a piece of paper and see what they come up with. The Challengers continue deluding themselves into thinking they have a shot in hell at winning any of the match-ups. Not that Veronica or Ibis are particularly strong but Casey and Kimberly don’t exactly inspire fear.

The votes are in and it’s Adam and Brianna and they get to pick who they want to go against. Adam picks Syrus because he’s close with Evan and Kenny (good reason) and Brianna picks Susie. Because she’s stupid. For those of you playing at home, Susie has never lost a one-on-one competition.

Adam goes to tell Syrus that he’s in and Brianna shares the news with Susie. All of it is quite boring. Where’s Evelyn and a good light-fixture-kicking when you need it?

Adam and Cohutta are contemplating the slow-paced life of the Thai boating folk and remark how different it is than their life.

Adam says that things are going to change when he gets back from the Ruins because it should have been Casey and Danny going in. Of course, Adam was the one who suggested a vote so he has no one to blame but himself. Nice try, though.

And TJ welcomes us back to the Ruins. TJ has three jobs: repeat the rules of the game every episode, repeat the names of the people selected for nomination and explain each challenge and/or Ruin. I want TJ Lavin’s job.

The Ruins is Burn Out. Each player starts on a separate platform with a wheel on it. Water runs out of a pipe in between the two platforms and the players have to redirect the water, using the wheel, into their opponent’s barrel. When the barrel is full, it will tip into a gutter which runs down to the opponent’s fire. The first person to put out their opponent’s fire wins. And the girls are up first.

Is it just me or is this entire episode kind of a snoozer? The challenge is just strength versus strength. Both players are trying to turn the same axle by wheels located at each end. I’m not sure how to describe it in any sort of exciting fashion.

So wheel left, wheel right, wheel left, wheel right . . . but holy crap! Here’s something exciting: Evan has that douchebag shirt in TWO colors!

But back to the Ruins. Wheel right, wheel left, wheel right, wheel left . . . Susie wins. Shocker. Now it’s the boys’ turn. I apologize in advance for my inability to keep this remotely interesting. Perhaps pictures will make it fun?

Same right/left struggle and Syrus knocks out the win.

So the Challengers are all weepy because they have like no team left and the Champions are all drunk and happy because they keep winning shit. Good enough reason for me.

And I could have ended up drunk and happy if I didn’t have to see the exchange between Veronica and Evan. They’re debating as to when the big moment between them is going to happen. Of course, Evan gets all confused trying to tell the difference between sunrise and sunset and it all ends with crabby cuddling.

So who’s playing who? Could Veronica even begin to play Evan if she tried? Does it even matter? From what I can tell, MTV makes up for all of this week’s boredom by promising us all sorts of drinking and screaming and fighting. If they can deliver even a fraction of what that preview shows, I think I’ll forgive them.

Until next week, which is this week, which may be closer to next week,
TinyElvis.