The Ruins: Why Be Just Critical When You Can Be Hypocritical?

With Wus finally gone, I was hoping the Champions would get their act together and finally force the goons to prove themselves in the Ruins but no such luck. Fortunately, and sorry to ruin the suspense, most of the scapegoats will be gone by the end of this episode and some of these guys are going to have to step up. Dare I dream?

Kellyanne is reading the letter Wus gave her before he got booted — like it’s the last day of camp or something. It contains sage advice such as “Evan has faults.” Kellyanne is SO going to win this thing now. He also tells her that as far as he’s concerned, she’s his girlfriend. Um, what? Was there a point at which this was up for debate? Because THAT could have been interesting.

Susie and Johanna are plotting and decide that if the Champions win, they’ll pit Veronica against Kellyanne in the Ruins. Susie justifies this by saying that Veronica hasn’t done anything to secure her spot in the finals. As opposed to Johanna, who has been a vision of athletic prowess and strength.

They also try to pretend that it’s the best move for the team. Ugh. Can’t we just ban this phrase? No one here is doing what they think is best for the team. No one. It’s a competition and it’s okay to look out for yourself. Just admit it already. Oh, and Susie calls Veronica “Chunks” which is mean. And awesome.

Then Susie reads the clue: “Weren’t you told not to play with your food? Be prepared to get reprimanded at tomorrow’s challenge.” Then Kimberly gets the dictionary and looks up ‘reprimanded’.

Syrus tells us that the Champions are greedy “sommabitches” and will do what it takes to get it done and Dumbar complains that his team sucks because there’s too much Casey and not enough penis.

Slim Jim and Evan are off in a corner and Slim is crying because Evan is playing the game in a way that benefits Evan and not Slim. Slim suggests that they need a new strategy – one that will save Slim’s ass. Shockingly, Evan is not going for this.

Slim then accuses Evan of only trying to protect his own ass. Which, I thought, was kind of the point of the whole game. Evan counters with “so are you” but Slim says it’s different because the Challenger guys don’t like him. So Slim’s big, team-centric strategy is to make sure that someone other than Slim is sent to the Ruins. Genius.

Casey, Veronica and Kellyanne are attempting to plot and scheme. I think Casey is complaining that her team is playing fair but there’s a distracting use of air quotes so I’m not sure. Veronica says it’s a numbers game but that means exactly nothing.

Veronica knows that if the Champions win the next challenge, Jo-nada and Susie — the only other girls left on the Champions team — are always going to vote her in. She also throws out some additional stupidity about either playing the game or having the game played on you and then suggests that she might suck at the challenge and let the Challengers win it.

I’m not sure if Chin Pubes actually overhears the girls talking or sees them together or if it’s all just tricky editing, but he thinks that Veronica might have an arrangement with Casey and Kellyanne. If Veronica throws the challenge and the Challengers win, they agree not to toss her into the Ruins. Personally, I don’t think Veronica can pull it off.

Everyone shows up for the challenge and they have their requisite ten minutes to nominate their three guys and three girls. It’s pretty simple on the Challenger side – there are only three guys so they’re all up and there are only four girls so they let Kim sit out since she went into the last Ruins.

Slim Jim takes charge on the Champion side — perhaps to convince his teammates that he’s moderately valuable? — and declares that Veronica, Susie and Jo-nada should be the girl nominees. It wasn’t especially difficult since they’re the only girls left.

Slim continues with his Importance Parade and says that he, Syrus and Chin Pubes will go in. Off-camera, Slim says that Syrus nominated himself thinking that either Slim or Pubes would elect to go into the Ruins since Syrus already proved himself by beating out Adam a couple of weeks ago but it won’t happen.

And the challenge is Fruits of Your Labor — which requires smart and reliable teammates. I guess these guys will have to make due with dumb and shady. There are two identical obstacle courses with “authentic” Thai fruit (as opposed to the also popular inauthentic Thai fruit) in a basket at one end and a scale at the other. The goal is to transport as much of the fruit from the basket to the scale without actually touching any of it.

There are five ‘jobs’ to get the fruit from one end to the other — the throwers, who throw the fruit over a wall; the catchers, who catch the fruit in a burlap sack on the other side; the runners, who put the fruit in a basket and run it to the delivery guys; the delivery guys who pick up the basket with two bamboo poles; and the dumpers, who take the basket and dump it onto the scale.

The teams are trying to come up with some fruit-transporting strategy but the only thing anyone is really concerned about is Veronica. The Champions are convinced she’s going to purposely lose so they make her a thrower with Evan and Darrell so they can pick up her slack.

There’s twenty minutes of fruit throwing, fruit catching, fruit running and fruit dumping. It’s as exciting as it sounds. The only interesting moment is when the monsoon hit. Unfortunately, it wasn’t accompanied by lightning so my prayers for a team electrocution go unanswered.

And the Champions win handily so they get to decide who goes into the Ruins. Cohutta is worried that his number is up again because he has the most money in his bank account — $8000 compared to Brad’s $2000 and Dumbar’s $2000. Then again Cohutta is probably the only of the three who might put up a fair fight so the chicken shit Champions might stay away.

Slim Jim starts in about how Syrus is injured and from a purely competitive standpoint (yeah, right) he should go in because he’s dead weight. I would have so much respect for these guys if they would just admit they’re big babies.

Even Darrell (oh, how nice to see you again) and Evan are laughing in his face which Slim does not find funny at all. Slim then tries to get Chin Pubes to join the anti-Syrus campaign but he’s an even bigger baby and dodges the conversation entirely.

Slim Jim and Pubes move it outside and talk to Syrus. Slim tells Syrus he’s going in because he’s so banged up. Syrus is pissed and says he honestly thought Slim was going to go. Slim tries to explain that it’s a team decision even though it looks like a Slim decision. Chin Pubes remains mute. Syrus says he’ll step up if neither Slim or Pubes will. Pubes tells us that he hasn’t promised anything to Slim yet so I can only hope he does the right thing and sends Slim’s awful ass in.

The Champions deliberate. It is beyond uneventful. Veronica volunteers herself, knowing she was going in anyway, but wants to pick her opponent like the guys do. Sadly, there is no female equivalent of “man in the sand” and the rest of them throw her in against Kellyanne.

There’s mini-skirmish between Veronica and Chin Pubes. She calls him a coward for voting with everyone else and he accuses of her trying to throw the challenge. Slim forgets the fourth wall and gives us a fist pump, a wink and a pointer finger.

Veronica complains that no one cares if she goes home and Jo-nada lies and says that they do. Skirmish over. And it’s the guys’ turn. Slim explains that there are “different” reasons why they’ve decided to allow Syrus to represent them in the Ruins. Like that turn of phrase is going to make him feel better.

Pubes explains that he can’t go against the numbers right now so he has to agree with the rest of them and vote for Syrus. Syrus decides to go after the bank account and chooses Cohutta. And I’m bummed. I think I love me a little bit of Syrus and Cohutta and I don’t want either of them to go home. Please don’t send home my little hillbilly.

Cohutta thinks he can win. Kellyanne is afraid of Veronica but thinks she needs to earn a win and prove herself. Syrus thinks he needs to rethink his strategy.

Evan, Susie and Jo-nada are scheming in the Champions room. Evan thinks that if the three of them plus Kenny can keep up their alliance, they’ll be safe and then they’ll be able to pull out the rug from under everyone else. There will be no more rotation into the possible nominations, just a vote, and since they have the numbers on their side, they’ll be fine.

Veronica pops out from her hobbit hole having heard the entire thing. Evan pretends like it’s not a big deal; like he didn’t say anything against her. Susie thinks that Veronica knows that something is up. Gee? You think? Is it just that we’re watching the show that we know who is in bed with whom? (Figuratively speaking of course, since literally being in bed doesn’t seem to be working out for Veronica.) I thought it had to be obvious even to those dim-witted, mouth-breathers over there in Thailand.

Veronica confronts Evan and says she knows that they have a plan. Evan must think Veronica is dumber than he is and says he doesn’t plan. Veronica is upset that he views her as disposable. Then he starts talking about the ‘relationship’ they have — which is a good one (gag) — and how Veronica takes it all personally when he is just playing the game.

Veronica rehashes the whole story to Kellyanne and Casey and somehow thinks that if she and Syrus were to win, they would flip the script on Susie, Evan, Jo-nada and Kenny. I’m not sure what math Veronica is doing but four is typically greater than two. Does she really think that Slim Jim and Chin Pubes would join Team Syonica?

And we’re at the Ruins and the game is Hog Tie. Each player is suspended by their ankles and wrists, upside down, from a pole. Veronica seems particularly comfortable here. They need to shimmy from one end to the other, picking up a key in the middle. Once they reach the end, they have to lay on the platform, use the key to unlock themselves, jump down and run back to the start to hit the gong.

The men are up first and Cohutta thinks he can win because he’s got a real good shimmy. Syrus says he has no other option but to win. No kidding.

Syrus takes off like a bolt and gets to the platform well before Cohutta. Unfortunately, he’s all thumbs and can’t unlock a lock to save his life. Cohutta is all calm and cool and Syrus is squirming like a bug.

And Cohutta wins it and is now worth $18,660. TJ goes rogue, ignores his cue cards and tells Syrus it “sucked real bad” for him. Nice.

Kellyanne is confident but Veronica thinks it could go either way. Jo-nada says that she wants Veronica to win but it’s only so she can continue avoiding the Ruins and continue avoiding any demonstration of athletic ability. Jo-nada is on the top of my shit list right now.

The girls are struggling and it’s getting ugly. Finally, Kellyanne hauls her ass to the platform, unlocks herself and hits the gong all before Veronica makes it to the end of the pole. Somehow the Challengers have managed to tie this thing up and each team has seven members left. Veronica leaves telling us that her team is going to have to somehow survive without her and now they’re screwed.

Evan can’t let her leave without being a douchebag and tells us he’s going to miss her, but not really. Why does MTV ever allow a camera to point in his direction?

Kellyanne is happy that she won and proved herself but she’s worried that her bank account makes her a target. On the other hand, she doesn’t think that either Jo-nada or Susie would want to go against her so maybe she’ll be okay.

Then Slim Jim has a REALLY good idea. He’s going to wait for Chin Pubes to pass out then he’s going to pour syrup on him and stick feathers in the syrup so Pubes will look like a bird.

Pubes tries to beat the crap out of Slim because the syrup and feathering happened way too close to Pubes’ family photo shrine. Everyone else sits back and watches and Slim can’t understand why he’s getting blamed. Maybe because you actually do the shit you’re accused of doing? Once again, he decides he’s going to keep his mouth shut except he promised us that last week – taped mouth and all. I’m reluctant to do this but in Slim’s defense, there was a second featherer:

I would have paid a dollar to see Pubes pummel Kimberly. I know that’s not P.C. but it’s true.

So next week looks like we get a lot of Casey (boobs included) and maybe a reappearance by Darrell? Dare I dream?

Until next week,
TinyElvis