Apologies for the delays, Gasmii. I was working on my “A game” and “visualizing” my recap and perfecting my “air quotes”. And trying to scrape my brain to eliminate this image:
Because of the stress of the Ruins, our fragile team members need to blow off steam. Will someone please start a foundation for these kids already? I mean, they’re in Thailand! In a villa! With a pool! But they have to engage in athletic competitions!
It’s enough to bring tears to your eyes.
So stress relief involves the most boring game of Truth or Dare which involves Rumer flirting with Kenny (or not), Kim jumping in the pool topless, Casey mooning everyone, and Cohutta smelling Susie’s hair — standard Appalachian mating call.
The only moment of moderate interest was Evan telling us that “Kenny and myself were coming back from the pool” and they heard something. Again, using “myself” does not automatically make you sound smart.
I confuse you with my use of pronouns. You think of me as intelligent, yes?
But that wasn’t the moderately interesting part. That was when Kenny and Evan (himself) walked in on Kim and Dumbar in the bathroom, half-naked and talking about strategy. Because — as everyone knows — it’s much easier to talk strategy if your boobs are hanging out.
I think . . . I think . . . Dumbar may be surprised.
Brad is peeved that Casey is still around and ruining the Challengers’ chances for a win. Evan, Chin Pubes and Darrell are also talking about how the Challengers messed up by not getting rid of her when they had the opportunity. Casey, completely oblivious to her surroundings, asks Evan what are chances are. Then she starts air quoting all over the place and I turn off my television.
My name is “Casey” and I’m not exactly “intelligent” or “capable of independent thought”.
To her credit, Casey has figured out that her team loathes her. She also figured out that the Champions like her from a challenge standpoint but she thinks they like her as a person. I’m not so sure. Evan compares her to a nervous, non-athletic chihuahua and promises that if the Champions win, she won’t go in. Casey thanks him with a feather puppet show.
Hello there, Mr. Yellow Feather. So good to see you, Mr. Red Feather.
Kellyanne, Rumer, Dumbar and Brad are discussing the Casey Situation. Kellyanne thinks that if the Challengers win, Casey will volunteer herself because she’s the only one who hasn’t gone in. There are two things wrong with this: One, the Challengers will not win. And two, if they did, Casey, as dumb as she is, is not dumb enough to offer herself to an individual athletic competition.
Of course, if air quotes or finger-pointing were involved, Casey would definitely win.
On the Champions side, Jo-nada and Susie agree that, if they win, Nada will offer to go into the Ruins since she hasn’t yet. Susie and Nada also explain to Kenny that they thought about throwing the challenge because they only way to ensure that they can go up against Casey is if the Challengers win. At this point, the alliance is useless to the girls because they have nothing to lose.
And Kenny’s brain explodes.
And the clue: Tomorrow’s challenge will start a revolution. Even Tyramail is more creative than this crap.
Everyone is trying to figure out how to handle elimination. The Champion guys decide that Evan and Kenny are up next based on some sort of rotation they claim has been happening all along. Darrell volunteers himself as the third. They agree that whoever goes into the Ruins this time can pick their competitor and is allowed to make it to the finals.
On the Challenger side, there’s no issue since there are only three guys left — Brad, Dumbar and Cohutta — so if they win, they’ll flip a coin to see who goes into the Ruins. The consensus is that Cohutta will end up going in if the Champions win because he has $18,500 in his account compared to the $2,000 in each of Brad’s and Dumbar’s.
TJ repeats his speech about the challenges but I think the job has finally gotten to him. Look at the veins in his neck! He’s straining just to squeak out his lines! Maybe someone stole his stash.
And the nominees are . . . Nada and Susie, and Evan, Kenny and Darrell on the Champion side. And Dumbar, Brad and Cohutta, and Kim, Rumer and Casey for the Challengers. There are “myselfs” everywhere and my ears are bleeding.
The challenge is Rotary Club and involves everyone rolling downhill inside a tractor tire. According to Rumer, this is what hillbillies do when they get drunk and then one ends up a paraplegic and it’s all sorts of wrong.
You know what’s wrong? Wearing pearls to a challenge.
So they each have to cram themselves into a huge tractor tire and roll downhill until they reach the end zone. If they don’t get into the end zone for some reason, the chosen “tracker” can upend them and set them rolling again until they do. Then the tire roller has to get out and roll the tire all the way back up the hill to the rest of the team. Snooze.
Champions decide that Evan will be their tracker since he’s a moose. Evan announces that if they lose the challenge, someone should roll the tire over him with a truck on top of it. Ooh, me first! Me first!
Brad is the tracker for the Challengers and they’re up. The whole thing looks violent and nauseating. There’s a lot of screaming and whining and the only thing that would make me happier would be a bit of puke. No such luck. Kellyanne says the landing is the worst part and that if feels like a big person picked you up and threw you and slammed you on the ground.
Kind of like sex with Wus.
Casey seems to be the only one who has a real problem with the tire – rolling it a little, dropping it a lot and standing around looking helpless even more.
Were you really expecting any more than that from me?
And ten minutes later, the Champions win. I know. I’m as shocked as you are.
Does Mary-Kate know you’re wearing her sunglasses?
Do you know you have the maturity of a twelve-year old?
Nada tells Rumer that she’s going to pick her to go into the Ruins. She makes that decision because losing to Rumer would be less embarrassing than losing to Casey. Good strategy. Darrell volunteers himself and decides to go against the man with the money — Cohutta.
Susie is torn because she really likes Rumer but wants Nada to hang around too. She’s also fascinated because Rumer appears to thrive in the competition. Rumer says it’s because she believes in the power of positive thinking and that she gets what she wants because she visualizes it. I’m visualizing an interesting show . . . and nothing.
Chin Pubes tells Cohutta that he’s going in against Darrell. Cohutta begins talking about himself in the third person and calls his winning “stacking up more salad” which took me a minute to figure out.
Please be seen and not heard.
Susie is telling Nada to get her head in the game. Nada says she’s mentally exhausted and totally checked out. I think it’s a bunch of bull. She thinks that if she tells everyone that her head isn’t it and she loses, she can blame her mental state rather than her athletic ability — or lack thereof.
See? I’m running my fingers through my hair. I’m so stressed and so checked out.
Brad complains that it’s a hard game to strategize for (except the Champions seem to have figured it out) and uses the word hucklebuck. Is that a kid-friendly version of clusterfuck? I kind of like it.
He’s also still complaining about Casey and how she’s going to cost them the game. He’s annoyed that she’s smoking and drinking and having fun and not helping the team at all. He’s worried that the Champions are going to continue to win and will keep her around so that the Challengers get screwed.
I’ll take “Things I Should Have Thought of Six Weeks Ago,” Alex.
Rumer and Nada are making nice. To Nada’s credit, she admits that she’s never gone head-to-head in any of the four challenges that she’s been on and she’s ready to step up to show she’s not as much of a pussy as everyone thinks she is. Good luck with that.
Darrell is nervous but not scared about going up against Cohutta. Chin Pubes tells him not to work out and Evan worries that Cohutta is some sort of golden boy on a hot streak.
Cohutta is prepping himself for the challenge and bragging that “if you send them in, I’ll send them home” and Susie is singing his praises as the little champion that could and calling him a dragon slayer.
I think our hero might have just peed his pants.
The Ruins is Crunch. TJ explains it first and Casey explains it again.
I’m just reading the words. I don’t really understand.
Each player hangs from a bamboo pole by the back of their knees in a dunk tank with forty pounds of rocks on their chest. The player who hangs the longest, wins.
It’s called Crunch because they have to use their ab muscles to keep themselves afloat. Get it? Creative. The players are allowed to relax and dunk themselves but eventually they’ll have to come back up for air and that requires them to use their abs too. Rumer is totally zen and Nada is flipping in and out of the water like a carp. Rumer wins it. Easily. And has almost $18,000 in her bank account.
Shockingly, Nada blames her loss on hitting her mental wall awhile ago and is excited to go home. And the boys are up. I’m rooting for Cohutta but forty pounds is like half of his weight and only like a fifth of Darrell’s so it’s not looking good. Darrell’s strategy is to hang on as long as he can.
Pretty smart, huh?
Darrell wins it without a problem and ends up with almost $32,000 in his bank account and a guaranteed trip into the finals. Cohutta is out but gets a kiss on the lips from Susie which seems to be worth about $18,000 as far as he’s concerned.
Oh please let these two be dating by the time the reunion rolls around.
And back in the house Brad loses it on Casey. He sees her drinking and smoking but not putting forth any effort in the challenges. He’s worked hard to get there, Rumer and Kim have busted their butts in the Ruins, and Casey somehow thinks she deserves a free ride to the finals. Casey is annoyed that Brad is “jumping on her bandwagon” and claims she’s bringing like, her A game but no one has seen it yet.
But I’m getting so “good” with my air quotes!
Next week involves a lot of yelling, a bit of crying and a punch in the head. I think Darrell is the puncher but I can’t see the punchee. I have so many non-PC suggestions here but I’ll hold my peace until Wednesday.
Until next week,