The Ruins: You’re “Costing” Us The “Game”

The Challenge

By TinyElvis | Sunday, November 15, 2009 | 4:32 pm | 20 Comments

Tagged: funny, hilarious, recap, spoof, the ruins, TV, tvgasm

Apologies for the delays, Gasmii. I was working on my “A game” and “visualizing” my recap and perfecting my “air quotes”. And trying to scrape my brain to eliminate this image:

Shall we?

Because of the stress of the Ruins, our fragile team members need to blow off steam. Will someone please start a foundation for these kids already? I mean, they’re in Thailand! In a villa! With a pool! But they have to engage in athletic competitions!

It’s enough to bring tears to your eyes.

So stress relief involves the most boring game of Truth or Dare which involves Rumer flirting with Kenny (or not), Kim jumping in the pool topless, Casey mooning everyone, and Cohutta smelling Susie’s hair — standard Appalachian mating call.

The only moment of moderate interest was Evan telling us that “Kenny and myself were coming back from the pool” and they heard something. Again, using “myself” does not automatically make you sound smart.

I confuse you with my use of pronouns. You think of me as intelligent, yes?

But that wasn’t the moderately interesting part. That was when Kenny and Evan (himself) walked in on Kim and Dumbar in the bathroom, half-naked and talking about strategy. Because — as everyone knows — it’s much easier to talk strategy if your boobs are hanging out.

I think . . . I think . . . Dumbar may be surprised.

Brad is peeved that Casey is still around and ruining the Challengers’ chances for a win. Evan, Chin Pubes and Darrell are also talking about how the Challengers messed up by not getting rid of her when they had the opportunity. Casey, completely oblivious to her surroundings, asks Evan what are chances are. Then she starts air quoting all over the place and I turn off my television.

My name is “Casey” and I’m not exactly “intelligent” or “capable of independent thought”.

To her credit, Casey has figured out that her team loathes her. She also figured out that the Champions like her from a challenge standpoint but she thinks they like her as a person. I’m not so sure. Evan compares her to a nervous, non-athletic chihuahua and promises that if the Champions win, she won’t go in. Casey thanks him with a feather puppet show.

Hello there, Mr. Yellow Feather. So good to see you, Mr. Red Feather.

Kellyanne, Rumer, Dumbar and Brad are discussing the Casey Situation. Kellyanne thinks that if the Challengers win, Casey will volunteer herself because she’s the only one who hasn’t gone in. There are two things wrong with this: One, the Challengers will not win. And two, if they did, Casey, as dumb as she is, is not dumb enough to offer herself to an individual athletic competition.

Of course, if air quotes or finger-pointing were involved, Casey would definitely win.

On the Champions side, Jo-nada and Susie agree that, if they win, Nada will offer to go into the Ruins since she hasn’t yet. Susie and Nada also explain to Kenny that they thought about throwing the challenge because they only way to ensure that they can go up against Casey is if the Challengers win. At this point, the alliance is useless to the girls because they have nothing to lose.

And Kenny’s brain explodes.

And the clue: Tomorrow’s challenge will start a revolution. Even Tyramail is more creative than this crap.

Everyone is trying to figure out how to handle elimination. The Champion guys decide that Evan and Kenny are up next based on some sort of rotation they claim has been happening all along. Darrell volunteers himself as the third. They agree that whoever goes into the Ruins this time can pick their competitor and is allowed to make it to the finals.

On the Challenger side, there’s no issue since there are only three guys left — Brad, Dumbar and Cohutta — so if they win, they’ll flip a coin to see who goes into the Ruins. The consensus is that Cohutta will end up going in if the Champions win because he has $18,500 in his account compared to the $2,000 in each of Brad’s and Dumbar’s.

TJ repeats his speech about the challenges but I think the job has finally gotten to him. Look at the veins in his neck! He’s straining just to squeak out his lines! Maybe someone stole his stash.

And the nominees are . . . Nada and Susie, and Evan, Kenny and Darrell on the Champion side. And Dumbar, Brad and Cohutta, and Kim, Rumer and Casey for the Challengers. There are “myselfs” everywhere and my ears are bleeding.

The challenge is Rotary Club and involves everyone rolling downhill inside a tractor tire. According to Rumer, this is what hillbillies do when they get drunk and then one ends up a paraplegic and it’s all sorts of wrong.

You know what’s wrong? Wearing pearls to a challenge.

So they each have to cram themselves into a huge tractor tire and roll downhill until they reach the end zone. If they don’t get into the end zone for some reason, the chosen “tracker” can upend them and set them rolling again until they do. Then the tire roller has to get out and roll the tire all the way back up the hill to the rest of the team. Snooze.

Champions decide that Evan will be their tracker since he’s a moose. Evan announces that if they lose the challenge, someone should roll the tire over him with a truck on top of it. Ooh, me first! Me first!

Brad is the tracker for the Challengers and they’re up. The whole thing looks violent and nauseating. There’s a lot of screaming and whining and the only thing that would make me happier would be a bit of puke. No such luck. Kellyanne says the landing is the worst part and that if feels like a big person picked you up and threw you and slammed you on the ground.

Kind of like sex with Wus.

Casey seems to be the only one who has a real problem with the tire – rolling it a little, dropping it a lot and standing around looking helpless even more.

Were you really expecting any more than that from me?

And ten minutes later, the Champions win. I know. I’m as shocked as you are.

Does Mary-Kate know you’re wearing her sunglasses?

Do you know you have the maturity of a twelve-year old?

Nada tells Rumer that she’s going to pick her to go into the Ruins. She makes that decision because losing to Rumer would be less embarrassing than losing to Casey. Good strategy. Darrell volunteers himself and decides to go against the man with the money — Cohutta.

Susie is torn because she really likes Rumer but wants Nada to hang around too. She’s also fascinated because Rumer appears to thrive in the competition. Rumer says it’s because she believes in the power of positive thinking and that she gets what she wants because she visualizes it. I’m visualizing an interesting show . . . and nothing.

Chin Pubes tells Cohutta that he’s going in against Darrell. Cohutta begins talking about himself in the third person and calls his winning “stacking up more salad” which took me a minute to figure out.

Please be seen and not heard.

Susie is telling Nada to get her head in the game. Nada says she’s mentally exhausted and totally checked out. I think it’s a bunch of bull. She thinks that if she tells everyone that her head isn’t it and she loses, she can blame her mental state rather than her athletic ability — or lack thereof.

See? I’m running my fingers through my hair. I’m so stressed and so checked out.

Brad complains that it’s a hard game to strategize for (except the Champions seem to have figured it out) and uses the word hucklebuck. Is that a kid-friendly version of clusterfuck? I kind of like it.

He’s also still complaining about Casey and how she’s going to cost them the game. He’s annoyed that she’s smoking and drinking and having fun and not helping the team at all. He’s worried that the Champions are going to continue to win and will keep her around so that the Challengers get screwed.

I’ll take “Things I Should Have Thought of Six Weeks Ago,” Alex.

Rumer and Nada are making nice. To Nada’s credit, she admits that she’s never gone head-to-head in any of the four challenges that she’s been on and she’s ready to step up to show she’s not as much of a pussy as everyone thinks she is. Good luck with that.

Darrell is nervous but not scared about going up against Cohutta. Chin Pubes tells him not to work out and Evan worries that Cohutta is some sort of golden boy on a hot streak.

Nice physique.

Cohutta is prepping himself for the challenge and bragging that “if you send them in, I’ll send them home” and Susie is singing his praises as the little champion that could and calling him a dragon slayer.

I think our hero might have just peed his pants.

The Ruins is Crunch. TJ explains it first and Casey explains it again.

I’m just reading the words. I don’t really understand.

Each player hangs from a bamboo pole by the back of their knees in a dunk tank with forty pounds of rocks on their chest. The player who hangs the longest, wins.

Like this.

It’s called Crunch because they have to use their ab muscles to keep themselves afloat. Get it? Creative. The players are allowed to relax and dunk themselves but eventually they’ll have to come back up for air and that requires them to use their abs too. Rumer is totally zen and Nada is flipping in and out of the water like a carp. Rumer wins it. Easily. And has almost $18,000 in her bank account.

Shockingly, Nada blames her loss on hitting her mental wall awhile ago and is excited to go home. And the boys are up. I’m rooting for Cohutta but forty pounds is like half of his weight and only like a fifth of Darrell’s so it’s not looking good. Darrell’s strategy is to hang on as long as he can.

Pretty smart, huh?

Darrell wins it without a problem and ends up with almost $32,000 in his bank account and a guaranteed trip into the finals. Cohutta is out but gets a kiss on the lips from Susie which seems to be worth about $18,000 as far as he’s concerned.

Oh please let these two be dating by the time the reunion rolls around.

And back in the house Brad loses it on Casey. He sees her drinking and smoking but not putting forth any effort in the challenges. He’s worked hard to get there, Rumer and Kim have busted their butts in the Ruins, and Casey somehow thinks she deserves a free ride to the finals. Casey is annoyed that Brad is “jumping on her bandwagon” and claims she’s bringing like, her A game but no one has seen it yet.

But I’m getting so “good” with my air quotes!

Next week involves a lot of yelling, a bit of crying and a punch in the head. I think Darrell is the puncher but I can’t see the punchee. I have so many non-PC suggestions here but I’ll hold my peace until Wednesday.

Until next week,
TinyElvis.

Comments (20)
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20 Comments

1

MichyPR

Posted November 16, 2009 at 2:34 am

I hate that Cohutta went home, as much as they want to say they picked him for the money, truth is Darrell probably went for Cohutta figuring that it meant he would win for sure. I’m gonna miss having him around while Bananas still is, ugh I hate that guy. On a positive note Johanna went home, yay!
2

joy1333

Posted November 16, 2009 at 4:43 am

TinyElvis!
Great re-cap. As I watch and hear Casey saying crap like, “jump on my bandwagon” I think, “TinyElvis has enough to rip this girl a new one”….and you don’t disappoint.

I hope the puncher is Darrell, I hate his face. Maybe the punchee is Brad? The first episode clips of “This season on The Ruins” showed Brad laid out on the floor with a little blood dripping down his cro-magnon forehead.We can only hope.
Thanks for the entertainment.
3

LisaMay

Posted November 16, 2009 at 6:07 am

I was thinking Johanna purposefully lost because she didn’t want to eventually go against KellyAnne, knowing KellyAnne would be out for blood.
That or either she wanted to get home early and have some alone time with Wus……….
4

J-Mo

Posted November 16, 2009 at 6:34 am

Yay for another blisteringly funny recap, TinyElvis! I love how you do these fucking kids who have somehow turned this damned show into their full-time job.

I wonder does Brad know just how much of a dumbass he looks in pretty much every single frame of every single minute of every single interview he’s ever done in every single show on MTV? He reminds of those guys who like to talk about football plays (that they performed in high school) like they’re the most important thing that ever happened. And what the hell happened to Evan’s bod? Maybe he stopped the ‘roids cuz his balls were shrivelling up? He definitely looks paunchy in a way I’ve never seen before. And I love paunchy. But not on him, blech.

Awesome job, can’t wait for Dildo Johnny Bananas to go home. OH, and can someone please retell the story as to why and how he got that nickname? I seem to remember it was something really awful and I’m curious all over again.

Thanks for the great recap, TinyElvis, you’re kicking ass!

love, J-Mo
5

hollagirl2

Posted November 16, 2009 at 6:34 am

I feel like Johanna started acting like she wanted to go home the second she knew she was going into the ruins because she doesn’t have a spit of athletic talent and knew she would lose. She took the easy road out by pretending to not care and be over it so that she wouldn’t be embarrassed when she lost going into her first one on one challenge yet. I guess riding coattails is pretty easy until someone calls you out on it.
on a second note, i think she wasn’t into it as MUCH because Wes went home.
And can Evan please please pleaaaaaase go home.
Casey may not be the sharpest tack in the toolbox but at least she doesn’t take herself too seriously.
And KellyAnne needs to punch the doctor in the face who added those monstrosities to her chest. Refund Gap anyone.
If it is Syrus who landed the punch- what an IDIOT. if you’re gonna hand out your money like that next time keep it together till you win and then you can write me the check. thanks.
At least if it is Brad laid out on the floor… we won’t have to hear Tori say “Babe” for an hour straight.
And ug. Susie. just go away.
Man is there anyone left to vote for? Maybe Sarah cuz she’s the underdog and the newbie.
6

sweetstarshine1

Posted November 16, 2009 at 8:56 am

Is it me or does it look like Kelly Anne had her lips done after this challenge. Because when you see her on the actual show it doesnt look that bad,but in all the interviews(which i’m guessing are done after the show is done) it looks like she got some serious Botox.
7

SBC123

Posted November 16, 2009 at 10:42 am

Great recap Tiny. I thought is was Derrick that was out cold on the floor in the previews. I could be wrong cause they only showed it for a second.
8

jayball

Posted November 16, 2009 at 11:57 am

hollagirl2: I think you mean Darrell. Syrus got kicked off two weeks ago.
9

MichyPR

Posted November 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm

I don’t know, I like Brad and if Darrell punched Brad I hope they send Darrell home and give Brad his money
10

kelseym13

Posted November 16, 2009 at 1:36 pm

I’m so glad you’ve called them out on the misuse of “myself,” the air quotes, and everything Casey says. Another thing that drives me crazy is the lack of adverbs! Brad said, “Casey doesn’t take the game as serious as everyone else,” at least 3 times this episode. It’s awful, but I just can’t help but to notice haha

Other than that, I really don’t like Susie. She wasn’t bad on this episode, but she’s usually really hypocritical and stuck up. I just get a sour taste from her.

Great job on the recaps! I hardly ever post but I read it every week, you have me laughing every time
11

hollagirl2

Posted November 16, 2009 at 2:21 pm

oops thanks for catching that jayball. waaay too early in the morning for me during that rant!
12

blazergirl

Posted November 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm

I’m pretty sure it’s Derek that Darrell punched. And if it is as obvious as they made it look in the preview, Darrell is going home for sure. Considering he is a boxer and personal trainer, I have to think that is one hell of a punch he throws. If he goes home, for some reason I am thinking they will split all his money evenly between his team, but I could be wrong. When Tonya went home, isn’t that what happened?
13

congratsmeathead

Posted November 16, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Funny recap TinyElvis, as always I enjoyed you making fun of Evan as much as possible.
J-Mo: on mm-agency.com it says that Johnny got his bananas nickname from Penn State friends because of his “crazy behavior” (air quotes, Casey?) but I think that’s a load of bull. It was definitely something to do with his tiny penis, I think.
14

sodagirl

Posted November 16, 2009 at 8:35 pm

In the “Nice physique.” screengrab of Evan, I thought “Well, he does have six-pack abs”, then I realised it was his enlarged liver showing. My mistake.

J-Mo: I love paunchy as well, it’s the combo of paunchy and pasty that isn’t working for me.
15

MichyPR

Posted November 17, 2009 at 12:52 am

Wasn’t there a rumor that the whole Bananas thing stemmed from a story about how once he was hooking up with a girl and either he was too small or he couldn’t get it up so he shoved a banana in her? I’m not sure.
16

winks523

Posted November 17, 2009 at 9:22 am

The “myselfs” are out of control. I bet someone said it one time, and the rest thought it sounded smart and now they just can’t wait to announce who is going in the ruins just so the person can say MYSELF.
17

Thatswhatshesaid

Posted November 17, 2009 at 11:42 am

I remember Johnny Bananas talking about it on a reunion show. He put on a speedo, also known as a banana-hammock, and that’s where the nickname came from.
18

blairwaldorf

Posted November 17, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Great recap! I’m glad I’m not the only one annoyed by the misuse and overuse of “myself”.

It is Brad that gets in a fight with Darrel. Brad had a black eye they tried to cover up on the Duel II reunion. Darrel got in trouble over it because he is some kind of golden gloves boxing champ, and I guess that sort of thing is frowned upon in that industry. (I’m a baseball fan, I don’t know anything about boxing)

I was real sad to see Cohutta go home. The kiss with Susie at the end is strange because according to MTV’s biography on her, she’s married.
19

MichyPR

Posted November 18, 2009 at 6:26 am

“its because when he was havin sex with his girlfriend, she wanted him to go deeper but couldnt, so he grabbed a banana (use ur imagination)
eventually, his friends walked in on him
Source(s):
kelly anne explained it”

Found this somewhere. I remember hearing something like that somewhere.
20

jerzgrrrl72

Posted November 24, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Awesome as ever recap, TinyElvis! Alright, I know this is not near as interesting as the rumored theories about “Johnny Bananas’” nickname’s origin, but his last name is “DeveNANzio,” so it would seem somewhat logical that the nickname “Bananas” has a lot to do with his last name, but judging from his completely defective, waste-of-space personality/existence, I would also add that it’s entirely plausible that there is probably something rather foul behind the possible last-name connection origin as well. And seriously, people, have you SEEN his hair?! “I’m Mister Green Christmas. I’m Mister Sun. I’m Mister Heat Blister–I’m Mister Hundred and One…”

The Ruins: You’re “Costing” Us The “Game”

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