The Duel 2: Two-for-One Edition

Previously on The Duel 2: Landon was hot, Neh was weird, Evan pouted alot, and Jenn got her freak on with Rachel. Like the Kool-Aid man said, Oh yeah! Oh, and Mark was old and and TJ smoked a lot of weed and I still want Rob Dyrdek to host this.

Confession time: I’m a re-cap behind. I won’t get into the how’s and why’s but we’ll run through the week before’s episode super quick, then take our sweet, sweet time with this week’s. Ready?

And now its time for the opening, or what I like to call, “30 Seconds Of Douchebaggery: a Retrospective on Killing the Culutrally Significant Starring a Bunch of Tools.”

It’s someone’s birthday! And that someone is my homeboy Brad! And Big Easy’s is just a few days away. Which means it’s party time, and even better, a theme party!

I’m not sure what the theme is besides being a tool–everyone is dressed up in random outfits. Issac is wearing overalls, but I’ll forgive him for doing it. Thats how much I like him.

Paula and Dunbar flirt in a corner and I throw up in my mouth a bit. Paula insists that she doesn’t like him and they are just friends.

Speaking of flirting, MJ and Issac are talking VERYclosely. Are MJ and Isaac going to kiss? If that means more Issac I’m down!

Issac gets super drunk and passes out, and they decide to cut his toenail, which might be more adequately described as a talon. That thing is FUNKY.

Ruthie and Aneesa talk outside. They’re at the halfway mark. Already? Aneesa promises Ruthie she’ll call Issac, which means she won’t. Bitch!

Isaac wakes up from his drunken slumber to find his prized talon gone. He says he’s been growing his toe nails for the last four months. Weird, but you are still my homeboy.

Time for the next challenge. The Bong Master welcomes them to DON’T LET GO, which sounds like a Danity Kane track to me.

Once again, guy-girl partners. I’m getting sick of this partner B.S. since it’s the same two players every single time. Which is surprising, because I have a feeling they have all been “partners” with each other after various drunken nights.

In today’s challenge, one is harnessed and hanging off the platform, one has to stand on the edge of the platform and hold their partner for as long as they can. When they can’t hold on anymore, the hanging partner goes bungee jumping down. Slightly more exciting then last week yet still kinda yawn.

Back to the show, where Not-Rob tells us that our prize is once again, the stupid Google phone from T-Mobile. Yippee skippee, get an IPHONE. Man, even the prizes are getting predictable this season! Although I wouldn’t mind a pair of those Dr. Dre noise-canceling headphones….

Brit and Lando get to pick the order since they won last week. Paula and Dunbar go first and I think that Dunbar enjoys letting her fall. Lets hope no one has to hold Big Easy.

Kim and Derek are next, and surprise, Kim hates heights (and black people, if you watched her season). She’s bitching the entire time. I will enjoy watching her fall into the ravine.

Nothing too exciting happens with the other pairs, then Evan and Diem go. Let’s see if she can find a way to DQ herself. She is of course, scared of heights and tells us that she likes her life too much to risk the fall. I would implore you to watch the premiere of this show where your ex-boyfriend was a raging lunatic and you said it was all your fault before you tell me how great your life is.

As she hangs over the side, she screams at Evan not to let her fall. You have to fall at some time sweet cheeks, that’s the whole point. Not like Evan is going to hold on to you with his right arm and type on his computer with his left for the rest of his life. Evan tells us that Diem is annoying him and he doesn’t “speak gibberish, I speak Canadian-English.” Sorry, but isn’t that the same thing?

Evan says he doesnt want his arms to be sore for the duel and says have fun down there as he let’s her go. OK, that’s kinda funny. He laughs as she goes down. Oh, evan, you have officially won one point with me. One point. There’s still one million reasons why I hate you, so don’t get too cocky.

Lando and Brit and Mark and Rachel are the last two to go. Both hang on for a long time, so it’s going to be close.

TJ puts the bong down long enough to tell us the final score — The Elders win by 20 seconds.

The Elders sit down to decide who to save, even though we all know that doesn’t mean shit and you’re not really saving them. They decide to save Landon and not worry about anyone else.

At the save ceremony, The Elders announce that they’re saving Lando, who saves Brit, who saves Evan, who saves Diem, who saves Brad, who saves Tori, who saves MJ, who saves Aneesa, who makes a really dumb joke and picks….Big Easy. What?! What about Issac?!

Easy picks Jen, who picks Derek, who picks Kimberly, who picks Dunbar, who picks Paula, which leaves Ruthie and Issac to go into the Duel. Noooooo!!

Ruthie picks Kimberly and Issac picks….Lando?! Oh, Issac, honey, why? I know you’re upset about the big toenail but come on buddy. I’m officially disappointed in you (but I still love you.)

They pick their games, and I honestly don’t know if there is a game where Issac would have an advantage over Lando. Ruthie picks Back Off and Issac picks Spot On.

We jump right to the Dude Duel. I guess if there’s any game where Issac may have an advantage, this would be the one, but it ain’t looking good. Issac has a pretty good strategy, to lay the pieces out on the ground and when they’re all correct, start climbing and putting the puzzle together.

Lando has a similar strategy and he seems to be kicking much more ass, and he wins. By a lot. Which means Issac is going home. Noooooooo. Tear.

I don’t want to watch Issac walk away. Come back to the next challenge, buddy! He hugs Ruthie goodbye and says “I did my best, Ruth” and my cold, cold heart melts just a little bit. PLEASE bring him back to the next Challenge MTV producers! Or shit, have him host if Dyrdek isn’t available.

Over to the girl’s duel, Ruthie and Kim are playing Back Off, where you have to grab the ring off the other person’s back and hang it up. Kim is surprisingly putting up a good fight and wins the first round. And the second! Holy crap, that skinny little chick sent Ruthie home.

Evan closes the show for us with yet another douchey sound bite, which I refuse to give him the satisfaction of typing out. So there, guess I showed him.

Issac, I will miss you but hope to see you soon!

———————

Bermuda Love Triangle

We open this week’s episode with yet another Dumb Quote from Evan. He tells us “if you thought this was ugly, perverse before (wait, is he talking about the show or the opening?) now the big guys are going at it.” Um, ok, thanks for the newsflash.

Dunbar and Paula are fighting over, oh, who knows or cares with these two. Let’s say they’re fighting over if he should punch her in the left eye or the right eye. Paula, like the abused weirdo she is, tells us fighting with Dunbar is exciting, like poking a monster on a stick, because you don’t know what he’ll do. Did you watch his season? He’ll obviously beat you.

Dunbar goes crying to Kimberly about Paula being a big meanie-head. He tells us “if I was single, Kim’s one of the ones I’d hook up with.” K is saying its mutual, but he has a GIRLFRIEND.

The kids are bored, so the girls are giving the guys makeovers. Mark is getting a facial and an anti-wrinkle treatment while Big Easy is getting two eyebrows. Yay for boys plucking!

We are introduced to our first official Love Triangle, starring Dunbar, Paula and Kimberly. Paula is getting pissed about all the attention Kim is getting! Dunbar is getting violent!

Is it possible that I hate Dunbar more then Evan? Could be. Evan is a douche, but Dunbar is an asshole. Big difference, people! One will pop his color and the other will pop you in the face. At least with Evan you won’t have to make up a lame story about running into the door because you’re so clumsy.

Paula’s voice is all whiny and cracky as she talks to Dunbar and god I hate these two. Who fucking cares, you both suck.

Derek whines to Kimberly about how haaaaarrd it has to be in a pimp ass house competing for hundreds of thousands of dollars while the rest of us are slaving away 50 hours a week. Cry me a river, fauxhawk. And you’re not winning any points with me by hanging out with Kimberly. She lived with someone from Blackville, you know.

Finally, it’s Challenge time! I know because there’s a montage, and Diem tells me. Let’s find out how she’s going to get DQ’ed this week, shall we?

This week’s challenge is called Dangle Duo. Didn’t we just do this one last week?

As predicted, they have to partner up in guy and girl pairs. And as expected, we have the same freaking partners like we always do. I think I said this before, but can we please have a rule next time where you can’t partner up with the same person for two challenges in a row?

They have to climb a few stories up a huge ladder and then hoist up an ARMY flag. TJ smokes a bowl and tells us that this challenge is all about personal bravery, strength and endurance. And it’s also sponsored by the ARMY.

You can get DQ’ed (cough, Diem, cough) by falling off the ladder or taking longer then 20 minutes to finish.

The Elders, Mark & Rachel, get to pick the order since they were last week’s winners. They pick Derek and Kimberly to go first. Yeah Mark for hating her too!

The farther you climb up the ginormous sky ladder, the farther apart the rungs get. It looks pretty damn hard and Kimberly has to stand on Derek’s shoulders to make it to the next rung. But they make it to the top.

Paula and Dunbar are next. She’s terrified. Shocker. I forsee lots of Dunbar yelling…Paula uses Dunbar as a ladder and they make it up to the top in a pretty good time and he doesn’t even have to give her a black eye.

Aneesa and MJ are next, which I find to be an odd pairing. She’s whining on the first rung and they get DQed due to time. Nice pick, MJ.

Eric and Jenn go next. She’s short, he’s fat, so this should be interesting. Easy says he’s “not an upper body guy”. No offense but you’re not exactly a lower body guy, or a middle guy, Or a face guy. They end up getting DQed. And laughed at, double suck.

Evan and the DQ queen are up. Hey, let’s all do a shot everytime Diem gets DQ’ed and Evan says something from his speech as valedictorian of Reality School U. Evan says it up to him to get this “crying baby to the top of the ladder,” and you know he feels like pushing her off. You picked her as a partner dude, deal with it. Although we might actually be friends if you did push her off.

Brad and Tori are next and are chugging right along. They seem to work good together as a team, which is good since they’re engaged and all. They hoist their flag up in under 7 minutes! MJ says its in the bag for those two, but we have Britini and Lando next.

Lando is like Spiderman and Brit is totally holding her own. They make it up in FOUR MINUTES and I bet Lando could do this with one hand.

The Elders are the last ones to go. I dont know what their strategy is besides to move fast, but Mark finally admits that he’S OLD!!! I totally just had a TVgasm. My life is complete, I can stop blogging. But I won’t.

11 seconds separate the Elders from Lando and Brit. Lando and Brit win! Evan is pissed, which makes it even more aweome-r. (Yes, that’s a word)

Lando and Brit go off to decide who to “save”, and they decide not to make a list, saying they “don’t want to control it anymore.” HOW DID YOU CONTROL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I DON’T GET IT? HAS MTV REALLY OUTSMARTED ME? I GRADUATED COLLEGE FOR FUCKS SAKE! I WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF FLOIRDA! TIM FUCKING TEBOW GOES THERE!

Later that night, Paula catches Dunbar and Kimberly making out in the woods and is totally fine with it. Actually, she pretty much plots her death, and I bet it involves tying her up and leaving her in Blackville, because you know shit goes down there. Paula tells the camera that she thought Dunbar had a girlfriend, and once again, I have to ask: Did you SEE his season? He cheated on her like the whole freaking time!

Big Easy is uneasy about the pecking order and goes to consult the Oracle known as B-rad about it.

Inside the house, somebody’s under the blanket and Paula wants to know who! Its a shirtless Dunbar and a stupid Kimberly. Paula no likey. Kimberly thinks it’s innocent but me and Dunbar’s-Girlfriend-Julie disagree.

Paula plays sad sack but tells us she’s totally NOT jealous. Hell to the no!

It’s finally the next day and time for the save ceremony. TJ puts some Visine in his eyes to take the red out and asks Lando and Brit who they want to save, even though the bottom two people can turn right around and call them into the duel which is exactly what happened to Lando last week with Issac, so it’s really not saving anyone, but why bring logic into an MTV show so let’s just roll with it. Landon and Brit “save” Mark, who “saves” the other elder Rachel, who “saves” Brad, who of course “saves” Tori, who picks because I’m getting tired of writing saves in air quotes Evan, who of course picks Diem, who picks MJ, who (yawn) picks Aneesa, who picks Big Easy, who picks Jenn, who picks Dunbar, who now he has to pick between Kimberly and Paula! Ohh shit!

Dunbar takes a moment to think. Paula is PISSED that he’s even pausing and is already threatening to stomp on his nuts. Not the best way to convince him to vote for you.

“Such tough decisions….do I pick the girl who wants to suck on my nuts or the girl who wants to stomp on them?”

Dunabr says “most of the time Paula has not been my friend” but in true MTV mis-direction fashion, he picks Paula.

So Kimberly and Derek are going to the Duel. Derek takes Big Easy to the Duel. Kimberly takes Jenn. Really? She’s already been in and proved she’s pretty ferosh. Why not take on toothpick Brittini? But, too begrudgingly give her credit, Kimberly has been in the Duel a few times and held her own.

Derek picks Duel Pole Dancing, which I like to call “No Chance In Hell Big Easy.” Kimberly picks Push Over.

Derek is very hawt, but I wish he had a bit more personality. Not Evan level-personality, more like old school Brad. I guess I’ll have to watch his scenes on mute with Brad doing a voice over from his San Diego days.

Duel Pole Dancing is stupid. You and your dueler climb up a big pole and fight over footholes and pegs. Big Easy is talking a big game but not doing much besides pushing D off every time he gets a few feet off the ground. It’s kinda working since D is getting tired and frustrated.

Easy starts to make a decent effort up the pole, but falls off himself and D is up the pole like a spider monkey. Or a stripper auditioning for Rock of Love.

D gets pretty close to the top then falls down, again. Aye, this is torture for me and I’m only watching it. Both are pretty tired. D starts making good progress and finally puts Easy out of his misery.

Time for the Lady Duel. Kimberly walks into the Duel like she’s in the bathing suit challenge of the MIss America pageant.

There’s a close-up on MJ for some reason, and I have to say, MJ is getting uglier the longer he stays. If he wins, he’ll have to take up residence under a NZ bridge and spend his days scaring little children.

TJ honks the horn to start the duel and wonders how he can turn it into a bong. I’ve always loved the way stoners can’t back their car out of the driveway, but can make a bong out of a stuffed animal and a twisty tie.

Anyways, Jenn rushes Kimberly and knocks Kim off her feet. Paula is creaming her pants and Dunbar is shitting his.

Jenn knocks her ass off and wins the round. Rachel says she manhandles Kim, which I think turns her on. Dunbar is PISSED and pouty and Paula is pleased as punch. They hug goodbye.

Dunbar goes and writes in his journal, which begs the question: Dunbar can write?

Next week we FINALLY get individual challenges. Who do you think will be going home next? I can’t believe they haven’t picked Tori to go into the Duel, you know that would totally mess Brad’s head up if she went home….