Actually, it just seems like the 18th Inferno. Who am I to complain though? The Inferno II was awesome, as was The Duel, so all signs point to another fantastic season of drunken debauchery from the Bunim-Murray braintrust.
Keeping with Inferno tradition, 10 drunken douchebags and 10 drunken whores have been summoned to an exotic location, to be idiots and play random games, all in the name of career development and money to pay the bills. I’m glad some things never change.
So in keeping with TVGasm Challenge premiere tradition, I was intentionally tardy turning in this recap. Wait, I lied. I actually have a real job that required my attention, unlike our sloth-like friends on The Challenges.
This season on the The Inferno 3, When you lose….
they “Saddam” you
By this point, you basically know what you are going to get out of a RW/RR Challenge premiere:
1) Plane lands on foreign soil.
2) “Ohh my, ________ is soooooooooooo beautiful. I never would have guessed.”
3) Someone will look drastically different; to the point that you start starring at their arms looking for needle tracks.
4) The new house will be bigger and better than the last, replete with all the booze you can drink, a pool, a pool table, and random, quiet nooks in the house perfect for having meaningless, unprotected sex.
5) The first night, everybody will commence the two-week bender by getting obliterated, and some unassuming newbie will be hurt, either mentally or physically, by a brash and unruly veteran.
6) Some idiot from Boston will make a fool of himself.
7) The episode will climax with a fist-fight.
8) The premiere will end with a “TO BE CONTINUED…”
So if we already know what’s going to happen, why do we keep coming back? That is the million-dollar question, and I’m not even sure that I want to know the answer. I’m just going to turn off the logic switch, and settle in for another amazing ride on the Bunim-Murry Express. As usual, it doesn’t look like they’ll disappoint.
Kicking things off, we saw a plane landing in Cape Town, South Africa. Check. I think I’m having RW/RR character overload, because I spied Susie, Abram, Jenn, Colie, Davis and Tyrie emerging from the gate. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact they are all here, but their presence in multiple “10 spot” slots is slightly disconcerting. I think I may be coming down with a minor case of E-Colie. Susie was feeling pretty good though, and kicked off a slew of idiotic comments by stating, “Being in South Africa, it’s everything that you hear about. You can actually go to the southernmost tip of an entire continent.” I completely agree. It’s simply mind-boggling. I’ll make sure I send her a postcard when I vacation in Florida this summer.
There was no rest for the weary though, and the 20 contestants were quickly ushered into the Inferno structure, or should I say, the Inferno castle. Fog machines, scaffolds and man-made flames – oh my. Susie assumed the role of narrator again, and said “We’re traveling down into the pits of hell. This is where friends are going to be lost, and enemies are going to be made. We’re psyched.” It’s a good thing I turned off the logic switch a few minutes ago, because “psyched” is an odd choice of words to describe one’s feelings about going into the pits of hell. I know we have four Denver castmates already, but the producers really dropped the ball by not inviting Brooke to the Inferno. She would have fit in perfectly with this group of loons. Plus, if Brooke thought she was in hell at the RW Denver house, I can only imagine how she would have felt entering the Inferno dungeon. There isn’t enough Valium in the world…
Why is Danny upset?
You know how some chicks worry someone else is going to wear
the same dress to a party and wear it better?
Yeah, its kinda like that.
The rules remained the same as in previous “Infernos.” Since TJ has a way of over-complicating things, I’ll paraphrase: The group was split into two teams, “Good Guys” and “Bad Asses.” The teams will then be whittled down over the course of the show through a series of challenges and one-on-one confrontations in the “Inferno.” Whichever team wins the last challenge will split up to $400K among its remaining members. Now that wasn’t so hard TJ, was it? I’ll cut him some slack though, because TJ looked even more stoned than usual.
There was only one question that remained – Who was a “Good Guy,” and who was a “Bad Ass?” Here’s the breakdown:
Good Guys – Ace, Rachel, John, Susie, Davis, Colie, Timmy, Paula, Alton and Care
Bad Asses – CT, EV, Abram, Danny, Aneesa, Tyrie, Janelle, Kenny, Tonya and Jenn
Interesting group of people, but on paper, the “Bad Asses” look LOADED. Word of caution though, don’t underestimate Alton. He could single handedly eliminate the entire Bad Ass team. You know what, after looking at his teammates, he might have to. Since this competition appears to be a landslide in favorite of team BA, let’s spruce it up a little with some gambling. I’ll set the lines for this season.
Episodes it will take for Ace to be eliminated – Over/Under 1.5
Physical confrontations that CT will be involved in – Over/Under 4
Men that Colie will have sex with – Over/Under 5
“Infernos” won by Alton – Over/Under 6
Different hairstyles that Aneesa will sport – Over/Under 7
Challenges won by Team Bad Ass – Over/Under 8
Times Rachel compares the challenge to being in the Army – Over/Under 8.5
Men that Jenn will have sex with – Over/Under 9
Different types of steroids that Danny has in his bag – Over/Under 12
Men/Women that Tonya will have sex with – Over/Under 16 (She’s the Babe Ruth of whores)
Timmy’s age – Over/Under 56
Number of times CT and Danny will make me extremely embarrassed to be from Boston – Over/Under 17,289
Marlboro Reds that Kina will smoke while sitting on a couch wishing she was involved – Over/Under 2,356,578 (I couldn’t resist)
I’m going with the whore parlay of Colie/Jenn/Tonya, and teasing Tonya’s number down to 12, due to the news of her marriage.
After the breakdown of the teams, we were then treated to the most ridiculous theme song ever on a challenge, and that’s saying something. Colie even channeled her inner Rob Schneider and started running like a cheetah. That was hilarious on a number of different levels. You can insert your own joke here.
After the credits, the reality superstars got a chance to check out their new digs. I was half-hoping that MTV would set them up in some poor South African village, but those dreams were dashed quickly when I saw the palace they entered. If the Inferno dungeon was hell, then this place had to be heaven, because it was simply amazing. The new house even had the automated sliding doors that you see at malls, for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what the point of this was, but I like to think it was because the challenge contestants have gotten so lazy that they complained about opening and closing doors.
While everyone else was running around like a bunch of idiots, poor Timmy seemed a little perturbed. What was wrong you ask? I think after seeing all the 20-somethings running around, he finally realized that he was older than most of their parents, “Apparently I’ve been hired as a chaperone by MTV.” The sad thing is, he probably wasn’t kidding. I’ve been trying to figure out for years why they keep bringing Timmy back. He brings nothing to the table. In fact, he actually takes things off the table. Beth may be old, but at least she’s entertaining. (God forgive me.)
On the other hand, CT felt like this was his year. “Because Diem’s not here, I am definitely more focused on the game. I’m gonna be way more aggressive, and I’m gonna come out headhunting.” Literally. At least his Boston accent wasn’t bleeding from his mouth like usual.
Dressed like a Mahdahn Day Unibahmah
Cara from Road Rules was back this year. Doesn’t ring a bell? You might remember her from the alliance scandal on the Gauntlet 2, or if you’re a guy, her Playboy spread a couple of years ago. Had she finally figured out that the whole alliance thing was probably the reason she went home the last challenge? Nope. “To make it to the end, Susie and I have an alliance, is that a big surprise to anyone?” It’s a little surprising to me actually. Considering the two of them are both on the Good Guy team, and they vote for players on the OTHER team, what is the point of their little alliance? Damn it, there I go applying logic again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Also back this year was none other than Tonya, fresh off her soft-core porn debut in “The Erotic Traveler 02: Lost in Ecstasy.” I think that last sentence speaks for itself regarding Tonya’s state of mind entering this Challenge. On second thought, maybe I don’t have to tease that number down after all.
The producers have finally gotten smart, and figured out that in order to keep the show fresh, they need to rotate the crazies so they don’t get stale. For the Inferno III we have Tonya, Abram and CT. Those poor kids that are going to be on Fresh Meat II, they are going to get stuck with Beth, Tina and Coral. Yikes.
Paula gets this Challenge started off right
by fellating new comer from Wisconsin, the invisible man.
Tonya had been trying to tame her image a little, and to the surprise of everyone, got married during the “offseason.” “No one sees me settling down, because I use to drink, have sex, do whatever I want. But now, I have recently found a man that has changed all that… Don’t get me wrong, you’re not going to take Tonya out of Tonya.” Oh, I see, now Tonya just drinks, has sex, and does whatever she wants… sometimes.
After the meet and greet with the cast, we headed to the dining room for a couple of toasts. The first person to toast was CT of all people. Shades of Spencer Pratt, anyone? In an astounding turn of events, the toast wasn’t that bad. Ironically enough, the first person he tapped glasses with after the toast was Davis. We’ll get to that in a little bit though. CT wasn’t the only one feeling toasty; Davis had a few ironic words as well, “To new friends, friends to remember, and let’s make this a night to forget.” Don’t worry Davis, you’ll want to forget this night real soon. Cheers.
This joyful dinner reminds me of another group of friends. . .
And if memory serves, things worked out just as well for them.
After the toasts, everyone seemed to be in great spirits. Johnny Bananas was playing an African drum, Tyrie was working the maracas, and CT was choking out Kenny on the floor. Whoa, where did that come from? Well, what appeared to possibly be friendly wrestling soon turned violent when CT refused to relinquish the chokehold. After getting whipped around by CT in the house, one would think Kenny’s done with wrestling, right? Think again. Next thing you know, the two of them were shirtless on the deck going at it once more. Colie seemed to be enjoying herself though, “CT and Kenny wanted to see who has the bigger cock, and in order to prove that, I guess you have to wrestle” Somebody should tell CT and Kenny that if they wanted to prove to Colie who had the bigger cock, all they had to do is treat her like crap, and they’d be in like Flynn. Haven’t they watched the “Real World Denver”? Actually, I think they were trying to see who had the bigger “balls,” but Colie just has dick on the brain.
It never takes long for hook ups on this show…
…but I gotta say, I did not see this one coming!
The wrestling continued though, until CT had choked out Kenny again, but wound up with a bloody nose. This infuriated the drunken gladiator, so he started spewing out his usual slew of veiled threats:
“Let me bang you out real quick and we’ll find out.”
“Say I’m the man!”
“I’ll bang you right the fuck out!”
I mean seriously, these screencaps are kinda writing themselves. . .
I think I’m getting DÃ©jÃ vu. Word to the wise – If you don’t like CT and you travel to Boston, stay away from the bar scene. There are a hundred CTs running around at all times. They hit on your girlfriend, pick numerous fights, and throw drinks at people, all the while spouting obscene threats in thick Boston accents. For example, I’ve heard a thousand different variations of this threat over the years while working: “What? You wanna staaaht? What are you, retaahded? I will work you, son. I will fackin’ work you, guy.”
After things seemingly had settled down in the house a little bit, chaos reigned supreme once again. You couldn’t tell exactly what happened, but through the shades on the bathroom door, you could see Davis and Johnny Bananas hugging against the wall. Don’t get any ideas; Johnny was just trying to console Davis. Apparently, Davis had just been punched in the eye. Gee, I wonder what drunken asshole did that. Bananas shed some light on the situation for us: “Davis looks at me, and he has a shiner the size of a golf ball on his face, you know? Then he said. ‘CT hit me.’ ” Shocker. What I want to know is why Johnny was so into helping Davis? He was like a soothing mother watching over her newborn. Maybe he was trying to reshape his image in the gay community after the “Real World Key West”?
After the break, Tyrie had penetrated Johnny Bananas’ protective force field around Davis, and got the 411. Apparently, CT randomly asked Davis if he could take a punch, and when Davis said “I guess,” CT clocked him.
A shot from the DAVIS FACE CAM
Tyrie was not happy when he heard the news, so he jumped into the nearest phone booth and emerged as Leroy Jenkins. This was a tame Leroy Jenkins though, because instead of screaming like a madman, he casually questioned CT about the incident while he was passed out. Unfortunately for CT, I don’t think he got off to a “wicked good staaaht” this year, because he appeared to be sleeping in the hallway. Last year, he sauntered around the house like he was Don Juan, and stumbled upon the only single bedroom in the place. This year’s sleeping arrangements appeared to be a Barca Lounger.
CT didn’t have to worry about sleepless nights for long though, because a producer appeared in the middle of the night to give him the boot. You couldn’t see it on TV, but I’m sure this guy had a fleet of security behind him with tasers, because CT went rather quietly. He may not have been swinging, but he was certainly still a bigot, saying, “All I know is there’s a gay kid who isolates himself.” Oy.
With CT gone, what would the Bad Asses do since they were down a man? We didn’t have to wonder long, because TJ suddenly appeared at the house with an announcement. Rumor had it, MTV had flown in a Bad Ass replacement for CT, and he would be there shortly. This news stunned everybody except Danny, who could barely contain the boner brought on by the news. He immediately started cooing for his partner in illegal supplement crime, “I knew it! I knew! Give us Wes! Give us Wes, baby!” Normally I would balk at the idea of Wes showing up, but after The Duel, I changed my tune about Wes a little. Plus, who would you rather have show up? Mark? Evan? Derrick? I’ll take Wes every day of the week and twice on Sunday, as opposed to those clowns. Give us Wes! Give us Wes, baby!
There wasn’t much suspense about who would show up, because mere seconds later, we saw the shadow of a man strolling up the driveway with a bag in his hand. Damn it, it was Derrick. “I really wasn’t expecting to do another Challenge, but I got a phone call that was like ‘Hey, can you drop everything and come to South Africa?’ ” Yeah sure, buddy, that’s why you showed up an hour after the fight happened. Derrick was probably so upset that he didn’t get invited, that he bought a ticket to South Africa the same week, just so he wouldn’t miss anything.
The next morning, it was finally time to start the challenges. You know, the things they are actually in South Africa for. The first one was called “Unbraided.” In a nutshell, each member of the respective teams was attached to an individual rope by a harness. The ropes were then knotted together and raised over water. The goal of the game was to get the ropes “unbraided” without falling in the water by hitting the quick-release button on their harnesses.
The first group up was the Good Guys, who wasted no time showing their team inadequacies. They got about one person loose before Colie accidentally hit her quick-release button. Instead of just owning up to it, Colie reverted back to her old tricks and started making excuses, “By some great force of nature, my quick-release harness becomes undone.” That’s what she gets for letting some guy try to go down on her during a mission. Hope was not completely lost though, because she had not actually fallen in, she merely landed on Davis’ shoulders. The freak luck didn’t last long, because another great force of nature happened, causing Davis’s harness to become undone, and they both went tumbling into the water.
The hip bones connected to the knee bone,
the nee bones connected to Brads face bone,
Brads face bones connected to Tonya Herpe bone…wait what?
It was now the Bad Asses’ turn, and if they screwed up, we got to do this dreadfully boring challenge all over again. Go Bad Asses! If they were smart, they would just take their time, and make sure that nobody fell in, no matter how long it took. Then again, that would be the logical solution, so we’ll probably be here all day.
Hell must have frozen over, because the Bad Asses actually took their time. On the coattails of common sense, they coasted to the victory. Kenny was marinating in juices of victory, and stated, “Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.” Why don’t we get another opinion, and head up to the sky to ask what CT thinks about the good/evil paradox? “Good is wicked retahhhded.” Have a nice flight home, pal.
Back at the house, the teams headed into “trophy rooms” where they needed to deliberate over who to send from the other squad into the Inferno. The Good Guys were leaning toward Abram, because they felt like it would cut the heart out of the Bad Asses. Interesting strategy – especially when Team BA decided to pick Davis. Looks like the Good Guys will be a man down shortly. Alton was not happy about this news. I think he actually wanted to be named, “That is a really weak move on their part, especially when Abram’s coming up to me everyday since we’ve landed, saying ‘I’ll see you in there, brother.’ ” Oh snap, this is starting to get interesting. Excuse me, I need to call my bookie quickly, “Yeah, hi, can I throw a C-note down on ‘Infernos won by Alton’? I’ll take the over please.”
Alton may get his chance at Abram after all, because there is a life shield available for the winner of the next day’s challenge. If Alton wins, takes Davis’ place, and then promptly knocks Abe out, he will become my personal hero. If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I’m card-carrying member of Team Alton.
The next day, the teams arrived at some random field for the next challenge. At least this one looked a little more interesting; it appeared as if they would need to scale some makeshift buildings with ladders. The challenge was aptly named “Ladder Race.” Basically, each person had to scale a building, climb across the roof of that building, and then climb down the final building using a ladder. Team with the lowest cumulative time wins. Simple right? Well, that is unless you’re afraid of heights. Don’t look down, Tyrie!
Derek was so excited to see Danny….
…he banged him
The first pair to go was Danny and Timmy. Danny wasn’t sweating this challenge, and told us, “I do this everyday, climb up ladders, and build houses. This is nothing for me.” God, I hope he falls now. Unfortunately, Danny made it across without a hitch. Timmy on the other hand, didn’t do as well. He must have been late for the early bird special at Denny’s or something, because after he climbed the first ladder, he suddenly fell for no apparent reason. I’m chalking this one up to arthritis.
Cara and Aneesa went next, and they didn’t fare much better than Timmy. They may not have fallen, but they couldn’t even manage to lift the ladder enough to hook it on the next rung of the building, so they both just sat in the first window and waited out the 15-minute time limit. I think Johnny Bananas summed up everyone’s feelings regarding Cara’s effort, when he said, “At this point, I’m pretty sure she’s not thinking about the challenge. She’s thinking about shopping at Bloomingdales, and having a Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.” Mmmmmm… Caramel Macchiato… To add insult to injury, not only did Cara let the time expire, but she also threw her ladder, which added a 2-minute penalty to the team. Good thing she’s got that sweet alliance to fall back on…
Play the Don Imus Game:
Can you tell which Challenger this is based soley on…umm…nevermind, I like my job
A couple of other teams went, and then Tyrie got his chance to face his fears. Just as predicted, he lasted about a minute before he “accidentally” kicked his ladder over. Oops. Better hope Abram doesn’t win the life shield, pal.
Davis then got his chance to make his case for the shield, and he actually handled the course pretty quickly. Of course, the first one to meet him at the finish line was his new best friend, Johnny B. I’m starting to sense a theme here. While David may have finished the course with a good time, I’m sorry to say that he has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the life shield with Alton still to go. As we found out on “Gauntlet II,” Alton + Climbing = Thanks for coming.
Before Alton got his chance to tackle the course, Ace had an opportunity to prove his ineptitude on yet another challenge. At least he realizes he sucks. “I really, really want to do well in this one,” he said. “I never had a chance to really shine on any of these challenges.” MTV then reinforced Ace’s futility by showing a montage of all the different times he’s been sent home early on previous “Challenges.” Hmm, maybe MTV was trying to set us up for a triumphant moment for poor Ace? Fat chance. Ace fell off the ladder before he even got to the first window. Abram must have been going crazy standing there watching that. “Damn it, how could we have forgotten that Ace was on the Good Guys??? I would rather go into “The Inferno” with him than one of the girls on their team.”
So much for monogamy. Tonya humps the first ladder she sees.
It was now time for the last two competitors, so Alton and Abram stepped up to the starting line. I don’t think the Good Guys have a chance to win the challenge no matter how well Alton does, but I will definitely enjoy watching Abram get his ass handed to him.
They both flew up the first couple of ladders, and Abram was actually ahead. I kept waiting for Alton to make his comeback, but I guess Abe is climber as well, and he managed to hold off Alton for the victory. Is it too late to take that bet back? Alton didn’t seem too worried about the loss; he was just worried about winning the life shield so he could take out Abram in the Inferno later. Was he sandbagging to conserve his strength??? Alton did indeed win the life shield for his team, but the Bad Asses won the war, and the $10,000 check. Speaking of themes, I don’t think we’ve heard the last of that particular result this season.
Combining both competition and her OBGYN check up may have cost the Good Guys the game
The two teams then gathered in the Inferno dungeon for the showdown. What would Alton do, would he save Davis? Would Abram chicken out, and throw a teammate to the wolves? First up was Alton, and sure enough, he revealed that he was going to use the life shield to save Davis. (Pumping my fist.) Now it was on Abram. Would we have the ultimate Inferno on the first episode? Nope, Abram chickened out and used his life shield to send in Tyrie. Uh oh, if this is a test of strength, Alton may be going home.
“TO BE CONTINUED”
WTF? Oh yea, I forgot. Check.
What did you guys think about the premiere? I think this season looks EXTREMELY promising. The same guy who picked the clips for “Next time on ‘The Hills,’ ” definitely picked the clips for “This season on ‘The Challenge,’ ” because some of things I heard blew me away. Did I hear Janelle tell Bananas that she was pregnant with his kid??? We haven’t had a good pregnancy scare since Vegas. I can’t wait… Do you guys think the “Bad Asses” will run away with this Challenge, or will Danny’s roid-rage cause the team to self destruct? See you guys on the board.