I gotta say, I’m a little shocked by the most recent episode of The Gauntlet 2. There was no random yelling, no petty squabbles, and no gossipy conspiracies. What the hell? This is supposed to be The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, not the battle of normalcy. Alas, we had a good run, didn’t we? And I suppose not even the most seasoned of reality stars can provide drama 24/7. As a result, we had a rather tame episode — one that put both the challenge and the Gauntlet in center stage. The bad news: it wasn’t totally exciting. The good news: looks like we’ve got more Cara/Suzie/Kina bitchiness next week.Last night’s episode started off with soon-to-be humpbirds Alton and Jodi talking wistfully about the team and Kina and friendship and blah. I personally hoped they’d discuss what the deal was with Alton’s gaping knee wound — could someone dress that? I can already smell the gangrene. Anyway, as the two babbled away, Jodi told us in an interview, “I just enjoy Alton’s company.” C’mon. You want to jump his bones. Just ‘fess up already.
“Doesn’t hurt that he’s hot too,” Jodi then added. There we go. That’s the horny Jodi we know and love.
Elsewhere in the Bunim/Murray compound, Beth and Syrus commiserated about their situation. No, they weren’t comparing their Medicare packages. They were kvetching about the Veteran team’s inability to get it together. “Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not giving up on anything,” Syrus then told us. Hmm… Sounds awfully optimistic — in stark contrast to his woe-is-me remarks a few weeks ago. This sort of change in attitude can only mean one thing: Syrus is totally a goner.
Anyway, over in the Kitchen of Trinidad and Tobago, most of the cast was assembled around a table, perhaps having just dined on a fine meal of penne alla vodka, hold the “penne alla.” Robin was the lucky lass to receive this week’s clue on her T-Mobile Sidekick, and after having read it aloud, she urged, “Let’s get buckwild!!” This caused MJ to shake and writhe his moptop like an epileptic Sideshow Bob, and hey, Derrick’s dumb periwinkle hat made a surprise second appearance! Yay for sartorial stupidity!
The next day at the challenge, the teams encountered a large contraption that was in effect a mechanical bull simulator. Basically, one team would sit on the thing while the other team would yank and pull on some bungee chords in an effort to create the bucking motion. Riders would be unable to hold on with their hands, and after thirty minutes, teams would switch places. Whoever knocked off the most people would win.
The rookies hopped on first, and at the sound of TJ’s horn, the Veterans began pulling aggressively, almost as if they were operating some sort of human elevator system. Well, despite all tugging and whatnot, the Rookies were barely moving at all. Sometimes there would be a surge of motion, but nothing particularly jarring. As Suzie put it, the whole experience was really a “quite mild ride.” And to prove it, Suzie even flapped her arms like a bird. Oh, you know that rankled Derrick. If only he could have smothered her with an effeminate, knitted cap!
Well, the Veterans pulled and pulled… and pulled some more, but nothing was working. “It’s just a bunch of drunk ferrets. No one’s working together. We can’t budge these people at all,” Timmy scoffed. You know, I’m not sure if sober ferrets would be much better. Just saying — they’re not known for their group tugging skills.
Anyway, we then went to commercial, which meant we got to see the first of several annoying “drop” spots for the latest Interpol wannabes, She Wants Revenge. How about She Wants Originality? Heh. Indie dis.
Okay, back to the show. We returned to the event, and guess what? The Veterans still couldn’t knock off those stolid Rookies. It was only a matter of time before some minor snipping took place. “You’re talking so loud, they can hear things,” Katie complained to Robin, who retorted, “They’re two feet in front of me. What do you want me to do??” And that, my friends, was the most intense moment of the challenge.
A little later, David tried to convince us (or perhaps himself) that his team could succeed. “I think we’re all college-educated, pretty smart guys,” he said. Eh, let’s not flatter yourselves. Just because Derrick’s said the word “college” doesn’t mean that he’s actually “college-educated.” And besides, if you guys are so smart, how come none of you are trying any sideways motion to knock these people, you know, off balance?
Well, the veterans eventually gave up, causing Timmy to announce what we knew all along: “We’re a bunch of IDIOTS!” True, and yet you’re all receiving thousands of dollars season after season. Really puts the American Dream/Protestant work ethic correlation into perspective, doesn’t it?
Anyway, the Veterans then climbed onto the apparatus, with Syrus needing extra help getting his fat ass up there (bad sign). The Rookies then began pulling, and like their opponents, they had very little success. But then Jodi suggested some sort of strategy that seemed to employ sideways motion (we never really found out the details), and before we knew it, old man Syrus was going, going, GONE! The big guy fell off the bucking bronco (or lightly moving cylinder, rather), causing his team to lose.
All the Vets were sad, but none more so than Beth, who feared this could be the end for her only friend. Well, at Gauntlet deliberations, Syrus didn’t pull an Ace and volunteer himself. Instead, he babbled on and on in an effort to basically say, “Hey, I know I fell off, but we all messed up if you think about it.”
“Now, it is what it is,” he said. “It was a tough event. There was a strategy that no one figured out. So it was what it was. It was a situation where we didn’t think quick enough, we didn’t figure it out, and that’s just what it is.” Translation: it wasn’t me.
Never one to take things too seriously, Derrick stood up and scowled, “I hate this. I don’t even want to say names. I don’t even want to do that, dude. I can’t. Because I f*ckin’, I like everyone too damn much.” Hey Derrick — it’s just a game. Lighten up. Do you want your knitted cap? Will that make you feel better?
Well, surprise, surprise — Syrus was chosen for the Gauntlet, and if that didn’t blow your mind, the event was… CAPTAIN’S CHOICE!! Why, I never would have expected! Derrick obviously picked his favorite challenge, the beach brawl — come for the oil, stay for the homoeroticism. But with Syrus seriously outweighing the scrappy team captain, might this be the end of the line for Derrick?
“I’m thinking that Derrick doesn’t have much of a chance of winning,” David commented. Okay, so that means Derrick will probably win. Chances of Syrus losing: 80%.
“I think this is gonna be an event that I can beat Derrick in,” Syrus then said. Chances of Syrus losing: 90%.
Later, Alton and Jodi couldn’t believe that Derrick had chosen Beach Brawl. There’s no way he could beat Syrus at that. Chances of Syrus losing: 93%.
Now, if Derrick then said, “I can definitely beat Syrus,” I would drop the percentage, but instead, he said, “I might be going home today.” Chances of Syrus losing: 99%.
At the Gauntlet, the guys got all oiled up (making Syrus look ravishing), and just before the wrestling began, Suzie gave us that last little bit of assurance that this would be Derrick’s day. “I think this might be Derrick’s swan song,” she said. Chances of Syrus losing: 100%.
Well, the two guys entered the circle of man-touching, and right out of the gate, there was controversy. Derrick quickly drove Syrus out of the ring, but that’s because Syrus was spending more time protesting that Derrick’s hand was already on him. TJ would have none of it, causing Syrus’s temper to reach new, scary levels. On the second round, Syrus proved to be more of a threat, but while he had lots of mass, he didn’t seem to understand the whole concept of “staying low.” And so, Derrick was easily able to push Syrus out again.
“HIS HAND’S OUT!! HIS HAND’S OUT!!” Syrus yelled, but again, his protests landed on deaf ears. “MAN, F*CK!!” he finally shouted. Amazingly, he won the next round, which caused Derrick to revert to the playground complaining: “YOU were down FIRST!” But buck up, Derrick. This is your event. Sure enough, Derrick managed to push Syrus out of the ring, therefore sealing a victory and sending the big man home. Wow, didn’t see that coming!
Well, this led to a short and inconsequential goodbye sequence where Beth cried and worried that she might not have the strength to go on. Please, Beth, for the sake of us viewers, find that strength. Later, we moved back to the bar where we found Jodi and Alton grinding up on each other.
“Alton and I both just enjoy being around each other,” Jodi then told us. Okay, seriously. Stop with the politeness. Just go hook up already.
The two then had an extremely deep conversation about love, with Alton noting, “Like love is a weird thing. It’s… it’s one of those things. It’s not like being drunk and then being sober.” Yeah, man. So true. By the way, what is this “sober” concept you speak of?
Alton then told us “As of right now, me and Jodi are just building a real relationship that will last beyond Tobago.” Sure… Whatever. All great relationships begin in a dusty corner of a Caribbean bar. And as the show drew to a close, we then saw the two making out against the wall. Ah, a romance of the ages…
What did you think about this week? Were you rooting for Syrus or Derrick?