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Last time on the Duel: Brooke went home in the sissiest Duel ever, Evan pouted and acted like a pussy, Mark was old, TJ was monotonous and boring and the opening still sucked.
We start this episode with Evan giving a long monologue…about sheep? Um, ok. He says something about how “chicks dig a winner” as he wrestles a Lambchop (R.I.P.) look-alike. Do the producers hate Evan too?
Tori tells us that she’s not afraid to go home, which are pretty big words for someone riding off of her fiancee. In her eyes, other people are afraid to get called into the Duel because they may go home and they have nothing better to do with their lives. Can’t say I disagree, dear.
Neh tells us that he’s “not going to play this game on (his) knees.” I’m sure there’s a gay joke in there somewhere, any takers?
Katie starts a wrestling match with Ruthie, and before you guys get all excited, trust me when I say it’s a very unsexy wrestling match. Lots of grunting and body slamming. Where’s Jenn and Rachel when you need them?
Jenn and Rachel are having a heart-to-heart, where they both admit that the other confuses them. Rachel is acting kinda like Regina George and Jenn is all Lindsey Lohan and can’t understand why.
Jenn tells us that “the Rachel I know is GONE” and then tells her some B.S. about how she either needs to “quit the game or quit you.”
It’s time for our next challenge! TJ talks about beautiful New Zealand with the enthusiasm of a doctor who’s telling a patient they have 3 months to live. I’m going to start calling him Not-Rob, because I will refuse to acknowledge any host that’s NOT-ROB DYRDEK! Who’s with me? And how awesome would that be if Rob was the next host? He and Drama would kick such major ass, not to mention stir up all kinds of drama and intrigue.
This week’s challenge is called “Louging My Mind.” How (not) clever!
Once again, they have to split into teams of two, one guy and one girl. The guys will run up the track, louge down in a wierd go-kart looking thing, then tag their female partner who have to do the same thing. Once the girls are done, they’ll join their partner to try and solve a puzzle together. Oh, and they have to do it all with a giant bobble head on their heads.
Um, what? These challenges are becoming the most random things ever. I wonder if they producers got into Not-Rob’s weed, or if they are now just picking nouns out of a hat, mad lib style: The teams have to (verb) up a (noun) where they pick up a (noun) and then (verb) it back to their partner, all while wearing a (noun) on their (body part.)” Try it out and leave your challenge mad-lib ideas in the comments section.
And we have yet another prize by Autonet. We get it. You can turn your car into a wireless hotspot, but I still don’t want one. I have this awesome thing called an iPhone. (however, if they were to send me one for free…..)
MJs hair is extra whack today-like Carrot Top and Sideshow Bob had a freaky blonde love child. Too bad he sent all the hot gay guys before they could give him a makeover that made the quarterback of the football team dump the head cheerleader and totally take him to the prom instead!
They start to partner up, and our matches are: Derek and Kimberly, Isaac and Ruthie, Mark and Rachel, Big Easy and Katie, Brad and Tori, Neh and Jen, Landon and Brittini, and Diem and Evan. There should be a rule that you can’t pair up with the same partner twice in a row, because it’s getting really boring to see the same people get together each time. Oh, yeah, and have I mentioned: I HATE EVAN
The guys run up the track with thier bobble heads and its super awesome. If Not-Rob isn’t high already, he should be because this is pretty damn hilarious.
Diem says that some people adjust to bobbleheads better then others. Yes, it’s a special skill that a very slim percentage of the population has.
My boy Landon is the first one to his kart, followed by Evil Evan. They fly down the track, but Mark can’t get his to work very well. It’s not like the go-karts he used in the 1920′s when he was running moonshine during the Prohibition.
Eric is in last place (shocker), with Landon and Evan at the top (shocker).
Dunar crosses the finish line to tag Paula, but instead crashes into her and they both fall down. Awesome!
The girls are running up the hill, and Diem the DQ Queen is trying to pass Ruthie. is the first one to her kart thingee, and Evan is shouting lots of stuff at her. PLEASE find a way to get DQ’ed, Diem!
The other teams catch up and just about everyone is trying to put their puzzle together, with the exception of Big Easy, who is STILL trying to make it up that damn hill. Producers, it’s just getting mean to have him on the show.
The puzzle is a bunch of L’s that they have to put together to make the Duel design. Snooze. It is a little amusing that they can’t fit side-by-side in their puzzle booth with the bobble heads on.
Not-Rob is watching them work, prolly trying to find a marijuana leaf somewhere in the puzzle design.
Landon and Brit end up winning, and Katie and Easy never even got to touch the puzzle. Evan is of course pouting and crying because he didn’t win. Dial it down a notch dude, damn.
It’s time for Landon and Britini to decide who to save, and this part is always weird for me. Landon and Britini “deliberate” and chose to save Rachel, but its not like they are really doing her any favors she can still get called into the duel. If someone can explain to me why the order matters, then please do.
Jenn is complaining about her arm/shoulder hurting and is already crying about leaving. Paula is worried that Jenn’s head is back home already and I think it is, too. God, I’m agreeing with Paula again.
Jenn goes to see the doctor and drives away in a really crappy car. Even Adam and CT were escorted away in something nicer.
Back from the doctor, Jenn almost gleefully tells Derek about her sprained shoulder. She’s trying to decide what to do, but I think we all know she’s going to see if Rachel wants her, and if so, she’ll stay
Jenn talks to Neh, who is busy making a shrine (he got into Not-Rob’s stash) and cutting out something that looks suspiciosly like a skater s that I used to draw in middle school.
Side note: is Jenn pretty, or is she a full on Monet? It’s tough tell sometimes, but I’m leaning towards pretty, if she would take those god-awful headbands off.
After her convo with Neh, Jenn decides to be tough and fight through the pain. She’s taking a page from Diem’s “I am woman, hear me roar!” book.
Dunbar, Landon and Evan are outside complaining about Neh. Apparantly, he posts a new quote of the day each day and its starting to annoy peeps. Landon feels like today’s quote is passively-aggressively targeting him. I want to know why you are hanging out with these two bozos Lando!
Rachel, Brit and Tori are the top girls to get saved first. Katie is talking about knocking these girls off their pedastools. Evil Katie is coming out and I like it! But, Brit has kinda proved herself, and Tori, I like you hon, but you haven’t exactly been a fierce competitor.
It’s time for the save ceremony. Not-Rob goes through the typical spiel, Landon and Britini get to pick who they want to save first, then they alternate until there are two left who can compete in the duel against anyone but Landon and Britini.
Here’s how it goes down: Rachel picks Old Man Mark, who wheezes out that he picks Tori, who of course picks Brad, who acts really surprised then picks Diem, who picks big stupid head Evan, who picks scary Aneesa, who picks the boy with the dumb hair MJ, who picks Kimberly, who thanks the lord that she’s not in Blackville and picks Derrek, who picks Katie, who picks a still-tired-from-all-that-running Big Easy, who picks Ruthie, who picks my homeboy Issac, who for the love of god I’ll never understand why picks Paula, who of course picks Dunbar, leaving Jenn and Neh to go to the DUEL.
It’s time for them to decide who they want to go against, and I’m momentarily worried that Neh will pick Isaac. There’s alot of big guys left. But of course, we cut to a commercial, and luckily no commercials with Evan dressed as a swinger from the 40s.
Back from commercial and Neh announces his pick: EVAN! Ruh roh. He also gets in a good dig, calling him the “sneakiest bastard of all.” Hee hee hee hee. Evan calls him gutless, and Neh tells him to go fuck himself. Excuse me while I put down my drink to do a real evil laugh. Mmmmwwwaaaahhhhaahahaha!
Evan, why are you so special that you can’t get called in to the Duel? Just because you got your MBA from a reality school does not make you exempt from the duel! If anything, you should be thanking Neh as this will give you more Dramatic One Liners for the camera. Anyone want to start a count of how many more there will be this season?
Jenn ends up picking Katie, saying its not because she’s weak or small but because they’ll have a good time in the duel. Isn’t that like saying you’re not fat, you’re big boned, but I still won’t be seen with you in public?
Now it’s time for them to pick their duel games. Neh picks The Elevator, Jenn gets Push Over. With a bum shoulder. Who wants to bet that she quits before the duel?
Evan was of course hoping that it was a truly physical challenge so he could send Neh home in a body bag, and says “I’m afraid.” Me too. I’m afraid I’ll throw something at my beautiful flat screen TV if you keep saying this stupid shit.
Katie practices her Push Over technique with E and Ruthie. It’s kind of cute to watch all 90-lbs of her try and slam into Eric. He almost ricochets her back to the United States.
Jenn is packing up her shit when Rachel comes to see if she needs anything. Rachel tells us she has a weakness for Jenn. Come on and give us the sexy wrestling MTV promised on the peviews!
Paula talks to Evan, who is alrady making excuses about how his arm hurts from the last duel. Cry me a river you freaking baby. He keeps calling Neh a coward. Uh, why exactly? There’s no rule that says you can’t call someone into the duel consecutive times. Sure it might not be the most ethical thing to do but lord knows that Evan has played a sneaky game one or a million times.
Paula keeps saying she knew Neh was going to call Evan into the Duel. Um, yeah, because you spent all last episode telling Neh what a shitty bastard Evan is.
At the duel, Kim has her retarded beret on. Before you berate me in the comments section for using that word, I hate it too, but come on, look at her:
We get the Guy Duel first. In the Elevator game, the guys are in a cage suspended from a chain. They have to pull themselves up by a chain/lever thingee about 30 feet, and the first one to the top wins.
Evan is upset that he doesn’t “get to beat anyone up, (he’s) just sitting in a cage and pulling a chain.” You can practically see where they cut out him stamping his feet and crossing his arms like a baby.
Not-Rob starts the Duel. I’m rooting for Neh, who I don’t particularly enjoy but is the lesser of two evils.
Neh does the slow and steady pull (teehee) while Evan takes a slightly different approach:
Neh’s slow and steady approach appears to be paying off, but Evan quickly gains ground and they are neck and neck. Both are pretty dang close to the top but sadly, Evan wins.
Evan tells the camera “I hope you all get the message. I’m here to win and as soon as I get something physical, I’m sending someone home in an ambulance.” Oh, you’re such a man Evan! I seem to remember someone wearing a unitard and trying to fuck a sheep.
Neh walks away very oddly. I think he’s trying to do a pimp walk, but it comes across as a pimp with MS.
Time for the Girls Duel, which I almost forgot about. They do a weird clappy thing before, which I totally don’t get.
Our girls are playing Push Over, and best out of 3 wins. Jenn quickly wins the first round, and Not-Rob tells Katie that she needs to pick it up. Thanks, we all know how 2 out of 3 works, now go back to your bong and kill more brain cells.
Katie wins the next round and the game is now ties. The girl rush at each other and Jenn is pretty ferosh, and ends up winning, sprainded shoulder be DAMNED!
“I will EAT YOUR FACE BITCH!”
Not-Rob looks up from his bong long enough to kick Katie to the curb. Katie doesn’t even bother to say goodbye and the group has to chase her down to say peace out.
Evan is patting himself on the back for earning another day of staying in NZ and “petting the sheep” but we all know what that’s a euphemism for.
Back at the house, we FINALLY get the Rachel and Jenn sexy wrestling they have been promising us. So much for that hurt shoulder.
The wrestling quickly turns into lights out, smooching and moaning time. The cast takes turns listening at the window, very reminiscent of that time in Miami where Flora tried to climb through the bathroom window to see if Mike was having a threesome.
Jenn says she really loves Rachel and Paula crashes on on their post-sexy time bliss. Paula lays on top of them for some reason, and Jenn strokes Paula’s face. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want those fingers anywhere near me.
Ugh, I thought this whole episode was pretty dang boring, and for the love of god, please stop giving Evan so much screen time!
Next week: Brad and Tori fight while her face is covered in acne cream, and we have some kind of free fall/bunjee challenge.
And I’d like to end this re-cap with some suggestions to the producers on who would make a better host for future challenges then Not-Rob: