The City: Tamaramadrama

Tonight on The Shitty: Olivia books Jay’s band for a hoity-toity shindig; Erin worries about juggling two guys; Nevan is an asshole.

Get us the hell outta here.

Jay, Whitney, and Jay’s hair are at a restaurant, and Jay’s either tired or drunk because he has to be subtitled. He’s getting ready for a “gig” with his band — Tamarama. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they headlined a Bananarama reunion tour? They could call it: Tamarama/Bananarama Rama. It’s just fun to say! Whitney talks about Erin and J.R., but all I can focus on is Jay’s hair. It’s so high and unmanageable. I bet he hasn’t washed it in three days. Whit mentions that she may invite Olivia to the “gig,” and Jay says he’ll set up a section for her so she doesn’t have to mingle with “the commoners.” Ha. Also, true. We need to keep her away from people with retirement home shoes! Credits.

Wow. I guess there really does come a time when you forget there are cameras on you.

Mary-Kate Olsen?! No, it’s Olivia. She has weird legs. She meets Nevan at some restaurant, and it’s really sad that she has no other friends. Especially since Nevan is her cousin. And he offered prescription drugs to an undercover cop for a blow job. Have I mentioned that before?

Hey, Jarrod, I think it’s my turn!

Olivia tells Nevan about going to see Tamarama and says that the “girls” are coming over so he’ll have to leave the apartment. Nevan says that going to see Tamarama is her “good deed.” Which is fine — the homeless people under the bridge totally understand.

So, Whit and Erin get into a cab, but . . . is it just me or is the editing completely wonky? First of all, I think Erin got on the (back) passenger’s side of the cab, but later on she’s shown on the (back) driver’s side, and she says something when the car is moving pretty quickly, but Whit responds while they’re not moving at all . . . Did they take separate cabs and then film individually?! WTF is going on?! Ah, I guess they’re in the same cab . . . that was weird. Oh, and they talk about J.R. and timing. They arrive at Olivia’s white white white apartment (ten bucks says she doesn’t allow brown food or liquid in her place) where she asks if they want “champy,” as in champagne. Now, I’m usually all about cute shortenings of words. I’ll give you a nice “perf” for perfect or something, but “champy?” Ugh. They’re in a bit of a rush, but Olivia says Jay will hold the show for Whitney. Um, that’s stupid, because he won’t, and from the looks that Erin and Whit give each other, they know he won’t either. Why should he? Olivia sucks.

It’s called champers, you twit.

Jay and his band are at The Cutting Room, ready to go on. Where’s Whit? She’ll be here, Jay says, adding, she better be. And scene!

Back at Olivia’s, the girls are drinking champagne while Olivia blahs about changing into something all black. Whit says she likes the outfit she has on now (Translation: Shut the eff up, bitch and let’s get the hell out of your weird apartment, and hail a freaking cab so we can see my boyfriend’s show!). While Olivia goes to her closet to grab some other clothes, Erin and Whit make hilarious faces at each other because they’re running late. Really, I don’t do it justice, but it’s funny. Erin, sweetie, we talked about the lipstick last week. Jay’s band starts to play at The Cutting Room. No one really seems to care. And Olivia is finally ready to go. Drama! Except not even a little bit.

Disco Granny. How…social.

They arrive at the club, and I mentioned this in the comments last week, but I’m going to say it again: Tamarama doesn’t really suck (a lot), but their harmonies? Yeowza. One of the people singing really shouldn’t. Ever. Now, I don’t know who that is, per se, but I hope they take a good hard listen to this ep. Olivia manages to dance a little, after she downs her drink. Gawd, I really want to see Olivia drunk. I’m just waiting for that moment where she drunkenly tells Jay she’s in love with him, shows him her boobs, and then throws a major hissy when he rebuffs her.

J.R. arrives just in time for Tamarama to end their set, and Olivia leaves, saying that she has to “work tomorrow.” Erin talks about how awkward it is seeing J.R., and Whit pulls her aside to talk about how sad she is that she was late for Jay’s show, and Erin tells her that it was Olivia’s fault, which it was. Jay interrupts to say,” What else do you expect when you hang out with people like that?” Whoa, whoa, whoa. I get that you hate Olivia. We all do, mmkay? But don’t take it out on poor Whit-Whit. It wasn’t her fault.

I didn’t cast this show, you bastard!

The next day at DVF, Olivia has turned into Avril Lavigne and doesn’t care about anything Whitney has to say because she has news about her charity, a charity that donates used coats to homeless people. Ugh, seriously? Look, heart in the right place MAYBE, but it’s such a rich person thing to do, you know? “Ohmigod this DKNY jacket is so last year! I know! I’ll give it to some homeless person! I mean, not in person obviously, because I don’t want to get scabies from those freaks, but I’ll throw it in a box at some benefit or something. Look at me! I’m such a good person! I should buy myself something. Like an island.”

Plus, Olivia, the homeless are sooooo passe. It’s all about breast cancer now. Screw the damn homeless and buy some pink cupcakes for the Susan G. Komen foundation. Brooke Shields is going to be there, Olivia says, and Whitney runs around the room trying to catch the name Olivia just dropped. Long story short (too late), Olivia got Tamarama a gig at the benefit cuz the other band fell through. Whitney looks at Olivia as if to say, “You are a crazy psycho Jay-obsessed weirdo, but thanks. I guess.”

Jay’s hair has dragged Jay’s body over to Whit’s ugly couch, where Whit breaks the news about the benefit concert. After some not-subtle-at-all Aussie sarcasm, Jay agrees to do it.

Can I bring my hair?

Erin meets J.R. at Antique Garage, which I guess is a restaurant. Who comes up with these names? If I ever own a restaurant, I’m going to call it, “Eat Here. Or Don’t, I Don’t Care. Asshole.” J.R.’s all, “It’s freezing outside,” and I immediately say “shut the hell up,” because you don’t know cold until you’ve lived in Chicago, jerk. Call me when the high for the week is 2 degrees, J.R. Then we’ll talk freezing. J.R. is much less attractive than I initially thought, and the talk turns to Duncan: Does he know that J.R. and Erin are having dinner? Erin gives an unconvincing “uh-huh.” Erin! What’s up with your eye-liner?! The next evening (is it? I have no idea) Erin says that she’s going to stop over at J.R.’s bar (hells yeah! Free drinks!), and Samantha and Whit talk to her about Duncan. Whit gives some good advice about how she likes J.R. because he’s actually physically here in NYC unlike Canadian Duncan (who is probably spooning some unwashed emo boy right now. Just saying.) and that she should have fun and get some free drinks. Yay!

This girl needs a makeup friend.

At the charity event, everyone is dressed in black and drinking cosmos. Yeah, this is totally the kind of audience who will love Tamarama. The people in black dance somewhat ironically while Nevan pulls Olivia aside. Does anyone else get this weird, creepy, incestuous vibe from their relationship? I mean, I think it’s all Nevan, but still. Ick. Ick ick ick. Over at J.R.’s bar, Erin and Sam talk about how confused Erin is about Duncan/J.R. Yeah, I get it.

Back at the charity event, Nevan is being the most assholey he’s ever been, making asinine and completely unfunny comments about how Tamarama basically sucks. Olivia laughs, and it’s all just uncalled for. Olivia is such a damned idiot. She saw Tamarama in concert, she knew the kind of music they played, she knew what they looked like and what they wore, so why the hell did she think they would be the right band for this event? Also, she didn’t even ask them if they wanted to play and signed them up without their permission, so pretty much, it’s all her fault.

After the set, Jay goes over to Whit and is all, let’s get the hell away from this fucking place, and they take off. Jay says to keep “Bevan” the fuck away from him. Ha. I love that he doesn’t know Nevan’s real name. Olivia is pissed that he left without saying goodbye, and Nevan’s all, “what do you expect from the ‘plaid mafia’?” I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more. And as much as I dislike Olivia, it was rude of Jay to just leave. I mean, it is a charity event, after all. Also, where the hell is Brooke Shields, Olivia? I’m sure she wants to hear all about the Manolos you wore at your coming out hootenanny.

This is how they typed it, but she really said “ruuuuude-uh!”

In the less interesting story, which, for this show, is a tough call, Erin and J.R. go outside where Erin starts to cry because it’s an awkward situation and she doesn’t know what to do because of Canadian Duncan and how she doesn’t know what she wants. And then J.R. goes from full-on boner to completely flaccid in .5 seconds. He tells Erin to figure it out, and will they still hang out? I’m sure they’ll definitely sleep together again.

At DVF, Olivia asks Whit what she thought about last night. Whit stands up for herself and says it was “a stab in the back” for Olivia to stand in the back and hearing Nevan saying all that shit. Olivia says that she can’t control Nevan, and that he’s an “adult.” Ha! Ahahahahahaha! Olivia’s all, Jay could have put on a suit or whatever, and Whit’s all, did it not occur to you that he doesn’t usually do these type of things? Olivia says that that’s not the point, and Jay should have said thank you because she set it up (without asking!!) and the way he left reflected badly on her. You know what else reflects badly on you, Ollie? A mirror.

That’s all I have to say.

Whit says that he felt no one was paying attention, and that she feels Olivia “couldn’t have cared less.” Right on! Olivia blahs about how that’s “insecurity on his part,” and that “this is nor the time nor the place” to talk about stuff like this and “in the future let’s leave our work environment separate from our personal environment.” You. Brought. It. Up. Bitch!! This whole thing Olivia has of trying to act like an adult is sooooo tired. Don’t act like an adult, sweetie — BE one. Just saying. Psycho hose beast.

Next week: Duncan meets J.R.; Olivia wants Nevan to move out; and Adam wants the same thing from Jay. And what’s this? Jay might want to move in with Whitney?