The City: A Multipletude of Badness

Tonight on The Shitty: Jay tells Whit about his upcoming tour, which has bad repercussions; Whit completely outshines Olivia at a presentation. That’s it. Just two little plots this week.

I’m gonna miss that balcony.

Ugh, you guys, I’m so sorry about the lateness. Life threw me some lemons, and instead of making lemonade, I let them hit me in the face, and that citric acid burns like a mofo. Next week’s will be up earls, I swear. Let’s get goin’!

This is totally me right now.

At the Angelika movie theater, which totally doesn’t look like I thought it would, Jay and Adam stand in the lobby, eating popcorn. I’m assuming they’re there for the Truffaut retrospective, because I’m sure Adam is a huge fan. Truffaut, il est incroyable! Jay’s ready for Tamarama lama ding dong to go on tour, but he hasn’t told Whit about it yet. He wants it to work with her, but he’s on tour, and he wants “to be focused.” By the way, thatswhatshesaid? Your joke? “There’s an old joke that goes, “What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?” Answer: Homeless.”? H-I-to-the-LARious! Adam says that girls will be throwing panties at Jay and if he’s going on tour he needs to be a single dude or with someone who sticks by him. Well, yeah. Because those are pretty much everyone’s only two relationship options. Thanks, Adam. You are truly a sage.

You know what helps get me through the credits? Cocaine, yes, but also muting my computer when the credits play. “I’m Sorry Whit.” That’s today’s title. And you know who definitely won’t say that, like, ever? Olivia. We’re at DVF, where Alixe, whom I’m calling Betsy for the rest of this recap and show, by the way, talks about fashion week. Did anyone see that fashion show where the models wore dead Muppets? It was really sad and disturbing. And no one wore the Swedish Chef, which would have been awesome.

PR teams are arriving, and it’s time for them to give their “strategy” to them. Strategies like, “The models put on clothes backstage, and then they walk on the runway.” Tough! Emese (I spelled it wrong last week), whom I’m calling Missy for the rest of this recap and show, by the way, is there too. Olivia straightened her hair, and I have to say, she looks really nice like that. Maybe we could just have a picture of her in the corner of the screen instead of her actually being on the show? Just a suggestion. Also, I wonder what’s up with Nevan? Whit’s in charge of handbags and explaining them. Like, “These are bags that you hold in your hand. Or there’s a strap for your shoulder.” Tough! Olivia’s in charge of the handbag press or editorial or something. They have to give presentations. Whit and the other co-worker, Elizabeth (where the hell did she come from?) are unsure about it, but of course Olivia exudes (probably fake) confidence about the whole thing.

Ugh, Tamarama lama ding dong is rehearsing when Jay tells them to “take foive.” Pottsy (ugh) and Jay talk about their girlfriends and touring and staying focused. Except when it comes to harmonizing. Seriously, I’d go see them if they just played their instruments and no one sang. And if you paid for it.

Over at Felix restaurant, Whit sits alone, waiting for Jay, like she always does. Jay drinks a whiskey on the rocks in like .5 nanoseconds, and then says he has to talk to Whit. Jay tells her about the tour, but in a way that makes it seem like it was this all-of-a-sudden thing, all, I got a call, and basically they want us to go on tour for a long time. Then Whit asks him how long he’s known, and he says, “Before Miami.” What a stupid Vegemite head! The background noise is REALLY loud, and I hope someone got fired for that.

But who’ll make me cry?

Jay’s leaving in 5 days, and Whit doesn’t want to sit around and wait and wonder where his is and who he’s with. Jay’s all, “You don’t trust me?” Bitch, please — Bernie Madoff is more reliable than you. See what I did there? I inserted a topical comment. Did it work? No, it did not. Whit’s says nothing, then asks why Jay couldn’t be honest with it from the “beginnink?” Jay says he’s not going to not go on tour just because Whitney’s pissed, and then throws one of the majorest, most uncalled-for hissies that I’ve ever seen in my life, saying that Whitney would have acted the same if he’d told her earlier and . . . basically Jay is just a big-ass baby right now. Whit says she can’t force him to be honest with her, says he needs to find somewhere else to stay tonight, and then gets up to leave, and then says this: “Maybe you should call Danielle.” Ooooh, no she di-int! But she did, and it is awesome. Buuuurrrrrnnnn.

At Whit’s apartment, Whit tells Erin about what went down at Felix. Erin’s obviously been to the Santa Fe County Fair, where she haggled over the price of her earrings at the 4H booth. Seriously, those things are totally fug. Whit goes on to say that she’s given a lot to Jay, and he hasn’t really returned it. Erin tells Whit that her feelings are completely legit, which is true. Whit talks about Jay’s partying and Danielle, and how she doesn’t know if he really likes her or not. She says she’s drowning, and Erin says she deserves better. Which is true. Whit goes on to say that she needs to take some control. It may just be me, but all Whit’s talk sounds like it’s coming from someone who’s decided to break up with someone. And she should.

I totally wanna go to a casino right now and I don’t know why.

Back at DVF, Whit tells Olivia that they should say why those chose those bags to represent the fall collection, and they should go over the “pros” of each bag and why they would appeal to everyone. At first, Olivia pays no attention to her and takes pictures of the bags, but then they begin brainstorming. Well, it’s not really a storm. Or a shower. Or a drizzle. The girls get nowhere.

At Fig & Olive, the gals gather SATC-style again for drinks. Whit fills Allie and Sam on what went down with Jay. Whit and Jay haven’t spoken since the fight and Whit reminisces about the first night she met Jay and how they made out in public and it was amazing. Erin’s all, maybe it was just New York and the excitement of that. Which is true. People need a friend who says things like that, and in my life, that friend is me. Picture it — a Chicago bar in Ukranian Village, Tuesday night:

My friend Amy: I think that bartender was totally into me! He only charged me $4 for my drinks!

Me: Well, P.B.R.’s on special tonight. For $2 each, and you got two.

My friend Amy: I got a coke, too . . .

Me: Coke is always free when you buy a drink.

END SCENE

Wow, I’m kind of an asshole. Erin goes on to say that Whit needs to be single in NYC. Sam says it’s so much fun, and someone, Erin I think, seriously says, “It should be illegal,” which is pretty much the lamest, dumbest thing she’s ever said on the show. Whit says she needs to talk to Jay.

Back at DVF, it’s time for the presentation and Whit’s nervous. Olivia tells her to just “think of it as a project we have to do, and there’s just a lot of people.” In other words, a PRESENTATION. Damn, Olivia.

Totally easy! Just open your mouth and talk! …

Over in Pretention Room B, Betsy welcomes everyone and turns things over to Olivia and Whitney, who start talking while sitting at the table. I thought this thing was important enough to warrant standing, and maybe some walking, but I guess that’s why I’m not in fashion. Whitney sounds really boring but really professional and prepared. Olivia on the other hand . . . yeowza. She says things like “multipletude,” and “as global . . . globally it has relevance.” It’s actually kind of painful to watch. But only kind of.

HUH?

At Whit’s place, Jay comes in to sit on Whit’s ugly couch and talk about things and stuff and junk. Whit says that they have to work on things, but she’s not willing to give up. Jay says he feels like he’s constantly doing something wrong. Um, probably because you are? Nice hair, though.

He wonders if he’ll call her on the phone when he’s on tour and they’ll just fight about the same shit over and over. Whit’s all, don’t be angry, “you have this tone in your voice.” And, that really doesn’t help. At all. Jay says that Whit has the problems most of the time, and Whit counters with the fact that she doesn’t think he listens to her. Which Jay, of course, thinks is ridiculous, and then says, “I think you just have to be a little bit stronger.” Douche! Whit says that she can’t be with someone who thinks she’s a burden, and Jay says, “I just want to be focused and on my way.” Whit wonders what that means, and Jay starts tearing up and says that he needs to be single. Whit says, “Basically I just don’t mean enough to you to make it work at this point.” Wow, wise much? Jay leaves, and Whit’s all, so you’re just going to walk out. Well, he can’t fly, Whitney, so that’s pretty much his only option. Whitney sheds a tear or two, and then that’s it. And so ends the romance of Whitney and Jay.

Allergies.

Next week: What? It’s the last episode already! Just when I was starting to sort-of like this show, kind of. Maybe. Whit questions her decision of moving to The City — while she’s on the phone with Lauren! Oh, sorry, “on the phone” with Lauren. Adam and Erin get into it about Allie, and Adam tries to rekindle things with her. DVF herself gives Whit greeting card advice, and Jay and Whit have some parting words for each other.