The City: Cutrone Giveth, and Cutrone Bitch Slapeth Away

This week on The Shitty: Olivia has to buy black market knock-off handbags like some disgusting regular person; Roxy pisses off The Beast in Black – Kelly Cutrone; and Whitney has apparently been downgraded to supporting actress.

Hey, who Dana Delaney’ed Whit?!?!

You guys, please forgive this recap. I’m not really feeling that well, so the snark level is going to be low. I’m ever so sorry. But let’s get things underway.

Erin walks into Joe Zee’s office to talk about last week’s Today Show segment, telling him that although it went well, Olivia didn’t pull enough clothes and then rode her Huffy bike all the way down to Madison Ave. Joe asks, “Do you think she doesn’t respect authority?” Um, yeah. “Do you think she doesn’t want to, sort of, be criticized?” Um, hell yeah. “Or do you think she just doesn’t understand what’s going on?” Hells to the yeah, Joe.

Because Erin is intelligent and business-minded, she says, “Yes, yes, yes.” Loving. Erin. So much. I just want to like, go shopping with her and then maybe catch a matinee of a silly rom-com and then go somewhere to get chicken caesar salads. And then maybe we’ll be like, “Hey, let’s get some martinis!” And then we get drunk and bitch about how much Olivia sucks. Erin explains about what happened and when Joe is like, I’m sure you didn’t provoke her, Erin’s like, “I got two words out before she freaked out! She’s not a nice person, Joe.” Truer words were never spoken, my friend. Joe says (in an obvious post-recorded ADR), “Erin, it’s your job to make it work.” Pussycat Dolls crappy song credits.

Hey piss off! Stylista BLEW! YOU MAKE IT WORK, QUEEN!

Over at People’s Revolution, it’s Roxy’s first day and Whit tells her that there’s a photo shoot and some model dropped out or something. People at the office seem to be really into their Macs, trying desperately hard to ignore the cameras and just get their shit done already! Whit says that everyone sort of keeps to themselves at the office, and then goes on to say that the job is intimidating and Kelly is on your ass, and Roxy’s like, Oh I get Kelly; I’m not afraid of her; and I can see through her. No, you can’t, because she always wears black.

The photographer of the shoot says that they’ll need pins for some jeans (this doesn’t sound important at all, but trust me, it’ll be a MAJOR plot point later on). Kelly’s making Roxy drive her car over to the photo shoot. Nice. Oh, but Roxy’s not worried about driving in New York, because her self esteem is more inflated than all the balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Now, I don’t like Roxy, but I actually don’t think it’s a big deal either. I’ve driven in Chicago, which is like New York’s cheap, slutty, morally corrupt younger sister, and it’s pretty easy. Cars and taxis are fine, but the pedestrians? Oy. And don’t EVEN get me started on people on bikes. Share the road, mutha fuckas!

Get off the road, skank!

Kelly tells her not to fuck up her car because she pays $600 a month for parking. Well, that’s completely reasonable and worthwhile. Whit didn’t know she had a car, and Kelly’s like, “It’s a Ford, so I don’t get carjacked in a Range Rover.” The City: Brought to you by Ford vehicles – the cars no one wants to steal. I’m sure MTV totally didn’t buy a Ford car for Kelly specifically for this episode. And I’m sure it wasn’t completely bitchy and wrong of Kelly to ask someone to drive her car on the first day on the job. In New York City.

After like 20 seconds of stock traffic footage, we’re back at Elle, where they’re having a staff meeting. I believe at Elle, instead of having Dunkin Donuts, they set a box of Kleenex in the middle of the table and tell everyone to go nuts. And probably every girl is like, “Oh my god, I’m so bad! I just ate a travel-size bag of facial tissue on the subway this morning! But these are really tasty, what are they, Puffs Plus?”

Joe tells the ladies that the personal style issue is coming out, and Victoria Beckham has something to do with it, so watch out! For fashion tips, of course. Olivia says she just got an email this morning about a vintage store and Joe says that vintage stuff is hard because it’s usually one of a kind, and although that might appeal to Victoria, it wouldn’t to a reader because then they can’t go to a store and find that dress or purse or whatever. Makes sense to me.

Erin booked something on a television morning show about real vs. fake. And no, it’s not about Adam DiVello produced reality shows. It’s about fashion fakes. And no, I don’t mean Olivia. I mean like that Gucci bag you bought in Mexico for $15 that turned out to be made out of rat fur and chihuahua hide. Joe says that the show is about how you think you’re buying a cheaper version of something real, but “ultimately, you’re contributing to a crime.” You guys, this is so true. Every time you buy a knock-off Prada dress, Patrizia Bertelli has to settle for Cristal instead of Verve Clicquot during dinner. “A crime?” Girl, please. Joe wants Olivia to handle it, and Erin says they just want a lot of accessories, a lot of colors, and “this time, more is better.” I’m assuming she’s talking about accessories, and not hissy fits, in which case less is better.

But this show is a rip off, and it’s way cheaper than the original. CALL THE COPPAS!

Roxy and Whit are in Kelly’s car, driving around the city. It’s uneventful, really, but what pisses me off is some lame girl group is sampling The Cure in some lame-ass song that’s playing over this scene. They arrive a tiny bit late, but they forgot the clips. Yeah, I told you that would be MAJOR but it’s not really that big of a deal. So I lied. Just for the hell of it. Apparently they find other clips or rubber bands or something, and Whit is put in charge of holding the light reflector thing. Wow. I don’t want to say her job is easy, but . . . I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.

Roxy picks out a cream colored shirt thing for the model. Kelly thinks the model is really boring and not moving enough, but I just think she doesn’t know how to smize (Smize is a registered trademark of Tyra Banks, Inc., and as such lends itself to complete and total ridicule). Roxy’s like, This isn’t edgy enough, it’s a jean shoot so why is she wearing a baggy shirt? Uh, you picked it out or pulled it or whatever, dumbass! Whit tells her to ask Kelly before saying anything because she shouldn’t step on toes. Which Roxy totally doesn’t. She just tells the photographer that it would be sexy and show off the jeans if the model takes her top off, and he’s all about the jeans and agrees that it’s a good idea.

Kelly’s like, “What’s a good idea?” And when the photographer tells her, she asks Roxy if that was her idea, and when Roxy says it was, Kelly’s like, Next time talk to me first instead of my client, but yeah, that’s a good idea. Whit says the jeans fit perfectly, and Kelly goes, “You’re just saying that because you forgot the clips, Whitney.” Ha. I think she’s poking fun at Whitney and doesn’t mean it seriously. But it’s Kelly, and her mouth is like a slot machine — you don’t know whether you’re getting cherries or two lemons and a banana.

I hope one day you are lucky enough to have babies. So I can eat them.

Back at Elle, Joe tells Olivia to go to Canal St. to get a shit ton of fake handbags and accessories for the morning show thing. Olivia’s like, Uh the cops keep shutting that stuff down. And Joe’s like, Uh just do what I told you to do. Erin tells Olivia to call her if she needs anything, and then she’s off.

And we’re at Bergdorf Goodman. Oh, god, this is going to be about Whitney’s fashion line, isn’t it. Oy. Or, maybe not, I guess she’s just there to see her friend Samantha and she proceeds to tell her about what happened with Roxy at the photo shoot, and says that she thinks Roxy still sees her as “this little girl who lets people walk all over her.” Oh, Whitney, honey, I hate to say it, but we all kind of see you as that. See? Even I just walked all over you! Kind of. Whitney says she need to make sure she shows Roxy that she’s not like that any more.

Now make me lunch, k?

We’re supposed to believe that Olivia has taken the subway to Canal St., but we all know that her driver just parked down the block and then MTV filmed her walking up the stairs. She’s looking for bargains, and some dude in a yellow leather jacket that says “Konvict” on the back and a scarf sings a song about Fendi and Prada and Gucci, and Olivia’s interest is piqued. He has this, like, mini-catalog of stuff, and Olivia points out what she wants, and then he goes somewhere and returns with the bags. Olivia acts like he’s handing her a condom full of heroin that he just pulled out of his ass, acting all shifty and stuff, looking around for the fuzz. But she’s satisfied. How cool would it have been to see Olivia get arrested? Pretty cool.

Back at People’s Revolution, Tim the intern asks Roxy and Whit how the shoot went, and they say it went okay. Whit says that Kelly might be concerned about Roxy because while Kelly probably liked that Roxy showed initiative, sometimes she likes to have “that leadership role.” Who, Kelly Cutrone? No, I don’t believe that!

Wha’s up with all these really short scenes? Anyway, we’re back at Elle, where Olivia has laid all her stuff out for Erin to see. Erin says the bags are great, but they need more watches and sunglasses and stuff. Joe comes in and says that he loves the bags, but he’s concerned about the lack of accessories. Joe and Erin walk down the hall West Wing style, and Erin says that the segment has to be changed to just handbags only and can’t include accessories because there weren’t enough accessories. Accessories! Joe says that that’s fine, but Erin’s still concerned that Olivia’s half-assing everything. Hey, whatever happened to Nevan? Did he have to go to jail for his little hooker/OxyContin fiasco?

Kelly runs into People’s Revolution and asks some underling to charge her cell phone for her and then doesn’t say thank you. I sort of like Kelly, but I’d much rather be her friend than her co-worker. Well, maybe not. Kelly tells Roxy and Whit that the shoot went well, other than the model being a bore. Roxy, much like a cocker spaniel, needs to be reassured and coddled, so she says that at least the model opened up after she took her shirt off. Good girl! Who wants a treat?! So Kelly compliments her on taking initiative . . . but Kelly goes on to say, “I’ve been doing this 22 years and you’ve been doing this, like, 5 minutes. So, when I’m on a set, respect my authority.” What is she, Cartman now? — “When I ask you guys to bring stuff to the shoot, it’s no joke, it was embarrassing for me not to have those clips up there, especially when the model couldn’t model and if we’d had those clips we could have gotten a better fit on the jeans. The stuff with the model that you did” — this is to Roxy — “fantastic, but I am Mama Wolf, this is my company. You do not go up to my client and make suggestions when I’m on a shoot. In the future, pass things by me. All right? Call me when the photos get in.” Cutrone giveth, and Cutrone bitch slapeth away.

Respect my authoritaay!

Next week: Whit shows her designs to Kelly, who tells her not to show them to anyone else, but then Roxy tells her to show them to Samantha’s boss at Bergdorf. Kelly not happy. Erin and Joe argue about Olivia some more and Joe’s like, “Maybe her future’s not at Elle.” Duhn duhn duuuuuuhhhhhn!