The City: Different Town, Same Meh

This time on The Shitty: The gang heads to Miami, where Jay runs into an ex, causing tension (mild tension) with Whitney; Allie acts unstable like always and she and Adam come to an impasse; and Olivia isn’t in this episode at all! Mwahahahahaha!

Kiss!

All right, kids. I’ve got my Cascabel energy drink (it tastes like grape Nerds! And it says, “Drink if you dare!” on the can!) and my pinot grigio, so I’m super-ready for this recap of The Shitty.

Allie and Erin are at . . . some place . . . where Erin says she’s excited to go to Miami for the weekend. Yeah, me too! Oh, that’s right, I’m not going anywhere. Okay, MAYBE a matinee on Sunday. We’ll see. Allie, who is apparently not excited about anything from the vacant stare on her face, can’t go because she has a photo shoot with some hot model dude. Alright, let’s get this out of the way: Some of you see warning signs of a.) an eating disorder, b.) drug abuse, or c.) all of the above. Since I have no experience with either a, b, or c, I can’t say. But I will say this: Home-girl don’t look so good today.

Stop talking. I handed you the ugly stick. Get them straight.

Maybe she’s just super-tired, but wow. I’ve seen more energy in roadkill than in Allie right now. Erin asks if Adam gets jealous, and Allie says that he does, but basically eff him. Then Allie says that Adam and Jay get crazy in Miami, and Erin’s all, uh-oh, are you cool with that?, implying that Adam might do something with some other girl when they’re in Miami. Allie says she trusts him, then does this sort-of cute eye movement to imply that she really doesn’t. And you know what? She shouldn’t. But no, you guys, she totally does! Ugh, when is that Cascabel going to kick in?

I am so sick of this theme song. This ep is called “The Past Catches Up.” Catches up with what? The future, that’s what. Or the present. Or the . . . wait. I don’t know. Apparently, the producers think that we only needed those 2 minutes with Allie and Erin discussing Miami before they violently hurl us across the eastern seaboard, because when the episode starts we’re already in South Beach. What, no packing montage? Whatevs. Welcome to Miami.

Thank god this show isn’t on 10 years ago, because you know they’d totally play that crappy Will Smith song about goin’ to Miami (welcome to Miami), and something about partying til the break of dawn. And you’re so welcome for getting that crap stuck in your head. The gang pulls up to The Fontaineblah hotel in some S.U.V. and . . . What the hell does Erin’s t-shirt say? “I Ate Wham?” I don’t know. Also, the people at The City think now is the appropriate time to introduce us (by caption) to . . . damn . . . “Pottsy,” Jay’s bandmate, and his girlfriend Jess. “Pottsy?” We see some girl’s random ass, and then we’re off to the beach, where Erin talks to some albino girl about . . . What’s that? Oh. Oh, I see. The albino girl is actually Whitney. Poor kid, stuck in the city without sunlight for so long. One word, Whitney: Tancun. I’m sure there’s one somewhere in the city. Oh, I guess Jess is Australian. Is everyone in Jay’s band Australian? They talk about Jay and moving in.

Nickname: Flushsy

Meanwhile, over at the homoerotic pool, Jay asks if it’s time for a flex-off. Looks like Judah Friedlander’s brother has joined then. And everyone’s wearing sunglasses in the pool, which is a pet peeve of mine. By the pool? Sure. In the pool? Lame. Talk soon turns to Jay moving in with Whit, which Jay turns into Adam getting his puss-on last week and making him move out. Jay then makes some thinly-veiled comment about Adam cheating on Allie. I don’t think it’s going to happen, actually. Or rather, I’m sure it will happen, but we won’t see it onscreen.

Back to the girls lounging pool-side, where Whit blahs about how last time Jay was in Miami, he met Danielle. Remember Danielle? We haven’t seen her, but in episode one, she was the one Jay said he’d call to prove that he wasn’t with her. Ooh, Danielle lives in Miami. Apparently, according to some other girl (is it Sam? I don’t know), she was “psycho” about Jay.

Wait, why is the camera back on New York? Oh, right. Allie. She’s with the male model, and I think I weigh more than the two of them put together. Is it just me or does Allie have zero chemistry with this dude? And where’s Jay Manuel? I want him to say, “Five frames left, Allie, you gotta push it! Show me that fierceness! Eh . . . Fine. You’re done.” And then when she leaves he can be all, “I don’t know what was wrong with Allie today, but she did not bring it. Her lack of confidence is going to show in panel, and her frames? Not great. She may be going home tonight.” And then Allie gets voted off and she cries as she’s packing her bags, all, “This is my dream. You haven’t seen the last of me!” And then we never see her again. Except maybe once on The Tyra Banks Show.

Hold on we’re gonna need a caulk gun.

Wow, sorry — I got into a serious thing there. During a break, the male model asks Allie out for a beer (chuh! Too many carbs, dumbass!) or a Snapple. Hee, kind of. Man, he looks like an asshole. Anyway, he says something about trying to be a gentleman, but Allie’s all, “Try, but fail?” His reply, “Sometimes.” Oh, the witty banter of the NYC modeling scene!

Back in South Beach, the gang goes out to a club, called “Liv,” which is seriously owned by Liv Tyler. I know what you’re saying, but I completely looked that up and it’s 100% true. Okay, no, I didn’t, I lied about the whole Liv Tyler thing. But for a second, you were all, “Whaaaaa?!” right? The camera keeps panning to big boobs and stuff, and honestly, I don’t know why, given the demographic of this show is straight women and gay dudes. Danielle is at the club. Is anyone surprised? I mean, South Beach DOES only have one club. I will say this, Danielle does look kind of psycho. And also? Underdressed. Come on, a t-shirt with an American flag heart? What is this, Iowa? Jay gives her a hug, and neither of them look surprised, because it’s the fourth take. Jay goes on to say that he was put in an awkward position (donkey punch? Dirty sanchez?) by her in regards to his relationship with Whit. Erin an Whitney are all, wow, you can’t even get away from exes, what a small world, and did Jay know that Danielle would be here? Seriously, you guys?

At least you know now that your ankles can reach your ears.

Danielle goes up to Whit and introduces herself, and Whitney calls her a big fat skank-ass bitch, grabs her hair, throws her across the room, smashes a beer bottle on a table, and holds the broken bottle up to Danielle’s face, yelling, “I’m-a cut you! I’m-a cut your face, bitch!” How awesome would that have been? Here’s what really went “down:” Danielle apologizes for “all the drama” she caused (how much drama did she cause, because I didn’t see much. At all.), and says she wasn’t even supposed to hang out with Jay or something, they just ended up talking for awhile. Whit doesn’t really accept this, and Danielle walks away. THEN, Jay comes up and is all, “I didn’t lie, I didn’t do anything wrong. At the end of the day, nothing ever happened between me and her.” And Whit says, “If you need to justify that for yourself, that’s fine.” Jay: “The most important thing is, you trust me. And I know you trust me.” Whit: “But you know what? If you really didn’t do anything wrong, no matter what anybody was saying, then you wouldn’t care in the first place. You know what I mean?” Ooh, burn! Wait, what? I don’t know.

Erin calls Allie back in NYC, all, “Adam certainly seems to have a good time.” Ugh, shit-stirrer! Shit-stirrer! Erin says Adam is surrounded by girls. They’re at a club for pete’s sakes! Allie pouts, or rather, Allie looks like she always does because she she either has only one facial expression or is pouting all the time. I could go either way with this one, guys. Bolstered by the news that Adam may be getting a raging case of herpes at the club, Allie decides to take Douchey McModel up on his offer for a beer or a Snapple. Douchey asks what made her change her mind, and Allie replies, “Monday, I guess.” Wait. She says, “Mung dee, I guess.” Wait. “Long day, I guess.” That’s what it is. It took me three rewinds to get that.

Let’s go have a picnic outside the PETA headquarters.

The gang’s back in The City, and over at Whit’s apt, Jay apologizes again for the Danielle thing, and Whit’s all, it was weird that she was there, “How did she know?” Um, seriously? How many years were you on The Hills, sweetie? Oy vey. Jay says he really didn’t care that she was there because there’s nothing between them, and Whit tells Jay that he didn’t need to go overboard in justifying himself. Or his love. Wanting. Waiting. Needing. For Jay, to justify his love, his love. Whit has cute earrings on. She adds that when people justify, it means that they’re covering something up, while Jay counters that it means that they want to put something behind them. Whitney says that the whole conversation is making her nauseous, and Jay AGAIN says it all comes down to trust. Whit says that she trusts him, but she just doesn’t want to be played for a fool. Nice, Whit. And I actually mean that. There’s no sarcasm there. Oh, maybe a teeny bit.

Whit: I say potato.

Jay: Me too because…

Whit: There you go again. Do you say potato or not? STOP LYING!

At Bergdorf Goodman, where cookies are shaped like purses and shoes (barf), Erin meets Sam for lunch. Sam asks how Miami was, so I guess she wasn’t that girl by the pool. Erin says that there was “Adam, and 15 sets of tits right behind him,” rubbing up on him. Ha! Erin’s awesome. They discuss how Allie may listen to them eventually and realize that Adam’s a choad.

Adam shows up for dinner with Allie with flowers. Nothing says I’m sorry for that secret threeway in South Beach like 4 crappy roses. Adam says Miami was good, and Allie brings up Erin’s phone call, and Adam’s all, why are you listening to Erin, she has 3 boyfriends. Well, that’s kind of a good point, actually. Damn, I hate that I had to say that. Anyway, Allie shoves the Douchey McModel thing in his face, about how he’s sooooo into her, and after the call from Erin, she decided to get a drink with him, and then she and Adam fight. Wow, is Allie wearing Duncan Hines Double Whipped Chocolate Frosting for eye shadow? That stuff is piled on! Ugh, Allie starts crying. Between Allie and Olivia, this show is practically an after-school special about passive-aggressiveness. And THEN, Allie’s all, I should get my own place. What?! After last freaking week when you made Jay move out?! Psycho. Adam leaves. Weepy Dar Williams-style song plays. For a really long time. Seriously, like 40 seconds.

Then her alien eyes turned black and she lost a nostril.

At some boutique, Whit talks to Jess about Jay. Whit asks Jess to spill the beans about Jay. Jess says he has a temper, and is “untrustworthy at times,” and when Whit asks her to elaborate on that last one, Jess says that sometimes you just don’t know if he’s telling the truth. Well, glad you cleared that one up, Jess. Jess closes it out by saying that “there’s always something with Jay.” Really? He kind of seems like he’s on the up-and-up to me, but whatevs, Aussie Gap Teeth.

There is such a thing as over-flossing.

Next Week: A photo shoot with Jessica Alba, and Olivia takes credit for Whitney’s work. More is revealed about Jay’s relationship with Olivia. I drink a lot to get through the recap.