The City: Don’t You Dare Call It Season 2!

Tonight on The Shitty: Whitney has a new (and yet old) friend who may or may not be just in it for the attention; Olivia gets a job at Elle and throws a patented Fly Off the Handle Olivia Hissy Fit on her first day; Whit decides to start her own fashion line; and Jay, Erin from last year, and Adam are out.

Wasn’t this guy on Stylista? And doesn’t that mean he should be banned from ever being on TV again? No. No it does not.

For some reason, MTV is calling this series of episodes the 2nd part of the 1st season of The City. Yes, regardless of the fact that there has been a span of six months between the previous episode and tonight’s premiere, we’re still in the first season. How’s that for depressing? So here’s what happened on the first part of season one. Half a year ago.

And also what’s going on now: Whitney moved to NYC and it was the “craziest time” of her life. Whit dated Jay and then they broke up and she’s now working part-time for Kelly Cutrone at People’s Revolution and is also *sigh* working on her own line. Maybe she should take some advice from Lauren Conrad! And, then again, maybe not. Man, I sure hope Whitney can survive just working part-time. I mean, that combined with her $80,000 per episode (or whatever) is really just harsh. Well, I guess the recession is hitting everybody. Speaking of hitting someone, Olivia is now working for Elle. And MTV, er, sorry, I mean WHITNEY got a new apartment. And with that, let’s jump right in.

I’m ready for lunch. Bring me some baby souls stat and hold the pepperoncini.

Some chick named Roxy Olin, who I can tell oozes certifiably insane amounts of self-esteem just by the way she carries herself, has come to see Kelly Cutrone. Didn’t she used to work with Rachel Zoe?, Kelly asks. Why yes, she did, but she had to “quit” because it was so “unorganized” and she “can’t work like that.” Roxy says she left L.A. because she was the only one who wore all black and she didn’t get along with girls and L.A. is “bullshit.” She actually says “bullshit.” In an interview. And Kelly doesn’t say anything. I’m sorry, but that’s really unprofessional. Hey, what am I doing — I’m acting like Roxy doesn’t already have the job the MTV made Kelly Cutrone give her!

Good god, Kelly asks for her birthday and then talks about her zodiac sign. Roxy went to high school with Whit and pretty much calls Whit a goody-two-shoes Marcia Brady. Which, granted, she kind of is, but still. Roxy says people call her a bitch but she’s really just straight-forward. Which is a thing bitches say to make them sound like they aren’t bitches, when really, they totally know that they are. Do we already hate Roxy? Yes. Yes we kind of do. Credits with that stupid Pussycat Dolls song! Dammit! I hate this song! At least it’s shorter this season. Er, this half of season . . . oh, forget it.

LA has too much sun and her makeup kept melting off. Just be honest!

Speaking of hate, Olivia walks down the street to the Elle magazine building. Joe Zee tells her in a meeting that there’s a position open in the accessories department. And, you know, instead of interviewing qualified people with M.F.A. degrees in fashion and a ton of experience who would actually kill for the job since they’ve been unemployed for six months, he’s going to go ahead and hire Olivia.

Joe wants Olivia to meet Erin Kaplan who is in publicity, so he calls her in. Joe tells Erin that Olivia’s been hired for the position and Erin looks at Olivia as if to say, “Well, well, well. Look what skank MTV bedazzled and dragged in here. There’s no way you can handle this, beyotch.” Based on that look, I’m gonna say that I love Erin. I hope she fashion-pwns Olivia. Multiple times.

Possible new hero.

Joe Zee again reiterates how much Erin contributes to Elle, and Erin asks what Olivia did at DVF. Oh, you mean besides never working and talking down to people like they’re pre-schoolers and then taking credit for somebody else’s work? Yeah, not a damn thing. Also, Olivia says she worked for Quest(?) magazine or something. Or maybe it’s Qwest magazine, the bi-monthly magazine of the telephone company. Fascinating. Anyway, Erin? Hates Olivia. Sweet. After Olivia leaves, Erin basically tells Joe that Olivia is not qualified for the position and won’t be able to handle it. Joe says Olivia has “a good eye.” By which he means, “MTV gave me a good check.” Erin says she’s worried that Olivia will pull some entitled rich girl attitude crap, but if she can get over it, then Erin’s game. Oh, that will totally happen!

Wasn’t there some blonde girl . . . sometimes when she spoke it sounded like she needed to pop a Claritin or two . . . she used to be on another “reality show” on MTV but left it . . . for this one . . .? What was her name? Judy? Belinda? Oh yeah, Whitney! Right, right. Six minutes and 33 seconds into this bitch and we finally get to see Whitney, who is of course dining al fresco, since this is an Adam DiVello production and meals can only be eaten outside. Roxy shows up and they hug and junk. Roxy blahs about being single and how the men in NYC are tall and how men in L.A. are all dwarfs. Dwarves? Dwarfs. Whit’s all, you need to find a place to stay, and Roxy’s all, I need a couch to crash on, can I live with you? And Whit’s all of course, and none of it seems rehearsed or forced or set up ahead of time or like the 10th take of this scene. At all.

Alright let’s do it again, this time with less hair twirling and, well, crazy face. Keep your mouth closed. It’s a good general rule, k?

Back at Elle magazine, Erin tells Olivia that she needs her help with a Today Show segment. A couple times a year they do this thing at Elle where they mix and match really expensive items with really cheap ones. Erin gives the example of a $3,000 watch with a $9 Hanes t-shirt. Oooh, or how about a pair of $4,000 Manolo Blahniks with a leopard print Snuggie and a 50 cent slap bracelet! So, Erin pitched the idea for the Today Show and they went for it, so Olivia needs to pull some stuff (keeping in mind the pricey/cheap theme) for a pool party outfit (keeping it under $25) and an office wear outfit (keeping it under $75). Considering Olivia pays $75 a night for her sushi takeout, I’m thinking this might be a challenge for her. Man, I hope it is.

Poor people are gross.

Over at Whit’s new apartment, Roxy makes fun of Whitney’s style and apartment, which I actually like. While Whitney’s apartment says, “Hey, come on in. No, don’t worry about taking your shoes off, we’re not pretentious over here. Would you like some lemonade? Or a beer? Ooh, we can make shandies, do you want a shandy?!” Roxy’s apartment would say, “Um, what the fuck are you doing here? Do you think you belong here? Because you don’t. Now take off your pants and shut up.”

Roxy wants to throw a party, but the thing is that they can’t play loud music or anything past 11, cuz Whit did that once and got a letter from the “board of directors.” I think she means tenant committee, or landlord/agency, but whatever. I’m totally sure Roxy will abide by that rule because she seems like the kind of girl who puts others before herself . . . when she pushes them in front of a crosstown bus.

Your new bed will be the bench in the park across the street, skank.

Annnnnddd we’re back at Elle, where Olivia is pulling stuff with Brynn, the accessories intern. Poor Brynn. I’m sure spending all day with Olivia was pretty brutal. Okay, so Olivia and Brynn pulled like 3 things total, and do they have different sizes? No. They do not. They apparently stayed in budget for the office wear, but not the pool party wear (they try to convince Erin that you can wear a scarf as a dress, but she doesn’t really go for it). Erin’s like, Um, so you think someone over age 25 and a size 8 would wear this to work? And Olivia’s like, Yeah if you add a cardigan. And Erin’s all, Yeah that’ll make it over $75. And Brynn’s all, Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . And THEN, Olivia’s like, ” . . . there’s really not a lot to choose from with our budget and what they have to select, so if you have a problem, you can go back and do it yourself.” Holy shit!

Erin is like, physically stunned that Olivia is flying off the handle and being such a bitch, and Erin looks like she wants to rip the silver spoon right out of Olivia’s ass and shove it down her throat. Erin’s like, “How many morning shows have you worked on?” Olivia says that she doesn’t need to work on a morning show, “that’s not my job.” God, she’s so dumb. Erin’s like “it IS your job to pull accessories if I ask you to. That was REALLY inappropriate. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever been spoken to like that.” And since Olivia’s solution to “winning” an argument is to walk away from it in a huff like some 7 year-old who got a brown pony instead of a white one SHE ASKED FOR(!) for her birthday, she does so. And Erin’s says, “Huh, shocking. Shocking. Shocking, Olivia, seriously.” Olivia: “You know, I don’t need to fight with you, that’s ridiculous.” Erin: “Well, maybe if you didn’t start it, it never would have happened. If you were capable of having a normal conversation, it would work.” Word to your mutha! Brynn’s left alone, all Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . .

It’s scary in here alone.

Back at People’s Revolution, Kelly is leaving for the evening and Whit tells her that she’s going to have a cocktail party at her apartment, and tells her that Roxy is living with her now. Kelly’s like, Oh shit, Whitney, what? Kelly says Roxy is very direct and asks Whit how much she trusts Roxy and then they talk about hiring her as if it wasn’t already a done deal back in June or something. Now here’s why I sometimes love Kelly C: She tells Whitney that at the end of the day, she hopes that Whitney’s friends treat her as nice as she treats them. Word, Cutrone. Sometimes it seems like Whitney has a doormat stapled to her back.

Back at Whit’s West Village apartment, there are already about 35 people at the party when Roxy decides to send a “mass text” to get some more guys over to the party. Oh, hey, Allie and Samantha from last season — ugh, sorry, the last HALF of THIS season — are at the party, but they don’t know anybody. Get a good look, people — Whit Whit’s got some new friends this year and these skanks are gonna be out faster than Crocs.

Whit gets to her apartment and is shocked (SHOCKED!) to see all these people at the party. Roxy says she “literally invited 5 people” and she “didn’t send out a mass text” or anything. Right, because she totally didn’t do that when she totally did one minute ago. Whit tells Roxy she got the job and Roxy makes a happy face and a happy sound, and it probably only took 5 takes to get it. Atta girl, Rox. Whitney is still really concerned about getting kicked out of her apartment. And you know what? She should be because there are cops outside the apartment. Whitney tells Roxy to deal with them. Damn, did MTV move Whitney into a convalescent home or something? What the hell kind of neighbor cares if someone’s having a party on a Friday or Saturday night? At least, I hope it’s a weekend. If it’s not, then maybe complaining isn’t entirely out of order. Anyway, Roxy speaks with the cops for two seconds and then announces that everyone has to leave the party. Oooh, boo, buzzkill! Well, that’s what happens when you live in Shady Pines. Shady Pines, Ma!

So sorry, Roxy! Don’t worry I’ll clean up. Do you need a massage? Or a wipe? Cuz you can use my face, k? Hope you’re comfie.

It’s time for the Today Show Elle thingy and someone pins that scarf on a girl as a halter. It doesn’t look bad, but still. It’s a freaking scarf. Olivia says to Erin, “This is a great segment, I think it’s a great idea.” Oh please. The only thing browner than your nose, Olivia, is your natural hair color. The hostess of the Today Show compliments the pool party outfit, which is good for Elle, but also sucky because Olivia picked it out. So Erin goes up to Anne, the fashion news director for Elle, and says that everything was good, but she wishes that she had more time with the pool party look. And Anne’s like, Well, you can’t pull what looks good on You (the universal You, not Erin herself), and asks who pulled the look. Erin says it was Olivia, and Anne’s like, She’s obviously thinking of herself and “What looks good on me?” which “does not an editor make.” Excellent. Olivia overhears this. Double excellent. Olivia leaves all in a bit of a huff, but don’t you worry kids — she’ll take out her anger and frustration on her driver and a poor sales attendant at Barney’s! Just the way it should be.

Don’t f this up Olivia! How many jobs can you wear shorts to work?

This “season” on The City: Roxy oversteps her bounds at People’s Revolution and Kelly is NOT impressed; Olivia and Erin butt heads (sweet) and Joe Zee is NOT impressed; Whitney works on her . . . fashion line . . . and Bergdorf Goodman may . . . buy them and I am NOT impressed. Huh. Whatevs.