The City: Give Whitney a Hug!

Tonight on The Shitty: Whit-Whit has a horrible week: first she gets screwed over by Olivia at work, then she doesn’t get screwed at all from Jay when she gets home, because Jay may or may not be screwing someone else, whose name rhymes with Banielle. That’s pretty much the ep, although Allie moves in with Erin or something. And also, Jay becomes a complete asshole.

So let’s get married.

At DVF, Whit and Olivia are called to the 5th floor, where they’re told by Alixe (that’s Betsy when she’s back in Ohio with her parents, eating tater tot casserole and shit-on-a-shingle). Apparently, someone named Joe is working on a cover shoot with Jessica Alba, and Olivia has worked with Joe and Jessica before. Which just sounds too crazy to be true. I mean, Olivia? Working? Here’s something else to blow your mind: Alixe puts Olivia in charge of like, pulling clothes, and showing Whitney the ropes. I know, right?! Plus, Whitney did this kind of thing on The Hills when she went to Paris to interview those debutante bitches, and that queeny bitch of a dude was all, maybe you should stick to styling or whatever. Rude! And then Lauren left her curling iron on her Parisian couture dress and burned it. This is why we can’t have nice things, LC! P.S. How awesome was that Hills season 5 trailer?!

Whit’s hair looks really stringy today, just like that girl in high school who loved horses. Come on, everyone knew that one girl who loved horses, like way too much. Perhaps you were that girl . . . Credits. Give me those bright lights, give me those long nights, give me . . . the remote.

Is my wig ok?

Tonight’s title: “Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me.” Or as George W. Bush put it, “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” Eloquent! Olivia and Whit are pulling clothes, and Olivia pulls some clothes that are beige, you know, to match her personality. Look, I know some of you (okay, 2 of you) like Olivia, and that’s fine, but I’m just gonna let you know: I never will. And if something comes along that changes my mind about her, I’ll buy you a beer. You like Natural Light, right?

Anyhoozlebees, Whitney wonders if it’s too much of one color, and then suggests they check the cover of last month’s mag to make sure they’re not using the same color scheme. Well played, Ms. Port. Well played. Whit pulls some flowery skirts and jackets, and Olivia is all, no, no way — that’s too much, and they’d never use it for the cover. Whitney puts them on the rack anyway, giving them 7 choices, but Olivia says that Alixe said 5 or 6, so one has to go. Really? I don’t think Alixe/Betsy was all hardcore about there being exactly 5 or 6, but whatev. Whitney is gung-ho about her choice of flowery stuff, which I think is fine. Olivia still thinks they’re fug, and puts “it” in there “JUST to give it a little color.” I don’t know if “it” referred to the whole ensemble or just one jacket or something.

Over at Erin’s apartment, Allie comes over to pout pout pout! I think Allie was the horse girl because her hair today? Horse-Girl Hair. Completely. Erin’s letting Allie stay with her while she looks for a place. Danger! Danger, Erin! Remember when she was only supposed to live with Jay and Alex for like, a week, and it turned into half a year or something? Plus, I bet Allie never re-fills the water filter pitcher and doesn’t rinse out her coffee cups.

Just one little thing. I keep this iv around just in case. If you see me passed out for more than ten hours at a time please poke it into my arm and FEED ME!

Over at Double Crown restaurant, Jay asks Whit if she’s been there before, and she hasn’t, but she’s seen something on the menu that Jay would like. Koala steak? Kangaroo testicles smothered in a Vegemite sauce? Jay asks about work and Olivia, and then Whit asks if Jay has started looking for a place, to which he replies that he’s called a few people. Dude, it’s called Craigslist. Where am I going with this? Jay is lazy and a squatter. Whit is all, yeeeaaahh, I said you could stay with me, but I’ve never lived with a guy before, and in this situation it was sort of forced and not a choice to do it, and I don’t want it to turn into something where you end up resenting me. Jay says he’s got it, but I really don’t think he does.

We’re back at DVF, where Emesse (Missy back in Nebraska when she’s home with her parents passive-aggressively eating pancakes for dinner) name drops Scarlet Johansson because the cameras are rolling. Whit and Olivia show up, and Missy and Betsy want to go over what the girls pulled for the Elle mag shoot with Jessica Alba. Betsy shows the cover, and wouldn’t you know it? Alba is wearing the jacket that Whitney picked out! Suck on that, Olivia! And from the looks of it, Olivia has been sucking . . . on a lemon, because her face? Pulled tighter than Star Jones’s stomach.

OK bad example.

Your dog died. You’re fired. You have two weeks to live. Hello? Hello?

But who pulled the clothes? Olivia says she pulled the jacket and Whit pulled the shirt. As Mrs. Broflovski would say, what what what?! Whit is kind of pissed, rightfully so. Olivia bullshits about how the outfit goes so well with the background, and Whitney says that there’s usually a lot of accessories on an Elle cover, but here the clothes speak for themselves. Yeah . . . I guess, Whitney. Betsy and Missy go on and on about it, and it’s so boring, and then Betsy blahs about how well Olivia did by spearheading the job. Whitney looks flabbergasted, and I think Missy sort of understands what’s going on. Maybe. Oh, and there’s going to be an Elle cover luncheon in their honor. Is it potluck? I hope Whitney brings her famous German potato salad!

Over at Rayuela, the gals meet SATC style for drinks (Sam, Allie, Erin, and Whit). Whit says she’s been inside avoiding the cold, and Sam goes, “My favorite thing to do in the cold is cut people off [in or from] taxis!” Erin’s all, “Ohmigod, who says that?!” And Sam’s all, “Olivia! ‘My favorite thing to do is . . .’” and Erin finishes her thought by saying, “‘being a bitch!’” Ha! Hahahaha! Whit fills them in on what went down for the Elle shoot. There are some funny facial expressions. She asks them whether or not she should bring it up to her bosses. Erin says hell yes (uh, no, sweetie), but Allie and Sam are sensible and say that Whit shouldn’t bring it up, but should be on guard from now on in regards to Olivia. And I swear, I never thought I’d use the words “Allie” and “sensible” in the same sentence.

Then things turn to Jay, and Erin is totally the Samantha Jones of the group, because she says that Jay better be trading sexual favors for his squatting. I heart Erin! Whit says Jay comes in at 5:30am and says there’s no passion, no excitement, no sex, and it’s wearing her down.

But over all I’m greeeeat!

Allie says he’s a rock star and lives a rock star life and Whit can’t change that, and that maybe she needs to evaluate the relationship. Wow, what’s up with Allie this week? Why is she being so rational? Did she eat carbs or something?

Over at Pink Elephant, a club in Chelsea, which aside from being the gayest named club in one of the gayest sections of NYC is actually not a gay club, Jay meets Adam for some drinks and what-not. Jay says something that is so asshole-y: “One thing about living with her, I don’t have to take her out as much!” What a freaking douche! There are seriously girls with pink panties and pink puffy pasties on their nips dancing around, and it’s kind of weird, gross, and sad at the same time. Oh, wow! Danielle is at the club! This is such a “coincidence!” Ugh. She’s in town for a couple days and doesn’t have anything to do, so Jay’s all, “Wanna get out of here?” Prick!

It’s time for the Elle luncheon, and Olivia talks to Alixe about the cover, and continues to take all the credit for the shoot. There’s not even the tiniest iota of mention of Whitney’s help, which just really sucks. I don’t know if Olivia’s a total bitch, or just subconsciously doesn’t even think about other people. Probably a little from column A and a little from column B. Whatever the case, I think her actions are heinous and all this makes her look like a really horrible person. Whit stands off in the corner and listens to all of this. DVF herself shows up and talks to people without looking at them because she’s eyeing the pigs-in-a-blanket that Betsy made, from her mother’s recipe. Joe Zee, the Elle cover shoot dude, hugs Olivia, and tries not to freeze to death from the vapor coming off Olivia’s icy-cold heart. Whitney comments on how great the pic is and the lighting and everything. Joe says he loves the outfit, and Olivia says, “I pulled that look!” You know what you pulled, Olivia. And it wasn’t no “look,” skank. Whitney looks really stressed out by the deception.

OMG where’s Whitney?

Over at Joe’s Ginger, which is a restaurant, Whit tells Jay about how Olivia pulled that shit, and how Olivia talks down to her and how she hates it. Since Jay has magically turned into an asshole since last week, he doesn’t say anything supportive and complains about how tired he is because he stayed out til 6am. What a great boyfriend! Whitney is all, dude, you live in the moment and don’t think of the consequences.

Some other morning, Whit meets Allie at a cute bakery/coffee shop, which actually seems affordable and like some place that you’d actually go to. Allie blahs about seeing apartments and how she was being walked on with Adam, which segues into how Adam told her how Jay was out with Danielle. Whit says that she knew that he was out late, but she didn’t know the details. Damn, poor Whit! Betrayed by Olivia, betrayed by Jay . . . so shitty. But she doesn’t cry, because Whit doesn’t cry. Wait! She is crying a little bit. Oh, Whitney! If I could hug you, I would! And then we’d go out for vodka shots and Irish car bombs. And then I’d throw up in the cab, and that would be the end of our friendship.

There’s medicine right behind you, Whit.

Next Week: Jay’s ready to go on tour, and they fight about it, because Jay’s known about it for like EVER, and JUST told her 5 days before he leaves. Whitney may have to put the smack down and deliver an ultimatum. Jay cries, and whaaa?! They break up?! Look’s like we’ll have to wait and see.

BONUS: I usually don’t watch the after-show (because it’s a recap. And since I recap the show, I don’t feel like I need to see another and inferior recap), but I saw that Olivia was giving her side of the story, so I couldn’t resist. So here’s my take (and it’s not that detailed). I hate the stupid comic-book style recap of the episode they have in the beginning. And who is this Dan, and why is he wearing a stocking cap and a freaking smoking jacket? Stupid. And it’s completely obvious the other girl host had a nose job. Screw it, I’m just fast-forwarding to the Olivia part. Here’s Olivia’s thoughts (she phoned in): “You know honestly, in all fairness, if you listen I did give Whitney the credit because we both pulled [the stuff for the shoot] together,” ” . . . I think Alixe and Emesse gave me the most credit because I was the point-person on the project, but you know, at the end of the day, I was just so happy with the cover overall, that it was such a huge accomplishment for DVF and the office, that I don’t think it really mattered really who was responsible for it. I think it was more a group effort.” Yeah, then why did you literally say, “I pulled that outfit!” and crap like that multiple times and never once mention Whitney, OR thank her for her help?! She says that there was a part that didn’t air in which she did give Whitney credit. Maybe, but probably not. At all. The co-hosts are skeptical. Olivia says that she and Whit aren’t competitive because they get different tasks based on their different skills. What, pray tell, are your skills and what are Whitney’s, asks Asshat Dan. Olivia says her skills are: “Editorial and sort of event planning,” and Whit is working on “completely separate stuff which you’ll see later for fashion week.” Olivia responds to Whit’s (and the public’s) perception that she treats Whitney as though she were a kindergartner, by saying: “I don’t think that’s a fair assessment,” because Whit’s been on a reality show a lot longer than she, and that she “feels bad if she’s given her the wrong impression.” First of all, that’s not an answer, it’s just a ramble that doesn’t really make any sense in the context of the question you were asked. Second of all, when does Olivia have feelings? Oh, slam, I totally went there! Nose Job Girl asks Olivia if she thinks Jay and Whit make a good couple. Olivia “tries not to comment on people’s private life.” Which is why she’s on a reality show. Guh? Ugh, I’m done with this. Verdict? Olivia is still completely boring, and her responses were boring, and she really did take credit for everything in this episode. Yeah, so discuss, people — and behave!