The City: If She Can Fake It Here…

****OSnapp has found a rich old man to run off with for the winter, and will be back for the next season of The Hills. Please welcome your gorgeous and talented City recapper. You may know him from his Desperate Housewives recaps here at the gasm, or his nude pictorials in Playgirl. Hypnotoad!

This week on The City: Whitney! New City! Big City! Fashion! New friends! Or enemies?! Very, very little drama!

But there is danger. Serious danger.

Whitney recaps basically what happened on The Hills, in her last episode over there. I don’t write those recaps; the lovely O. Snapp does. So read that funniness if you missed it. Whitney says a lot of things about “living the dream” and “big city” and “completely fake job.” Okay, I actually said that last one.

She introduces the characters, like “the Downtown Girl – Erin.” Billy Joel will never write a song about her. I’m sure she’s grateful for that. “Erin likes guys, like lots of guys.” Wow, what a really backhanded thing to say, Whitney. Lo would be so proud!

Why are you smiling? You were just called a whore on national television.

Then there’s the Downtown Guys, like Adam, “a model who does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.” Then we see a picture of Adam’s girlfriend crying (it’s like a preview of later in the season). Jerk! Then there’s the Uptown Crowd, like Olivia (Palermo, famous for . . . you know, wearing big sunglasses and buying crap like Berkin Bags). She calls herself a “social,” short for “socialite,” and then Whitney says this really mean and awesome thing: “She lives in her own exclusive world and isn’t afraid to remind you that you are not, nor ever will be, a part of it.” That’s not even a backhanded compliment. That’s pretty much backhand. And I love it!

Then there’s this “guy” she’s “dating:” Jay. Now, many of you over at The Hills recaps think he’s attractive. I, however, do not. There. I said it, and now we can move on. He’s Australian and in a band. Blah blah new life fitting in blah blah . . . The City.

Well, at least you’ll never have to wonder who left the blow dryer on the sink.

“Top of the World” by . . . *sigh* . . . The Pussycat Dolls is the theme song. Oh, how I wish it were the Carpenter’s “Top of the World!” But no. It is the completely vocoded voices of The Pussycat Dolls. Are they cyborgs? They sure sound like it. And act like it.

Title of this ep: “If She Can Make It Here . . .” Will she make it here? MTV says yes. Whit arrives at Diane Von Furstenberg at the Meat Packing District, which, according to Sex and the City, began gentrification in about 2003. Whitney meets Emese, a p.r. person. Whitney starts her new job on fashion week, then she’s introduced to someone who clearly does not want her there, and we’re told Olivia is on her way. Okay, when Olivia enters the building, she says “Good morning” to everyone, and it sounds like she’s never ever said good morning to them before. in her life

Who was she talking to? asks the front desk lady.

Whitney and Olivia introduce themselves to each other on what I think is probably the 5th or 6th take of this scene. It’s soooo not convincing. They talk about Fashion Week and Olivia’s fab lifestyle, including a dinner for “close friends.” She doesn’t invite Whitney. Hee. Then it’s off to the staff meeting!

Uh ok then have fun!! Is it my braids?

What seems like dozens of women and girls walk by in couture clothes on their way to the meeting. Did I pop in a copy of “The Women” by mistake? Ah, no. Thank god. That movie was sub-par and I’d much rather be watching . . . this . . . show . . . Um, anyway, someone named Alixe is in charge of the meeting. How much you wanna bet her name was Betsy when she lived in Nebraska, before severing ties with all friends and moving to NYC? Christmas: “I told you to call me Alixe, mom, not Betsy! Sheesh!” You guys, this is an important week at DVF. No, it’s not because of the large amounts of layoffs the company’s issuing, silly! (Seriously – Wikipedia.) It’s because of important things, like fashion! And their new co-worker Whitney!

Nice to meet you, skank.

What did they accomplish in the staff meeting?! We’ll never know, as we’re violently hurled across the Manhattan skyline, ending up at Erin’s apartment. It’s 2 seconds into her first scene on the show and already? Loving Erin. Erin knows Olivia (sort of, they don’t hang, thank god), so they dish about Olivia’s “social” life. Whitney says Olivia’s life is “soooo different” from hers. Really? Really?! Anyway. Whitney’s going out on a date with Jay. Jay is waiting for her al fresco at some place, and . . . maybe he’s getting a bit cuter. They cheers and clink drinks to the first day of work and then flirt while talking about fashion and New York. Cuz y’all, NYC is the end all be all of everything. Everything!

Jay tries to make Whitney do an Australian accent and when she does it, she ends up sounding only very slightly Canadian. Jay’s American accent on the other hand, is hiLARious. He sounds like someone from one of the square states. They’re actually kind of cute together. And 5 seconds later they’re just waaayy too cute together. They get the check and Jay says that he’s got a place where she could stay. The youth hostel on 73rd St.? Ah, no. He means HIS place. Whitney concurs.

Please come over and run pomade through my hair. Raaar.

It’s morning at Erin’s apartment, where Whitney talks about how romantic the date was. Erin asks if Whitney went back to Jay’s place, and is really honestly good-friend happy for her. I. Heart. Erin.

And then we’re at Battery Park for a fashion show. Olivia wears a headset. No one bothers to tell her it’s not plugged in. Celebrities walk in. Well, two celebrities do. Backstage it’s all about dresses! And bows! And shoes! And pandemonium! And guys with French accents! And Whitney saying, “Okay.”! And that pretty much continues throughout the fashion show. Color me not impressed by the clothes. There goes my invite to DVF!

Has soccer mom hair ever looked cuter?

Because MTV knows it’s viewers have a 3-minute (max) attention span, we end up at the DVF after-party in SoHo. It’s a really nice office party. I bet they have more than two kinds of wine at the open bar! Oh, heaven. Alixe compliments Whitney on a job well done, and the editors want to show us that perhaps Olivia is concerned about this. I bet she just farted and they decided to use the footage anyway. She asks Whitney what Alixe said, and then invites her to the dinner party in the perfect mean girl way: She pretends like Whitney has been invited the whole time, all, “Well, we have the dinner party tomorrow, which you’re coming to . . .” And then Whitney’s all, “I’m invited?” To which Olivia is all, of course, silly, I invited you yesterday! When in fact, people, Whitney wasn’t invited in the first place. That Olivia is one cunning temptress. Nice hair, though.

Oh god please I hope no one smells that.

The next morning (or whatever), Whitney talks to Jay about the show and tells Jay about a party at Olivia’s, and Jay is pretty hesitant about going. Because Olivia isn’t “a bad person,” she just doesn’t seem “genuine.” Word. He’s also not sure about Olivia’s friends. Whitney wonders how everyone knows each other on this show. Um, from the casting call, duh! Jay doesn’t like rich kids (word), but thinks that since Whitney works with her, she might want to go. Jay is growing on me. He would have just ended up punching some stupid white rich Young Republican in the face anyway. Which makes me sad that he’s not going, actually. He tells Whitney he always does what he wants. Whitney makes a fart face and the editors are all, “She looks sad about that thing that Jay said last week! I think she’s wearing the same shirt! Use it!”

Oh god please I hope no one smells that.

Over at the apartment, Whitney invites Erin to go to the dinner party in Jay’s stead, which I don’t think Olivia would be happy about. I don’t even think that’s good manners, bringing someone else when your boyfriend cancels. To a house party, sure, but dinner party? I’m not sure. But if it gives us some drama (finally) in this ep, then effing do it already.

It’s party time! Olivia is on her rooftop terrace, with her cousin, Nevan. Now, ostensibly they’re discussing place settings, but they both talk completely over one another, neither listening to a damn word the other one’s saying. And Nevan might be high. A dozen gay guys, I swear, arrive at the party. Why aren’t there any gay guys on The Hills? They’re in, like, fashion, and music, and whatever-the-hell-Heidi’s-job-is! No one has a gay friend? Weak, LC. Weak. Whit and Erin enter, and Olivia is sad Jay couldn’t make it but “so glad” Erin is there. I believe her, because I immediately make pouty faces after I say I’m glad about something as well. Some gay dude gives a toast to Olivia the Hostess, but we don’t see his face, I’m betting because his mom in Des Moines thinks he’s “getting married” to his “girlfriend” “Lydia” who’s “always away on business in London.” The other toast is to Whitney.

Oh god please I hope no one smells that.

Over at what probably constitutes a dive bar in NYC, and therefore a regular bar in Kansas, Jay and his roomie Adam play some pool. Adam tells Jay that space “never hurts” especially at the beginning of a relationship, and now we all know that Adam is The One That Plays By His Own Rules. Back at the party, Nevan is blahing about how he is the son of an art dealer, but he doesn’t care about art. Wow, how ironic, Nevan. And really, really fascinating. If this is what rich people sound like, then I’ll stick with my $10 an hour, thank you very much!

Olivia thankfully shuts him up to ask Whitney AGAIN about Jay. I wonder if Jay and Olivia had something in the past. If not, hands down that’s going to happen in the last episode of season one or two. When asked why Jay didn’t come, Whitney is all, “I don’t know. I’m not his girlfriend, so [weepy eyeroll] what can I do?” Once again we hear Nevan talking about his dad, an art-dealer, but I kind of suspect a sound edit on that one. And then, Jay arrives at the party. You know, because the producers called Jay and told him that showing up at the party would be the perfect end to the first episode. And then threw in $1,000. Olivia’s so happy to see him! Blech.

Whit and Jay talk over in a corner by themselves (with the Manhattan skyline oh-so-conveniently behind them), and Erin drinks her drink at the table, probably all, “You stupid whore, Whitney, leaving me with all these half-wits and their talk about not caring about art and shit! I hate you!” When Whitney asks if Erin’s ready to go, you can totally, totally see the relief on her face, and the way she’s all, “Yeeaahh . . .” is priceless. Love! Erin! Nevan says, “No one’s ever left your parties that quick.” Except, you know, maids and caterers that were fired just for fun. On the way out, Erin says that some guy called her a hooker, and Whitney offers to kick his ass. And she probably could.

And with that, we’re done with the first exciting episode of The City! Remember, if Whitney can make it here . . . she’ll earn $75,000 per episode for thirteen episodes!

This chick already has the stress neck of a forty year old. I can’t wait to open her baggage.