The City: The Truth, Like Kelly Cutrone, Can Be a Bitch

The City

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, February 4, 2009 | 11:31 am | 20 Comments

Tonight on The Shitty: Things get after-school special-y when Kelly Cutrone accuses Allie of having an eating disorder, and the aftermath of said incident(s) has everyone up-in-arms. Erin runs into an old flame, JR, and may or may not have slept with him the first night she saw him, thanks to some damn sloppy editing.

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And Whitney does this for like the whole episode.

Over at Delicatessen, it’s Sex and the City brunch time as Erin (Samantha), Samantha (Miranda), Allie (Charlotte) and Whitney (Carrie) sit around in sparkly earrings and dish dish dish. Erin talks about how everyone else has like, jobs and careers and junk, and she’s like, “at home organizing her closet.” Wait. How does Erin pay for her fab apartment and stuff? Oh, man, if she’s a trust fund kid or something, that’s gonna knock her down a few eagles on the totem pole of coolness. Allie, obviously still on some kind of high after last weeks forgive-a-thon, tells Erin to send her her resume and she’ll forward it to her manager at One. I’m assuming that’s a modeling agency? I’m too lazy to look stuff up today, peeps. Erin — too much lipstick sweetie. Whit then says that Kelly Cutrone is having a birthday party on Wednesday, and Allie’s all for a girls’ night out.

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My dad bought me this lipstick. You like?

“The Truth Hurts,” you guys, that’s what this episode’s about. That dress DOES make you look fat. You ARE a bitch. I DID sleep with your boyfriend, and he loved it. Nevan DOES look like he moonlights as a drag queen. I’m sorry, but it’s better that you know.

Picture 1-113

Don’t shoot the messenger.

Erin walks over to One Management in SoHo, and even though it’s a modeling agency, I’m instantly loving Dan, who is the model booker. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and shakes her hand and is ever so nice. Here’s my one experience with trying to find a job (of sorts) with NYC peeps: I auditioned for the acting program at NYU, and some skinny bitchy dude dressed in all black actually said, “Okay people, be quiet because we’re going to get started. Please do not try to shake Zelda’s or anyone else’s hand because it’s flu season.” I didn’t get in, and you know what? Thank freaking god.

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He’d shake my hand!

Scott, the Pres of One Management is dressed in all charcoal and wearing a scarf. Ew. Wow, you guys, Erin knows how to rock an interview. She says that she’s “always styling” and has “been soul-searching for a year and a half,” which sounds much better than, “Yeah, like, I dress myself? And I’m totally bored cuz I’ve been unemployed for like over a year and junk.” She says that she checked out the website and loved how it integrated fashion, models, and music. Nice. Employers love that crap. Bottom line, she gets the job. I’m happy for her, BUT, I’ve applied to almost 30 jobs since graduating with a freaking master’s degree, and not a damn thing has happened. So, I kind of hate her right now.

Dude, Whit’s apartment building looks awesome at night. The outside, I mean. Her couch still sucks. Whit gives Allie and Erin the lowdown on The Dark Lord (Kelly Cutrone). Basically, she says that Kelly has no filter and says what she wants and if she doesn’t like you, then you don’t want to be around her. But if Kelly DOES like you, I think she’d be awesome. I bet all of her best friend’s are gay dudes. You totally know Cutrone is an awesome hag. And I’m excited for her party, because liquor + Cutrone = fabulous.

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We’ll see about that.

Over at Southside Nightclub, the three girls sit in a booth and do a big “whoooo!” to Kelly’s birthday. It’s very cute. Suddenly, the air gets colder and the girls can think of nothing but despair, as if they’ll never be happy again . . . a figure in black floats over to them . . . Aaaa! It’s a dementor! Ah, no, it’s just Kelly Cutrone. My bad. She comes over and Whit introduces her to Allie and Erin. Also, I’m loving that Olivia wasn’t invited to Kelly’s birthday. It’s all pleasant and fun as Allie asks Kelly to judge her outfit, who is hesitant at first, but then says she hates the leggings. It’s silent and awkward for about 3 seconds, and then the Kelly Bomb is detonated. She asks Allie if she’s okay, because she’s so skinny, and you guys? I didn’t notice til this ep, probably because it’s fall/winter and Allie is bundled up a lot, but she is really skinny. Allie says that “it’s not like that,” and Kelly says that “that’s something you [Allie] should ask yourself.” What, kleenexes and lettuce and Ex-Lax is a perfectly natural diet, Kelly. Allie looks alternately disappointed, sad, and pissed off.

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And like an alien. A really skinny one.

Allie’s ex-boyfriend JR shows up as Whit and Allie go off to dance. I can’t decide if this is an actual coincidence or something set up, but I’m leaning toward actual coincidence for once. I guess JR’s been in the city for a year and hasn’t talked to her since he’s moved. Also, during one moment, the captions read, “It’s really good to see you,” but JR totally doesn’t say anything, he just sits there with his mouth open. Weird. I hope someone got fired for that.

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I think “what do you think about the stimulus package?” was just too unbelievable.

Back at the booth, Allie and Whitney are sitting with Kelly again. I really don’t get why Allie went back to talk to her. I’d avoid her the rest of the night and just take advantage of the free liquor. And again, Kelly starts in with the whole skinny thing, and says that if Allie needs help she can talk to her. Is Kelly drunk? I don’t think she is, but it’s sort of past the point of funny-awkward and is now annoying-awkward. And of course, Allie high tails it the eff out of there, and Whit follows. Some dude whispers to Kelly, “You’re a lot of fun,” to which Kelly sort of smiles and goes, “Stop.” Heh.

Whitney runs outside to catch Allie and is all, “Allie Allie Allie Allie!” and it’s very cute. You guys, Whitney is an awesome friend and here’s why: She says she’s leaving the party because Allie is upset and then goes on to say that Kelly just says what she wants regardless of feelings, and grabs Allie’s arm and walks with her. Awwwww! Um, what about Erin, though, guys? Guys? Erin?

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Erin’s having too much fun seeing what the subtitles are going to make her ex say next.

Yeah, I think Erin did okay for herself, because it’s the next morning, and Erin makes coffee or tea while JR puts his shirt back on. They had a great time last night, and then this utterly confuses me: Erin says, “Thanks for coming out last night,” and hanging with her crew, and JR says, “Thanks for inviting me.” What? I thought it was random that they bumped into each other. I guess JR is wearing a different outfit, so that means some time has passed since Cutrone’s b’day, but still, it’s confusing. They should have added some expository lines to this scene’s script. JR leaves, and we get another peek at Erin’s cat who is so cute! Anyone know the cat’s name? Anyone care?

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Paycheck earned. You’re excused now.

Over at Whit’s apartment, Erin and Whit talk about JR and how it was so weird that he showed up. WHAT?! Ugh, I don’t get! I’m so confused! This scene should have come before the one we just saw, right? Wouldn’t that have made more sense? My confusion is exacerbated by the fact that Erin says JR gave her “that look” and she’s nervous, which makes me think that in this scene, they hadn’t slept together yet. Wha? Sloppy, sloppy editing. Allie shows up, and comments on Whit’s outfit which I totally thought was a bathrobe. That’s why I’m not in fashion. Whit and Erin ask Allie about the skinniness and Kelly, and Allie says that comes with the job, and she works hard and is happy with herself. Then she says something that is kind of scary, if you ask me: She basically intimates that if she wasn’t a model then maybe her weight would cause concern. That’s kind of fucked up. On many levels. Whit says that if she’s happy and healthy then that’s good.

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Want a snack? Kidding!

At One Management, it’s Erin’s first day. I’m sorry, is this an episode of “My So-Called Life?” — what’s with all the flannel? I half-expect Jordan Catalano to walk out any minute, but I doubt he’d get a job here since he can’t read. Scott’s wearing the flannel today. There’s some kind of company dinner that night, which Erin is invited to, and then Erin and Dan dish about JR, and Dan says she’s so going to end up with him. Okay, I love Erin. And now I love Dan. And I want them to have their own show, and I want it to be kind of like Will & Grace meets Laverne & Shirley. Schlmiel! Schlamazel!

It’s time for the One party, and Adam and Allie show up and . . . why is Jay there? Didn’t someone in the comments say that he’s a failed model or something? Elaborate, please. And then Kelly shows up. All right. I’m willing to give this show the benefit of the doubt, and I will eat crow if someone comes up with a reasonable explanation why BOTH Jay and Kelly are at the One party, but this is just reeks of a setup for me. Whatever. Allie takes the high road and asks Kelly how her party was. Kelly apologizes for “devastating” Allie, and Allie says that it’s okay. Kelly again starts in with the “are you okay” stuff. Oh! Allie read my mind! She asks Adam why Kelly’s even at the One party. Kelly just digs the knife in deeper when she sees two models around her and asks that they be in her show and completely ignores Allie, who’s sitting right across from her. After Allie and Adam walk up to the bar to bitch about the situation, Kelly goes, “The good thing about going to parties with models is that no one eats.” Hee.

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And you’re always invited to make everyone else feel pretty.

It’s the next day, or two days from now, or, hell, it could even be last week since this episode is so out of whack. We’re at DVF, and Whit begins to talk about Kelly’s b’day. What, Olivia? You want to hear about this? This isn’t too much information for you? Whatev. Olivia tries to make some Shamu joke, but since she has about as much sense of humor as a toaster, it doesn’t really work. Whit says she’s going to talk to Kelly, but Olivia tells her to stay out of it and just let it go. I don’t like Olivia, for many reasons, but that’s good advice. Olivia then goes back to her task of ordering purses online. For Nevan.

At Dean and Deluca, which I was led to believe was just a simple coffee shop thanks to 3.5 awesome years of Felicity (I hated about half of season 3), Adam and Allie are shopping for meat or fish or something. Allie wants to ask Scott why Kelly was at the party. Yes! Please, someone solve that mystery! There’s more to this scene, but it’s mostly about how Kelly is insecure and takes it out on others (doubtful) and about how Allie is healthy and not as skinny as other girls (doubtful).

And so, Whitney decides to meet Kelly at People’s Revolution for an awkward conversation, and this is pretty much where anything funny ceases to exist this week (not that there was much anyway). Whit says that she’s sorry for leaving the party, but Allie was upset. Kelly’s all, you brought your friend to my party and I hurt her feelings, I’d like to say I’m sorry for that, but I’m not. Whoa. Ouch. Kelly goes on to talk about how Allie seemed beyond the industry standard for rail-thin skinniness.

Whit says that Allie said her agency would step in if they thought something was wrong, and Kelly hopes that they do. Kelly says the truth hurts. And that’s the end of that. Wow, that ended on a heavy note, didn’t it? I wish Kelly would have apologized to Whitney for putting her in an awkward position. I think that Kelly did actually care that Allie was too skinny and was serious about wanting to help her, but bringing it up in public in front of Allie’s friends and coworkers — not once, but twice — was not the way to go about it. She should have pulled Allie aside. But tact is definitely not part of Kelly’s vocab. Bottom line, I don’t think Kelly’s a bitch, but her actions completely make her seem like one, and there were moments where I think she may have actually enjoyed making Allie squirm. Let the debates begin!

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When’s lunch?

Next Week: JR and Erin get closer, but what about Canadian Duncan? Olivia straightens her hair and asks Jay’s band to perform at some fundraiser, where Nevan proceeds to be an asshole and make fun of him, calling him a member of “the plaid mafia.” Dick. Olivia gets pissed when Jay leaves the fundraiser without saying goodbye. Drama!

Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Hypnotoad, I saw your recap was up and it forced me to watch this drivel again this week. Dang you! :)

    Anyhoo, I didn’t even catch the sloppy editing with JR and Erin, but after you mentioned it, I re-watched that scene where he thanks her for inviting him. At the end, he says he’s always down for a party and she says she’s always down for a concert. So maybe they had gone to a concert the night before and it wasn’t the night of the b-day party. Also, why would he have been at Kelly’s b-day party anyway? I guess it was just a club and anyone could get in? You have to think he’s seen her out tons of times in that year, but THIS time she has a camera crew so he probably is a famewhore like so many others on this show.

    Next, I also thought what Whitney was wearing the “next” day (b/c really, who knows?) was a bathrobe!

    And last, I remember when I went to NY for the first time and saw how huge Dean and Deluca was, I was like, “Whaaaaa?” b/c I was also duped by Felicity’s portrayal of a humble coffee shop! :) Ha! I loved Javier!

  2. 2
    pixielated
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Dean & DeLuca used to have a catalog, so I always knew it was big, and I didn’t understand why it was so small on “Felicity.” (Why did they use the name? Product placement? Handy sign?)

    I hate the way people act about eating disorders. It’s like the person is a criminal or it’s shameful–like it’s worse than an addiction. “Kelly accuses Allie of having an eating disorder.” Would Kelly accuse Allie of having kidney disease? Schizophrenia? (Well, maybe KELLY would, but I mean most people.)I guess people think it’s like an intervention, but you don’t see them yelling at drunks or drug addicts in bars.

    Isn’t Erin the daughter of an Australian rock star? I think I read that somewhere. If it is any consolation, Hypnotoad, I doubt her job pays very well.

  3. 3
    mrngstar
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    i love kelly! she’s the reason this episode wasn’t the crap that usually airs….albeit the city is still a crap show.

  4. 4
    hypnotoad
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Come to think of it, pixie, I think someone did comment on that early on, about how Erin was the kid of some AC/DC dude, I think. She probably has some sweet “Rock and Roll All Night” royalties, cuz that song is played waaaaaayyyy too often. You’d think I’d look that kind of stuff up, but no, I’m lazy.

    I disagree with you, though — I think people treat anorexia/bulimia like any other disease, at least the people I know. If Allie had been drinking too much, or had shown some kinds of kidney disease symptoms (what, jaundice? I don’t know), then Kelly totally would have done the same thing. I think, in general, people (again, including myself and people I know) tend to treat every addiction/disorder as something shameful. Which is sad.

    Thatswhatshesaid: I was thinking about this in the shower this morning, and I thought that maybe there was an after-party that JR, Erin & Co. went to and that’s what they were talking about, but then I remembered Allie and Whit left early, and you just noticed the concert comment by Erin (good ears!) so my theory’s all shot to poo. Honestly, though, if they would have put the Whit/Erin-talking-about-JR scene first, then maybe a scene of Whit asking Erin where she and JR are going some evening (the concert, e.g.) b/c I’m sure they talked about it at some point, then I would have been less confused. I realize that each day isn’t exactly the next day, but still . . . me confused.

    And why was anyone anywhere in this ep? Why was JR at Kelly’s party? Why were Kelly and Jay at One Managment’s shindig? Why was Olivia at work? These are all mysteries that will never be solved…

  5. 5
    hypnotoad
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    I feel like I’m going to comment on this ep a lot, because it was just kind of a weird one (in terms of tone).

    mrngstar — I’m usually all about Kelly Cutrone and poking good-natured fun at her rep as a banshee in black, but I thought she went overboard in this ep. And frankly, it made her seem like kind of a fame whore for being in almost every single scene, and I didn’t peg her as one of those people. Honestly, at times I thought, “You’re really enjoying being onscreen, aren’t you?” But that might just be me. A little bit of Kelly Cutrone every now and then? Awesome. But a whole episode with her? Overboard.

    And Thatswhatshesaid:
    How cute was it when Javier said “crunch” instead of “crush?” I too heart Javier. Where are the awesome angsty college dramas now? I would recap that crap up with a spoon.

  6. 6
    sheiney
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Great recap, and I agree with what you said about Kelly. As for Jay, my daughter just showed me a Clinique ad, for Happy, that he was in.

  7. 7
    lawyergal
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 5:44 am

    How does Erin pay for her nice apartment? If she gets paid even half of what the “others” on The Hills gets paid, then she can easily pay for her apartment, even if she doesn’t have a rock star dad!!

    I think the show producers invite people to certain events. On The Hills, Spencer and Heidi showed up at the restaurant where Lauren and Jason were. Later, Heidi said that she didn’t know that Lauren and Jason would be there, but the producers told them to eat dinner there.

    Kelly Cutrone rocks! She was making a point – a good one – about models and body image. Here’s the thing – Allie puts herself out there. She’s a model. Anyone and everyone is entitled to comment on her looks, body, etc. I think that Kelly totally wanted to make a point and used Allie to do it. And, let’s face it, Allie’s excuses were pretty lame. I think it would be a cold day in hell before your modeling agency would tell you are too skinny . . .

  8. 8
    lawyergal
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 5:46 am

    Oh, and I assumed that One was Jay’s management, too. Erin said something about them representing models and musicians.

  9. 9
    murphena
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Erin’s dad is Cliff Williams from AC/DC. He’s the guy in the B&W photo that is always in the shots when Erin is on the couch.

  10. 10
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Hypnotoad! –”is this an episode of “My So-Called Life?” — what’s with all the flannel? I half-expect Jordan Catalano to walk out any minute, but I doubt he’d get a job here since he can’t read.” Brilliant! I love your work!

    love, J-Mo :)

  11. 11
    lucykitty
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    oh, come on- its been over ten years! Brian/Brain must have taught Jordan by now… don’t get me started how I’m supposed to accept Angela’s daddy as a bad-ass on “Lost.”

    I love your recaps. It is like you are in my head, except funnier. And no this episode made no sense. This show makes no sense. I’m watching to enjoy your recaps.

  12. 12
    nicevibe
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    A) Great recap! Anyone who references MSCL rules!

    I wanted to comment on something said about Olivia and Jay. I have thought the same thing since minute one. Either something went down, or she has something up her sleeve.

    I was bored yesterday, and did some research on Ms. Palermo. According to PAP (a website dedicated to the piranahas aka “socials” of the upper eschalon of NYC)

    “It was a few months ago that I reported that Olivia was leaving New York for Los Angeles to pursue her dreams in singing and writing, which her publicist, a variation of Stephen Huvane, vehemently denied. Olivia herself recently confirmed this was true. She’s leaving in the beginning of July for the Armani Privé haute couture show in Paris and after that, is heading straight for Hollywood armed with plans of recording a pop album and completing her how-to socialite handbook.”

    (And I have the best photo ever I wish could accompany it. I want to email it to you to use in a future recap, IT IS THAT GOOD. It’s of Kelly Cuttrone)

  13. 13
    welcometothepartypal
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Does anyone watch the Shield? Because Kelly C looks to me like Vic Mackey’s wife, just sad and tired looking all the time.

    Hypno-
    I’m sure you could get the job you wanted if you had a camera crew following you around!

    i heart jordan catalano, i totally forgot how he couldnt read! LOL

  14. 14
    hynotoad
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Well, sadly, I don’t watch “Lost” or “The Shield” so those analogies are lost on me.

    nicevibe — I audibly gasped and said, “Shut the hell up” and “oh god no” out loud when I read that.

    Oh, “How to Be a Socialite,” by Olivia Palermo: Get born into a super-rich family, then ensure that you have no life skills whatsoever and then buy a bunch of stuff with your family’s money. WTF, how can you stretch that out into a whole book? And it’s certainly coming out in the right time, what with the worst recession in 70 years and all.

    And dear, dear sweet merciful God, an album?! I . . . I just . . . I’m flabbergasted. And I never use that word. Because it’s kinda dumb. Remember Paris Hilton’s album? And Heidi Montag’s songs? No? You don’t? Yeah, that’s right, you don’t, and there’s a reason for that. No way in hell I’m buying that crap. Unless Nevan raps on a couple songs and then I’m totally getting it the day it drops!

  15. 15
    hypnotoad
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Okay, so I have no life today. Or, like, ever. I just went to iTunes and searched for Jay’s band (Tamarama — worst. name. ever.) and they have an EP out. I am sad to say that they don’t suck as much as I had hoped, although they need to tighten up their harmonies. It’s kind of folksy rock, which is much better than the My Chemical Romance crap I thought they’d be spewing out.

  16. 16
    hypnotoad
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Did anyone else notice that I logged in as “hynotoad” (no p) 2 posts above? And it let me post? Weird . . . Sorry — move along.

  17. 17
    nflow
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Yep, Jay used to be a model, him an Adam met on a shoot in Australia or something, the only difference is Adam’s career took off with a provocative Gucci campaign and Dolce and Gabana.

    I think Olivia has the hots for Jay, from the first episode where she kept asking Whitney where is Jay repeatedly, and always seemly interested in hearing news about Jay only, and now inviting him to her fundraiser, not a very social thing to do.

    Olivia herself as a very interesting story among the socials in Newyork. Apparently after Paris Hilton became “famous” a bunch of young socialites in NY decided to make their move, to displace the old regime headed by tinsley mortimer ( a former Virginia average beauty who somehow transformed herself into the creme de la creme of newyork society) Apparently Olivia was too pushy, always dropped names, appeared in to many photographs, hired a PR agent all when she was 17 or 18, some terrible articles ridiculing her were published, including a supposed apology letter to the high class NY women. Olivia claimed she was being slandered, hired a top firm lawyer, which led to the closing of said publication. Then her father filed for Bankrupcy and she semi disappered from the scene, only to reinvent herself on the City.

    I think MTV is doing a great diservice to this show, by making it The Hills fake, when the actual characters lives are more interesting, show us Adam’s real life, as a restauranter, Olivia’s social, ladies who lunch life style etc. and the show might have a chance.

  18. 18
    nicevibe
    Posted February 6, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    I am hoping that is really just a bad joke. She can NOT be serious about making an album.
    (Her backstory is way interesting, though. The whole SR scandal kept me up reading til after 2 am!)

    Did you guys know Kelly Cuttrone’s getting her own show on Bravo?!

    Did you guys know this show is about Whitney?!

  19. 19
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted February 10, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Great recap hynotoad :P

    Sheiney – I looked up that Happy Photo – you’re right it IS Jay.

    I’ll post it in the forums since I can’t post it here.

  20. 20
    BlahBlah
    Posted February 14, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    “And you’re always invited to make everyone else feel pretty.” LOL!

    Is that why I’m always invited to events (I don’t wanna attend)? And here I thought it was because of my sparkling personality. Hmm…

    A very hypnotizing recap as always, Hypnotoad.

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