The City: Whitney Who?

Tonight on The City: Allie doesn’t know whether or not to trust Adam when Cat confronts her about what happened, Olivia and Nevan are bitches, and Whitney’s barely in the episode long enough for me to hate what’s on her head.

What’s that smell?

You guys, I’m so sorry, I seriously thought The City was on hiatus, but it’s not. And I’m sad. But you know what’s even sadder? The Shitty was just renewed for a second season! Ugh, thanks a lot, Satan!

This is the look on my face right now.

Before we get started, let me give you my theory on one Whitney Port: Whitney is tofu. She’s mildly pleasant and good-natured and junk, but if you don’t put her in a wok with other seasonings, veggies, flavors, etc., she’s still going to be bland old tofu. Without her flavorful friends surrounding her, Whitney is pretty much meh. You can’t hate her by herself, but you can’t really do anything with her. Tofu.

Sorry, but it had to be said.

Okay, so Allie is over at Whit’s apartment, but I actually think they showed the exterior of Erin’s apartment, so I’m really, really confused. Ah yes, I can see Whitney’s ugly ass couch, so I know where we are. Allie talks about trust and Adam cheating. Whit’s all, if you’re questioning who’s right or wrong, then something must be wrong. And then Allie makes a really, really pathetic sound. Remember last week when they had this exact conversation over lunch? We didn’t care then, and we certainly don’t now, do we?

I will ray gun your people if they treat my species with disrespect.

Credits. “He Never Said He Had a Girlfriend” is the title. I’m assuming it’s not about Nevan, in which case it would be, “She Never Said She Was a Cop . . . And I Assumed She Was a Tranny Anyway, So . . . My Dad’s An Art Dealer! You Dudes Want Some OxyContin?” So, Olivia shows up for work, which can only mean that it’s around 3pm, and Whit tells her that Adam and Jay got some “artist friends” together for an art show. She then proceeds to invite Olivia, who says that she’s going to have to check her skedge and if she’s open, then she’ll come.

Why does this thing have so many letters on it? So gauche.

Then Whit proceeds to tell Olivia about Adam potentially cheating on Allie and how everyone will be there, and Olivia’s all, “that’s way too much information for me,” and about how she doesn’t want to hear about it. Rude! She then says that Whit should just stay out of it, and that Whit is an adult now, and this stuff is so high school. Okay, granted? Yeah. It is. But what the holy effing hell, bitch?!

Whitney, of course, just sits there and takes it. You know what would have been the appropriate response? Laughing in Olivia’s face, derisively, and being all, “Uh, okay then, you psycho Upper East Side WASP freak. And Manolo Blahnik don’t know you bitch, so cut that shit out.” Whit is all, I wanted someone to talk to about it with, but I guess you don’t want to . . . and then she trails off. Well, by now it’s 3:05, so I’m guessing it’s time for Olivia to pack up and head home. All in a hard day’s fake work!

Wait. Where are you going?

Over at Bergdorf Goodman, Catarina and Samantha are eating soup and talking about the art show and how Allie will be there. Apparently, Adam didn’t tell Cat that he had a girlfriend. Long story short, Sam convinces Cat to tell Allie the truth about what happened that night. What did happen that night? Dirty Sanchez. That’s all I’m saying. And possibly a rusty trombone or two.

Adam and Jay are shopping for liquor for the “art show.” Adam says there are about 500 people showing up, and Adam’s all, each person will have 5 drinks, and Jay’s all, no everyone will have 2. Um, Jay? It’s an open bar. That’s pretty much the only reason people are going. That’s pretty much the only reason I go to art openings, unless it’s a friend’s show, and then . . . yeah, still, it’s pretty much the free hooch. And I have way more than two. Because artists? Yeah, they have no money, and therefore take advantage of anything free, especially liquor. Jay brings up the fact that Catarina will be at the opening tonight, and Adam avoids eye contact and is all, I . . . uh . . . what . . . guh . . . buh . . . chuh. Jay asks if Adam did anything with Cat, and Adam just says nothing. First of all, wasn’t Jay at that party where this all went down? And two, is there anyone watching this who actually believes Adam? And, for that matter, is there anyone watching this at all?

In case you forgot whose show this is. Which is possible.

Over at Whit’s apartment, she tells Erin that she’s never really been to an art “openink” before (antihistamines, Whit. Give ‘em a try). At first I found that hard to believe, but then I remembered that she was friends with Lauren and Audrina, both of whom have less culture than a cup of Yoplait. Whit tells Erin that Sam’s bringing Cat, and Erin’s all, oh shit “will there be an open bar?” Erin is so cute! Erin can’t believe that Jay believes Adam.

So, it’s night, and it’s time for the art opening. I’m not gonna lie: I hate all of the paintings. Nevan arrives and says there are so many people there and it’s like a “high school flashback.” Minus giving hand jobs in the school parking lot for blow, eh Nevan? Erin and Whit listen to some crunchy dude talk about his work and how it’s a lot of “whiskey and coffee and wine” and how “the canvas pretty much tells me what to do.” Well, the canvas tells him what to do after what I’m guessing is a massive ingestion of Colt 45 and peyote. Cat and Sam arrive as Jay is leaving to get more liquor because they ran out. Whit, who appears to be wearing a belt on her head, and Allie talk about Cat and Sam while they’re literally 6 inches away from them. Allie makes the first move, and then Cat tells Allie about how she and Adam kissed and Adam never told her he had a girlfriend. Allie starts to cry, and you guys, I feel really bad for her. For now.

XYZ

Allie runs off to the bathroom, and Whit follows, where they discuss the ramifications of fungal pathogens as biological control agents of weeds and diasporic voices in the poetics of Chaucer’s England. But mostly about how Adam is a douche. And of course Adam enters the bathroom in a few. Whit leaves, because she knows this episode isn’t about her and her weird belt/hairpiece. Allie recaps about what we just saw with her and Cat in a weepy voice. They aren’t filming in the bathroom, because Allie and Adam aren’t off book yet, and it’d be awkward for us to see the scripts in their hands. The sparring couple heads outside, where Allie asks Adam how it would feel if some dude did to him what Cat did to her. Adam says he would feel the same way, then offers to stay the night somewhere else. They part ways as Allie gets into a cab.

Why is that lady unzipped? And who broke the egg? This is just too deep.

It’s morning/afternoon at Olivia’s apartment, where she and Nevan discuss the art show on the gross, poor side of the island, and they talk about how it’s such a different crowd and . . . you know what? These two are like those Siamese cats in “Lady and the Tramp.” Well, sometimes Nevan’s the tramp. And a lady a lot of the time. This scene also has a weird, morning news/talk show vibe to it, because they’re commenting on the whole Adam/Allie/Cat thing the night before. It’s kind of like that old radio show where that lady and that gay dude recapped all the goings-on and dishing about what happened the night before in upscale 1930s Manhattan. Olivia’s all, “who even cares?” about the Adam/Allie thing. Well, sweetie, you do. Because you’re talking about it. And then Nevan mentions Adam having a lot of girlfriends, and I think Nevan has a crush on Adam. Better stock up on OxyCon and roofies, Nevvy!

Over at Whitney’s place, Jay and Whitney discuss the genocide in Darfur and wonder about how they can get involved in grassroots – yet aggressive – movements to help end the suffering. Nah, they’re talking about Adam and Allie. Oh, I wish they were talking about KATE and Allie instead! Sometimes tears and sorry are all of the things you’ve got . . . And just when you think, you’re all by yourself, you’re not. La la la la. Awesome theme song. Mediocre show. Anyhoo, Jay says he believes Adam (again, I think if you watch them at the club 2 episodes ago (2 episodes ago! How long is this shit going to drag on!?) I think he was pretty sure Adam was going to do something), and Whitney’s all, “Then why didn’t he interject?” Which is a good question. Jay says Adam didn’t want to cause a big drama stink in the middle of his art thing. Which is a good rebuttal. Whitney’s all, “I feel like a lot of the time your friends [big pause while she tries to remember her next line] are a reflection of who you are as well.” Whitney says that she hopes Jay doesn’t pull that lying stuff with her. Pretty much the lamest fight in history.

This art actually represents the show well.

Meanwhile, over at Mercbar, the Vampire Lestat settles in a corner booth for a drink. Oh, wait, it’s just Adam. Geez louise dude, brood much?! Allie enters and Adam is completely, completely unconvincing with his “sweeties” and “honies,” and then this makes me laugh out loud: “You look cute. I love you.” Ha! Dude, what the eff? Everyone knows that only guilty a-holes begin a conversation with “I love you.” Damn, Adam’s the kind of guy who thinks he can get away with effing another woman and avoiding a fight about said effing by giving his girlfriend a puppy. And you know what? Allie’s the kind of girl who would take the puppy and instantly forget about Adam’s loser cheating ass. Adam apologizes for Cat making a scene. He’s all, I’m sorry that had to happen, I’m sorry you were put in that situation. Ugh, Adam says he’d never lie to Allie and all I can say is that none of us should be worried that Adam will make a transition from model to model/actor. Fuck it, I’m cutting to the chase: Allie believes Adam. And she’s an idiot, because Adam’s a dumb poopy liar head!

Lie to me, human. Lie!

Next Week: Kelly Cutrone is back, and she wreaks verbal havoc, and it looks soooo awesome. And Erin sleeps with some (hot!) dude she knew from high school. The phase-out of Whitney Port is almost complete! Mwahahahahaha!